My shame
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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My shame
Hello everyone,
I need to make an admission of something horrible I did. I have placed calls to people in my support group but no one has called back yet. I feel the need to get it out and thank you in advance for letting me post it here.
Yesterday I wrote an email to my former husband, an active alcoholic, under my son's email account. I wrote it posing as if my son was writing it to his father. It said:
"Why havent you sent me the money you promised for my new instrument. WHy do you chose to stay in your alcoholism instead of be a good father to me? I wish you were never my father and I hate you."
I wrote this when I was very much in anger and pain at his constant disappointing our son, and that he has bailed out of his life and responsibilites to him and me.
Today, he wrote back to our son, thinking it was actually him who had written it, bascially defending himself, wondering how people could think he was alcoholic when we dont even know whats going on in his life, that he doesnt understand why our son doesnt want to spend time with him, doesnt understand why I am angry at him, and just wishes things could be how they used to be.
Basically, in total denial.
When I saw this email, I was surprised ( another word for my obvious denial). This man had been sober for 4 yrs at one time, had told us recently he was returning to AA, that he knew he was alcoholic..yada yada yada. I guess I wanted to believe he was coming out of the denial, but of course, my denial would believe anything.
I knew immediately I had to confess this to my 14 yr old son, there here, on MOthers day, his mother broke into his email account, wrote a fradulent email, saying hateful things to his father.
I did admit it, I aplogized and ask how I could make ammends to him and said I would admit it to his father. He said he wanted me to. I called the man, told him that our son was sitting here with me and I admitted what I had done. He began to attack me and berate me, but I know that just because I screwed up, it did not mean I had to subject myself to this, so I hung up.
I am now awaiting the calls from my al-anon support friends, where I will again admit my wrong and ask for some freaking help on how to get better and stop torturing myself and others.
Seeing his email was a splash of reality that I now know I needed. He is not sober, he is not aware of any of the sick reality he has created. Obviously, neither am I. I dont want to be sick anymore, so I have to let this sick secret out. Please pray for us...especially my son, that I dont continue to hurt him.
Thank you for reading this.
Christina
I need to make an admission of something horrible I did. I have placed calls to people in my support group but no one has called back yet. I feel the need to get it out and thank you in advance for letting me post it here.
Yesterday I wrote an email to my former husband, an active alcoholic, under my son's email account. I wrote it posing as if my son was writing it to his father. It said:
"Why havent you sent me the money you promised for my new instrument. WHy do you chose to stay in your alcoholism instead of be a good father to me? I wish you were never my father and I hate you."
I wrote this when I was very much in anger and pain at his constant disappointing our son, and that he has bailed out of his life and responsibilites to him and me.
Today, he wrote back to our son, thinking it was actually him who had written it, bascially defending himself, wondering how people could think he was alcoholic when we dont even know whats going on in his life, that he doesnt understand why our son doesnt want to spend time with him, doesnt understand why I am angry at him, and just wishes things could be how they used to be.
Basically, in total denial.
When I saw this email, I was surprised ( another word for my obvious denial). This man had been sober for 4 yrs at one time, had told us recently he was returning to AA, that he knew he was alcoholic..yada yada yada. I guess I wanted to believe he was coming out of the denial, but of course, my denial would believe anything.
I knew immediately I had to confess this to my 14 yr old son, there here, on MOthers day, his mother broke into his email account, wrote a fradulent email, saying hateful things to his father.
I did admit it, I aplogized and ask how I could make ammends to him and said I would admit it to his father. He said he wanted me to. I called the man, told him that our son was sitting here with me and I admitted what I had done. He began to attack me and berate me, but I know that just because I screwed up, it did not mean I had to subject myself to this, so I hung up.
I am now awaiting the calls from my al-anon support friends, where I will again admit my wrong and ask for some freaking help on how to get better and stop torturing myself and others.
Seeing his email was a splash of reality that I now know I needed. He is not sober, he is not aware of any of the sick reality he has created. Obviously, neither am I. I dont want to be sick anymore, so I have to let this sick secret out. Please pray for us...especially my son, that I dont continue to hurt him.
Thank you for reading this.
Christina
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((christina)))
I hope you get those calls soon. You know what you did was wrong, you've admitted it and already made your first amends. I have found that therapy outside of Al-Anon is helping me deal with my anger and resentments. Have you sought that?
Try to remember next time to pick up the phone to that support group before you write the email. My sponsor has talked me out of many a crazy thing I've thought of doing to teach my AH a lesson. Who am I kidding?
Other than that, just hugs for your pain.
