Last Chance

Old 05-05-2006, 11:24 PM
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TAC
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Last Chance

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. For 14 years, he has been drunk nearly every weekend. He also suffers from Crohn's disease, seronegative spondyloarthropathy, severe depression, social anxiety, and insomnia. All of his ailments have become increasing worse over the years. The hardest thing for me to deal with is the verbal and mental abuse. Over the last 8 years I have put up a wall to for survival. We have been semi-separated for 3 weeks now. It took me leaving with my 5 y/o daughter to prove to him that I did not intend to live the rest of my life in this manner. We are now in individual and family counseling. I think it is going to be good. The scary thing is that our counselor told me that he probably wouldn't be the same person when he becomes sober and that I may not even like him. I very hopeful that won't be the case.

I was reading the post about the way a spouse becomes an eabler. I have played all of the roles at different times. He has never accepted any responsibility for the problems in our marriage that are a direct result of the alcohol abuse. He has no concept of how he has hurt me over the years. Over the years, he has also become more helpless. He seems like he can't do anything or figure anything out. He completely relies on me for virtually everything. We are both phyical therapist and have always worked together. I have had to do his job for him for the last 10 years. He takes advantage of me and manipulates me. I am angry. I feel like I have been cheated out of a normal, happy family. But I am working on my anger one day at a time. I do love my husband, it is just hidden by this wall I created to protect myself.
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Old 05-06-2006, 07:30 AM
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Over the years, he has also become more helpless. He seems like he can't do anything or figure anything out. He completely relies on me for virtually everything. We are both phyical therapist and have always worked together. I have had to do his job for him for the last 10 years. He takes advantage of me and manipulates me. I am angry. I feel like I have been cheated out of a normal, happy family.
I'm glad you're here and welcome. You have a right to be angry, but most importantly, you have the right to realize that you do not have to live this way. I think that the separation and the counseling will do you a world of good. As enablers, we make it very easy for our ASO's to "become helpless." If we refuse to no longer rescue them or protect them from the consequences of their drinking, they would have to do for themselves. That's why stepping out of the way with either detachment or leaving the situation altogether not only is beneficial for us, but beneficial for them too. Let him do for himself from now on. He will either fall flat or see it as opportunity to get the help he needs. Either way, it is truly NOT your problem or your cross to bear. You didn't cause it, cannot control and cannot cure it!! His stuff is his stuff and yours is yours. Hugs to you.
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Old 05-06-2006, 01:16 PM
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TAC, Welcome to Sober Recovery, this is the greatest site ever, however sometimes Sat and Sun are slow days for replys'. Just keep checking in,
I like everything mega above said. Yes, it is only human to be angry, to get even, to build walls etc. However leaving might be the best thing you have done for you both.

Have you read everything you can find on alcoholism ??
Read as many of the threads on here as you can. Stickies at the top and power posts. Might I ask if you have gone to Al-Anon meetings, most of us found help there along with this site. I feel we need both.

Keep coming back and always remember to take what you can use and leave the rest, but I feel the more we can learn the better life is for us. Understanding the terrible thing addiction is, at least helps us understand even if we cannnot help them.

Really hard to learn and to understand, but if we help ourselves first, and get a better outlook, it helps them too in many cases they hit bottom and start to get sober, or in some cases, we see there isn't any help.
Just remember, we did not cause it.
I am so glad you are here. BIG HUGS
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Old 05-06-2006, 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by TAC
Over the years, he has also become more helpless. He seems like he can't do anything or figure anything out. He completely relies on me for virtually everything. ... I have had to do his job for him for the last 10 years. He takes advantage of me and manipulates me. [/color][/font]
Hello Tac - welcome. You will find a great deal of help and hope here at SR.

A book that would be tremendously helpful to you is "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. You can get it from Amazon. She talks about how we co-dependents take on a huge amount of responsibility for care-taking our alcoholic loved ones and then we feel angry and victimized and unappreciated when we are treated badly by the same people we love so dearly.

Even if he gets treatment and stops drinking, you will need extensive help to mend the hurt and pain from all the years of his emotional abuse. For the sake of you, your child, and for his sake too, taking care of yourself right now is the most loving thing you could possibly do.

Keep coming back

God Bless
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