minnie

Hi guys!!!

As I suggested a while ago that we could post about out meeting topics and have singularly failed to do so, I thought I'd make some amends by doing just that. I am sharing on this topic on Tuesday evening and thought it might be a good one for the board.

What is enabling? I see it as doing something for another that they could or should be doing for themselves. In drinking terms, I also see it as creating a situation where a dysfunctional lifestyle can continue and even flourish. Not allowing a person to experience the consequences of their actions is truly a theft - of learning and growth.

Did I do it? You bet. In fact, I did it long before I ever got involved with an alcoholic. Another of my control things, I'm afraid. I would do it because I thought my way was best, because I didn't think they could do it well enough, because I couldn't bear to see someone else make mistakes or fall on their face. After I started seeing R, I would enable him to maintain the facade that all was well in his life and that everything was hunky-dory. I did it because I was scared of the truth.

What did I do? Anything and everything.

I would buy him booze, directly or indirectly. By that I mean that I would sometimes physically buy it, but I would also bail him out of financial situations which meant that he had enough money so HE could buy it. Which in my book is as good as putting it in the shopping trolley myself.

I would go to the pub with him. Frequently. Like it was the most normal thing in the world to stop off for a "swift half" on the way home from work.

I would cover up to friends and family. I would make excuses for his financial mess, his erratic behaviour, his lack of friends. I created an excuse for every single thing that was screwed up in his world.

I would take the bottles to the recycling bin. At the time, I thought it was just on of the household chores. Now I see that it was all about getting rid of the evidence so neither one of us would be reminded of it.

I would organise for him to see his son. I would even pay for the flights. When I was with R, he would see his son every 6 weeks or so (which I still didn't think was enough). After I left, the last I heard he hadn't seen him in 6 months.

I took control of his finances so that the creditors wouldn't come after him. I did the spreadsheets, the research, the budgeting and just told him what he should do.

I kept quiet. I didn't tell him how much this was affecting me.

All of those things (and many more) enabled R to ignore the reality of his situation. I propped him up and didn't allow a chance for him to hit bottom and see reality.

How did I stop enabling? Hmm. I think it was a combination of things. Learning to detach certainly allowed me to see things for what they are rather than what I hoped they might be. But the biggest impact came when I finally understood that all I was doing was keeping him from the very thing that would get him some real help - his bottom. Learning that he would never seek help unless he was hurting caused a major shift in my thinking and everything else flowed from that. I couldn't think about my "helping" in the same way again.

For the record, he didn't get help when I stopped enabling. He just found another enabler. But at least I wasn't the one preventing him hitting bottom any longer.

So what about you? What do/did you do? And what do you do now?

LaTeeDa

I did a lot of the same things, but I think the biggest enabling behavior for me was my anger. I got so angry and was so hurtful toward him. What I didn't realize at the time, and only recently came to terms with, is that my behavior actually gave him an "excuse" to drink.

And, like you, I finally came to understand that I was not only preventing him from accepting his problem and doing something about it, I was helping him to continue.

My husband is now on the road to recovery, but he never would have found it if I hadn't gotten out of his way.

L

marmee

I am very new to all of this and have a few questions. There seems to be such a fine line between enabling my AH and doing things that might actually protect others or himself. Example: If I hide the car keys am I enabling him or protecting other people that are on the road? I don't know where the line is. Also, I've read a lot about detachment. What exactly is this and is it something you can do while living in the same house? Thanks in advance...I have a lot to learn.

StandingStrong

Here's a great thread on the subject of enabling, you might want to check it out.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

megamysterioso

Wow Minnie and thanks for sharing!! I could have written that myself seriously. I too cleaned up my AH's credit history and got him re-established in the world of credit. I've managed all the finances and even though he DOES NOT make enough money pay his share of the bills AND to drink/drug the way that he does, I ALLOWED him to use my money to fund his habits. I too have picked up his beer on the way home from MY job (since he does not drive). I have taken him to go get it. I pick up from the grocery when I'm there shopping for ME b/c "it's cheaper."

I've made excuses for him too- not only to protect his reputation, but mine as well. "Why isn't your husband at the Christmas party???" "Oh he's sick today or had a long work day," never ever- "he's too hungover to come" or "you don't have enough booze here for him." I've even lied and told people that my windshield was broken by "hail".

What you said up there is what changed for me. I started to realize that me stepping out of the way would not only make MY life better, but it would allow him to either grow or fall on his own. That's the only certain way I can look at it that makes me feel comfort that I am doing the right thing by leaving.

