Relationship Struggles

Old 05-06-2006, 07:22 AM
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Relationship Struggles

When I first came to SR I began posting on the Women's forum, feeling safer in an all-women context. So most of my reaching-out posts have been there or on the AOCA forum. I thought I'd post this thread here as well that I made yesterday in WIR -- would love any feedback with this codie issue.

Thanks!

gf
__________________________________________________ __________________

I'm really struggling with managing my expectations around money and practical issues in my relationship with my partner of the past 2+ years. I'm afraid I've adopted the role of practical one, and know that my fear about his past work challenges are interfering with my ability to be the loving and supportive partner I want to be.

Damnit I hate my fear. But I've been taken advantage of an incredible amount in the past by other men. My first husband turned into a deadbeat financially and I took on the financial lion's share of raising my kids. I supported an out-of-work bf who turned out to be a coke addict and stole more than $10,000 from me to support his habit. And I've worked my a** off to support my 3 children in a profession that is not only incredibly demanding, but not my first choice, in order to be responsible and provide. Me? Resentful? Unfortunately, yes-- and I'm working on it a lot in therapy. However....

Fast forward to the present. My partner was terribly abused both physically and sexually as a child. He has been through lots of treatment and recovery, but still suffers tremendously from PTSD and memories. Sometimes it's dibilitating, and I have such compassion for him, and I have just held him lots of times and loved him through difficult episodes and been there with whatever I have to give. He is also an incredible person, with enormous gifts, and an awful lot to give and tremendous love. I love our time together and his company. And he has supported me incredibly through some of my worst times and has really stepped up in my household with my kids in so many ways. Add to this we're working through a country change -- he has moved to Canada from the U.S. for us to be together. We're engaged and haven't yet set a firm date for marriage. And very simply, I love him very, very much and appreciate so much about him. But....I get scared.

A month ago he quit a job he had taken here in Canada that turned out to be incredibly toxic and difficult. For more than 6 months he was making a very healthy income and shared it freely while at the same time starting to clear up considerable debt he has. We have a joint bank account and have treated our money very openly. I completely supported him leaving this job because it was so very unhealthy, for him, and so many others there. I couldn't see him suffer anymore. Now he has other leads and things in the offing now, but nothing concrete yet that's materialized into money -- and here's the thing.

He's one of these people who have been in both desperate financial times as well as very good financial times. He's one of these people with an incredible brain and tremendous ideas popping out everywhere which turned into great things sometimes, with a lot of entrepreneurial smarts -- but his business or practical sense seems to sometimes be lacking, corraling the ideas, looking at what's practical and feasible and scheduling time appropriately. Add to this he sometimes gets caught in an emotional vortex because of PTSD and his past trauma. And I end up judging and watching now as the weeks begin to go by. I'm looking at how he's spending his time, wondering if he's making sound decisions about where he's going to put his efforts, second-guessing if he's thought through things enough, evaluating his ability to spread a wide net and multi-task. If he's having a difficult time emotionally, I end up fearing if he's able to put in the grunt work of day in and day out work with the discipline of working on his own.

On the one hand I feel like a complete witch -- I know I'm being a joy-stealer as he is developing leads and ideas. I'm there quickly to poke holes and question what's realistic. On the other hand, I'm afraid. I've seen him get bogged down before and weeks and months go by. And so my fear comes out. And then I feel awful and defensive all at the same time.

Add to this I've been on short-term-disability myself for a bum back, am fearful about going back to work, and want like anything to find new work for myself when I do return, and am as well planning my own career change.

I know at the bottom of this I just want to be able to rely on someone, to have someone take care of me so I can forget all my financial worries. Not very realistic, I know, or partnerly.

Yikes,

Thanks for letting me just vent here,

gf
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Old 05-06-2006, 09:01 AM
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Hey there gf,

Sounds like you two have a huge load of stress on your hands. I dunno 'bout you, but I'd be feeling overwhelmed.

