Husband *says* he is is going to stay sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Aliquippa, Pa
Posts: 26
Husband *says* he is is going to stay sober
I've posted here before in my grief a long time ago...but I've been reading the posts almost regularly. Ironically, now that my AH has supposedly "seen the light" and swore off alcohol forever, I'm feeling distrustful and fearful.
He "saw the light" after calling the police on me and the kids after accusing us of stealing is wallet. I wouldn't come out of the bedroom with the kids because he had been drinking 24/7 for god knows how long and verbally and emotionally terrorizing us. The police misinterpreted the situation as ME holding the kids "hostage". I finally managed to explain the situation and told them that I'd talk to them if they told the jerkaholic to go somewhere else. The kids begged the cops to take him away. I begged them to charge him with ANYTHING to get him some help. No deal. The cops asked if I wanted a PFA. I told them quite honestly that he knows better than to *physically* harm us or make threats against our lives. Dammit.
I guess the one cop had some type of compassion because after the jerkaholic came back to put his .01c in....he told me..."Wendy, I just want you to know that if we have to come back here tonight we will FIND something to put him in jail for." He raised his eyebrows and looked me strait in the eyes. I know he meant what he said.
That's when my AH decided to go to his dads house. I guess he knew that either way he was screwed. I wouldn't allow him to come home. I told him he had to get detoxed and go to rehab followed by meetings. Then he came home (why am I such and IDIOT?) He said that he "detoxed" at his dads house already...and absolutely refused to go to rehab. I told him that if he wanted to stay that he had to go to meetings. He went to ONE meeting. The next day..he cleaned the house and was "too tired". The next day, he mowed the grass and wanted to cook me and the kids a special dinner and wanted to go "the next day"... I NEED some type of assurance that he's just not giving me some line of BS like he's always done. I KNOW what the "honeymoon" phase is and I don't like where this is heading. I have the kids to think about and now that I'm stronger and been to Al-Anon...I am torn. I KNOW what I have to do..but now that the kids have had their hope up...I'm faltering. I need strength.
I have told him that I am NOT responsible for his recovery. I'm not going to drag him to meetings or hold his hand. I will BE there WITH him when HE chooses to get help...but as long as he's living in this house he WILL be clean and sober and going to meetings. I'm not going to look them up for him, but I will drive him to the meetings.
Tonight he was the perfect gentleman..did all the household chores while I was at work..but he conveniently skirted around the issue of going to a meeting by immediately complaining about how tired he was and how he'd like to stay home and make me a nice dinner. Ok..I freaked. I lost control. I yelled and I carried on like a two year old. Mostly I was angry with myself because I allowed myself to be taken in again I think. Although he's not been drinking I know darn well where this cycle begins and I can see it.
The next step..after he gets us all comfortable is to start drinking "non-alcoholic beer"...then "just one or two..thats all". Yada yada.
The only thing that is bothering me right now is ...am I being to hard? He's sleeping on the hammock outside in the woods because I told him that if he didn't go to a meeting that he's going to have to live somewhere else until he has a sober recovery plan established ..other than HIS own plan. The kids are angry because they can see that dad hasn't been drinking...but dammit..I've been around this for so many years that I can surmise the outcome if I let him back in. I might add that when I confronted him about his making excuses not to go to meetings..that he started to rant an rave.."FINE! I'LL GO TO THE MEETINGS". I would not let him get my car...but he had other forms of transportation available...but he chose to wander around aimlessly without going to a meeting. All he had to do was CHOOSE to call up someone in this house (other than me) and ask them to ride him to the meeting. Well, the meeting is over now..but he's still in my back yard.
(sarcasm on...) he's probably out there contemplating how much of a non-supportive witch I've been and that's why he's going to decide to drink again. He'll blame me for not supporting him even though it's only been a week.
HELP!
Lonesome loser.
He "saw the light" after calling the police on me and the kids after accusing us of stealing is wallet. I wouldn't come out of the bedroom with the kids because he had been drinking 24/7 for god knows how long and verbally and emotionally terrorizing us. The police misinterpreted the situation as ME holding the kids "hostage". I finally managed to explain the situation and told them that I'd talk to them if they told the jerkaholic to go somewhere else. The kids begged the cops to take him away. I begged them to charge him with ANYTHING to get him some help. No deal. The cops asked if I wanted a PFA. I told them quite honestly that he knows better than to *physically* harm us or make threats against our lives. Dammit.