I hope you get those calls soon. You know what you did was wrong, you've admitted it and already made your first amends. I have found that therapy outside of Al-Anon is helping me deal with my anger and resentments. Have you sought that?
Try to remember next time to pick up the phone to that support group before you write the email. My sponsor has talked me out of many a crazy thing I've thought of doing to teach my AH a lesson. Who am I kidding?
Other than that, just hugs for your pain.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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(((Chrisitina))) I am so sorry....for all of this. So much hurt, for so many things. I understand. I also understand the way you were thinking when you wrote that.........I think anyone who is honest and is here would know the feelings. That is the kind of feeling that has gotten me here, to begin getting help for myself so I don't have to keep feeling that way.
OK...so you made a mistake. It happens. Important thing is now; you recognize that, you are making ammends, you are trying to learn from this so you won't repeat it, etc.,etc..........that is what learning is. Sometimes it is hard and painful....like for you right now. ((hugs))
I really want to thank you for posting about this...in several strange ways it has really helped me, and I appreciate that so "thanks". Please don't beat yourself up over this. They way you went about it was wrong but really...what you said were legitament questions (in a non-alcoholic world).....I have asked them all (really, yelled them to no-one or God). In an odd way you DID get your answer. His answer was he is still very sick...THAT is why he is acting this way.....it has nothing to do with you or your son; you know that for sure now because in "his way" HE TOLD YOU this!
I also know the heartbreak of all this.....especially for the children we love. I think it is easier to want the best for them, even when we do not fight for it for ourselves. (If it accomplishes the same thing, and gets us healthy, maybe it doesn't matter "why".)
Well, you had a tiny relapse.............you have already cleared the air and tried to make it "right". Next time...vent first;(easier to say sometimes.haha..but part of our recovery). Bet there was a time when this might not have bothered you, or if it did, it was for different reasons.
Please drop this burden and do something nice for yourself. It's Mothers' Day...and here you are Mother AND Father..so take a break,OK? Even if only a little one. In all these years of living with alcoholism, I think one email isn't the end of the world. One day (or less
) at a time!
Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Hope you get lots of calls and posts back.....sorry it took so long.
OK...so you made a mistake. It happens. Important thing is now; you recognize that, you are making ammends, you are trying to learn from this so you won't repeat it, etc.,etc..........that is what learning is. Sometimes it is hard and painful....like for you right now. ((hugs))
I really want to thank you for posting about this...in several strange ways it has really helped me, and I appreciate that so "thanks". Please don't beat yourself up over this. They way you went about it was wrong but really...what you said were legitament questions (in a non-alcoholic world).....I have asked them all (really, yelled them to no-one or God). In an odd way you DID get your answer. His answer was he is still very sick...THAT is why he is acting this way.....it has nothing to do with you or your son; you know that for sure now because in "his way" HE TOLD YOU this!
I also know the heartbreak of all this.....especially for the children we love. I think it is easier to want the best for them, even when we do not fight for it for ourselves. (If it accomplishes the same thing, and gets us healthy, maybe it doesn't matter "why".)
Well, you had a tiny relapse.............you have already cleared the air and tried to make it "right". Next time...vent first;(easier to say sometimes.haha..but part of our recovery). Bet there was a time when this might not have bothered you, or if it did, it was for different reasons.
Please drop this burden and do something nice for yourself. It's Mothers' Day...and here you are Mother AND Father..so take a break,OK? Even if only a little one. In all these years of living with alcoholism, I think one email isn't the end of the world. One day (or less
) at a time!Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Hope you get lots of calls and posts back.....sorry it took so long.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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A part of what drove you to it was that he isn't meeting his responsibilites. It is very hard to see your kids go without the things they need. If he said he'd pay for the instrument, he should have. He won't. He had no intention of it anyway. This was evident in he vitimizing himself. I would explain this to your son. I would also never set him or yourself up to expect or ask you husband for anything. It is more likely he will just open old wounds and further disappoint you and your son. A part of this whole thing is that you husband can convince himself but you know he's full of poop. He can't be trusted or relied on. Maybe you and your son can think up a way creatively to come up with the money for the instrument.
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My perspective is much more hostile than usual right now so my spin on this may be a kinda bitchy but it seems to me you learned something important from your little experiment. You now know how the A presents himself to your son and that is worthwhile information. And on top of that, it provided you with an opportunity for some communication with your son about these issues. So while you behavior could be considered inappropriate... it could also be seen as something positive as well. Am I being a bad influence?
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
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I don't think you're being a bad influence Gypsy.
