sunshine003

I had a purging of sorts. Chris and I (chris is therapist) were discussing how the relationship between ah and I started in the first place, the list of red flags I ignored and pushed aside. I spoke of the first BIG one. When I first started seeing ah again (we dated in highschool/early college), I lived about two hours from where he lived. We'd see each other every other weekend when the kids were at their dads. About six months into it, he brought up something a friend of his asked him about once he learned of us seeing each other. It was something that happened way in the past, when I was in highschool. He has his perception of how things ended between us before and I have mine....both very different of course. But, I thought we were leaving that behind us, we were teens afterall, how silly. But this night, after drinking, he called and is just P Oed over this thing that happened 13 years ago when I was 18 years old. He told me how I disgusted him and how I was the biggest mistake he had ever made AGAIN!

Well, wow, that really hurt me. I guess in hindsight, it was the beginning of the panic feeling and the hurt. The next day he called and said he was sorry that he had no right to get angry with me....I asked him if he meant what he said and he said, "in the moment, I meant it but no, I don't feel that way."

I carried that around with me and certain subjects would never engage in because I always felt a little insecure about them....thinking he was disgusted with a certain part of me.

The flood gates opened in this session. Chris spoke up and said, "He started very early testing the waters to see just how good of a codie he could mold you. You passed each test with flying colors."

I sure did. You know what else? Nothing about me is disgusting and what a terrible thing to say to someone you love ever.

We then talked about what a healthy person would have done in that situation, etc.

Talking about all that stuff was purging but I cried a lot and still feel a little raw today.

minnie

((((sunshine))))

You've got a perceptive counsellor there and I think those sessions must be really helpful, painful though they are.

I can really relate to the testing thing. R did it with me, too. Many of them I can see in the clear light of day, but some are still just suspicions and I don't dwell on them too much as I know I am unlikely to find out the truth. For example, R was still technically married when we got together (Red Flag alert!!). His wife had left him and had, in fact, cleaned the house out and left him with nothing, so he said. Was this true? Or had the bailiffs been in? Who knows? Anyway, I knew that she had turned up at work with bin liners full of his clothes at one point and as far as I was aware, it was only a matter of the time it took for the paperwork to go through the court and they would be divorced. When she found out about me, she wrote me lots of letters and was following me in my car, obviously trying to work out what was going on. Things started to go really strange and I was getting hang-up calls and some of my stuff started to go missing from his house, like toiletries and stuff. I look back now and wonder if some of that stuff was HIS doing as well as hers - create some drama and test which side of the fence I'd come down on. Well, I passed his test with flying colours.

Stick with it - these realisations will be really important in how you move on from this.

denny57

(((sunshine)))

I'm purging right along with you. This stuff is tough, but each bit that gets out makes us healthier. Hang in there. (And remember to not blame yourself :-) )

Zoey

sunshine, I had forgotten you knew him in high school, this is a long time off and on situation which I can see why you struggle with this.

Was he perhaps the reason you divorced your first husband, maybe no sparks like with this one, sometimes we love people dearly, but are not in love. Once we feel those wonderfull butterflys's in our heart, it is pretty hard to forget. That is not a reason to go back to them or to stay with them.

sunshine in my opinion, they don't know who they are, or what they think, and don't know what they want till they have been totally free of alcohol for two years.

So also just my opinion, it is best to get the divorce as soon as possible, away from it you won't have daily hurts and upsets. He may never get sober.
Then we have to realize ,if or when they get sober they sometimes leave.
SO are just in an extremely bad place, I am so sorry there are so many A's.
Hope you are feeling better, I am so glad you have SR. Just shareing helps us so very much.
LV YA HUGS

cinderellawkids

I have found my sessions were painful but I always felt lighter and relieved when I left, after a year of sessions they are not painful now unplifting and inspiring. Keep up the work.

Hugs

sunshine003

thanks ya'll.

wow minnie, mine was still married as well....albeit, filed for divorce, it dragged on due to settlement issues....or so he said, LOL. In hindsight, I believe he was playing both sides as well. I don't know for sure, never will siince I wouldn't talk to his ex BUT, I have a feeling he was seperated and going to marriage counsselling or something. He denied this to me but you hear things through the grape vine. KNowing him as I do now, I could see that he'd be the type who just couldn't tell someone it was over but wait for them to leave so he could be the victim, etc. His ex blames me for their marriage ending and I never understood that....assumed she was bitter. But, perhaps I did play a part in that.....he never told me that and as I said, to my knowledge, they were seperated and in the middle of several mediations.....who knows if that's true but your glimpse of reality brought back all that and I'm LOL!!!! what weirdos.....of course, we certainly played the red flag denial part quite well. Nothing would shock me at this point.

Clancy, he isn't the reason I divorced. BUT, who knows? maybe my ex and I would have remained together. I did start seeing ah while seperated from my ex. I had been seperated for about 6 months and we were waiting to be in the same state for six months so we could file. Emotionally, I was already divorced from him in my mind. But once I started seeing my now ah, there was no going back with my ex....who knows had I not begun to see him what would have happened.

I have learned a lot though. Like, I shoulda stayed put, LOL.....hindsight is not such a good thing sometimes.

LaTeeDa

Once, someone asked me if I liked therapy. I said "like" is not the word I would pick to describe it. Is it good? Yes, but very tough sometimes.

And hindsight is a good thing. It keeps you from making the same mistakes again.

L

megamysterioso

Wow- that is a revelation of sorts even for me. You know why this really struck a cord? My AH snuck out around 2AM or so one night while I was asleep and withdrew $100 from the bank for drugs (we barely had the $ in there) and he did NOT pick up his cell phone until about 11AM the next day! I had woken up at around 2:30AM to find no husband, no nothing and was worried sick. I was really beside myself-- very high drama that day. Of course I stayed (this was nearly 2 years ago probably) and about twice now since then, he has said to me, "you know why I did that??? I was testing you!" I said, "welp- I failed the test!!!!" I guess I passed looking at it this way LOL. How sick of ME!!!