I guess the one cop had some type of compassion because after the jerkaholic came back to put his .01c in....he told me..."Wendy, I just want you to know that if we have to come back here tonight we will FIND something to put him in jail for." He raised his eyebrows and looked me strait in the eyes. I know he meant what he said.
That's when my AH decided to go to his dads house. I guess he knew that either way he was screwed. I wouldn't allow him to come home. I told him he had to get detoxed and go to rehab followed by meetings. Then he came home (why am I such and IDIOT?) He said that he "detoxed" at his dads house already...and absolutely refused to go to rehab. I told him that if he wanted to stay that he had to go to meetings. He went to ONE meeting. The next day..he cleaned the house and was "too tired". The next day, he mowed the grass and wanted to cook me and the kids a special dinner and wanted to go "the next day"... I NEED some type of assurance that he's just not giving me some line of BS like he's always done. I KNOW what the "honeymoon" phase is and I don't like where this is heading. I have the kids to think about and now that I'm stronger and been to Al-Anon...I am torn. I KNOW what I have to do..but now that the kids have had their hope up...I'm faltering. I need strength.
I have told him that I am NOT responsible for his recovery. I'm not going to drag him to meetings or hold his hand. I will BE there WITH him when HE chooses to get help...but as long as he's living in this house he WILL be clean and sober and going to meetings. I'm not going to look them up for him, but I will drive him to the meetings.
Tonight he was the perfect gentleman..did all the household chores while I was at work..but he conveniently skirted around the issue of going to a meeting by immediately complaining about how tired he was and how he'd like to stay home and make me a nice dinner. Ok..I freaked. I lost control. I yelled and I carried on like a two year old. Mostly I was angry with myself because I allowed myself to be taken in again I think. Although he's not been drinking I know darn well where this cycle begins and I can see it.
The next step..after he gets us all comfortable is to start drinking "non-alcoholic beer"...then "just one or two..thats all". Yada yada.
The only thing that is bothering me right now is ...am I being to hard? He's sleeping on the hammock outside in the woods because I told him that if he didn't go to a meeting that he's going to have to live somewhere else until he has a sober recovery plan established ..other than HIS own plan. The kids are angry because they can see that dad hasn't been drinking...but dammit..I've been around this for so many years that I can surmise the outcome if I let him back in. I might add that when I confronted him about his making excuses not to go to meetings..that he started to rant an rave.."FINE! I'LL GO TO THE MEETINGS". I would not let him get my car...but he had other forms of transportation available...but he chose to wander around aimlessly without going to a meeting. All he had to do was CHOOSE to call up someone in this house (other than me) and ask them to ride him to the meeting. Well, the meeting is over now..but he's still in my back yard.
(sarcasm on...) he's probably out there contemplating how much of a non-supportive witch I've been and that's why he's going to decide to drink again. He'll blame me for not supporting him even though it's only been a week.
HELP!
Lonesome loser.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Wendy1967
I have told him that I am NOT responsible for his recovery. I'm not going to drag him to meetings or hold his hand. I will BE there WITH him when HE chooses to get help...but as long as he's living in this house he WILL be clean and sober and going to meetings. I'm not going to look them up for him, but I will drive him to the meetings.
welcome to the SR community.
First, you may be feeling lonely, but you're not a loser, OK?
I hear a lot of frustration in your post. You are experiencing the pain and anger and frustration of living with an alcoholic.
I'm really glad you have attended some Al-anon meetings. One of the very best things you can do for yourself (notice I said "yourself") is to double up your Al-anon meetings. Set a schedule and go maybe 2-3 times a week.
You will be amazed at how this will help you to stop obsessing about his every word, action, and feeling.
One of the things I learned in Al-anon is that I cannot "force the recovery" of the alcoholic.
I would certainly not drive him to meetings - I learned this the hard way. When an alcoholic really wants sobriety badly, they will pick up the AA meeting phone card and call the numbers there until they find another recovering alcoholic who will come and pick them up. This is really important, because they get the added benefit of positive peer pressure on the drive to and from the meeting. My advice is just stop driving him to meetings, and start getting yourself out to more Al-anon meetings.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh to you, but it's something I learned the hard way.
God Bless.