Yours truly comes from a toxic family. I was abused and tortured, raped and beaten. Went thru the PTSD and grief counseling and ACoA and all that stuff. The physical injuries have left scars, but the emotional ones are now just distant echoes. The description you gave of your bf sounds a lot like me some years ago, and a lot like my kid brother. Here's a few things I went thru that might be of use to you.

My emotional development from childhood into adulthood was inconsistent. Some areas such as skills in raising children were over-excercised because I was the only "adult" in the family, and had to raise my younger brother. Other areas received no excercise at all, such as developing trust and friendships, because we had almost no contact with the outside world. I entered the "real world" as "over responsible" in some areas and completely inept in others. It took a lot of time and practice to figure out things like navigating toxic jobs, learning to have a new job in place before quiting the old one, managing incompetent bosses, avoiding office politics, etc.

In addition to being "challenged" in the area of workplace skills I also came out without having had a childhood. I never had the chance to play, to dream, to fantasize. In turn that made it difficult for me to keep my "play time" within the bounds of reality. I would stay up all night pursuing some silly pastime and forget that I had to go to work the next day. I would get grandiose schemes and actually try to carry them out, much like a 5 yr old trying to build a life-size castle out of a single bucket of sand.

I had to learn as an adult all the lessons a healthy person learns as a child.

I've known many friends with similar backgrounds who never did learn those lessons. Some of them quite brilliant in technical areas, but completely incapable of balancing a checkbook. Sometimes we get mis-diagnosed as having Asperger's syndrome because it's usually the social skills that are the most impaired.

Here's a few questions for ya. What are you doing to reduce _your_ stress? Attending real life meets? A good sponsor? Spreading out any major changes in your life? You say your planning to go back to work _and_ change careers. Is it stresful to do both so close together? Would it be easier to do one first, get back in the "rhythm" and later on change careers? Have you discussed your fears with your bf?

Originally Posted by GettingFree
...I know at the bottom of this I just want to be able to rely on someone, to have someone take care of me so I can forget all my financial worries. Not very realistic, I know, or partnerly....
Yup, I agree, winning the lottery would be great That may be something you can include in a "mini-fourth step" with your sponsor. Are you just day dreaming? or are you still wrestling with some echoes of your own toxic childhood?

Whadya think?

Mike
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Old 05-06-2006, 09:55 AM
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hey there gf:

I've been unemployed for 5 months now and it was a difficult few months for me in the beginning until I let go of my fears of financial insecurity.

I have savings and other ways to support myself (retirement) but I guess one of my lessons I had to learn is that my HP will always provide for me...

I'd say that my bf L has been 95% supportive walking me through this (and of course my sponsor has been 100%).

I've always been financially self sufficent since I was in my early 20's...I pride myself on being independent. It's hard for me to ask for help.

Even with savings I didn't expect it to be such a blow to my ego...

Only 1 time did I have to have a discussion with L about not being supportive..In general he has not said anything other then that if needed he will support me..I didn't want him to do that.

Otherwise I'm so grateful that he let me struggle and just told me how much he loved me and believed in me...

it helped so much.

I still have some struggles with my financial fears ahead because in the next few years I want to switch careers and will take a huge paycut..but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

So just for today I work my program and let my HP sort everything out.

As you may have seen from my other posts - I've had 4 different interviews this week so I'm sure I'll be working soon.

And I'm not even out of savings.
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Old 05-06-2006, 04:55 PM
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Hi Mike,

Thank you for sharing some of how your own past abuse impacted your development. It is really helpful to see it through someone else's experience and the similarities to the challenges my partner faces. Yes, you're right, some skills are overdeveloped and some under (as is the case with myself too, just different). I especially reacted to the whole idea of not having had a childhood and a chance to play or dream -- I can see several ways this impacts my partner's experience of the world today. It's something he has talked about quite a bit, but your description can help me see its direct connection to some things.