While I agree that breaking into your son's email and sending out a fraudulent one was very wrong, I do think that getting the information, coming clean with your son, showing your son how to make amends for behaviors when you know you've done wrong, and carrying through on those amends were good things.
The Phoenix rises from the ashes. Sometimes we err (we are all fallible), and I think you set a good example for your son. You didn't say "Look what your father says!" You said "I screwed up big time. I should never have done this to you. I am so sorry. How can I make it up to you?" For a child of an alcoholic father, those behaviors are really great behaviors to model for your son. (My own A father has apologized to me twice in 39 years - and never asked how he could make up for it)
While I don't agree with what you did, I think you handled the outcome of it very well, and I think you set a good example for your son, and I think getting slapped with a trout now and then to bring us back into reality may actually be good for us (in other words, seeing that H hasn't changed means you can't hold out false hope).
As others have said, don't be too terribly hard on yourself. You slipped. You admitted your mistake. You atoned for it in what ways you could. You set a good example for your son in how to handle situations where we know we screwed up.
While I don't recommend doing it again, I almost think more good came out of the situation than bad. I suppose that would depend on how your son is taking the situation though.
While I agree that breaking into your son's email and sending out a fraudulent one was very wrong, I do think that getting the information, coming clean with your son, showing your son how to make amends for behaviors when you know you've done wrong, and carrying through on those amends were good things.
The Phoenix rises from the ashes. Sometimes we err (we are all fallible), and I think you set a good example for your son. You didn't say "Look what your father says!" You said "I screwed up big time. I should never have done this to you. I am so sorry. How can I make it up to you?" For a child of an alcoholic father, those behaviors are really great behaviors to model for your son. (My own A father has apologized to me twice in 39 years - and never asked how he could make up for it)
While I don't agree with what you did, I think you handled the outcome of it very well, and I think you set a good example for your son, and I think getting slapped with a trout now and then to bring us back into reality may actually be good for us (in other words, seeing that H hasn't changed means you can't hold out false hope).
As others have said, don't be too terribly hard on yourself. You slipped. You admitted your mistake. You atoned for it in what ways you could. You set a good example for your son in how to handle situations where we know we screwed up.
While I don't recommend doing it again, I almost think more good came out of the situation than bad. I suppose that would depend on how your son is taking the situation though.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I think we have all been guilty of doing something we shouldn't have at one time or another.
Like the other's have said, you admitted it and are making amends. In the process you will learn from it as well.
I remember how I felt when I did something I shouldn't have regarding my ex. I got down on myself so hard. However, that was something I remembered when I got weak the next time. And, I put into place things that I could do, like reaching out to my support network and talking it out with them instead of taking inappropriate action. So, I learned. And you have too!
Now, have a nice Mother's Day!!!! That's an order!!!
Like the other's have said, you admitted it and are making amends. In the process you will learn from it as well.
I remember how I felt when I did something I shouldn't have regarding my ex. I got down on myself so hard. However, that was something I remembered when I got weak the next time. And, I put into place things that I could do, like reaching out to my support network and talking it out with them instead of taking inappropriate action. So, I learned. And you have too!
Now, have a nice Mother's Day!!!! That's an order!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
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Let's face it, this conversation would have come in time. We all live around it while it disappoints us, embarrasses us, leaves in lack and want. EVENTUALLY in any alcoholics home, food is not brimming out of the cupbaords, the bills are not paid on time, we stop being invited and our kids get quiet. They stop asking for things. Your conversation came on the heels of this mistake. So long as their is an actively drinking alcoholic in the house, every family has this conversation eventually. The tension has to crack and somewhere along the line, someone finally says the word "alcoholic".
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THanks everyone, for the support and insight. I dont think Gypsy was hard at all...all of you replied with the exact same feelings I am seeing now.
There was some positive outcomes here..I DID get to see that he is still so tightly in denial, I DID get to see that I am too. I see that when I wrote the email, Ilieterally told myself it was ok to do so, and that I would not regret it. Isnt that kinda what the A says when they think they can have just "one" drink, and it will be ok?
I didnt "expect" the emotinal hangover of guilt and shame. I thought I ccould get away with doing something so wrong. That is insanity. I can drink today, withour guilt or regret. Plain insanity.
So, I got a call back from a friend, who said "Want me to come over now"? I was floored...she and I dont socialize much outside of al anon, so when she offered, I knew that was God sending me an angel to help me. She came over, listened, then asked if I wanted feedback,which is a very polite way of saying "Now Im gonna tell ya what I think" LOL....