Keep coming back
There is always hope and help available.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Boundaries Wendy....Keep your boundaries and defend them with life and limb. Mean what you say and say what you mean. No back sliding okay. I've lived with alcoholism for many years and it can get worse. I've had cops at my house too many times to count and I covered for my AH every time and who called them there?? The kids...if you and he have the line of communication open and the topic is on the table concerning treatment and AA. Then drive your point home and drive it hard. Alcoholics only respond to ultimatums. And not much else. My husband refused to even talk about getting help. That's another story though. Take care of you and yours. I'll be thinking about you tonight sweetpea.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
((wendy))
Robina has some good advice there about upping your meetings. When I was in a pretty crazed place like you seem to be I went as often as I could. If that's possible for you with everything else going on, I highly recommend it. If not, do you have any of the literature or one of the readers at home? That has always been a good source of comfort to me.
It's so hard when we know everything is unmanageable yet still have the nagging doubt that we are the problem. And I would imagine not easy with the kids not understanding. That is the craziness of this disease. Try not to beat yourself up too much. Keep coming back and posting as much as you can to try and stay sane in an insane situation.
Robina has some good advice there about upping your meetings. When I was in a pretty crazed place like you seem to be I went as often as I could. If that's possible for you with everything else going on, I highly recommend it. If not, do you have any of the literature or one of the readers at home? That has always been a good source of comfort to me.
It's so hard when we know everything is unmanageable yet still have the nagging doubt that we are the problem. And I would imagine not easy with the kids not understanding. That is the craziness of this disease. Try not to beat yourself up too much. Keep coming back and posting as much as you can to try and stay sane in an insane situation.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 4
Wendy you aren't a looser. You are setting boundries and that this the most important thing to do for yourself and your children. Like everyone else has said you can't force soberity on your husband, he needs to find this. My husband did the same thing and I kicked him out. He's now completed 30-day rehab and is now in sober living. That still doesn't mean his allowed back in the house. This is a boundary I have set for myself and my son. ALANON works, do it as much as possible and read, that has helped me during this period and I hope it helps you too.
Lots of love
Lots of love
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
Sounds like issues I have too. I finally realized that you cant make him do anything. If he doesnt go on his free will to AA meetings.... it wont work anyway. Being nagged at just makes it worse. No one likes to do stuff when they are being nagged.
What I did was just detatch as best I can. Absorb the good days and be detached on the bad days. My AH still doesnt go to AA but I go twice a week to Al-anon and now have a sponsor.
I now take care of myself as best I can. I can now enjoy my AH on good days. one day at a time. Remember when they're good they are very very good, and when they are bad... they are horrid
A poem we learned from little on that now I think pertains to us.... hmmmm...
What I did was just detatch as best I can. Absorb the good days and be detached on the bad days. My AH still doesnt go to AA but I go twice a week to Al-anon and now have a sponsor.
I now take care of myself as best I can. I can now enjoy my AH on good days. one day at a time. Remember when they're good they are very very good, and when they are bad... they are horrid
A poem we learned from little on that now I think pertains to us.... hmmmm...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Aliquippa, Pa
Posts: 26
Thanks to all of you who posted. I can't tell you how comforting and reassuring your words were. AH and I talked rationally and he seems to understand how terrified the family is of him having a relapse and that he can't expect that any of us are going to trust him after only a few weeks. Like I've said, I've known him for 25 years and I can tell even if he's only had one drink. He can't hide it from me and I really do
believe that he's clean and sober. Whether he stays sober or not, only time will tell. However, on a better note, he went to a meeting this afternoon while I was at work..on his own. He told me about the woman's story and he thought it was interesting. He's not going to promise that he'll go to a meeting every night, but he did promise to stick with the program. He doesn't want to lose me and the kids.
I still have my boundaries, he knows the consequences and this time I'm much too strong for him to play with my head anymore. Sometimes, I guess I just get into a weak moment where the ice that I created around my heart starts to melt and I start second guessing myself. If he stays sober, I'll be the happiest married woman in the world. If he starts drinking again...I'll be the happiest divorced woman in the world. Either way, I still win.
I'm going to try and go to more than a meeting a week even if I have to rearrange my work schedule. I need to remember to focus on myself and let the chips fall where they may for everything else.
believe that he's clean and sober. Whether he stays sober or not, only time will tell. However, on a better note, he went to a meeting this afternoon while I was at work..on his own. He told me about the woman's story and he thought it was interesting. He's not going to promise that he'll go to a meeting every night, but he did promise to stick with the program. He doesn't want to lose me and the kids.