I've spent the last 24 hours doing a lot of thinking about this and it seems that the universe is continuing to present me with the challenge of learning to let go of fear and learn to trust. I know this is one of my biggest challenges. One of the ways I learned to function as a result of not being able to manage so much of the stuff that happened to me as a child was becoming an over-planner and over-functioner in many areas as an adult. Well, that paired with its opposite at times, reckless risk-taking -- neither of which have much to do with a calm sense of non-doing and trust that things will unfold just as they should.

As I said in the WIR forum in response to this issue, I think that I believe that if I could neatly check off the box that says "Financially and workwise responsible" next to my partner, I'd stop worrying and could relax. But life is not like that. People are not like that. I am not like that. People aren't a list of check-boxes, and in all of us, we have strengths and weaknesses, and we are a work in progress. The lesson here is definitely about practicing letting go and trusting in the universe.

As to the stress you talked about -- yup, lots of it. As you probably could guess, I need to apply the same learnings about letting go and trust to my own stuff that is on my plate. I cycle a lot between a state of worry, anxiety, planning, action, letting go, trusting all will be alright, and back again. I've been practicing being in the moment more -- trying to meditate regularly (I took a mindfulness mediation course that ended about a month ago) and doing my daily pilates exercises for my back.

Most of this stress is about work. I've never been in a work environment as toxic as my present employment and returning there when my disability is over would be very unhealthy for me, emotionally and physically. (This actually is the same work environment my partner recently left, as have 2 other colleagues recently).

My hope is to have something alternate to go to at that time, but in the same field -- I'm not planning a career change immediately. Rather, I'm beginning the ground work of being able to change careers by starting training, with the understanding it will probably take a couple of years to be able to really put my attention to it full time and give up my current work. I wish I could have had this time off work to only concentrate on my healing without the backdrop of worrying about resumes, talking with headhunters, etc. And sometimes -- in terms of letting go -- I think perhaps I should have put it all aside completely and just hope that when I go back, something will materialize. I'm still struggling with my 'over-planning'.

Thanks again Mike for the input -- it helps.

gf
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Old 05-06-2006, 05:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Minx1969
I guess one of my lessons I had to learn is that my HP will always provide for me...
Hi Minx,

As I wrote about in my response to Mike, this is a huge challenge for me. I have always believed that anything that happens will happen because I make it happen, because of time and effort I put in. I've always been very resourceful and proactive -- it's one of my strengths. But throughout my recovery, I'm seeing how much of a liability it has been as well.

It's created a state of being in which I believe I need to be always doing something to fix a situation, plan for the challenges in front of me, figure stuff out. And that makes for a very busy mind, with lots of relentless chatter, and not a lot of serenity.

And so, I keep practicing. I can see improvement and steps inching towards a calmer acceptance and trust. I'm still in a tug-of-war stage, but I see that there may be just a little opening there at then end of the tunnel! I'm trying to give myself compassion when I get frustrated with my slow progress -- I've had a lot of years of practice doing anything but trusting.

Originally Posted by Minx1969
Otherwise I'm so grateful that he let me struggle and just told me how much he loved me and believed in me...
Reading these words underscores what I know in my head to be so true -- that in regards to my partner, the most loving thing is to give him my love and support and belief in him. I KNOW this is true. At the same time, I've got this judgemental shadow sitting in a corner of my brain watching what he's doing. It's ugly, I know. And I hope after the last 24 hours and a lot of reflection on this, that voice will get quieter. I know it's all fear-based. And so that is what I pledge to work on. Getting a handle on that fear, and learning to trust.

And hey -- congrats on the job offers. That's awesome!

Regarding work for myself, in addition to looking at switching jobs, I'm seriously looking at the option of going freelance in my profession. For a fear-based person, talk about alarms going off. I'm really looking at this though, as there have been some developments to suggest this may be a workable solution. But it scares the s**t out of someone who has mostly relied on a regular paycheck and three big kids who depend on it!

