Hi everyone....I'm new here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 13
Hi everyone....I'm new here.
My husband is an alcoholic. He has been one for 30 years. He is currently in detox. Everyone I talk to about this says I need to go to Al Anon. I checked in my area and found the time and place for the meetings, and intend to go. I wanted to find a place also where I could share my feelings, and get information on this. This is all new to me. He and I just got married 6 weeks ago. I knew before I married him that he was a recovering alcoholic. Recently, he has started to drink again. I was married to an alcoholic for 13 years, and made it clear to him before we got married that I wouldn't live like that again.
I am at a loss as to what to do here. I love him with all my heart, and he treats me like a princess..........until the drinking starts. Then he becomes a different person.
He says he is gonna find the help he so desperately needs this time, and that he doesn't want to lose me.
Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I really need to get strong to deal with all of this.
I am at a loss as to what to do here. I love him with all my heart, and he treats me like a princess..........until the drinking starts. Then he becomes a different person.
He says he is gonna find the help he so desperately needs this time, and that he doesn't want to lose me.
Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated. I really need to get strong to deal with all of this.
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
I cannot stress enough what Alanon has done for my life. I, just like you married an alcoholic, full well knowing what I was doing, but Alanon has helped me to not only deal with the aspects of my AH, but also with everything else in my life, codependency issues, why I choose the men I do, and how to deal with issues regarding my son and family members, co-workers, etc. Alanon helps with just about every problem a person could ever have. I will never stop attending Alanon, no matter what happens with me and AH. We are separated now and he has moved on with a girl in his AA group, but I will continue to go to my meetings, because I feel there is no way I could be in a healthy relationship without participating in this program. I have made a lot of new friends who are going through the exact same thing that I am and no one there has judged me. I found a sponsor after attending for about a year and she has been the best friend I could have ever asked for. If I'm falling apart at 2:00 a.m. in the morning, she is there for me NO MATTER WHAT. That's what Alanon is about. I hated it when I first started going to meetings, but I kept going back and it took at least a couple of months for me to really start getting anything out of it. Just remember if you don't feel comfortable sharing, just tell them you want to pass and you're just there to listen and they will understand. Good luck and welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
hey buckeye girl - welcome. another ohio (columbus) gal here. yes - al-anon is a great program. i too was married to an alcoholic who recently passed away due to direct effects of the disease and i still attend al-anon because the program is about us and taking care of us - not how to "fix" the alcoholic. bluebayou made some good points in her post. read all you can here - stickies, etc.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: So Cal
Posts: 41
Hi and welcome!
You have come to the right place! It sounds like you already know what it's like to live with an alcoholic, and you were able to get away from the first one. How did that unfold? Did you detach?
Some say that recognizing and acknowledging the problem is the hardest part, but for me the hardest part was admitting to myself that I was incorrect in my choice of a mate. I was wrong. He was not the Prince Charming that I dreamed he could be. He was himself, and I was myself. I wanted to fix him, he didn't need to be "fixed".
With or without alcohol, our personality deficiencies sometimes remain. I am not a big believer in the "dry drunk" theory- however- when someone is abusing alcohol/drugs/martyrdom to escape from reality, there is usually an underlying cause that will not be easily fixed just by discontinuing the destructive behavior. Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers changed my life- I highly recommend it.
Hugs,
Susie
You have come to the right place! It sounds like you already know what it's like to live with an alcoholic, and you were able to get away from the first one. How did that unfold? Did you detach?
Some say that recognizing and acknowledging the problem is the hardest part, but for me the hardest part was admitting to myself that I was incorrect in my choice of a mate. I was wrong. He was not the Prince Charming that I dreamed he could be. He was himself, and I was myself. I wanted to fix him, he didn't need to be "fixed".
With or without alcohol, our personality deficiencies sometimes remain. I am not a big believer in the "dry drunk" theory- however- when someone is abusing alcohol/drugs/martyrdom to escape from reality, there is usually an underlying cause that will not be easily fixed just by discontinuing the destructive behavior. Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers changed my life- I highly recommend it.