I still have my boundaries, he knows the consequences and this time I'm much too strong for him to play with my head anymore. Sometimes, I guess I just get into a weak moment where the ice that I created around my heart starts to melt and I start second guessing myself. If he stays sober, I'll be the happiest married woman in the world. If he starts drinking again...I'll be the happiest divorced woman in the world. Either way, I still win.
I'm going to try and go to more than a meeting a week even if I have to rearrange my work schedule. I need to remember to focus on myself and let the chips fall where they may for everything else.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Aliquippa, Pa
Posts: 26
Wow. Here it is five years later and I'm still with my AH and nothing has changed..but it's definitely gotten worse. I've developed better coping mechanisms, but why the hell am I still here?
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
Ultimately, only you can answer why you are staying. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Perhaps you feel that your coping mechanisms are sufficient to endure the insanity. From what you just posted, it sounds like your AH is getting progressively worse.
I can only tell you what happened in my case, and that is my exAH got so bad, I couldn't imagine another minute of living in such a toxic environment. I was stressed, depressed, sick, crazy, and realized the man I married was long gone. I had to get out for my own sake. The day I had the movers come in and put my stuff in the truck, my ex was so drunk he was laying on the bed babbling incoherently. The moving guys just looked at him and shook their heads. That was more than enough for me to know I was making the right choice.
I guess when you're comfortable with the choices you make - whether it's to leave or stay - you'll go for it.
I can only tell you what happened in my case, and that is my exAH got so bad, I couldn't imagine another minute of living in such a toxic environment. I was stressed, depressed, sick, crazy, and realized the man I married was long gone. I had to get out for my own sake. The day I had the movers come in and put my stuff in the truck, my ex was so drunk he was laying on the bed babbling incoherently. The moving guys just looked at him and shook their heads. That was more than enough for me to know I was making the right choice.
I guess when you're comfortable with the choices you make - whether it's to leave or stay - you'll go for it.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Wendy1967 
Wow. Here it is five years later and I'm still with my AH and nothing has changed..but it's definitely gotten worse. I've developed better coping mechanisms, but why the hell am I still here?
I am so incredibly grateful I no longer take a front row seat to anyone's addictions, including my 32-year-old AD.
My home is without the chaos, insanity, fear, anger, and hopelessness that I lived with for so long.
Life is good!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Hi Wendy:
Thank you for you post. Thank you for sharing. I want to send you and your children (((((big hugs))))).
I'm an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). I married an alcoholic/addict. All of the insanity around my father's "drinking problem" and "possible drinking" when I was a child (though my dad was sober far more than he was ever under the influence & I don't think I've ever seen him with alcohol in his hand), witnessing these drama-filled, high tension interactions with my parents affected me deeply. Even after my father had committed to sobriety (and I am now an adult), there is still (less as time goes by) high drama between them because neither of them ever went into recovery. (I am a grown adult with my own child now.) Growing up in an alcoholic home (even without drinking & without alcohol), I feel I have been affected in every way possible (from career choices to relationships, friendships, partnerships, minor/major interactions with people on a daily basis, my self-esteem --everything.)
I want to send you and your children lots of positive energy. I know it's hard when living in active alcoholism, but as much as you can, I hope you will focus on you and your children. Your well-being and your children's are the most important thing! And I pray that your AH finds recovery for his sake, for your sake & most of all, for your children's sake. As many posts have stated, I hope you will find a strong support network here and/or in Alanon with experienced, warm, wise, and caring individuals who understand what you are going through.
You are *not* a loser.
Warmly,
YG
Thank you for you post. Thank you for sharing. I want to send you and your children (((((big hugs))))).
I'm an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). I married an alcoholic/addict. All of the insanity around my father's "drinking problem" and "possible drinking" when I was a child (though my dad was sober far more than he was ever under the influence & I don't think I've ever seen him with alcohol in his hand), witnessing these drama-filled, high tension interactions with my parents affected me deeply. Even after my father had committed to sobriety (and I am now an adult), there is still (less as time goes by) high drama between them because neither of them ever went into recovery. (I am a grown adult with my own child now.) Growing up in an alcoholic home (even without drinking & without alcohol), I feel I have been affected in every way possible (from career choices to relationships, friendships, partnerships, minor/major interactions with people on a daily basis, my self-esteem --everything.)
I want to send you and your children lots of positive energy. I know it's hard when living in active alcoholism, but as much as you can, I hope you will focus on you and your children. Your well-being and your children's are the most important thing! And I pray that your AH finds recovery for his sake, for your sake & most of all, for your children's sake. As many posts have stated, I hope you will find a strong support network here and/or in Alanon with experienced, warm, wise, and caring individuals who understand what you are going through.
