xoducky1210ox

ok well im 14 and my moms an alcoholic. At this point i really don't know what to do. My dad died a year ago. Anywayz my mom gets drunk ALOT and still manages to hold a job. I never have friends spend the night because i did once and it was just a disater. If i ask her a question she FREAKS out and sometimes even hits me. Basically i keep my space. I love my life but i hate it at home. I do whatever i can to keep away from it. i dont know why she drinks. she says its me. she says i failed her as a daugther and that i made my dad kill himslef. I'm not asking for the magic words to make this go away. just help...

Cynay

Welcome to SR Ducky.... Im sorry your hurting but very glad that you found SR....

Please Please do not own her problem, it sounds like she is hurting very much and is taking that out on the person close to her.... With Alcoholics there are the 3 Cs...

You did NOT CAUSE it, You CANT cure it and you CANT control it....

Please keep that in mind with everything when working with her.... You are not responsible for her drinking in anyway.

Im a daughter of an mother who was and Alcoholic, I sooooo understand how you feel, I was abused at her hand when she was drinking as well. I dont know why but it seems that it hurts much worse and has such lasting effects when its a parent. I have married and dated other Alcoholics but it has never been as hurtful as the things I went through with my Mom.

I would suggest you try to find an Al-teen meeting, I know being 14 it is not easy but I also know that it would help you alot. I waited WAY to long to get help with all I was living with and ended up with over 10 years of therphy to help correct my issues....

Im sooooo glad you posted and I look forward to getting to know you. I usually hang out in Family and Friends, if you want to pop over there sometime I can tell you there are alot of great folks that can help support you as well....

You are not alone anymore.

historyteach

Hi, xoducky;
And welcome to SR!
I'm sorry you've been through so much already in your life. That really stinks!

NONE of what happened is your fault!! NOT ONE BIT OF IT!
You mom is very ill and she's not talking sense. Please understand this -- it's not her talking, it's her disease -- the disease of alcoholism. And alcoholism is a progressive disease, xoducky. She will get worse if she doesn't get herself help.

And so will your problems, if you don't get help. I urge you to go to alateen. It's a program associated with alanon. You can ask your school counselor for help finding one near you. And also, speak with your school student assistance counselor or a priest/minister/rabbi for your spiritual needs to be addressed.

You can get through this, xoducky. And one place that can really lpe is another web site designed just for kids your age. It's called www.soberteensonline.com
I do hope you'll go there and register. There, you'll find others dealing with the same issues you are. You can help support each other by sharing your experience, strenght and hope.

Be well, xoducky...you deserve much more than you're getting right now. With help getting through this, you will get all the beauty this world has to offer, and that you deserve.

Shalom!

Peter

Welcome xoducky. Glad you can join us. Please stick around and read some of the other posts in the forum. There are some wonderful people here who helped me a lot to understand my own dysfunctional childhood and how to find ways of coping with it.

GingerM

Your father dying is NOT your fault. Your mother drinking is NOT your fault. At some level, your mother knows that only she is to blame for her drinking, but she can't own up to it, so she needs to blame someone else. Unfortunately, you're the one who is there to be blamed. You did not fail her as a daughter, she is failing you as a mother. This is her disease, her choice, her actions.

You do not ask her to drink, you do not pour the alcohol down her throat, you do not ask her to hit you or demean you. This is also nothing you have any control over whatsoever.

Please do what you can to insulate yourself from her, both physically and emotionally. AlaTeen might help you if you can arrange to go to meetings. If not, then come here and read the stories of others. You are not alone.

I am 39 years old and an Adult Child of Alcoholics (both parents). It took a lot of counselling and a lot of courage, but I am finally well on my way to being healthy. With some luck, you may be able to find your path to peace earlier in your life than I did.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. You can't change your mother, but hopefully you can prepare yourself better for surviving the situation relatively emotionally intact.

leviathon

Ducky, I left home at 14 b/c of this type of conduct... well that and my stepfather stuck a loaded .357 magnum in my face, cocked it, and told me it was either his way or else...

