Going Out Of My Mind Help!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Pearl River NY
Posts: 13
Going Out Of My Mind Help!!!
HI
I am new to this site but I realized that I need help. My boyfriend of 1yr is an alcoholic. Our whole relationship up to this point has been based on lies and betrayals. The stress of this relationship has caused me to have a break down a few months ago. I am recoving but all the pain of the other women he cheated on me with and all the lies still remain on my mind everyday.
Everytime I found out about the cheating and the lies he told I left him and everytime he convienced me to come back telling me that he does these things due to his illness of alcoholism. He tells me that he does not even remember half the stuff he does. I even walkied in on one of the women in his bed. I had to DIe!!!! And the messed up thing is all these women are his ex's. No one new like a one night stand. He keeps in touch with all his ex's and rotates seeing them all. He tells me that I dont understand why he does the things he does. He said he has been though so much trauma in his life which causes him to lie and cheat.. IS THIS TRUE????? or just a selfish reason to get away with all this crap.......he tells me the alcoholism makes him do these things. Some people also have told me I may be a codependent,maybe I am?
I guess there is some good news also because one month ago he admitted himself in to the top rehab center in the country Hazelden to stop his drinking. He said he has had enough of his life and wants to change it. He tells me now how sorry he is for all the wrong he did to me and he wants me to forgive him and start over. BUT I CAN'T forget all the pain.
I told him I can't be with him anymore there is to much pain and he won't accept that. He calls none stop sends me letters etc. He was supposed to come home tomorrow but he said that he will do what ever to prove that he will change his life so we can be happy. So he signed up for another 6 weeks at a rehab in New Mexico. He said that he will do this so he has more of a chance to stay sober.
I don't know what to do should I believe him. I have nooooooooooo trust in him at all. If I stay when he gets back will he cheat on me again and lie. I am so hurt but I love him very much but I can't be unhappy.
I have read some of the stories on this site and it scares me. Some stated that thier mate left them when they got sober etc. very scary!
PLease help!!! Thanks
I am new to this site but I realized that I need help. My boyfriend of 1yr is an alcoholic. Our whole relationship up to this point has been based on lies and betrayals. The stress of this relationship has caused me to have a break down a few months ago. I am recoving but all the pain of the other women he cheated on me with and all the lies still remain on my mind everyday.
Everytime I found out about the cheating and the lies he told I left him and everytime he convienced me to come back telling me that he does these things due to his illness of alcoholism. He tells me that he does not even remember half the stuff he does. I even walkied in on one of the women in his bed. I had to DIe!!!! And the messed up thing is all these women are his ex's. No one new like a one night stand. He keeps in touch with all his ex's and rotates seeing them all. He tells me that I dont understand why he does the things he does. He said he has been though so much trauma in his life which causes him to lie and cheat.. IS THIS TRUE????? or just a selfish reason to get away with all this crap.......he tells me the alcoholism makes him do these things. Some people also have told me I may be a codependent,maybe I am?
I guess there is some good news also because one month ago he admitted himself in to the top rehab center in the country Hazelden to stop his drinking. He said he has had enough of his life and wants to change it. He tells me now how sorry he is for all the wrong he did to me and he wants me to forgive him and start over. BUT I CAN'T forget all the pain.
I told him I can't be with him anymore there is to much pain and he won't accept that. He calls none stop sends me letters etc. He was supposed to come home tomorrow but he said that he will do what ever to prove that he will change his life so we can be happy. So he signed up for another 6 weeks at a rehab in New Mexico. He said that he will do this so he has more of a chance to stay sober.
I don't know what to do should I believe him. I have nooooooooooo trust in him at all. If I stay when he gets back will he cheat on me again and lie. I am so hurt but I love him very much but I can't be unhappy.
I have read some of the stories on this site and it scares me. Some stated that thier mate left them when they got sober etc. very scary!
PLease help!!! Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome Baby072
I'm very sorry you are going through this. I had similar incidents at the beginning of my relationship with my AH. I also broke up with him a couple times. At that time I didn't know he was alcoholic, just that he drank. I knew nothing about the disease. He always cried and asked me to come back, which I did. 18 years later we are getting divorced.
If I had a crystal ball back then, I would have followed my instinct and stayed out of the relationship. There is no way to know if his behaviors are a result of his disease or not. You will only meet the "real" him after a long time of sobriety.
