New Here need some advice. LONG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: apache junction Az
Posts: 29
New Here need some advice. LONG
My husband has a drinking problem. I think he is an A but he just thinks he is drinking too much lately.
We have 3 kids ages 7-13. He is a very good father unless he is drinking. He is an ideal husband unless he is drinking. He drinkes almost every night from the time he gets home from work until he goes to bed. He gets drunk 1-3 times a week. He becomes very verbally abusive towards me and the kids. It used to be just me he would do this to but now he does it to the kids and he is now crossing the line occasionally into physical like twisting an arm or pushing with the kids.
I see the hurt he is causing them and it is killing me.
If he has been drinking I can't sleep at night because I feel I am protecting myself and I can't stand him to touch me anymore. He never remembers when he bothers me during the night. He is very aggressive and persistant. He says he can't remember and is sorry and he wishes he wouldn't do it but can't stop himself if he doesn't know. It used to be only when he drank liquor but now it is even with beer.
I told him a few weeks ago if he didn't start treating me better I was going to leave when the kids got out of school for the summer. I have been making plans to leave since that time.
Sunday night he didn't drink for the first time in a few weeks because we were driving. When we went to bed he asked if I was ready to play and I said not really. Then he asks if he has done something wrong because I act like I don't want to be with him anymore. I told him it was the same thing how he treats the kids and I. He proceeds to tell me how he is doing so much better and he thought he was doing a good job. I told him I noticed he was not attacking me as much but I hadn't seen a diffrence with the kids.
I told him his drinking is a problem. He says he realizes he has been drinking too much lately.
I told him maybe we need some time apart get our lives back in order. He didn't act like I said anything about that.
To my surprise last night he didn't drink. That is 2 nights in a row.
My problem is I am so up and down. I am making plans to leave in 3 weeks time but if he isn't drinking as much should I stay.
I don't want to leave but I want my kids to have a stable life. I want the husband back I used to be married to. I feel like I am wrong to leave and I am wrong to stay. I love him but I can't stand him right now.
Every time he drinks and does things it makes me hate him just a little more.
My kids are acting out and I am seeing the affects all this is having on them and that is what helped me come to the decision to leave. I am now second guessing everything because when he is good I see him as the man I have always loved. I read the stuff here about how much worse other peoples situations are and I wonder if I am being to hard and jumping too fast.
I sometimes feel like it is all a dream and I have always questioned things the next day but now my kids are telling me how it is affecting them. How they just want daddy to stop drinking so much. That is the only thing that makes it real right now.
I just don't know what to do at this point.
If you have a similar story could you share with me.
I just feel lost. I dont' want to feel like I have to protect my kids. That I am worried that he will go too far.
I am sorry this is so long and for rambling I just don't know where to turn at this point. Thanks for listening.
We have 3 kids ages 7-13. He is a very good father unless he is drinking. He is an ideal husband unless he is drinking. He drinkes almost every night from the time he gets home from work until he goes to bed. He gets drunk 1-3 times a week. He becomes very verbally abusive towards me and the kids. It used to be just me he would do this to but now he does it to the kids and he is now crossing the line occasionally into physical like twisting an arm or pushing with the kids.
I see the hurt he is causing them and it is killing me.
If he has been drinking I can't sleep at night because I feel I am protecting myself and I can't stand him to touch me anymore. He never remembers when he bothers me during the night. He is very aggressive and persistant. He says he can't remember and is sorry and he wishes he wouldn't do it but can't stop himself if he doesn't know. It used to be only when he drank liquor but now it is even with beer.
I told him a few weeks ago if he didn't start treating me better I was going to leave when the kids got out of school for the summer. I have been making plans to leave since that time.
Sunday night he didn't drink for the first time in a few weeks because we were driving. When we went to bed he asked if I was ready to play and I said not really. Then he asks if he has done something wrong because I act like I don't want to be with him anymore. I told him it was the same thing how he treats the kids and I. He proceeds to tell me how he is doing so much better and he thought he was doing a good job. I told him I noticed he was not attacking me as much but I hadn't seen a diffrence with the kids.