I am aware of my shameful behavior, but I am not shame, I am not a bad person, just a hurt person. Hurt people do hurt other people. I want to be relieved of the hurt and move on. I know it comes in time, God's time, not mine. I think I;ll turn myself over to him, and ask him to heal me.....and heal the alcoholic.
Thanks again, everyone, it felt so good to get this out and for your generous support.
Happy Mothers day to you who are Mothers......!
There was some positive outcomes here..I DID get to see that he is still so tightly in denial, I DID get to see that I am too. I see that when I wrote the email, Ilieterally told myself it was ok to do so, and that I would not regret it. Isnt that kinda what the A says when they think they can have just "one" drink, and it will be ok?
I didnt "expect" the emotinal hangover of guilt and shame. I thought I ccould get away with doing something so wrong. That is insanity. I can drink today, withour guilt or regret. Plain insanity.
So, I got a call back from a friend, who said "Want me to come over now"? I was floored...she and I dont socialize much outside of al anon, so when she offered, I knew that was God sending me an angel to help me. She came over, listened, then asked if I wanted feedback,which is a very polite way of saying "Now Im gonna tell ya what I think" LOL....
I am aware of my shameful behavior, but I am not shame, I am not a bad person, just a hurt person. Hurt people do hurt other people. I want to be relieved of the hurt and move on. I know it comes in time, God's time, not mine. I think I;ll turn myself over to him, and ask him to heal me.....and heal the alcoholic.
Thanks again, everyone, it felt so good to get this out and for your generous support.
Happy Mothers day to you who are Mothers......!
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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(((FriendofBill))).......now, go enjoy the rest of your day!
Thanks for the update. You are an example of how recovery works...in the trenches, where I need to see it. Thanks.
(haha........the initials for your name got "bleeped" out; made me laugh)
Thanks for the update. You are an example of how recovery works...in the trenches, where I need to see it. Thanks.
(haha........the initials for your name got "bleeped" out; made me laugh)
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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Originally Posted by gypsyrose
My perspective is much more hostile than usual right now so my spin on this may be a kinda bitchy but it seems to me you learned something important from your little experiment. You now know how the A presents himself to your son and that is worthwhile information. And on top of that, it provided you with an opportunity for some communication with your son about these issues. So while you behavior could be considered inappropriate... it could also be seen as something positive as well. Am I being a bad influence?
She did admit her wrongdoing to her son and further admitted to her ex-husband, so that part is a positive example. We do want our children to learn to take responsibility for their actions.
I hope she didn't attempt to rationalize her mistake to her son, either. "I'm sorry I did this. It was wrong" is much better than "I'm sorry I did this, but...."
Hey, life is hard. There are no do-overs and we all need a bunch of do-overs. I need about 10,000 do-overs, personally.
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Originally Posted by mallowcup
Even when your husband thought the email was from your son, he offered nothing but excuses.
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I'd add only one thing to the discussion here -- and that's to suggest thinking about revisiting this in the future with your son. I think his trust in you is the big issue here now and that must have taken a hit.
You did a great thing by owning your mistake, and modeling how one can mess up and take repsonsibility for it, but this was a big trust violation that can harm your son's trust in you and in others.
I imagine you want your son to feel safe in the future that his privacy is respected and that he doesn't need to feel afraid it will be violated.
I'm not sure the best way to go about this. You may already have given this some thought -- but I'd think if what happened today is pushed to the side and never talked about again because it's uncomfortable, trust may be longer in coming back.
best
gf
You did a great thing by owning your mistake, and modeling how one can mess up and take repsonsibility for it, but this was a big trust violation that can harm your son's trust in you and in others.
I imagine you want your son to feel safe in the future that his privacy is respected and that he doesn't need to feel afraid it will be violated.
I'm not sure the best way to go about this. You may already have given this some thought -- but I'd think if what happened today is pushed to the side and never talked about again because it's uncomfortable, trust may be longer in coming back.
best
gf
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She repented and it is forgiven and forgotten. That is as good it gets. This act was a measure of where this has all taken her, the level she would stoop to, which ultimately led to enlightenment. No good can come of stoning her. No time passed before she made it as right as she could. Just an aside, how quick was her husband to go get the instrument? That remains undone.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
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Christina, I'm not going to come down on you about this because I see you're doing a pretty good job of that yourself. I do feel sorry for your kid, though. He must be in a pretty lonely and insecure place right now.