You say you have no trust in him. Listen to that. I don't know how young you are, but 1 year is a short time in the grand scheme of things.
If you're not ready to break off the relationship you can certainly take your time with it. Continue to live your life, see other people if you want and let him work on his recovery. It's great that he has chosen rehab. We always say let the alcoholic work their recovery. IMO he should be worrying about that - otherwise, is he just doing all this for you? He has to do it for him.
In the meantime, you can always try an Al-Anon meeting and get yourself educated about the disease - there are many excellent publications out there, including "Under the Influence." I also attend open AA meetings.
I'm sure you'll be getting some excellent feedback here. Keep posting and good luck!
I'm very sorry you are going through this. I had similar incidents at the beginning of my relationship with my AH. I also broke up with him a couple times. At that time I didn't know he was alcoholic, just that he drank. I knew nothing about the disease. He always cried and asked me to come back, which I did. 18 years later we are getting divorced.
If I had a crystal ball back then, I would have followed my instinct and stayed out of the relationship. There is no way to know if his behaviors are a result of his disease or not. You will only meet the "real" him after a long time of sobriety.
You say you have no trust in him. Listen to that. I don't know how young you are, but 1 year is a short time in the grand scheme of things.
If you're not ready to break off the relationship you can certainly take your time with it. Continue to live your life, see other people if you want and let him work on his recovery. It's great that he has chosen rehab. We always say let the alcoholic work their recovery. IMO he should be worrying about that - otherwise, is he just doing all this for you? He has to do it for him.
In the meantime, you can always try an Al-Anon meeting and get yourself educated about the disease - there are many excellent publications out there, including "Under the Influence." I also attend open AA meetings.
I'm sure you'll be getting some excellent feedback here. Keep posting and good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Pearl River NY
Posts: 13
Thanks
HI
Thank you so much for all your words and concerns. I did ask him if he was doing this for me only and he said no. He said that he has had a lot of childhood drama in his life and his drinking started at the age of 15. He is now 34. He said that he was sick of the life he lead and the humiliation and distruction the drinking caused his life. His counselors at the rehab said he was doing very well and the second place he is going to deal's with childhood trama.
I am very happy he is getting all this help but at the same time I feel like I am still living in the past of all the bad things that happend in the relationship. he keeps telling me he can't change the past and to forgive him. And I know it is only a year and I should leave. But I guess I am afraid if I do leave them I will miss out if he does get well. I am so confused I dont sleep, eat etc. I am very depressed.
Thank you so much for all your words and concerns. I did ask him if he was doing this for me only and he said no. He said that he has had a lot of childhood drama in his life and his drinking started at the age of 15. He is now 34. He said that he was sick of the life he lead and the humiliation and distruction the drinking caused his life. His counselors at the rehab said he was doing very well and the second place he is going to deal's with childhood trama.
I am very happy he is getting all this help but at the same time I feel like I am still living in the past of all the bad things that happend in the relationship. he keeps telling me he can't change the past and to forgive him. And I know it is only a year and I should leave. But I guess I am afraid if I do leave them I will miss out if he does get well. I am so confused I dont sleep, eat etc. I am very depressed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
IS THIS TRUE????? or just a selfish reason to get away with all this crap
You are hurt now. I am very sure of it. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt and the hat. The question is: do you want to spend the rest of your life being repeatedly hurt?
I have nooooooooooo trust in him at all.
That seems like a waste of a lifespan to me.
I'm not going to push any particular program, but there are many out there, including Al-Anon, CODA and ACoA. You can also just sit here and read what other's have been through. I am not in a program, I've been in therapy off and on for about 20 years though. It took me about 7 years to get to where I could spot the signs of an addicted person right off, and no longer find myself drawn to it.
I'm still working on being an Adult Child and taking care of ME, and not worrying about THEM.
I know you're confused and hurt. If you can manage to channel that energy and focus it on yourself and what YOU want out of life (independent of anyone else..not "I want to be with so and so", but "I want to be happy" or "I want to not worry anymore" or "I want to not have my trust and boundaries violated"), you may find that by focussing on you, much of the stress goes away and you may start feeling good about things again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Pearl River NY
Posts: 13
Guilty
Most of the time when I tell him it is over he begins to make me feel guilty by telling me how can I tell him I love him so much and then walk out. He said love will conquer all. he said he wants to be with me forever!! He said he is finally getting the help he needs and now i am going to leave. The past week I guess from the last conversation we had and me telling him I was not kidding I need him to leave me alone. Well he did honor it for about 4 days. Then he called flipping out don't I miss him and love him anymore. He told me that he never experienced love like this before. He always tells me that like I am to good to be true because I do care.I feel bad for him and for myself I want to believe I truly do that he will get well. But on the other hand can I reallly risk my own happiness. I guess I am also scared to not have in my life. When i do break it off I am just as upset as being with him. I am sooooooooooo confused...