I told him his drinking is a problem. He says he realizes he has been drinking too much lately.
I told him maybe we need some time apart get our lives back in order. He didn't act like I said anything about that.
To my surprise last night he didn't drink. That is 2 nights in a row.
My problem is I am so up and down. I am making plans to leave in 3 weeks time but if he isn't drinking as much should I stay.
I don't want to leave but I want my kids to have a stable life. I want the husband back I used to be married to. I feel like I am wrong to leave and I am wrong to stay. I love him but I can't stand him right now.
Every time he drinks and does things it makes me hate him just a little more.
My kids are acting out and I am seeing the affects all this is having on them and that is what helped me come to the decision to leave. I am now second guessing everything because when he is good I see him as the man I have always loved. I read the stuff here about how much worse other peoples situations are and I wonder if I am being to hard and jumping too fast.
I sometimes feel like it is all a dream and I have always questioned things the next day but now my kids are telling me how it is affecting them. How they just want daddy to stop drinking so much. That is the only thing that makes it real right now.
I just don't know what to do at this point.
If you have a similar story could you share with me.
I just feel lost. I dont' want to feel like I have to protect my kids. That I am worried that he will go too far.
I am sorry this is so long and for rambling I just don't know where to turn at this point. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR... Im sorry you are hurting.
Sounds like you feeling stuck, I would suggest you try Al-anon meetings, counceling for not only you but also your children...
When my daughter was not yet 2 I left her father because I could not bring myself to live that unacceptable life anymore... the part that scarred me is when I was asked if that is what I wanted to teach my daughter... that its ok be be treated like that.... I looked into the future and tried to imagine how I would feel if my daughter was 28 years old and living my life and thinking it was acceptable.. I ended up crying and left my husband.
What has been true for me is action... I just had to learn not to lesson to thier words...he was not my first Alcoholic and not my last, but today Im making better decisions about what is acceptable. I dont know if this helps at all, but know that your not alone and we are glad your here.
I look forward to getting to know you.
Sounds like you feeling stuck, I would suggest you try Al-anon meetings, counceling for not only you but also your children...
When my daughter was not yet 2 I left her father because I could not bring myself to live that unacceptable life anymore... the part that scarred me is when I was asked if that is what I wanted to teach my daughter... that its ok be be treated like that.... I looked into the future and tried to imagine how I would feel if my daughter was 28 years old and living my life and thinking it was acceptable.. I ended up crying and left my husband.
What has been true for me is action... I just had to learn not to lesson to thier words...he was not my first Alcoholic and not my last, but today Im making better decisions about what is acceptable. I dont know if this helps at all, but know that your not alone and we are glad your here.
I look forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: u.s.
Posts: 19
My situation is very similar to yours. Even down to the ages of the kids. The only not the same is that my AH has never been verbally abusive with the girls, it always seems aimed towards me. This is probably the only reason I haven't left him yet. It's easy for me to take his crap, but I couldn't let the kids do it. I'm also very new here and just discovering a lot of things about myself, so I don't know what advice to offer except to find a support group for yourself (my first meeting will be tomorrow). I don't know what path I'm suppose to take, I won't make any decisions until I'm sure. God Bless, and I'll be praying for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
refreshing, Welcome to SR, I am so glad you found this site, it is the greatest ever.
I did not have childern, so have nothing to share for you on that.
I would like to ask, have you ever gone to Al-Anon , open AA meetings, read a lot on alcoholism etc.?? Are you seeing a counselor?? It is nice to know how much you already know. I do know we need Al-Anon as well as this site.
Try to put a decession (sp) on hold untill you spend time learning or adding to your knowledge.
Others will be along soon with reply's .
Keep comeing back, and remember to take what you can use and leave the rest.
This is so hard for you and the childern. HUGS
I did not have childern, so have nothing to share for you on that.
I would like to ask, have you ever gone to Al-Anon , open AA meetings, read a lot on alcoholism etc.?? Are you seeing a counselor?? It is nice to know how much you already know. I do know we need Al-Anon as well as this site.
Try to put a decession (sp) on hold untill you spend time learning or adding to your knowledge.