Point is, what your mom is doing is highly abusive and will have far reaching impacts on your development. Don't leave as I did unless you have a SAFE place to go. DO get some counselling and develop a strong social support network. KNOW that you are NOT the problem, your mom has issues and she MUST stop blaming others and deal with her own issues. DO keep coming back and perhaps contact ALANON or ALATEEN in your area. If she hits you again DO call the police as this is ASSAULT and it is also child abuse, just as the derogatory comments and blaming of you is child abuse.

Cheers, Levi.

aasharon90

Hi ducky. Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic. I am also an adult child of an Alcoholic.

Glad u r here.

Ive been tackling my alcoholism for the past 15 yrs with little attentions paid to my childhood issues. They have surely paid a huge price in my own marriage.

Anyway....I think u r a special young lady. Esp. for recognizing what is going on around you and reaching out for help. That takes a strong willed person to do that. If u were my child, i would be extremly proud of you. : )

I too went thru physical, emotional and verbal abuse at the hands of my own mom. I still feel uncomfortable talking about her, maybe because its not right taking someone elses inventory, and thus i still have some admiration for her.

At the time i was little i couldnt tell u that because there was soooo much anger and hatred towards her. She was the Dr. Jeckel/Mr. Hyde type personality. She held on to a good job and always looked beautiful until the the false face and layerings were removed.

She brought the abuse that she endured as a child with her and infected her own family, thus the chain of abuse continued. I one out of 4 kids was chosen to carry that torch. But......for some WONDERFUL, AWESOME reason the chain was hopefully broken by me.

I entered my own marriage drinking with no idea i was an alcoholic. Of course in time my behavior spoke volumes. I have 2 BEAUTIFUL SMART children who r now attending college and thru the Grace of my Higher Power whom i choose to call God, spared me from abusing them.

When i was young like u, i had already been abuse as a little one. I took on the role as an adult and care taker and much more. More than any child should ever have to. I felt like my childhood was ripped from me many times even tho we did everything as a family. It was just i was singled out with the abuse.

There were a few times when i tried to reach out for help. This was in 9th Grade and my only closest friend l had knew of my abuse and talked me into seeing the guidance councilor. I had an apointment set up to go and chicken out due to the fear that overwhlemed me. If my mom EVER found out that i told them about the way she beat me, leaving whelps, bruises, torn flesh, black eyes, busted lips, then my life was over.

NO CHILD SHOULD EVER EVER have to endure such pain. NO CHILD..! Thats why it hurts me so to hear of little ones today on the news being tortured, abuses and thown away.

For u little one....again i comment u for reaching out. There r many times i think about a child at night hurting and just wish just for a moment to let them not hurt. To give me their pain so they can sleep peacefully or not go hungry and would gladly accept it.

My 2 children who r 19 and 21 know about my disease and have shared with them that if they should ever find themselves in a situation dealing with drugs or alcohol that there is help available. There r people here to help them and to know that they never have to go thru anything alone.

So little one , u r in a good place to recieve even for a moment, peace understanding, love and care from many wonderful recovery people here in SR.

So continue to post and read and message me if u ever need someone to talk to. Ive walked in ur shoes and certainly understand what u r going thru and how u r feeling.

Thanks for letting me share.

leviathon

xoducky, I think what everyone is telling you is that we all are very concerned about you and that we really want to be of assistance to you by being open to your questions, concerns, and to let you know that YOU are NOT the PROBLEM.

God your words brought bag awful memories of my mom saying those very things to me when I was a child, youth and teenager. It was extremely painful and I really empathize with you. Just know in your own heart that you are not the problem. You are a special person, just like all of us, and that your mom has issues that she needs to deal with.

xoducky1210ox

I know what you guys are saying and i need to take action in this. But being 14 and having a school that almost hates you. its not easy to reach out to someone. Even if i did.. Im afraid of what they'd do to my mom. I love her and dont wanna loose her but at the same time i want this diease gone. I really dont know what i should do and i checked for the ala-teen thing and nothings in my town.

leviathon

ducky, dont give up, there are lots of online resources. I know what you mean about not wanting to hurt your mom, but you can't put your well being behind hers. You have to take care of yourself, something you are likely not accustomed to doing. Unfortunately when one is mired in alcoholism or other addictions, one may not be able to get beyond their own problems. Check for Al Anon or ACOA even attend AA meetings... there are non alcoholics that attend and benefit b/c we are all sharing the same experience... the important thing is to get some support and don't accept the responsibility for what your mom is doing. Heck, private message those that have responded to you for support or guy kettleback or anyone that may offer support on this website.