Thanks Minx,

gf
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Old 05-06-2006, 05:53 PM
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Heya gf,

I love these questions that you pose. Helps me take another look at myself and where I'm heading in my own recovery.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... One of the ways I learned to function as a result of not being able to manage so much of the stuff that happened to me as a child was becoming an over-planner and over-functioner in many areas as an adult. Well, that paired with its opposite at times, reckless risk-taking -- ...
You just described me perfectly Let me take a bit of a guess here. Isn't that also a perfect job description of what you do for a living? It certainly was for me, until my recent retirement.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... a calm sense of non-doing and trust that things will unfold just as they should. ...
That's not quite the way it works for me. I trust that my life will unfold as it _will_. There is much in the world over which I have no control, and that brings up all my childhood fears of my abusive parents. What I have come to realize is that what I _do_ have control over is my _reaction_ to the challenges of life. I trust that no matter what life throws at me _I_ will be able to maintain a positive attitude, adapt to the challenge and remain a positive example of life well lived. As long as I maintain the "spiritual condition" that my HP has provided for me thru the program of recovery I will survive and overcome.

My sense of "non-doing" is only as a part of the Serenity Prayer. Some things in life do require all of my planning and directing skills, other things are best left alone. It is thru the program that I learn from others the wisdon to know which is which.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I cycle a lot between a state of worry, anxiety, planning, action, letting go, trusting all will be alright, and back again....
Gee, what a coincidence. Before my dad would come home drunk I would be filled with worry and anxiety, upon his arrival I would enact my plan of action. After the beating or the rape i would hope and trust that it would never happen again. Then I'd repeat the cycle again the next time. It's the same cycle most of us children of toxic families were raised in.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I've never been in a work environment as toxic as my present employment and returning there when my disability is over would be very unhealthy for me...
Sounds to me like your short and long term plans are just fine. There's no shortage of positions for people who are good at planning and directing, your dumping the current employer sounds like a real good idea.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I think perhaps I should have put it all aside ...
Now you _really_ sound like me. You're planning how much planning you should do May I suggest you not be so hard on yourself? Give yourself a break? Somewhere inside of me there's a little boy who's had one heckuva rough life. He needs some time to just unwind and _not_ worry about all the stuff in the world. A little bit of shelter from reality. What he does _not_ need is for me to be critical of him, I'm supposed to be his number one supporter.

gf, me thinks you're going to be just fine.

Mike
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Old 05-07-2006, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Let me take a bit of a guess here. Isn't that also a perfect job description of what you do for a living? It certainly was for me, until my recent retirement.
Uh, yeah, I suppose it is. Are you suggesting this is an indicator I'm in the wrong profession (like I needed another one! )

Originally Posted by DesertEyes
I trust that my life will unfold as it _will_. As long as I maintain the "spiritual condition" that my HP has provided for me thru the program of recovery I will survive and overcome.
I can see the difference here. As I said in my post to Minx, that trust in a HP still remains challenged. Sigh.

Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Some things in life do require all of my planning and directing skills, other things are best left alone. It is thru the program that I learn from others the wisdon to know which is which.
Sigh again. I get confused often with this. I suppose it's the process of relearning. Sometimes I just don't know if I'm doing too much and busying myself with something when I should be letting go, sometimes I don't know if I shouldn't be doing more and develop a better plan of action when I'm giving myself permission to be in the moment. I know, I know, it sounds pretty confused. I remember this feeling of confusion as a child when my thinking would go round and round and I'd end up with one simple question -- "What should I think???".



Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Gee, what a coincidence. Before my dad would come home drunk I would be filled with worry and anxiety, upon his arrival I would enact my plan of action. After the beating or the rape i would hope and trust that it would never happen again. Then I'd repeat the cycle again the next time. It's the same cycle most of us children of toxic families were raised in.
Yes, I have compassion for how I came by this pattern. Now I just want it to stop. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice!