Others will be along soon with reply's .
Keep comeing back, and remember to take what you can use and leave the rest.
This is so hard for you and the childern. HUGS
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: u.s.
Posts: 19
P.S. Something else I wanted to add...Until I decide what I'm going to do, I've been putting a lot of focus on the girls lately. It helps me to be more clear headed when I spend time doing things with them. It also keeps us occupied while my AH is drinking himself into a stuper. Example: last night we had girls night in. We did facials and our nails and ate snacks while watching movies in my room. AH was passed out on the couch. It helps to seperate us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome refreshing
I also do not have children. But I was with my AH for 18 years. Reading your story is another reminder that the disease is progressive. I well remember the stage you are in right now. It was a confusing time for me because I couldn't put my finger on just what was going wrong.
I have found help through Al-Anon, therapy, my friends, my doctor and here at SR. In a 12-step program it's suggested not to make any major decisions for a year and I have done that. My AH, though, decided he wanted a divorce rather than address his drinking. That is his choice and I'm honoring it. In the meantime, I am working on my own recovery. It has been a relief, actually, to not have to focus on his drinking any longer.
There was a time when my AH also got scared and stopped drinking for days or weeks because he thought I would leave him. By the end - 8 months ago - he chose the alcohol over everything else.
I think a good indicator for you of how bad things are getting is your children acting out. Right now you are the only one who can do anything. If your husband decides he wants sobriety, he will have to make that choice himself.
Keep in mind, you didn't cause, can't control it and can't cure it.
Good luck to you and keep posting.
I also do not have children. But I was with my AH for 18 years. Reading your story is another reminder that the disease is progressive. I well remember the stage you are in right now. It was a confusing time for me because I couldn't put my finger on just what was going wrong.
I have found help through Al-Anon, therapy, my friends, my doctor and here at SR. In a 12-step program it's suggested not to make any major decisions for a year and I have done that. My AH, though, decided he wanted a divorce rather than address his drinking. That is his choice and I'm honoring it. In the meantime, I am working on my own recovery. It has been a relief, actually, to not have to focus on his drinking any longer.
There was a time when my AH also got scared and stopped drinking for days or weeks because he thought I would leave him. By the end - 8 months ago - he chose the alcohol over everything else.
I think a good indicator for you of how bad things are getting is your children acting out. Right now you are the only one who can do anything. If your husband decides he wants sobriety, he will have to make that choice himself.
Keep in mind, you didn't cause, can't control it and can't cure it.
Good luck to you and keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: apache junction Az
Posts: 29
Thank you for the responses. It is helpful to have feedback.
I do not know alot about alcoholism. I just know what it has done to our family.
Right now I am reading everything I can and trying to understand it.
The reason I decided to leave in the first place was the kids. I always said I would stay for the kids UNTIL he started treating them like me. He also doesn't do anything physical to me but to them. My kids are afraid of him when he drinks.
marmee-I appriciate what you say abot focusing on the kids. I have been doing that for a while now. My kids are changing some in the fact that they are becoming more clingy and express more how they feel. It is great advice. Thank you.
H doesn't pass out he doesn't go to bed till I do.
I also want to add that right now I am just trying to keep peace with him to now set him off and that is not how I want to live. I just want him to stop drinking.
I do not know alot about alcoholism. I just know what it has done to our family.
Right now I am reading everything I can and trying to understand it.
The reason I decided to leave in the first place was the kids. I always said I would stay for the kids UNTIL he started treating them like me. He also doesn't do anything physical to me but to them. My kids are afraid of him when he drinks.
marmee-I appriciate what you say abot focusing on the kids. I have been doing that for a while now. My kids are changing some in the fact that they are becoming more clingy and express more how they feel. It is great advice. Thank you.
H doesn't pass out he doesn't go to bed till I do.
I also want to add that right now I am just trying to keep peace with him to now set him off and that is not how I want to live. I just want him to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by refreshing34
He is a very good father unless he is drinking. He is an ideal husband unless he is drinking. He drinkes almost every night from the time he gets home from work until he goes to bed.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Welcome to SR and I am sorry for the pain you and your children are going through at the expense of addiction. I am going to be very frank w/you out of concern and for the sake of honesty...