Just know that you are not alone and that others care about you... you are not a problem... how could you be, you are just a kid trying to grow up and learn to be a healthy person.

There are also youth resources in your community that you don't have to disclose your issues at home with that can help you feel worthwhile and more normal... YMCA or YWCA BOY OR GIRL SCOUTS BIG BROTHER OR BIG SISTERS, ETC.

Levi.

Levi.

DesertEyes

Hey there xoducky,

If you can't find AlAteen in your town just call the local Al-Anon office in your phone book. Al-Ateen meetings are coordinated with Al-Anon, so the Al-Anon folks will know where there is a local meeting. If they do _not_ have an Al-Ateen meeting then they can always start one.

Mike

aasharon90

Hi Ducky, Sharon here again.

I can imagine how u must be feeling. I too was the most unpopular girl in school. Just gross. : ( The kids were cruel to me because i appeared different from them. Withdrawn. In school we had to wear uniforms. So there were days that we had free dress. Why was i the only one not in free dress? Why when on a feild trip u get to wear play clothes and i show up in my uniform? How did u get that black eye? Questions always thrown at me with lies to cover the truth.


Dont come home with an "F" are else. And i got the r else many times. Scared to death and fear all the time. Then to have a brother 11 mos older than i who spy'd on me just so he could get me in trouble. How do u explain this to kids that r cruel to u. And then on top of that, buck teeth, those good ol pimples....yeah...crader face and buck tooth sam....How aweful. I had to endure this all my school yrs till i left hom at 18. It took that one more time for her to raise her hand to me to finally say i had enough.

I do have to say that my dad, even tho he wasnt around when the beating accured, couldnt or didnt know what to do with her. He would just console me and tell me that ur mom is sick and that she really does love u but doesnt know what she is doing. Yeah right.

How i hated it....I went to school all those yrs, building up a wall and a shell to protect myself. Eventually i learned how to punch pillows to train myself for a fight on the parking lot against a bully. Yeah we fought and i slapped and she slapped and the last punch was witnessed by the kids on the bus coming to pick me up. HOORAY..!
: ) I get on the bus the next morning to a huge applause. : ) Great confidence builder.

Anyway....i look back today and think what could i have done if i were maybe in ur shoes....i would run to a neighbors house or a relatives house....tell someone what she is doing to me. Then i wonder if i reallly could have done it because i would be scared like u. But like others have said its not u its her.

When i was 30 and alcohol had stopped working for me because my behavior was out of control. I had a horrible accident in Feb 90 , then in Aug 90 i tried to end my life...but thank God my family did an intervention on me. My husband first called the hospital because i had taken some pills. I did however throw up the stuff to get it out of my system. So i was not willing to go to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. From then they called the police and got a court order to come pick me up and bring me to treatment. So i had my first ride in the EMS truck and then the back seat of a police car.

The court order was for me to stay in rehab for 2 weeks, but when they told me that i would have to go out of state to a halfway house we made a deal to stay in rehab for the 28 days then attend outpatiant threraphy for 6 weeks.

My family did for me what i couldnt do for myself.

So maybe someone can help u with a family intervention. Its worth a try.

Thanks for letting me share.

LWee112

hey xo ducky, im really new at this aswell. Im a 20 y.o who grew up in an alcoholic family...my mother being the worst.I saw that you had posted that its hard being 14 and u are afradi of what they will do to your mom. Ive been there and im still going through it...but im starting to realize that maybe if sumthing had happened in the past she wouldnt be like she is anymore. I wish that child protective services were called...bc it would have made her better. But instead everyone i love and care about let it goand ignored the problem. Now i am 20 y/o very depressed at times...i deal with thoughts and problems that a 20 y/o shouldnt be dealing with....heck..at 14 i was dealing with things 14 y/o shouldnt be dealing with. If you talk to a school counselor or sumthing this may be the best for both you and your mother. and it doesnt mean you dont love her