Originally Posted by DesertEyes
There's no shortage of positions for people who are good at planning and directing.
This is where fear comes in. By dint of being in an aspect of a small industry at a senior level, the openings are few and far between it seems. I just have to trust something will emerge that is the right fit. The fear is that I may still have to return to the toxic setting that was hurting me so much while I continue to look. I suppose it's a face it when it happens scenario.


Originally Posted by DesertEyes
What he does _not_ need is for me to be critical of him, I'm supposed to be his number one supporter.
I've always expected more from myself. I've always thought if I'm unhappy, there must be something different I can be doing. It's really hard to not be analyzing in this way -- and then I cycle to compassion, recognize the antecedents to all this, how the pattern all makes sense -- and then back to the other. I'm trying. How many more stops till the subway gets to Enlightenment??

Originally Posted by DesertEyes
I had to learn as an adult all the lessons a healthy person learns as a child.
I woke up this morning with another blast of anxiety about my partner. I suppose I wonder, "Can he learn this? Will all be alright? Or is he maybe stuck in an earlier place because of all that occurred in his life?" I truly hate this anxiety inside me and want a place of trust and peace. I suppose it's all about noticing change, celebrating steps forward, and saying "NO" to the negative thought patterns.

still chugging,

thanks again mike,
gf
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Old 05-08-2006, 05:31 AM
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I am feeling in a better place. My partner and I had a great talk about my anxiety yesterday. I have messed up in the past so much, and been so vulnerable financially in the past to others, that I am terrified of either of us making a misstep.

After several weeks of research, he has now committed to an endeavor with a start-up company that he believes can show significant financial return. It will not be immediate and may take 1 to 3 months to show any income.

He has offered to commit to evaluation points along the way that will enable us both to assess whether things are progressing with this as hoped for, or if a different plan is needed.

With this, I am committing to the idea that an immediate loss of his income doesn't mean we are in desparate straits (can anyone say panic?). Rather there's a line of credit we can draw on in the meantime if needed, there's equity in the home, etc.etc.. I'm getting comfortable seeing this as an investment in time and money of something that can have great returns. Or not. And trusting the right decisions will be made as we go along.

But gosh, it's hard. This very same fear has stopped me from following my heart by needing to have secure solid plans in place. Taking risks like this scares me. What a contradiction -- when I've risked so much in other areas of my life (like relationships!).

I want to learn to feel comfortable letting go of answers, outcomes, and trusting that if you follow a dream, you can get there. His, and mine.

But I still feel like I'm walking over the edge of a building, and jumping! Maybe that's part of the process?
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Old 05-08-2006, 08:23 AM
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Hey there GF,

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... Uh, yeah, I suppose it is. Are you suggesting this is an indicator I'm in the wrong profession (like I needed another one! ) ...
*lol* I am suggesting that you have a choice of letting the toxic reflexes of the past dictate your profession, or using the skills you developed as a survivor and apply them to your profession. The difference is in the attitude.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I get confused often with this. I suppose it's the process of relearning....
I have trust in _my_ ability to make a good decision as long as I have all the necesary information. When I get confused in the manner you describe it is because I lack some vital piece of information. My choice then is to recognize that I am making a partial guess, or do some more research before deciding.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... The fear is that I may still have to return to the toxic setting that was hurting me so much while I continue to look....
It won't be the same setting. _You_ are different. You have new skills with which to deal with emotions, you have a plan for both short and long term, you have new awareness of your strengths and weaknesses. You now have a much greater immunity to toxic settings.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I've always thought if I'm unhappy, there must be something different I can be doing. ...
"Doing" is the solution a child seeks. When I am unhappy I _first_ work on changing my _attitude_ towards my circumstances. I've had toxic jobs too, I first focus on being grateful that I have _any_ job and once settled in that attitude I start looking for a new one. The 12 step recovery programs work by following the three "A's" Awareness, Acceptance, Action.

Being aware that there is something unhealthy in my life has to come first. In turn that leads to identifying _what_ is wrong.

Acceptance that I am in a toxic situation, but also acceptance that I am capable of getting myself out of it.