They are always "doing SOOOO good" w/o really doing a thing aren't they?? That is very common--- the "look at me, I haven't drunk anything for 2 days, give me a cookie." It will not last until he is very serious about recovery all for himself and no longer feels the need to seek approval and have a cheering squad around him recognizing "progress" that does not exist.
If he is a good husband and good father when he is NOT drinking, but he drinks "all the time," that doesn't make him very "good" does it??? I'm not bashing him or you, but I'm being real about the alcoholic cycle that exists and that has driven you here. He drinks, he becomes nasty, is becoming moreso, he quits for just long enough for you to stay and as soon as you become "comfortable," he's back to the drink. Repeat.
This cycle will not end unless one of you makes a serious change. Please go to www.empoweredrecovery.com and do a little reading. There's a free e-book for download. Your children's welfare and safety along with yours is now at risk b/c of his drinking. Your children do not deserve to live in an alcoholic household. You may think you can "cope" w/it, but I'm sure your children will have a much more difficult time. You all need Al-anon or some sort of recovery program so that if you choose to stay, you can learn how to "cope" in as healthy a way as possible while continuing to live with him. All the best.
He proceeds to tell me how he is doing so much better and he thought he was doing a good job.
If he is a good husband and good father when he is NOT drinking, but he drinks "all the time," that doesn't make him very "good" does it??? I'm not bashing him or you, but I'm being real about the alcoholic cycle that exists and that has driven you here. He drinks, he becomes nasty, is becoming moreso, he quits for just long enough for you to stay and as soon as you become "comfortable," he's back to the drink. Repeat.
This cycle will not end unless one of you makes a serious change. Please go to www.empoweredrecovery.com and do a little reading. There's a free e-book for download. Your children's welfare and safety along with yours is now at risk b/c of his drinking. Your children do not deserve to live in an alcoholic household. You may think you can "cope" w/it, but I'm sure your children will have a much more difficult time. You all need Al-anon or some sort of recovery program so that if you choose to stay, you can learn how to "cope" in as healthy a way as possible while continuing to live with him. All the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by ASpouse
Cup, why do you call him your SO when he is clearly your ex-Alcoholic husband. It sort of skews your advice and input to others.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
The alcoholic in my life was my ex fiancee. He was wonderful too, actually
even when he drank. He wasn't abusive, I was moreso than he was really.
I was angry and frustrated all the time. Sucks not being able to have a
decent conversation about future plans (ha future meaning weekend)
with someone drunk who won't remember it 5 minutes from now let alone
tomorrow. He was good to my kids, joked with them, gave them money,
praised them....for all practical purposes he was a non-issue with them.
They knew he was an A but didn't react to him for the above reasons.
That was until they saw me crying night after night alone in my room
because I knew I had to let go of the man that I loved.
In the last days before I sent my ex on his way my boys 15 & 17 yrs
said to me in no uncertain terms...."Mom, get rid of him...NOW."
It doesn't get better over night, sometimes it never does....
2 days means nothing to a disease that lasts a life time....
even when he drank. He wasn't abusive, I was moreso than he was really.
I was angry and frustrated all the time. Sucks not being able to have a
decent conversation about future plans (ha future meaning weekend)
with someone drunk who won't remember it 5 minutes from now let alone
tomorrow. He was good to my kids, joked with them, gave them money,
praised them....for all practical purposes he was a non-issue with them.
They knew he was an A but didn't react to him for the above reasons.
That was until they saw me crying night after night alone in my room
because I knew I had to let go of the man that I loved.
In the last days before I sent my ex on his way my boys 15 & 17 yrs
said to me in no uncertain terms...."Mom, get rid of him...NOW."
It doesn't get better over night, sometimes it never does....
2 days means nothing to a disease that lasts a life time....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Everyone uses XAH or exAH, so I think everyone would know what that means.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter and I don't want to hijack the thread away from refreshing .... she's gotten some wonderful words of wisdom from some very wise folks.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter and I don't want to hijack the thread away from refreshing .... she's gotten some wonderful words of wisdom from some very wise folks.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
HI refreshing!
