After 9 monthes sober- he didn't come home last night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
After 9 monthes sober- he didn't come home last night
I am at work today- and at a loss for what to do. My AH got sober 9 monthes ago- I never thought it would happen, and I was skeptical about him staying that way. But he was going to meetings and really doing great- so a couple of monthes after he got sober- i got pregnant. I am 34 and he is 36- and we have no kids together (i have a 10 yr old boy- he has none)- we have both been so excited!! I just don't understand whats happened- I know he got drunk last night - or he would have come home. But there were no signs leading up to this!
My heart is broken- I don't know what to do- here I am 6 1/2 mths pregnant
HELP
My heart is broken- I don't know what to do- here I am 6 1/2 mths pregnant
HELP
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I'm so sorry. I know how long the night was for you. You didn't see it coming but we never know what triggers are out there. Event the blessings in ife that are free have to be ruined. Which brings me to my next comment and epiphany. That is the worst for me, someone who takes their blessings for granted. I can love an alcoholic but not a man who can't use a telephone, not a man whos God is in a bottle, not a man who spent the night "somewhere". It becomes a scarey, thick fog that we find ourselves alone in. I know that moment, we all do, when the frint door opens and they finally come home... relief, deep sorrow, rage, and no mouth to bother trying to find the words. I know myself that I am exactly one decision away from having a new life. So are you. That may not mean leaving. That may means regaining your footings and finding a higher level of existance for yourself and your baby. I understand what it feels like to want a reason an being handed an excuse. I used to be worth elaborate lies, now my husband is just sloppy. He ranted yesterday about his mother, "She lies abut things when the truth would do just as well, she lies about things that don't matter". Last night he took $100 and went out the door to play cards. I asked if he wanted a ride as he's already totalled a car last year and a brand new one trhis year and I'm attached to the insurance. He said no I'm drinking water and took a few bottles in a bag. He got right into the car and went in the opposite direction to the bar around the corner to buy beer. If he ever knew what I used to think of him and how I feel now, he would cry. I do believe in prayer. God knowes what's going to happen before we do and sometimes things don't make sense. Maybe he has given you this new life inside you for a reason that you never anticipated. That precious life inside you, loves you. Keep yourself safe in all ways. What do you anticipate saying to him when he comes home?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
Nine months sober, that's great! Sorry to hear he didn't come home last night and especially that he didn't call. Drinking after nine months of sobriety may just be a temporary lapse and not a surprizing one at that but there's no excuse for not coming home and not calling. This is defininately a good time for you to do something nice for yourself. I have always treated myself, guilt free, to something I wanted or a vacation for my children and myself, when my AH's behavior pi$$ed me off. Personally, I wouldn't make a lapse after nine months of sobriety it into a bigger deal than it already is by getting mad at him (guilt doesn't make them stay sober). I'd let him know that staying out all night without calling was unacceptable and show him the shiney bauble I got myself while distacting myself from worrying about him
I'd also let him know I expected that what happened was just a lapse and not a relapse.
Unfortunately, men are most likely to treat their wives poorly when the wives are pregnant and when the babies are young because... they can. It's when we women are at our most vulnerable and it's taken advantage of.
I'm someone who tries to focus on the possitive so I'd be grateful for the nine months of sobriety and hope that he makes it longer this next time around. Meanwhile, there's nothing wrong with making emergency back up plans for if things don't go as well as you hoped.
I'd also let him know I expected that what happened was just a lapse and not a relapse.Unfortunately, men are most likely to treat their wives poorly when the wives are pregnant and when the babies are young because... they can. It's when we women are at our most vulnerable and it's taken advantage of.
I'm someone who tries to focus on the possitive so I'd be grateful for the nine months of sobriety and hope that he makes it longer this next time around. Meanwhile, there's nothing wrong with making emergency back up plans for if things don't go as well as you hoped.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
I can imagine how disapointed you are. Relapse is not a part of recovery, contrary to what the treatment industry says, but because of the nature of alcoholism it does occur. And drinking again is not always the worst thing an alcoholic can do. I've known many for whom drinking again was profound and necessary. Because it brought them to the place of surrender.
I hope I am not out of line here, and there will probably be some negative feed back for my saying this, but can I make a suggestion? Get a copy of the book Alcoholics Anonymous and read chapters 2 and three. It may help you to understand the nature of alcoholism. And then read the chapters "To The Family Afterward" and "To Wives."
"To Wives" is kind of hard for me to read because of the way it is written, but it describes four types of drinkers, one of which is probably your husband. That may help you to understand as well.
Above all, do not blame yourself for his drinking. Anymore than you can take the credit for his sobriety. The problem has either been removed or it has not. If not, it is best that it be found out right away.
Jim
I hope I am not out of line here, and there will probably be some negative feed back for my saying this, but can I make a suggestion? Get a copy of the book Alcoholics Anonymous and read chapters 2 and three. It may help you to understand the nature of alcoholism. And then read the chapters "To The Family Afterward" and "To Wives."
"To Wives" is kind of hard for me to read because of the way it is written, but it describes four types of drinkers, one of which is probably your husband. That may help you to understand as well.