Jazzman

When M and I stared dating (again) things were going great and we were talking about marriage. She had been working full time after her separation then divorce, raising her children almost alone, by all external signs doing a fine job at life as a single Mother. Seemingly due to her dead beat ex not paying child support and alimony, her financial circumstances took a nose dive quickly. I invited M and her children to move in w/ the boys & myself when she was two months away from being evicted. I wonder if I would have been so quick to rescue if she could have continued to stand on her own? I did feel as though plans were rushed before I really felt ready, but I still did it anyway.

After we were married M had run into some tax problems AND legal problems due to lack of a brain on the part of her ex. (long story there) I of course jumped right in and did all the research and wrote all the letters and made most of the calls to the IRS on her behalf as well as the law firm representing her old homeowners association. M should have been able to do that for herself... IMO.

Funny thing is I did very little enabling when it came to the drinking problem save for a few times I made excuses for her. Or avoiding work related get togethers for fear of her drinking too much. When things got bad I had no problem letting her face the consequences of her drinking. I would say I detached with resolve! I really feel my detaching had a lot to do w/ her checking into rehab...sooner rather than later.

I wonder why I did the biggy rescuing stuff?
I need to figure that out.

StandingStrong

Hmmm....after nearing the 18 year mark of our marriage, what haven't I done?

I've bailed him out of financial messes more times than I can count. (This even includes borrowing money from family members when I wasn't working due to having a new baby)

I've tried to smooth over the hurtful things that ah has done, not done, and said to our children to keep his relationship with them salvageable.

I've withdrawn from my friends and family members - and anyone else we knew so that no one would know what was really going on. Which in essence was hiding the truth for him.

I've repeatedly told him, coached him, and flat out begged him to do things that I deemed the correct thing to do - whether it be financial, personal, etc. In other words, tried to make him a better/different person.

I've lied about various things to cover up for AH.

I've called a few times (in the earlier years of our marriage) and called him off of work claiming he was sick with the flu or whatever.

I've handed him waaaayyyyy too many of my paychecks and allowed him to do our financial stuff - when he repeatedly proved that he was not good with money. Hence; giving him my paycheck so his life continued on it's selfish spiral.

The kids and I have went without things we truly needed because I knew we didn't have the money for things - though he had the money for his activities, his drinking, etc. so I allowed him to always be the center of the household and always more important than the rest of us.

I made threats early on in our marriage that I never carried through - which enabled him to keep on doing what he was doing.

I altered the truth (as well as lied) to make it appear that things weren't really as bad as they were. Not only out of my own embarrassment, but to protect him.

Geez....this list could go on and on. And I'm embarrassed to even post some of the things that I've done. And haven't done. That enabled him. Even when we were seperated.
But always, the enabling here seemed to be my protecting him from others, my defending him, my covering for him in some way, my bailing him out of whatever mess he'd gotten into whether it be financial or personal, and always making him the most important person in my life - even above my children and myself. He was everything to me - I proved it and he knew it! And those things as well as more, enabled him to continue on his path.

Currently, Ah has new enablers (his parents). And I have little to no contact with him. I no longer lie, alter the truth, or cover for him with the kids. I no longer pay his bills or let him off financially (Our child support hearing is next month) and I no longer allow him to degrade me with verbal abuse, mind games, etc. I no longer make excuses for him when others give their opinion - which I used to continuously stick up for him. And I no longer allow myself to be "sucked in" to the lies, the promises, etc.
Life is different now. For both of us.

doubletime

Thanks again Minnie for sharing, this is what helps us grow. It is amazing what we will do for our A's, and afterwards wonder what in the world were we thinking. StandingStrong I could use your post as mine, we are all in the same boat in a lot of ways.

Thanks to all for sharing!



Doubletime

chrisea

I also so did these many things, (helped with the business, the past child support, driving to classes, meetings, fines, etc... he actually was free for a few months...) lots of $$$ & for what??? (well at one time, I had hoped for a good life with, but seeing that... oh well)
xabf doesn't have an enabler these days or he might be out on bond/house arrest... My overcoming enabling happened about the time of his 2nd & 3rd Dui... I'm not the woman for him, he needs someone with more resources than me... lol

deettah

I was the same as LTD. It was my angery, my punishing, unrelenting, inforgiving, degrading, hurtful anger. And it was bad. I made sure he knew I was pissed and then I would shut him out. Ignore him, not listen or invalidate his feelings which onle made him feel worse. I am learning to shut my trap and listen or not let it affect me. It is a difficult process but a worth while one.

LaTeeDa

It's up in the stickies. Maybe it got re-indexed since 2006 or something.

Try this

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

L