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Old 04-30-2006, 09:05 PM
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Unhappy new here

HELLO!
I'm new here. I'm glad to have found this site. I am married to an alcoholic. We have been together for a few years.He becomes such a different person when he drinks, and is sometimes verbally abusive.That blows my mind to see how different he becomes. I know not to argue with a drunk!
He was sober for a number of years and has started again about 7 years ago on and off. If he drinks a lot one night and has a hang-over he won't drink for a week, then he'll do the same thing over again. I have talked to him about it severtal times. He gave me several apologies and then he will do it again.I know that his drinking is not "my fault" I know that logically but it still hurts. I have become "numb" and I don' t want to loose myself along with him. I know I can't fix him. I 'm getting angry at the fact that he chooses "booz" over me it is no worse than cheating with another woman as far as I am concerned. I know i should probably for to an al-anon meeting, but I'm not the one that needs the help, he does. I don't know how much longer I will put up with that. I deserve better. I have stopped talking to his sister about this, she will listen to me and say yes this is not right, but will take no initiative to help. She herself has issues with alcohol. I feel alone and tired emotionnaly.Any toughts would be appreciated.
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Old 04-30-2006, 09:27 PM
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Well, as you can now verify from your own experience, alcoholism IS a progressive disease. He isn't going to get better, he's going to get worse. Only if he makes the decision on his own to seek treatment and stick to a program will he be able to arrest his disease; unfortunately, there is no cure. All you are feeling is perfectly normal. I've walked a few miles in your shoes myself. Just take a moment to think about how much of your own energy you've expended on being mad, sad, hurt, confused, etc., etc., by someone else's addiction. He owns it, you do not.

I finally went back for the last time for just a few hours this afternoon. I wanted to get a few of my things and swim in our pool. All I got, in thelong run, is a lot of "ooooohhhh, baby you are sooooo sexy," followed by "I want a divorce" when I walked out the door. Whatever. I no longer care to put my foot in the pile of sh** of his chaotic life.

If he doesn't get better, you will reach a point where enough is enough for you. Either that, or you will become as crazy as he is if you stay. I hope things approve for you, but if they don't you will have to make a decision as to what type of life you want.

I hope things inmprove for you
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Old 04-30-2006, 09:34 PM
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thank you

Thank you prodigal!

your words help..... I see that i am not alone and that in itself is comfort to me.
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Old 04-30-2006, 09:48 PM
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No Fun, Welcome to SR, so glad you found us, this is the greatest site ever.
Read lots of the threads, read sticky's at the top and the power posts.

Please let me say, Al-Anon helps in every area of our lives, it teaches us how to find peace, stop feeling so angry and so hopeless and helpless, no matter what the alcoholic does. Really worth trying some meetings.

This might be a slow time of the day for replys, we shall see??

Keep coming back, you are not alone.
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Old 04-30-2006, 10:33 PM
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thank you!

thank you Clancy for your welcoming words. You are right I need to try Alanon.
I have been reading a few threads they are so helpful
again thank you!
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Old 05-01-2006, 04:44 AM
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I know exactly what you mean about him becoming a different person when he drinks. This is how my husband is. When he is sober....I could not ask for a better person to be married to. But when he is drinking...I don't even know him. He gets very mouthy and verbally abusive. I can't stand to be around him when he is drinking.
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Old 05-01-2006, 06:10 AM
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Hi NO FUN and welcome to SR. This is truly a great place to share and learn. Alcohol brings out the absolute worst in my AH as well. He has deep-rooted emotional issues and anger issues that gush up to the surface with a fury when drunk. Since coming here, I've realized that he has sooo many more issues other than alcoholism and addiction. The problem is however, that he will never overcome or be able to productively manage those issues so long as he seeks "treatment" in a bottle or can.

I feel for you and can only say that you are not alone here. I recently made the choice after 3 1/2 years of marriage that I can NO longer live this cycle. I am moving out of our apartment next month and we will either file for divorce right away or for legal separation for some time. I can no longer sit around and hope that one of his empty promises will someday "stick." There is really nothing that you can do for your AH other than pray. It will ultimately be up to you to decide whether or not this is something you are willing to live with. You are the only one that can make a change for your life for the better. Good luck.
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Old 05-01-2006, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by prodigal
All I got, in thelong run, is a lot of "ooooohhhh, baby you are sooooo sexy," followed by "I want a divorce" when I walked out the door.
Prodigal - I apologize up front if you mind that I laughed out loud when I read this. The insanity of it all in one short sentence. And we think we're confused!
Thanks.

nofun - I also found a lot of help in Al-Anon and hope you decide to give it a try. I haven't met anyone, including me, who hasn't said why do I need to go for help when he has the problem. I learned very quickly just how big MY problem was.

good luck to you and keep posting.
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Old 05-01-2006, 10:08 AM
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Welcome to SR... Im glad you found us.

I felt the same way you did, why should I get help when he has the problem, I did not want to invest anymore time dealing with issues caused by him.

I soon found out that I was not as healthy as I thought I was...Al-anon is another step in my becoming healthy.

I look forward to getting to know you better.
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Old 05-01-2006, 05:44 PM
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hi and welcome
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Old 05-01-2006, 07:10 PM
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so encouraging

thank you everyone for your words.

After my AH's binge last night, I confronted him tonight about his behavior. I got the usual apology... I guess until next time. I'm sure he won't have a drop all week and do it all over again very soon.I really should give al-anon a try, I feel that I am not ready for that or am I in denial? I hope not.
Anyways thank you for your words
I'll be reading the threads. Good to hear that I am not alone
Thank you again.
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Old 05-02-2006, 06:35 AM
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Hi No Fun-- I hate to say it, but you might be in denial and are not ready to face your own part in all this. It is very easy to blame the irrational alcoholic in our lives for all of our problems, but WE also perpetuate this vicious cycle. I never really considereded the role I played in it all until finding this place and getting educated on co-dependency. There is a reason that you and I are in the relationships we are in. There is also a reason why we've stayed in these relationships for so long. Why would seemingly "normal" people choose to stay in a relationship that they know is bad for them while looking at it through their objective eyes? These are questions you should ask of yourself so that if you ever end this relationship, you won't fall back into this same old cycle.

Believe you me, I'm not blaming you for all of your problems with your relationship. I KNOW firsthand the position you are in, but I also know now that it takes two to tango. Your behaviors and reactions perpetuate the cycle as much as his drinking binges do. I do not attend Al-Anon meetings myself, but have been educating myself through this site and books such as Co-Dependent No More and even read a part of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (kind of a 'know thy enemy' approach). It is available online for free. I will give you the following link that has helped me a GREAT DEAL...www.empoweredrecovery.com . They have a free e-book there for download and it is a wonderful resource.

Please check out that site b/c if you decide not to go to a meeting for a while or ever, this will help you more than you know. I would bet the bank that no, this is not the last time your AH will do this. It will go on and on until you begin making some serious decisions about your relationship and your future. All the best and hugs.
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Old 05-02-2006, 08:44 AM
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so true

thanks megamysterioso

I think that you hit it dead on....... It takes 2 to tango and I do have my part in this. I will check out the link thanks for that and for all your feedback.
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Old 05-02-2006, 08:55 PM
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I realized my part was accepting unacceptable behavior because I thought I could be the rescuer. As it turns out after 4 years of that, I decided to rescue myself! Best decision made and should have done it much sooner!

Take care of yourself! Remember, you didn't cause it, can't control or cure it!
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