Please welcome Ujean

Old 05-09-2006, 03:46 PM
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first time post here

I don't want to enable my husband, who I think is an alcoholic. I completely agree with leaving the intoxicated alone to deal with their own consequences. But what do I do when he wants to go to his buddies house to play poker and get drunk and then he wants me to drive over to pick him up and drive him home? I feel like doing this is enabling him but I don't want him to drive home drunk or not come home at all.
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Old 05-09-2006, 04:46 PM
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Welcome Ujean.. Glad you found this site, it is the greatest ever.
Do you attend Al-Anon meetings?? We need both Al-Anon and here.

This is just my opinion, but when drunk driving is involved I would feel I am protecting myself by doing the driving. Perhaps he could call a buddy to pick him up to go and the buddy drive him home.???

This is different, most men are sure they can drive, and no one can talk them out of it.
I am not much help today, others will reply, I just wanted to say glad you found us.
Keep coming back.
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Old 05-09-2006, 05:00 PM
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Welcome Ujean

This is a tough one. I hope someone comes along who has a good response, because I'm stuck. I don't know about where you live, but is a taxi an alternative? It would seem you're locked into an enabling position because he could threaten to drive if you don't do it. You might just have to let him. I know that's not an easy decision.

Wish I had some words of wisdom. Keep posting.
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Old 05-09-2006, 08:05 PM
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I use to beg my hubby to call me to come and get him when he had finished his latest binge. Swore I wouldn't say a word, but he would never do it.
I worried about him getting killed or worse killing someone else, some one innocent.
I don't know if it is enabling or just common sense to go pick up a drunk when they ask.
I know when my kids were growing up, I told them not to drink, BUT if they did not to drive, to instead call me and I would come and get them and there would be no punishment. I only had to do it once. Now I don't believe they never drove after drinking, but they knew they could call if they needed help getting home without punishment. Right or wrong, enabling or not, it may have saved my sons life or the life of someone else that night he called me to come and get him. I will never know.

I guess, I don't think going to pick up a drunk is enabling. Now, if you have to get three small children out of their beds and drag the out to do this, (I know you didn't say that, but just throwing that circumstance in) I would say that is a problem and enabling. I guess each situation stand for itself and each person as well. If you feel put out about doing it and it angers you , but you do it anyway, then it is a problem.

So my answer is it could be enabling it might not, depends on the circumstances of the situation and how you feel about it.
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Old 05-10-2006, 04:53 AM
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Ujean welcome!!!

This is my opinion: I know it's hard to say no, i've been in the same position with my partner. However, it is enabling, it's making it easy for him to go there, drink irresponsibly to the point that he's not able to make his way home by driving himself. An adult is responsible for his own behavour. If your husband goes there, gets drunk and then drives back home and causes an accident with possible devastating consequences for himself and/or others, you're not responsible, HE IS.

If he decides to stay there overnight because he decides that it is not safe to drive, it's HIS CHOICE. Nothing you can do about that, except SAYING to him that you're not happy that he sleeps out.

Love Jo
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Old 05-10-2006, 05:17 AM
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Welcome Ujean! Yes, this is a tough one. I would be first to respond to him with a responce that I wouldn't come get him, but then the alternitive options are not so good. (drunk driving, him maybe injuring or killing someone if he drives)
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Old 05-10-2006, 06:31 AM
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Welcome to SR. I would suggest that either he call a taxi or one of the buddies at the poker game can bring him home. It should not be your responsibility. If they are all too drunk to drive and your AH does not take the initiative to call on a taxi, let him sleep it off at his buddy's house. Those are the only options I can think of for you.
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Old 05-10-2006, 09:29 AM
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I have to agree with Jo......she is spot on with that advice.

My first thought is ...hey he got his arse there by himself...
he can get his arse back by himself too.
His choice, his consequence......
And
Welcome to SR....so glad you found us.
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