You are *not* a loser.
Warmly,
YG
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
I feel terrible for you and the family. I am the AH and knowing what I put my family through, just kills me. I did alot of what you have descibed to my family.
I did the detox (best thing I've ever done for myself with some help from some good friends) and have been attending meetings. I feel better then I have in a long time, physically that is. I'm not allowed back home by police order plus the wife wouldn't want me back there anyway, not for a while, she wants time apart and I understand. It is depressing to me though, my parents have been great to me, I've got a bed to sleep in but I am 34 staying with my parents, I know, that alone, life is still great though. I miss my family even though the kids are here with me right now, I miss my wife and the family life as it should be, as it was. This feels like visitation and I am afraid that is what it will be if the wife desides that she doesn't want me back ever, I don't know that I can blame her, this is my fault but it scares the hell out of me.
I commend you for sticking with him through the hard times and I really hope he gets better. But, if it ain't getting better, you need to take care of you and your kids.
Get the Big Book, I just read the Wives of AH chapter, there was a lot of suggestions in there that a wife might be able to do to get her husband help while causing minimal disturbances to the family.
Well, as I hope to get better and make my family right again, I truely wish the same to you. Please keep us posted, I am very interested in how things turn out for you and your family. Take care and my thoughts are with you, you will make the right decisions.
I did the detox (best thing I've ever done for myself with some help from some good friends) and have been attending meetings. I feel better then I have in a long time, physically that is. I'm not allowed back home by police order plus the wife wouldn't want me back there anyway, not for a while, she wants time apart and I understand. It is depressing to me though, my parents have been great to me, I've got a bed to sleep in but I am 34 staying with my parents, I know, that alone, life is still great though. I miss my family even though the kids are here with me right now, I miss my wife and the family life as it should be, as it was. This feels like visitation and I am afraid that is what it will be if the wife desides that she doesn't want me back ever, I don't know that I can blame her, this is my fault but it scares the hell out of me.
I commend you for sticking with him through the hard times and I really hope he gets better. But, if it ain't getting better, you need to take care of you and your kids.
Get the Big Book, I just read the Wives of AH chapter, there was a lot of suggestions in there that a wife might be able to do to get her husband help while causing minimal disturbances to the family.
Well, as I hope to get better and make my family right again, I truely wish the same to you. Please keep us posted, I am very interested in how things turn out for you and your family. Take care and my thoughts are with you, you will make the right decisions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Wendy,
Glad you are back here again. This place and Nar-Anon are my lifelines....We have meetings onliine at naranon.com as well. I stayed with my ex for seven years. I didn't have a forum, but I did have a blog, and looking over it has really helped me to understand my own patterns as well as his patterns that I abhorred but tolerated. Keep coming back!
Glad you are back here again. This place and Nar-Anon are my lifelines....We have meetings onliine at naranon.com as well. I stayed with my ex for seven years. I didn't have a forum, but I did have a blog, and looking over it has really helped me to understand my own patterns as well as his patterns that I abhorred but tolerated. Keep coming back!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Aliquippa, Pa
Posts: 26
Thanks everyone. I need all the support I can get right now. Even with Al-anon, it's come to a point where getting through the day is a chore. I have my video blog on youtube.
‪wildchld97's Channel‬‏ - YouTube
It helps keep things in perspective and prevents him from trying to convince ME that I'm the one who is insane. All I have to do is look back at the tapes to realize I'm only crazy for staying in this house.
Hopefully a job will come through and I can get the hell out of here for good.
‪wildchld97's Channel‬‏ - YouTube
It helps keep things in perspective and prevents him from trying to convince ME that I'm the one who is insane. All I have to do is look back at the tapes to realize I'm only crazy for staying in this house.
Hopefully a job will come through and I can get the hell out of here for good.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Aliquippa, Pa
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by gerryP
My dear, Instead of making videos to prove that you are NOT the crazy one, pack up and get out and away from him and don't look back.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Hi,
I don't think you're being "too hard" at all. I am sure he has you convinced otherwise though. There must be a playbook that A's use to guilt us into giving that one last chance... Your story is very familiar... My H was NOT going to be allowed to come home after a serious winter bender, made all kinds of promises about rehab, meetings daily etc... and as you describe none of it happened. Always a reason to not go to a meeting and like you I lost it big time on more than one occassion. I kicked him out, got guilted into letting him back etc... Wanted to believe that THIS time it would be different and went through that cycle 5 or 6 times in the past 6 months. It's not going to be different until HE wants it to be and sadly you and I seem to want our H's to get better far far more than they do. Hang in there. Find supportive people, places, etc... you can turn to for support. I think that setting a boundary about him not being in the house is perfectly fine since you say he does have a history of abuse...
