katima

I have had the nagging thought for many years that I had a problem with addictive behaviour. Many times as far back as a teenager I seemed to always go a little further than everyone else...frequent vomiting/blackouts/promiscuous episodes. Fast fwd to years later and here I am 40 yrs old and am now faced with having to face that maybe this really is a problem and isn't going to go away. Mostly no one knows about my issues. They have involved drugs, sexual activity and alcohol. The drugs were prescription drugs...sleeping pills, oxycontin, oxycocet....I did beat these on my own but didn't come off as easily as everyone thought I did....just hid it well. Even though I haven't had a pill in 3 years I still keep the extras just in case. Alcohol has always caused problems for me. I don't drink during the week but on the weekends I usually way overdo it. I ended up in a bad situation a few years ago and got involved in making out with someone. My husband and I then separated and then got back together. He thinks I drink often but am not an alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink in 6 years and was raised by an alcoholic and has an idea of what an alcoholic looks like. Why then did I get so drunk on the weekend that I ended up in a bad situation with a husband's friend??? Why have I spent the last couple of days so filled with remorse that I can hardly breathe my stomach hurts so much?? I actually called to make an appt at an addiction centre today. I can't imagine giving up alcohol simply because it tends to be the social centre around all that I do. Will I lose my friends? How can I go to a wine tasting party or martini party without the wine or martini? I am really lost. I believe I have a problem but no one else around me does. I am in a position of responsibility in a small town....I am scared....really scared. I am also rambling.

Chy

Hi and welcome!

I think I have a pretty good idea of how your feeling. That guilt and remorse is very disabling. If drinking is the problem then you have to decide what to do. I was terribly afraid of sobriety as I to didn't know how I was to function without the little vise of mine. I was an isolated drinker to and no one knew except my immediate family how much of a problem I had with it. We all get to the point where we know our problems are because of drinking and it's a huge fear to do the next thing by quitting.

What your feeling will eventually fade, not go away, but the intensity will fade until you hit that next time and you look at the bottle and go "should I or shouldn't I". Tough choice for us but just know there are many people out there just like you. Your here because your drinking concerns you. Your in the dark place with it and your at odds what to do over it right? On one hand you feel "I'm not that bad..." on the other you wish you could go the weekend without and get up refreshed without a hangover but usually opt for that "last hurrah". I assure you with all my heart there is nothing to fear in quitting. More people don't drink then there are that drink like us.

You will find a lot of support should you decide to quit. You will learn to restructure your routine and habits should you quit. You will learn you never have to feel guilt over drinking again...that in itself is a blessing. I wish you well on your journey to decide, it's not easy at all, but neither is living with the emotions your dealing with now. You never have to drink again and can be okay in not doing so if you want. The choice is yours.. is drinking a problem? You have your own answer and must make your own decision. We understand more then you know.

2dayzmuse

Welcome,

You have to make some decisions. What is more important to you, drinking or waking up with a clear head every morning. I made some pretty bad choices while drinking. When I finally made my mind up that I was ready to give up alcohol for good, I had lost way to much. I had lost my pride, my self-esteem, my job, my soul, just to name a few. Quit before you sacrifice more then you ever imagined you would. There is help and a solution.

Anna

Hi Katima,

I understand the guilt and remorse you are feeling. I will never forget the way I felt and the horrible shame of what I was doing, and thought I was hiding from everyone. You do have tough choices to make but when you stop drinking and stop being plagued by the obsessive thoughts of addiction, you will find that your life will change and improve so much. I spent three years drinking or thinking about it all the time. When that burden liften from me, it was like a whole new world opened up. And, yes, you might have to change friends and you might never go to a wine-tasting party again. Many of us have had to make major changes. But, I can tell you that it is so worth it. I live my life and I am happy. I hope you keep posting because there is lots of support here.

CarolD

Welcome to SR!....

I certainly hope you find your way into sobriety.
It is an awesome way to live.

Done_With_It

Hi Katima!

I don't have anything more to add, you've got some great advice, but I just wanted to welcome ya!!!