Hugs,
Susie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 13
Thank you!
It is so good to know that I am not in this alone. I know there are so many people that deal with this on a daily basis. But sitting here and actually reading replies to my post makes it real for me. There really ARE others.
I'm sure that some of my family and friends are thinking to themselves......"Why would you ever marry a man that you KNEW was an alcoholic, especially when you were married to one before" And if I sit and ask myself this question, I can understand why they would wonder. The truth is.....I loved him. When he is sober (and he was for 3 months before we got married), he is so loving, kind, tenderhearted and caring. He treats me like no other man has ever treated me. There is so much respect for me as a person, which is something I haven't had before. And I guess I am the kind of person who has faith in people that they can change.
Rhino Gal,
With my first husband....I simply got tired and worn down. I just couldn't do it anymore. I guess I did detach. I stopped loving him. I had to....for my own sanity. I doesn't hurt as much when you don't love them. But after I left him....he stalked me everyday. I didn't know it at the time. He told me that he had bought a gun and was going to shoot my daughter, then shoot me, then shoot himself. But he wanted me to hurt as much as I hurt him by leaving, before he killed me. As you see...he didn't do it. I am still alive. But it was hell on earth getting away from him. And until he finally met someone else....he kept doing it.
I'm sure that some of my family and friends are thinking to themselves......"Why would you ever marry a man that you KNEW was an alcoholic, especially when you were married to one before" And if I sit and ask myself this question, I can understand why they would wonder. The truth is.....I loved him. When he is sober (and he was for 3 months before we got married), he is so loving, kind, tenderhearted and caring. He treats me like no other man has ever treated me. There is so much respect for me as a person, which is something I haven't had before. And I guess I am the kind of person who has faith in people that they can change.
Rhino Gal,
With my first husband....I simply got tired and worn down. I just couldn't do it anymore. I guess I did detach. I stopped loving him. I had to....for my own sanity. I doesn't hurt as much when you don't love them. But after I left him....he stalked me everyday. I didn't know it at the time. He told me that he had bought a gun and was going to shoot my daughter, then shoot me, then shoot himself. But he wanted me to hurt as much as I hurt him by leaving, before he killed me. As you see...he didn't do it. I am still alive. But it was hell on earth getting away from him. And until he finally met someone else....he kept doing it.
Last edited by buckeye_gal; 04-28-2006 at 08:55 PM. Reason: Edited to add answer to Rhino Gal's question.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
advice: Go to Al-anon.
Its interesting, so many times we, the family members are always telling the alcoholic to go to AA, and they refuse. Then, when we are told to go to Al Anon, WE refuse.
Such is the family disease of alcoholism.
Its interesting, so many times we, the family members are always telling the alcoholic to go to AA, and they refuse. Then, when we are told to go to Al Anon, WE refuse.
Such is the family disease of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Lots of people here have found Al-Anon helpful, good for you looking it up! I think the thing that really counts is to get whatever help you need to not be knocked off your feet by the hardstuff! I used counselling, here, friends and reading but I was glad to get all I could.
I hope he finds a way that works for him to, whatever that is. I think putting himself in detox is a relatively big action - has he been through that many times before?
Take care of yourself and like others have said - you're not alone!
I hope he finds a way that works for him to, whatever that is. I think putting himself in detox is a relatively big action - has he been through that many times before?
Take care of yourself and like others have said - you're not alone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 13
Equus,
He has been through rehab 6 times in his life. But he told me yesterday......he has more to live for and to stop drinking for now....than he ever has. He doesn't want to continue drinking. It has such a hold on him.