Action, which won't happen unless my mind is settled and clear as a result of the prior two "A's".

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... My partner and I had a great talk about my anxiety yesterday. I have messed up in the past so much, and been so vulnerable financially in the past to others, that I am terrified of either of us making a misstep. ...
That's wonderful. Good for you!!!

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... This very same fear has stopped me from following my heart by needing to have secure solid plans in place. Taking risks like this scares me. ...
Risks are _supposed_ to scare you. Otherwise we would not be careful. Sounds to me like you are aware of the risks, you have accepted that you are heading in a direction with potential danger, and you have taken action to evaluate progress and keep escape routes available.

That is for your partners employment plan. How about for your own? Have you set up evaluation points for your own progress into a new career? Do you have alternative plans such as getting a temporary job?

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I want to learn to feel comfortable letting go of answers, outcomes, and trusting that if you follow a dream, you can get there. His, and mine.
But I still feel like I'm walking over the edge of a building, and jumping! Maybe that's part of the process? ...
The only way to feel comfortable jumping off a building is by wearing a parachute Here's some concrete examples.

When I have switched careers I first inventoried my needs. Then I researched the new career to see if it met my needs. Being able to meet my families financial needs was among them. I chose to transition from one career to the next in a manner that allowed me to switch back to the old career if I needed to. The answer and outcome that I needed was secure income, but since I could not guarantee that in the new career I took action to be able to fall back on the old career if needed.

I had awareness that the outcome was unpredictable, so I took action to keep a diferent, but acceptable, outcome available. The trust in my HP was that whichever outcome I got I would be able to accept and adapt to it. For me it's not about trusting my HP to give me the outcome I want, it's about trusting my HP to help me make the best of whatever outcome I get.

I have followed several dreams in life. Not all of them worked out. I trust my HP to help my find the way to reach those dreams, but it is up to me to make careful plans and make informed decisions to get there. Some dreams didn't come true, but others have.

If I choose to jump off a building, then I trust my HP to make the parachute open, the rope not snap and the big air bag at the bottom to not pop when I hit it. But _I_ pack the parachute, check the rope and fill up the air bag. And if all those fail I trust my HP to show me how to enjoy flapping my arms like a bird

Mike
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Old 05-08-2006, 09:58 AM
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Wow. Lots of good stuff in your reply Mike. And lots to consider. I kinda like recapping things for myself when I take in information, so:

1. Look at the emotions and attitudes first, deal with those, and deal with doing later, once there is clarity. (Yes, I often jump to doing as a coping mechanism to quiet the fear and panic.)

2. Have confidence in my own progress and that I am developing the skills to deal with the same situations differently.

3. Ask if I have the right information to make an informed decision.

4. Pack a parachute!

Regarding my own job stuff specifically -- you asked about getting a temporary job in order to exit the current one. I am looking at some possibilities. While not exactly kosher, I took on a freelance gig that I could do mostly from home because there is a possibility of this developing into something much bigger and ongoing. I am in the middle of this now. Everyone seems to be very happy with my work (it is sooo nice to get spontaneous complimentary and appreciative emails that have been totally absent with my current employer) -- and it's a matter of completing this assignment and seeing what will develop afterwards. They may only want a freelance arrangement though -- and that is why i am considering going freelance and and all its implications -- and yup, feeling scared. Turning it over, feeling it out.

As to career change, I'm only started the first steps by talking to others in the field and at the end of this month, I start my first training. I'm pretty aware of the timeline involved and the knowledge that I'll have to maintain my income with my current career for some time still. It will be a gradual transition when it happens. I feel pretty comfortable with the approach. And happy about it, even though there are uncertainties.

When I first registered for the training, after submitting my registration, I actually bawled my eyes out. It was totally unexpected. But I realized I was weeping for years of grief of having spent years doing something not because I loved it or it fed me spiritually or emotionally, but because I was taking care of responsibilities. This registration symbolized taking a concrete step towards saying I'm important, I matter, and what can make me happy and feel fufilled matters. It was a big moment.

thanks again mike,
gf
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:03 PM
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GF -

You know you and I are on the same career change/transition path...