I'm more interested in the lead up to this. To paraphrase something you said on a thread on the Alcoholism board, relapses don't happen with the final act, there is a long build up to it. I appreciate how stessful it must be in your situation, however I always got the impression that you were pretty immersed in your recovery. At least that's the impression you give on here. What happened to make this act OK with you at the time you did it?
I'm more interested in the lead up to this. To paraphrase something you said on a thread on the Alcoholism board, relapses don't happen with the final act, there is a long build up to it. I appreciate how stessful it must be in your situation, however I always got the impression that you were pretty immersed in your recovery. At least that's the impression you give on here. What happened to make this act OK with you at the time you did it?
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Originally Posted by minnie
..... I always got the impression that you were pretty immersed in your recovery. At least that's the impression you give on here. What happened to make this act OK with you at the time you did it?
2. I agree with Minnie...is there something going on that triggered this?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hey there Christina,
You must have been in a great deal of pain to have allowed your disease to take hold of you like that. I'm truly sorry that you are hurting, know that I am praying for you and for that great kid of yours.
They say this program is one of action, so what actions are you taking to get your recovery back on track? What you've done so far sounds great, a wonderful step at healing the damage you have done. I dunno how this program works for you, but for me it requires a lot of _prevention_. I do things like take time to call newbies who hurt more than I do, spend time with my sponsor, read the books and figure out how they apply to me, have service commitments at meetings. This morning I went out to an art fair with two newbies, after that I helped out some elderly members of the fellowship, and tonite I'm going out with another newbie couple.
I'm really glad you overcame this "codie-relapse". You're a wonderful person and I know your HP will help you restore the trust from your boy.
((((((( hugs )))))))))
Mike
You must have been in a great deal of pain to have allowed your disease to take hold of you like that. I'm truly sorry that you are hurting, know that I am praying for you and for that great kid of yours.
They say this program is one of action, so what actions are you taking to get your recovery back on track? What you've done so far sounds great, a wonderful step at healing the damage you have done. I dunno how this program works for you, but for me it requires a lot of _prevention_. I do things like take time to call newbies who hurt more than I do, spend time with my sponsor, read the books and figure out how they apply to me, have service commitments at meetings. This morning I went out to an art fair with two newbies, after that I helped out some elderly members of the fellowship, and tonite I'm going out with another newbie couple.
I'm really glad you overcame this "codie-relapse". You're a wonderful person and I know your HP will help you restore the trust from your boy.
((((((( hugs )))))))))
Mike
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Christina.....When I started reading this, the first thing I thought of was....you'd be the first one to point out to me how wrong this was. But obviously, you already realize that, and I can feel the hurt you feel...so I'm not going to beat a dead horse.
You realized and admitted what you did...THAT IS COMMENDABLE!! Forgive yourself. You cannot make amends with your son if you don't make amends with yourself first. Make things right with yourself....you took the first step, admitting to your son and alcoholic what you did. Now, like you said, put that shame you feel in God's hands...and make amends with your best friend....you.
You realized and admitted what you did...THAT IS COMMENDABLE!! Forgive yourself. You cannot make amends with your son if you don't make amends with yourself first. Make things right with yourself....you took the first step, admitting to your son and alcoholic what you did. Now, like you said, put that shame you feel in God's hands...and make amends with your best friend....you.
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Responding to the op, haven't read thru the replies yet...
I think it is commendable to take responsibility and apologize the way you did!!! It sets a very good example for your son, you can use your mistake, coming clean about it, and making apologies as a good starting point for some good discussions on anger, forgiveness, how you could have handled it better, etc. As for your AH's anger, let me play the devils advocate. Yes, he may be all the things you say he is, and you have every right to be angry, disappointed, hurt, etc., at him for being that way; But, what you did was still wrong and I can see why he's be upset. Hopefully, he will cool off and at least respect the fact that you had the integrity and guts to come clean. All you can do is admit you were wrong and apologize, if he chooses not to forgive you then he will just make himself miserable in the long run. You did the right thing.
I think it is commendable to take responsibility and apologize the way you did!!! It sets a very good example for your son, you can use your mistake, coming clean about it, and making apologies as a good starting point for some good discussions on anger, forgiveness, how you could have handled it better, etc. As for your AH's anger, let me play the devils advocate. Yes, he may be all the things you say he is, and you have every right to be angry, disappointed, hurt, etc., at him for being that way; But, what you did was still wrong and I can see why he's be upset. Hopefully, he will cool off and at least respect the fact that you had the integrity and guts to come clean. All you can do is admit you were wrong and apologize, if he chooses not to forgive you then he will just make himself miserable in the long run. You did the right thing.
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