I forgot yesterday to mention the fact that when he and I met....I told him that I detested an alcoholic. I was married to one for all those years and I had made up my mind I would never do it again. I also told him I would not allow alcohol in my house. That was a mistake. I know this now. Since he couldn't get the real stuff to drink....he started drinking Listerine. Then when I caught on to that, he switched to rubbing alcohol and hand cleaner. I was clueless that he was doing that. The rubbing alcohol is what put him in ICU. They told me that they didn't know if he would need dialysis (sp?) or not. It has been a nightmare....I DO know that. He is doing better, as of today. But he is also having some major mood swings.
Thanks to all of you trying to help me.
He has been through rehab 6 times in his life. But he told me yesterday......he has more to live for and to stop drinking for now....than he ever has. He doesn't want to continue drinking. It has such a hold on him.
I forgot yesterday to mention the fact that when he and I met....I told him that I detested an alcoholic. I was married to one for all those years and I had made up my mind I would never do it again. I also told him I would not allow alcohol in my house. That was a mistake. I know this now. Since he couldn't get the real stuff to drink....he started drinking Listerine. Then when I caught on to that, he switched to rubbing alcohol and hand cleaner. I was clueless that he was doing that. The rubbing alcohol is what put him in ICU. They told me that they didn't know if he would need dialysis (sp?) or not. It has been a nightmare....I DO know that. He is doing better, as of today. But he is also having some major mood swings.
Thanks to all of you trying to help me.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Since he couldn't get the real stuff to drink....he started drinking Listerine. Then when I caught on to that, he switched to rubbing alcohol and hand cleaner. I was clueless that he was doing that. The rubbing alcohol is what put him in ICU.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, the exact thing you were afraid of but we codies seem to attract people with probems without even knowing it.
I just want to give you some hope. MY husband has been an A since he was 15 yrs old. Back then he was in jail several times the worst was when he stole a car and was in a very bad accident in which everyone was hurt except him. He's been carrying that guilt and shame around with him plus much more for 15+ years. I've known him since we were 14yrs old. He was my "first love". I went on to marry at 26 but unfortunately my husand died of melanoma 2ys later. He married at 18 had 2 children and by the time his children were 5 and 2 he left the state where they lived and moved back to our home town where I lived. We hooked up again, probably way too soon after my husband died but like a true codie I needed someone, anyone in my life and apparently the sicker the better. He managed to make it through school earnig a Bachelor's degree in in the arts (he's a journalist) being drunk or high every day. When I'd try to get him "to see the light" I was too controlling, which was exactly what I was but didn't see at the time. My whole purpose in life was to take care of and obsess over him. I never allowed myself my own life because I didn't feel I was worthly of anything better. Many things happend in between. Breaks ups...get back together and the cycle continued until two months ago.
We have been married for a year (yes I married him). We moved from Buffalo,NY to Hickory, NC he found a job at a newspaper and was away from his party buddies but still drank daily (in my own sickness I thought he was much better) eventhough he was drinking daily and our relationship was full of all the stuff that goes along with being in love with an A. Still obsessing over him and never even knowing what I wanted or how to get it.
Last August he was fired for writing an article that was in poor judgement. He didn't see it that way but I surely did. It was everyone else's fault but his.
I started to distance myself emotionally from him as I had, had enough. Did he even see I was doing this. No.
Hang on there's some hope to offer at the end of this long story.
He started working at a local resturant and that is when he quit drinking "on his own", you see he thought he didn't need the help of a program such as AA. But he managed quickly to subsitute opiates for alcohol. I didn't know, but looking back I had a gut instinct that was telling me something was up. But being the good codie that I am I thought I was just paranoid and crazy and he would tell me the same thing if I told him I felt something just wasn't right.
One day he left abruptly leaving a note saying he was going to see his kids in Delaware. That's when I found out through mutal friends who hooked him up with his pot dealer when we moved here that he'd been taking pills for over three months and was up to about 150mg a day of percocets. I'm an RN so I know that this is bad and that he could die from and accidental overdose. This was the end for me.