Above all, do not blame yourself for his drinking. Anymore than you can take the credit for his sobriety. The problem has either been removed or it has not. If not, it is best that it be found out right away.
Jim
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
As something which may give you hope: many many years ago, I was headed well down the road to becoming a true alcoholic. Both of my parents are. One day I woke up wanting to drink, took it as a big red flag, and vowed to go cold turkey and not drink again.
For 3 years, I was totally dry. Then I had to move. Something about the move totally disrupted my lifestyle and I started drinking again (I was 22 then, with little to no coping skills). The binge drinking lasted about 9 months. Then I stopped for good. That was 17 years ago. I'm not even sure why I stopped, except that I moved again, and in that move, left behind many of the people I was associated with.
Is it good that he went out drinking? Dear Lord no. Does it mean he'll continue to drink for the rest of his life? I don't know, but there's a good chance that seeing his drunken life, having had the experience of the sober life, may just lead him to permanent sobriety. It IS possible.
Maybe you can talk to him and tell him that he made this choice to drink again, and you'll make whatever choices you need to make to keep yourself and your children sane?
/echo what the others said about this having nothing to do with you, or your pregnancy, or anything other than him.
For 3 years, I was totally dry. Then I had to move. Something about the move totally disrupted my lifestyle and I started drinking again (I was 22 then, with little to no coping skills). The binge drinking lasted about 9 months. Then I stopped for good. That was 17 years ago. I'm not even sure why I stopped, except that I moved again, and in that move, left behind many of the people I was associated with.
Is it good that he went out drinking? Dear Lord no. Does it mean he'll continue to drink for the rest of his life? I don't know, but there's a good chance that seeing his drunken life, having had the experience of the sober life, may just lead him to permanent sobriety. It IS possible.
Maybe you can talk to him and tell him that he made this choice to drink again, and you'll make whatever choices you need to make to keep yourself and your children sane?
/echo what the others said about this having nothing to do with you, or your pregnancy, or anything other than him.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
My Ah is a binger. He can go days, weeks, and even months without having a drunkfest.
I know that you are very hurt - I remember those days as well. You have hope that they will retain their sobriety and then out of the blue, the day comes that it just slaps you in the face when they fall. Believe me, I know how you feel.
You have to realize that it is not about you. And an A can have every single good thing going on in their life (new baby, a new job, a great house, etc etc etc) and they do and can still fall. It's not always about them being happy or unhappy with their lives. I believe that every A has a void within themselves that no one or no circumstance can fix - they have to find the void and fill it themselves.
I just hope you realize that his fall is not about you or the baby. As the 3 C's say - You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so hurt and disappointed.
I know that you are very hurt - I remember those days as well. You have hope that they will retain their sobriety and then out of the blue, the day comes that it just slaps you in the face when they fall. Believe me, I know how you feel.
You have to realize that it is not about you. And an A can have every single good thing going on in their life (new baby, a new job, a great house, etc etc etc) and they do and can still fall. It's not always about them being happy or unhappy with their lives. I believe that every A has a void within themselves that no one or no circumstance can fix - they have to find the void and fill it themselves.
I just hope you realize that his fall is not about you or the baby. As the 3 C's say - You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so hurt and disappointed.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
I am sorry to hear about the relapse. I am sure it is painful for you. I understand. I hope he can get back on his feet again and stay in the program AA. Maybe this will strengthen his resolve to beat the illness. Have you heard from him yet?
I am sure it is hard being pregnant and all, you have a lot to think about and a lot on your plate. Keep us updated on the situation.
I am sure it is hard being pregnant and all, you have a lot to think about and a lot on your plate. Keep us updated on the situation.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Here's hoping he comes back soon and gets back on the horse. I know how much that hurts, it's got to be right up there as one of the hardest things.
Take care of yourself, try to give yourself a little treat if you can.
Take care of yourself, try to give yourself a little treat if you can.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
For my husband, pregnancy was difficult because it brought out such great FEAR in him. He grew up in a world where he believed he needed to be perfect, yet was told repeatedly that he could never be good enough.
Any responsibility sends him into a tail spin... pregnancy, and the idea of being responsible for a helpless child and perhaps BECOMING his father.... there was a LOT going on for him that just wasn't going on for me.
If this is a "slip", then I pray he has learned from it. In any case, now might be a good time to attend Alanon meetings or increase your meetings if you do attend. Focusing on you, your needs and the needs of your child will help you keep sane... no matter what his choices.
I wish you the best...
Any responsibility sends him into a tail spin... pregnancy, and the idea of being responsible for a helpless child and perhaps BECOMING his father.... there was a LOT going on for him that just wasn't going on for me.
If this is a "slip", then I pray he has learned from it. In any case, now might be a good time to attend Alanon meetings or increase your meetings if you do attend. Focusing on you, your needs and the needs of your child will help you keep sane... no matter what his choices.
I wish you the best...
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
My prayers are with you, him and your family.
Pregnancy is such a stressful time - for all the family members.
I don't have any advice - all I can say is I wish you all the best as you go through this tough situation.
Pregnancy is such a stressful time - for all the family members.
I don't have any advice - all I can say is I wish you all the best as you go through this tough situation.
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