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I told him I can't be with him anymore there is to much pain and he won't accept that. He calls none stop sends me letters etc.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Most of the time when I tell him it is over he begins to make me feel guilty by telling me how can I tell him I love him so much and then walk out. He said love will conquer all. he said he wants to be with me forever!!
Second of all, I'm sure he said the very same thing to all the ex's he sleeps with and still keeps in touch with. Stop being so naieve.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
He told me that he never experienced love like this before.
I understand how painful this is for you, but give yourself TIME. That feeling of misery that you have when not with him is to be expected at first- a breakup is never really easy. You need space and time to grow. He'll continue his own recovery without you IF HE IS SERIOUS. You should focus on your own. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
he begins to make me feel guilty
Do you feel that his treatment of you was right or acceptable? Do you feel that someone who truly loves you would treat you that way? If the answer is yes, then get ye to a counsellor ASAP.
If the answer is no, then your answer to his attempts at guilt tripping you should be "I didn't make you cheat on me, that was YOUR decision and you are now experiencing the logical consequences of YOUR actions." Or "I will not accept responsibility for your actions in the past" By feeling guilty, that is exactly what you are doing - accepting some share of responsibility for the decisions and actions he made.
I think I can be fairly sure that you did not want him to cheat, did not ask him to cheat, did not force him to cheat, did not want or enjoy having your trust violated. HE did those things - not at your request, but of his own choosing. Why should you take ANY responsibility for that? Guilt is for the guilty, not the victim.
He is a big boy (too big for his britches if you ask me). He made bad decisions, it's time to let him deal with the consequences of those decisions, not blame you for them (in whatever way he's trying to guilt trip you).
I would suggest not taking his calls, and 'return to sender'ing his letters. If you have email, block his address. If he does get ahold of you, and pulls the old "I thought you loved me" crap, tell him you loved a man whom you thought you could trust, he has proven to you that he is not that man, and you were deceived. Keep repeating that statement, using the exact same words, as many times as is needed. Eventually he will realize that you are not going to change your stance on the situatin. As long as he can get you to argue with him, he can keep you hooked in. If you refuse to argue and just repeat the same sentence over and over again, he will have nothing to argue with.
One thing you might want to think about: do you miss the relationship (the actual relationship with him, warts and all) or do you mourn for what you thought the relationship *could be*. You can mourn the loss of potential, without mourning for him. Separating those two concepts might help you put things into perspective.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Pearl River NY
Posts: 13
SO Right
HI
Thank you for your advice. And you I know you are right he has always maniplated me back into his life one way or another. And I did not think of it that way if I am there to argue then he does still have me under his control. He tells me he only cheated because the alcohol made him do it. Is that true??? You say that he is responsible for his actions. But he says that he is sick and that is why he does the bad things he does??? I guess that is what I struggle with it is the disease or does he know what he does???
Thank you for your advice. And you I know you are right he has always maniplated me back into his life one way or another. And I did not think of it that way if I am there to argue then he does still have me under his control. He tells me he only cheated because the alcohol made him do it. Is that true??? You say that he is responsible for his actions. But he says that he is sick and that is why he does the bad things he does??? I guess that is what I struggle with it is the disease or does he know what he does???
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I guess that is what I struggle with it is the disease or does he know what he does???
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
You know that if you touch a hot stove, you will burn your hand.
He knows on some level that if he goes out drinking, he will end up bedding some other woman.
You don't stick your hand on hot stoves.
He continues to drink.
That should answer your question of whether or not it's the disease or him. The answer is that it's both. A disease can not exist without a host. The host has done nothing to rid himself of the disease.
Focus on YOU, what you want and need out of life. Do you want to be with a lying manipulative man who is possibly exposing you to STDs and perpetually thrashing your self esteem?
He knows on some level that if he goes out drinking, he will end up bedding some other woman.
You don't stick your hand on hot stoves.
He continues to drink.
That should answer your question of whether or not it's the disease or him. The answer is that it's both. A disease can not exist without a host. The host has done nothing to rid himself of the disease.