I spoke with a lawyer about separation, changed all accounts to get his name off of them, turned off his cell phone (as everything is in my name) and stopped answering his calls. Then he tricked me by calling from a different number and I answered. He was crying and carrying on about how he was such a loser and how much pain he caused to all who loved him. All I said was "what do you want me to do about it". Nothing he said. I went to hang up and he started coming clean about the opiate abuse that I already knew about. He said he just needed someone to talk to. I said "I'm sorry but I'm no longer available to you." He then said "I'm afraid I'm going to die and I want to go into an inpatient rehab." I said he could come home but must follow through with this on his own within 24hrs of being home or he was going to have to leave. Here's the hope part I've been trying to get at, you see I talk way too much which I think is both theraputic yet codie characteristics as well.
He went into a 28 day rehab program and to my surprise grabbed on to it with both hands and is holding on for dear life. He's been sober for 62days. No drugs at all. He attends a meeting a day, sometimes 2-3 a day depending on what he needs. I support him but stay out of his way so to speak and work my program which is Alanon as well as reading books recommeded on this site. Life is not perfect by any means but if he stays sober and I work on my issues the only way to go is up. It's not easy by any means but now for the first time in our relationship I stay because I want to not because I need to. Who knows what will happen in the next 60days but I can't think like that as it will only induce worry and obsession which will put me back to where I came from. I now know and believe that I am worthy of being loved and that I don't have to and won't settle for anything less from anybody. Go to an alanon meeting. Empower yourself, take care of yourself. You can only contorl yourself and your actions. Once you get that you start to feel empowered over your own self and that is a very liberating feeling. You can change. He can change. However, he can only change him and you can only change you. God Bless you.
I just want to give you some hope. MY husband has been an A since he was 15 yrs old. Back then he was in jail several times the worst was when he stole a car and was in a very bad accident in which everyone was hurt except him. He's been carrying that guilt and shame around with him plus much more for 15+ years. I've known him since we were 14yrs old. He was my "first love". I went on to marry at 26 but unfortunately my husand died of melanoma 2ys later. He married at 18 had 2 children and by the time his children were 5 and 2 he left the state where they lived and moved back to our home town where I lived. We hooked up again, probably way too soon after my husband died but like a true codie I needed someone, anyone in my life and apparently the sicker the better. He managed to make it through school earnig a Bachelor's degree in in the arts (he's a journalist) being drunk or high every day. When I'd try to get him "to see the light" I was too controlling, which was exactly what I was but didn't see at the time. My whole purpose in life was to take care of and obsess over him. I never allowed myself my own life because I didn't feel I was worthly of anything better. Many things happend in between. Breaks ups...get back together and the cycle continued until two months ago.
We have been married for a year (yes I married him). We moved from Buffalo,NY to Hickory, NC he found a job at a newspaper and was away from his party buddies but still drank daily (in my own sickness I thought he was much better) eventhough he was drinking daily and our relationship was full of all the stuff that goes along with being in love with an A. Still obsessing over him and never even knowing what I wanted or how to get it.
Last August he was fired for writing an article that was in poor judgement. He didn't see it that way but I surely did. It was everyone else's fault but his.
I started to distance myself emotionally from him as I had, had enough. Did he even see I was doing this. No.
Hang on there's some hope to offer at the end of this long story.
He started working at a local resturant and that is when he quit drinking "on his own", you see he thought he didn't need the help of a program such as AA. But he managed quickly to subsitute opiates for alcohol. I didn't know, but looking back I had a gut instinct that was telling me something was up. But being the good codie that I am I thought I was just paranoid and crazy and he would tell me the same thing if I told him I felt something just wasn't right.
One day he left abruptly leaving a note saying he was going to see his kids in Delaware. That's when I found out through mutal friends who hooked him up with his pot dealer when we moved here that he'd been taking pills for over three months and was up to about 150mg a day of percocets. I'm an RN so I know that this is bad and that he could die from and accidental overdose. This was the end for me.