I'm glad you are here!

katima

Thanks for the responses to my original post. They were valuable and appreciated. One statement really stuck in my head for the past day....I had said that I was walking around filled with remorse and hardly able to breathe...the responder said that I would soon feel better about the situation and then be faced with the "should I or shouldn't I" again. That really stuck with me because I have done that for 25 years. Gotten so drunk that my behaviour mortified me and sworn to never drink again and then done it again. I don't want to wake up hung over anymore. I can't figure out what is wrong with me. I have a good life....and the part of me that the world sees is a good person, good mom, good friend etc. Part the part of me that lives inside is lonely and restless and always wondering what people would think if they really knew what I was like. I made the call today to an addiction service. The lady told me they do group intake and the next one was in two weeks. I told her thanks but I wouldn't be able to do that. I can't do a group thing....I teach at the only highschool in town....today it took every bit of courage I had to make the call......I know that eventually I will be found out and I will deal with it then....but not today.
Luckily another woman from that organization called back a bit later and said that in some cases they will start with individual counselling. I have an appointment next Monday at 2:30. She was so kind. She told me 2:30 was a good time because then we could talk straight through till they closed at 4:30. I thought counselling came in 55 minute increments. I told her that everyone I knew would be surprised that I was making this call. She told me it wasn't about everyone else it was up to me....and I was the one to determine if I needed help not everyone else. I appreciated that...made me feel better somehow. I am scared to death. Scared that I will lose everything....but more scared that if I don't do something I will lose everything. Someone else told me that I had to do something now before I lost everything. So far I still have my marriage, family, job, and friends...that's everything to me....and maybe this will help me keep it. There are going to be some rough spots....I am not sure if I will tell people but I am sure they will figure it out. Me - master party giver - not partying anymore. I should have been better at controlling this. I counsel students in trauma situations....teach high risk behavioural students....why can I help them can can't do a damn thing to help myself. Also...why can't I just shut up...ramble ramble ramble.....how annoying I must sound. I can't stop crying. I am really on the edge. I can't see ever feeling better.

Chy

We are more alike then you know. I'm also a high school teacher and after reading your post above it brought me right back to how I felt the day I realized I had to do something. I am happy you found something that you will think will be helpful. If your decison is to quit it's normal to go in a wild frenzy of emotions.. in fact expect it. Yes, I to had to do something before I lost everything and knew that despite the job, family, the only way to be happy was to have my own little party, regularly.

Don't worry about the future and what it holds and how you'll explain away your sobriety. Frankly it's nobody's business... but I used "well I spent the first 42 years of my life partying like a wild child I thought I'd try to get fit and healthy the later half of my life....and I feel great!"

You'll often here we do do this one day at a time...don't EVEN try to look beyond that or it will make ya nuts... pm me if you like.

CarolD

It's super to see you are taking action..
For understanding alcoholism...I recommend...

"Under The influence"
and it's sequel
"Beyond The Influence"

are books are carried by Amazon

Anna

I'm glad you took that step Katima and I'm glad the situation will work for you in a way that you're comfortable with. I know how you feel that people will find out, but this is not the right moment for that. I remember when I stopped drinking that I knew what I could cope with at the moment and what would have to wait. The main thing is that you are taking positive steps!

c'est la vie

Kitima,
I wanted to let you know that I was hanging by every word of your ramble ramble ramble so please keep rambling. I relate to you and can't give advice since I'm too close to where you are. I hope things go well with your 121.

Smyle

Chy I should have guessed you were a teacher...you always give the best advice for new members... Good for you kat for making that appointment. Like Miss Anna said taking positive steps. I really like my individual therapist and this site has been amazing. I rambled sooo much when I started on my road to sobriety. GET IT OUT let yourself feel for once....tell your story and don't be afraid. We will always be here to listen and to help you through the hard times and share your good times too. Just hang in there and may you find the peace you are seeking. ~~~ Beezy

Justme57

the part of me that lives inside is lonely and restless and always wondering what people would think if they really knew what I was like

I used to spend all my life thinking this about me, and when I added alcohol to the mix, i was up and away!

Katima, I know exactly what you are feeling, and it is horrible! It will get better, if you put down the drink, believe me. I drank like you for 37 years, and now I have 2 1/2 years sobriety, and it is wonderful! The freedom is amazing!

I am so glad you have organised a counselling appointment, let us know how you go, we care, and you are no longer alone

I wish you well in your recovery journey

HUGX
Lee

Smyle

Oh and Chy I guess what I said kind of sounds like you only give good advice to new members....what I meant was you always give good advice.....Thank you for that!!!!