I'm stressing out today because after the long (6 hour) all day interview with multiple people - I'm wondering if this is a job I want to take.

The hours would be loooonnnngggg...and that would prevent me from living my life in balance and working on my transition..

So..I'm not making any decisions today - I'm going to wait until all the interviews are over and hopefully the offers are in..and make a decision...

I feel lucky because my bf is being pretty understanding in that I am not a workaholic and don't want to be..

so time will tell.

I have another interview scheduled for tomorrow.
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:29 PM
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Hi Minx,

It sounds like your heart is already sending off some important alarm bells (or as Martha Beck would say -- your essential self!).

I have worked in an industry that expected incredible time commitments from its employees. I remember times when I'd be at the elevator at 6 or 6:30 to leave -- and I'd feel like I'm leaving early!! It's a pretty sick way to run a company, not to mention a life.

I got out of that intensity almost 2 years ago. Unfortunately, it was out of the fying pan into the fire, trading one set of problems for a whole other set. But that's another story.

All this is to say that I completely understand why you're second-guessing this position. The goal of our changing career path is to increase not only the satisfaction from the nature of our work, but the work-life balance too.

Waiting and reviewing all the options on the table now is perfect. And here's some words I should be heeding myself -- don't feel you need to panic and take any of them if none feel right.

good luck!
gf
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Old 05-08-2006, 03:59 PM
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Hey there GF,

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I often jump to doing as a coping mechanism to quiet the fear and panic....
I do that too.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... Have confidence in my own progress ...
I have confidence in your progress, it's pretty clear just from reading your posts here.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... i am considering going freelance and all its implications ...
Having been freelance many, many times I can tell you it's not anywhere near as bad as it sounds. I went back and forth from freelance to regular employee more times than I can count. Basically I would take a regular job until I could find a better freelance gig, and take a better freelance gig until I could find a better regular job. The only time I got in trouble is when I got stubborn and tried to _stay_ in one track instead of remaining flexible enough to jump either way.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I took on a freelance gig that I could do mostly from home because there is a possibility ...
Sounds like a good plan to me.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... It will be a gradual transition when it happens. I feel pretty comfortable with the approach. And happy about it, even though there are uncertainties. ...
Excellent, sounds to me like you got a parachute _and_ a spare

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... I realized I was weeping for years of grief of having spent years doing something not because I loved it or it fed me spiritually or emotionally, but because I was taking care of responsibilities. ...
Congratulations. You are a great example of what we're all suposed to do in recovery.

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... This registration symbolized taking a concrete step towards saying I'm important, I matter, and what can make me happy and feel fufilled matters. ...
You rock

Mike
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Old 05-08-2006, 06:41 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
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Thanks for all the support Mike. Nice to have as perspective for sure.

It's been an interesting day. A really interesting (emotional) session on fear in therapy. And then, within moments of walking back in the door, the phone rings. It's a colleague I had lunch with last week who was asking me if I was interested in a freelance gig she thought I would be perfect for -- she had been asked by another colleague if she knew anyone.

I have a phone call now arranged for tomorrow and am expecting an email with a description of the project, deliverables and budget prior to that. Hmm...

do you think the universe is at work here????
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Old 05-08-2006, 07:31 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
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Hey there GF,

Originally Posted by GettingFree
Thanks for all the support Mike. Nice to have as perspective for sure...
You betcha

Originally Posted by GettingFree
... do you think the universe is at work here???? ...
I think the universe works for those who work at their own recovery. You only got the call because you _earned_ it. As to _why_ the call happened to come at _exactly_ the right time, not two days ago, not next week, but immediately after walking in the door....

Some of us call those "God shots". Perhaps you can call 'em "the perfect timing of the universe"

Mike
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