I spoke with a lawyer about separation, changed all accounts to get his name off of them, turned off his cell phone (as everything is in my name) and stopped answering his calls. Then he tricked me by calling from a different number and I answered. He was crying and carrying on about how he was such a loser and how much pain he caused to all who loved him. All I said was "what do you want me to do about it". Nothing he said. I went to hang up and he started coming clean about the opiate abuse that I already knew about. He said he just needed someone to talk to. I said "I'm sorry but I'm no longer available to you." He then said "I'm afraid I'm going to die and I want to go into an inpatient rehab." I said he could come home but must follow through with this on his own within 24hrs of being home or he was going to have to leave. Here's the hope part I've been trying to get at, you see I talk way too much which I think is both theraputic yet codie characteristics as well.
He went into a 28 day rehab program and to my surprise grabbed on to it with both hands and is holding on for dear life. He's been sober for 62days. No drugs at all. He attends a meeting a day, sometimes 2-3 a day depending on what he needs. I support him but stay out of his way so to speak and work my program which is Alanon as well as reading books recommeded on this site. Life is not perfect by any means but if he stays sober and I work on my issues the only way to go is up. It's not easy by any means but now for the first time in our relationship I stay because I want to not because I need to. Who knows what will happen in the next 60days but I can't think like that as it will only induce worry and obsession which will put me back to where I came from. I now know and believe that I am worthy of being loved and that I don't have to and won't settle for anything less from anybody. Go to an alanon meeting. Empower yourself, take care of yourself. You can only contorl yourself and your actions. Once you get that you start to feel empowered over your own self and that is a very liberating feeling. You can change. He can change. However, he can only change him and you can only change you. God Bless you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
It was not a mistake to tell him you would not allow alcohol in your house. That was your choice. It was his choice to pick up the rubbing alcohol and hand cleaner.....being in the hospital was the consequence of his action...not yours.
Definately go to al-anon. You are not alone.
btw---I'm from Cincinnati.
Definately go to al-anon. You are not alone.
btw---I'm from Cincinnati.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 13
I know deep in my heart that none of this is my fault. All I am guilty of is loving him and trying to be a good wife to him. His problems were there....long before I came along. I am gonna go to Al Anon. At this point I don't think I can make it without it.
I went to see him today. He was doing so much better. He seemed so much different than he did. He told me that he felt at peace about all of this. He was determined to stop for good this time. He also said he had never really wanted this before. I just hope he means it. I will say this. I am prepared for the worse. I know...he had this problem way before I came along, and I can't "fix" this for him. He has to do it for himself....and no one else. He knows he is gonna lose everything that he loves....if he doesn't. I hope that is enough to help him stop. Plus the fact that he realizes now just how close he came to dying from drinking rubbing alcohol on top of his meds that he took. He also told me that he needed to start going to church, and get his life straightened out, because it was so out of control...he couldn't do it himself. And of course he wants to go back to AA. He knows he started going downhill when he stopped going to his meetings.
So we will see.....
I am so glad I found this website!
I went to see him today. He was doing so much better. He seemed so much different than he did. He told me that he felt at peace about all of this. He was determined to stop for good this time. He also said he had never really wanted this before. I just hope he means it. I will say this. I am prepared for the worse. I know...he had this problem way before I came along, and I can't "fix" this for him. He has to do it for himself....and no one else. He knows he is gonna lose everything that he loves....if he doesn't. I hope that is enough to help him stop. Plus the fact that he realizes now just how close he came to dying from drinking rubbing alcohol on top of his meds that he took. He also told me that he needed to start going to church, and get his life straightened out, because it was so out of control...he couldn't do it himself. And of course he wants to go back to AA. He knows he started going downhill when he stopped going to his meetings.
So we will see.....
I am so glad I found this website!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I knew before I married him that he was a recovering alcoholic. Recently, he has started to drink again. I was married to an alcoholic for 13 years, and made it clear to him before we got married that I wouldn't live like that again.