Focus on YOU, what you want and need out of life. Do you want to be with a lying manipulative man who is possibly exposing you to STDs and perpetually thrashing your self esteem?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Pearl River NY
Posts: 13
i WILL LEARN
I know you are all right I guess it is hard for me to let go of the man I know he could be. When I first met him I did not know all the **** he did and how bad his disease was. He was soooooooooo great and I tought that I met the man I would spend my life with. I guess I have to accept that he will never be the man I want and move on. Some how with Gods help I will do this. And if for some miracle he does get his life together and our paths cross again then I will take it from there. Thanks for all your help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hi Baby072
Good luck with everything. You mentioned at the beginning that you were very depressed. I hope that you will get some help for yourself - therapy. It will also help you understand the reasons you got into this relationship. That way, you can avoid repeating YOUR same patterns in the future.
Good luck with everything. You mentioned at the beginning that you were very depressed. I hope that you will get some help for yourself - therapy. It will also help you understand the reasons you got into this relationship. That way, you can avoid repeating YOUR same patterns in the future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Pearl River NY
Posts: 13
5 days
Well it has been 5 days since i have spoken to my ABF. He calls me but I maanged to ignore the calls. Since this site I have been getting stronger but I am afraid when he comes home from rehab that he will try very hard to contact me. And a face to face incounter with him makes me worry he will convience me to go back to him. I have soooooooooooo much anger more like rage over the things he has done to me. I dont sleep last night I woke up at 3am in a panic of all the women he cheated on me with. I wish the memories would die so I could really move on.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I'm happy to hear that you have maintained no contact with him! 
I'm also glad that you will very supported here. Your rage is natural and it is simply a stage of recovery.
Try not to project too much into the future as far as what he may or may not do when he gets out. It would be no shock whatsoever if he shows up on your doorstep however. Let me just say this, people in recovery need at least one solid year of sobriety in order to get their minds together, etc. DO NOT for one minute think that just b/c he did a stint in rehab that he is somehow "cured." That was just the BEGINNING for him. The true test comes after rehab.
Do not fall victim to any lines he throws at you and do not feel pity or obligation to him. HE IS THE ONE that destroyed your trust in him and your respect for him. YOU need to rebuild your life w/o him. There are men out there that won't break your trust even once-- much less time and time again!
I'm also glad that you will very supported here. Your rage is natural and it is simply a stage of recovery. Try not to project too much into the future as far as what he may or may not do when he gets out. It would be no shock whatsoever if he shows up on your doorstep however. Let me just say this, people in recovery need at least one solid year of sobriety in order to get their minds together, etc. DO NOT for one minute think that just b/c he did a stint in rehab that he is somehow "cured." That was just the BEGINNING for him. The true test comes after rehab.
Do not fall victim to any lines he throws at you and do not feel pity or obligation to him. HE IS THE ONE that destroyed your trust in him and your respect for him. YOU need to rebuild your life w/o him. There are men out there that won't break your trust even once-- much less time and time again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Pearl River NY
Posts: 13
Strong
I will do my best to remain strong and stay away from him. You are right he totally distroyed my trust in him and now i only have anger for him. He did tell me last week that he is well and sober and we can now move on with our life. He really thinks that I am going to just say ok no problem all is forgiven. NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like you said if he remains sober for a year and if our paths should ever cross again then I will take it from there. BUT I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!!!! 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Im sorry your angry... but just go with it and let it all out... It really is part of the recovery.
I use to have problems sleeping too and my ex-A cheated on me many times too... Im one of the worlds greatest spinner... I will go over something over and over .......
My only suggestion is to get busy... get busy reading, volenteering, meetings, friends ... whatever, just get busy. It helps alot to keep your mind focused. Though Im not big on working out I know that if you workout really hard and get it out physically you will probably sleep alot better.
*hugs* Put yourself first and keep the focus off him. Have you thought about changing you phone number?
I use to have problems sleeping too and my ex-A cheated on me many times too... Im one of the worlds greatest spinner... I will go over something over and over .......
My only suggestion is to get busy... get busy reading, volenteering, meetings, friends ... whatever, just get busy. It helps alot to keep your mind focused. Though Im not big on working out I know that if you workout really hard and get it out physically you will probably sleep alot better.
*hugs* Put yourself first and keep the focus off him. Have you thought about changing you phone number?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