I don't think you're being "too hard" at all. I am sure he has you convinced otherwise though. There must be a playbook that A's use to guilt us into giving that one last chance... Your story is very familiar... My H was NOT going to be allowed to come home after a serious winter bender, made all kinds of promises about rehab, meetings daily etc... and as you describe none of it happened. Always a reason to not go to a meeting and like you I lost it big time on more than one occassion. I kicked him out, got guilted into letting him back etc... Wanted to believe that THIS time it would be different and went through that cycle 5 or 6 times in the past 6 months. It's not going to be different until HE wants it to be and sadly you and I seem to want our H's to get better far far more than they do. Hang in there. Find supportive people, places, etc... you can turn to for support. I think that setting a boundary about him not being in the house is perfectly fine since you say he does have a history of abuse...
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Wendy
I Have just watched a couple of your Youtube videos and my heart goes out to you. I have lived with a verbally abusive alcoholic for 23 yrs but haven't even come close to hearing some of the things I have just heard your husband saying to you.
You are dealing with two very different problems - alcoholism and abuse.
I have just left my AH about 5 weeks ago and it is the first time that I have lived on my own in all of my life (45yrs) After 18 months of Al-anon, SR and therapy, I began to believe that I deserved more in my life than what I had been putting up with. I started to believe that I was important, my health was important.
I learned to separate the two and at the end of the day, I left my AH more because of the abuse than the drinking.
Abusive men are just that - abusive. It is something deep within their core, their own personal values and beliefs that tell them that it is acceptable to abuse women. I can tell you now that it is not acceptable and I honestly believe that you and your children are not safe in that environment with that man.
I know that you are saying that you are looking for a job so that you can leave but I dont think that your current situation can wait that long. At the very least, you need some counseling/therapy to deal with the impact this 'nasty' man has clearly had on you and I am urging you to telephone an abuse hotline and get some advice and clarity for yourself and your children. Not only are you damaging yourself further by staying and listening to this man but you are damaging your children too.
Please do it today. You shouldn't have to spend one more day listening to the verbal diarrhea coming from your husbands mouth - its toxic with a capital T.
I Have just watched a couple of your Youtube videos and my heart goes out to you. I have lived with a verbally abusive alcoholic for 23 yrs but haven't even come close to hearing some of the things I have just heard your husband saying to you.
You are dealing with two very different problems - alcoholism and abuse.
I have just left my AH about 5 weeks ago and it is the first time that I have lived on my own in all of my life (45yrs) After 18 months of Al-anon, SR and therapy, I began to believe that I deserved more in my life than what I had been putting up with. I started to believe that I was important, my health was important.
I learned to separate the two and at the end of the day, I left my AH more because of the abuse than the drinking.
Abusive men are just that - abusive. It is something deep within their core, their own personal values and beliefs that tell them that it is acceptable to abuse women. I can tell you now that it is not acceptable and I honestly believe that you and your children are not safe in that environment with that man.
I know that you are saying that you are looking for a job so that you can leave but I dont think that your current situation can wait that long. At the very least, you need some counseling/therapy to deal with the impact this 'nasty' man has clearly had on you and I am urging you to telephone an abuse hotline and get some advice and clarity for yourself and your children. Not only are you damaging yourself further by staying and listening to this man but you are damaging your children too.
Please do it today. You shouldn't have to spend one more day listening to the verbal diarrhea coming from your husbands mouth - its toxic with a capital T.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I watched some of your videos, had to stop, not healthy for me.
You can go to your local womans shelter, if you don't want to do that what about a family member?
Only you can correct this situation, I hope that you will proceed with caution.
You can go to your local womans shelter, if you don't want to do that what about a family member?
Only you can correct this situation, I hope that you will proceed with caution.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
I haven't seen the videos but based on the responses, it don't sound good. I don't feel comfortable telling you what to do but if it's gone this far, you don't deserve it and I think you know what to do.
I hope this works out in one way or the other, for the intrest of you and the kids.
I hope this works out in one way or the other, for the intrest of you and the kids.
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