And this is precisely why your friends and family are encouraging you to attend Alanon. It will help you determine which of your behavior patterns tend to attract alcoholics to you. It will also help you to understand why you chose an alcoholic partner in the past and why you've chosen an alcoholic partner yet again.
When we learn how and why we made our previous mistakes it helps us to identify our weakness and avoid making similar mistakes in the future. There is so much to gain from joining Alanon and little to lose. What harm would it do to give it a try? You might find that it will help put you on a path to a better life.
Welcome to the forum.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
You THINK you made it clear to him that you wouldn't live like that again, but you didn't. That's not the message your new husband heard. When he learned that you were previously married to an alcoholic for 13 years, he heard exactly what he was hoping to hear--that you ARE willing to live with an active alcoholic and that you ARE willing to put up with unacceptable behavior--for at least 13 years. He can accomplish a lot of drinking and a lot of irresponsible behavior in 13 years--just what a recovering alcoholic teetering on the verge of a relapse is looking for. You're previous marital history made you his dream girl.
But I will say this much.....I am much stronger today, than I was then. As much as I love my husband, I will give him up before I will allow myself to be torn down like before.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
It took me a while to realize the same thing about myself, Buckeye. And Alanon and SoberRecovery helped me realize that I was sending out the right message to the wrong people. That's why so many of us find ourselves in exactly the same situation again and again.
Once we learn how our behavior attracts addicts, we'll be able to break the cycle. Have you read any of Melody Beatty's books? They helped me tremendously. I particularly liked The Language of Letting Go and CoDependent No More. Other folks have found Getting Them Sober (don't know the author) very helpful as well. Why don't you pick yourself up copies the next time you're at the library or bookstore?
Once we learn how our behavior attracts addicts, we'll be able to break the cycle. Have you read any of Melody Beatty's books? They helped me tremendously. I particularly liked The Language of Letting Go and CoDependent No More. Other folks have found Getting Them Sober (don't know the author) very helpful as well. Why don't you pick yourself up copies the next time you're at the library or bookstore?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 13
Looking back at my track record....I AM attracting the wrong kind of men. First husband.......an alcoholic. Second husband was wonderful and seemed completly normal at first. Then became verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive to me shortly after we got married. And now number 3......
I always have said I have a sign on my back that says "Pick me...I'll take care of you" I said it in a joking manner, but it's true. There may not be a sign, but I am projecting this message to them. I have always been very caring and loving, and I think this gives them the message they can crap on me and get by with it. But what my current husband needs to realize is.....after leaving my second husband, I was a mess. I found the help of a forum for verbal abuse, books, and was also helped by my Dr. I am tons stronger now than I was then. I will never allow myself to be put in the same mind frame I was in with the last husband. If it means losing the man I love with all my heart, then that is what will happen. But never again will I allow another human to make me want to commit suicide or resort to any kind of drastic measures because I am hurting so badly.
And no I haven't read either of those two books. I will check into them.
I always have said I have a sign on my back that says "Pick me...I'll take care of you" I said it in a joking manner, but it's true. There may not be a sign, but I am projecting this message to them. I have always been very caring and loving, and I think this gives them the message they can crap on me and get by with it. But what my current husband needs to realize is.....after leaving my second husband, I was a mess. I found the help of a forum for verbal abuse, books, and was also helped by my Dr. I am tons stronger now than I was then. I will never allow myself to be put in the same mind frame I was in with the last husband. If it means losing the man I love with all my heart, then that is what will happen. But never again will I allow another human to make me want to commit suicide or resort to any kind of drastic measures because I am hurting so badly.
And no I haven't read either of those two books. I will check into them.
Last edited by buckeye_gal; 05-01-2006 at 04:25 AM. Reason: To answer question about the books
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
You may also want to check out a site called www.empoweredrecovery.com. There is a free e-book available for download there and it is a wonderful read. Best of luck to you.
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