Just the two things above are enough for me.
Take care of your needs and your childrens needs. Your desires are important.
Your childrens safety is important.
Take care of you and the kids first and foremost!
he is now crossing the line occasionally into physical like twisting an arm or pushing with the kids.
I don't want to be with him anymore
Take care of your needs and your childrens needs. Your desires are important.
Your childrens safety is important.
Take care of you and the kids first and foremost!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
I think sometimes it's not so black and white. Probably none of us would be here if we could just pick up and go. Its hard when you want and have hope for the relationship you once had or had planned to have, to just leave it. Especially when there are children involved.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by cupowater
I think sometimes it's not so black and white. Probably none of us would be here if we could just pick up and go.
A lot of us have "picked up and gone." In fact, my only regret about splitting with my husband is that I didn't do it sooner. Mostly because of the emotional damage his drinking did to my children.
Things are much better for me (and for him) since it happened. I know it doesn't always turn out that way, but you get to a point where anything is better than what is............and you make a change.
I'm not encouraging anyone to make a rash decision, but sometimes we stay stuck way too long.
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Originally Posted by cupowater
I think sometimes it's not so black and white. Probably none of us would be here if we could just pick up and go. Its hard when you want and have hope for the relationship you once had or had planned to have, to just leave it. Especially when there are children involved.
cup, your children are not babies, they are adults. You are hanging on to what is comfortable, not because you have hope for a relationship that is long gone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
Advice...
Easy to give, but only you will know in your heart when you're sick & tired of living this way and are ready to make the necessary changes to get yourself out of this situation.
The advice of Alanon gave me a great amount of comfort. The knowledge that I couldn't cure, didn't cause, and couldn't control my exAH's use.
The only person's recovery that I was responsible for was my own.
We had been using partners, drug buddies...however when I came into the program of NA...he didn't.
My dad was an abusive alcoholic...
My ex was not abusive... but it wasn't good for the kids to witness our marriage falling apart.
We were married for 25 years...and seperated when the kids were 14 & 17, after I'd beeen in recovery for about a year & a half...
He remarried 3 months after the divorce, which was a relief for me but very disturbing for the kids.
Although I don't ask...the kids tell me that the new wife and he drink every night until they pass out.
The insanity continues, however it's not in my living room 24/7.
I hope to teach my children that love and respect are important...
and that drinking and drugging are not effective ways to deal with disapointments in life.
In my case I decided that "staying married for the sake of the kids"...was no longer the right decision...
as I didn't want them to grow up thinking that it's ok to live in an unhappy, miserable situation.
However, ultimately, this is your decision...
This is your life...
and I was great at minimizing the bad stuff, like "well, at least he doesn't beat me and go out sleeping with other women"...
Easy to give, but only you will know in your heart when you're sick & tired of living this way and are ready to make the necessary changes to get yourself out of this situation.
The advice of Alanon gave me a great amount of comfort. The knowledge that I couldn't cure, didn't cause, and couldn't control my exAH's use.
The only person's recovery that I was responsible for was my own.
We had been using partners, drug buddies...however when I came into the program of NA...he didn't.
My dad was an abusive alcoholic...
My ex was not abusive... but it wasn't good for the kids to witness our marriage falling apart.
We were married for 25 years...and seperated when the kids were 14 & 17, after I'd beeen in recovery for about a year & a half...
He remarried 3 months after the divorce, which was a relief for me but very disturbing for the kids.
Although I don't ask...the kids tell me that the new wife and he drink every night until they pass out.
The insanity continues, however it's not in my living room 24/7.
I hope to teach my children that love and respect are important...
and that drinking and drugging are not effective ways to deal with disapointments in life.
In my case I decided that "staying married for the sake of the kids"...was no longer the right decision...
as I didn't want them to grow up thinking that it's ok to live in an unhappy, miserable situation.
However, ultimately, this is your decision...
This is your life...
and I was great at minimizing the bad stuff, like "well, at least he doesn't beat me and go out sleeping with other women"...
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