To The Fence-Sitting Soul-Searchers

Old 04-28-2006, 11:36 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
To The Fence-Sitting Soul-Searchers

I'm leaving AH and it took me a LONG time and a lot of mess in between to come to this concrete decision. Here is what nudged me down from the fence...

AH had promised to "cut down on his drinking for the sake of our marriage" and I figured off the bat that this was another empty promise and another excuse to not quit COMPLETELY. I did not say much during this time and I just watched his ACTIONS. One weekend his friend came over and they partied. It was a weekend drunkfest and in the midst of it- AH fell off our sofa onto his face and got carpetburn on his forehead---- YES carpetburn . I thought about all of our serious "Jerry Springer" episodes we've had--- HUGE fights in public places, him breaking my windshield, me calling the sherriff, ER alcohol poisoning, him making promises and constantly breaking them- each Jerry Springer episode yet another violation of trust and loss of respect. He mentioned how the carpetburn was really "no big deal." I DO agree that carpetburn in comparison with the things I've mentioned above is minor, dumb sh*t.

The fact of the matter is... as long as you continue to live with an active alcoholic/addict, the "dumb sh*t" will always happen. Luckily, the dumb sh*t THIS time was carpetburn, next time it could be worse (maybe not). Don't even bother speculating- it IS coming. Are you able to live with ANY of the dumb sh*t for another moment and be happy??? How about for another 10 years??? My answer was/is NO. I want no part of it any longer- no matter how "major" or how "minor."
megamysterioso is offline  
Old 04-28-2006, 12:15 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Cynay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
*hugs*

Its a hard place to come too... but I think that is the hardest part. Making the choice.

From here on out its just a matter of perserverance (sp) and sticking to the decisions... coming to the decision was the hardest part for me. I completely understand too ... how awful to think about 10 years down the road and see the same or more then likely worse sh*# happening....

There are some really beautiful sunrises out there.... maybe its time to chase one .
Cynay is offline  
Old 04-28-2006, 06:49 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zoey's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
mega, Thank you for sharing, I can relate to carpet burn, my hubby did that too once, got his forehead also. He told me, and he laughed, so evidently he too thought no big deal.
Write your thoughts anytime, I believe it helps us start to heal and stay strong.
LV and HUGS
Zoey is offline  
Old 04-28-2006, 07:47 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Not a bad place to be....
 
BayouSelf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
Welcome to the "other side" mega. I'm so happy to hear you have made a decision. It's been 5 months now that my AH and I have been separated and while we were supposed to be working on getting back together, he hooked up with a "more understanding" chick from his AA group. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Is it the reason I never completely broke off our relationship, out of fear he would immediately move on with another woman? Absolutely. He hasn't had a drink in five months, but he's absolutely miserable and a practicing dry drunk. I'm really big on journaling and writing down my thoughts and feelings. Everytime, I feel I am in serious pain and am doubting my decision to leave my AH, I go back and read my journal, to remember that that life is now over and I can move forward. It does get a little quiet and lonely on this side, but I have the power to change all of that. I don't have to sit and wallow in it for very long anymore. I just keep very busy and I've been making as many new and supportive friends and I can find in alanon and open AA meetings. I'm actually happier now than I have been in a long time. Do I still miss him? Yes, but I'm sure that will eventually fade, now that I'm starting to live a happy and full life. Good luck and congrats on your decision. Someday we'll look back and wonder why in the hell we put up with the crap for as long as we did.
BayouSelf is offline  
Old 04-28-2006, 08:05 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 20
My alcoholic fell and broke his leg before...
He didn't even know that it was broken until he became sober after 2 weeks... sigh...

Good luck and congratulations!!!!!!
ilovehippos is offline  
Old 04-29-2006, 07:43 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 66
Mega glad the fence sitting has ended, I guess like Cynay said it may be even harded to stick to it. I decided to stop fence sitting as well, I made my decision b/c I've really been thinking about my future and my children's future. Someone asked me where I see myself in 10 years and I thought, "My God I will be sending Matthew (my 8 year old son) off to college." I can't imagine being able to do that, financially or other wise if I'm in the same place I am now. I decided I needed to make some serious changes. I also thought about when my son was in preschool and getting letters sent home about him discussing his dads drinking with his peers, I realized my daughter would be getting those same letters set home if it weren't for him (AH) being out of the house. I figure I'm on the right track with him being out of the house and it's time to move forward in the right direction. I can't afford to go backwards. Stay strong Mega, stay strong, I pray I do too!
kmagk is offline  
Old 04-29-2006, 08:15 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Searching and tripping
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hey Mega...congrats
gelfling is offline  
Old 04-29-2006, 03:33 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Thanks so much everyone and I'm trying my best to stay strong during this time. I just feel that nothing will ever change for the better unless something drastic like this happens. When I say "better," I mean that I want me and AH to move forward and quit perpetuating this cycle. If that means divorcing then so be it. If we can separate for quite a while and he can get sober and get it together, there might still be a slight chance for us in the future. All I know is that practically no progress has been made in 3 1/2 years and I cannot waste my life waiting and hoping for change.

Of course right now, he is telling me that if I stick this out with him that he will "seek help." He even went so far to say "he didn't think it was 'that serious' and now that he does, he'll quit." I've talked to him about this before--uhhh--- for 3 1/2 years!!!! HELLO??? I told him that obviously OUR words have meant nothing to each other this whole time so now it was time "TO DO." To me there is no other solution for us other than "doing." Thanks for the support everyone.
megamysterioso is offline  
Old 04-29-2006, 03:59 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
outonalimb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by megamysterioso
Of course right now, he is telling me that if I stick this out with him that he will "seek help." He even went so far to say "he didn't think it was 'that serious' and now that he does, he'll quit." I've talked to him about this before--uhhh--- for 3 1/2 years!!!! HELLO???
First of all, Mega...congratulations on your decision to climb down off of the fence. Its very uncomfortable up there, ya know?

Also...as to what your AH said...The thing is...I'm sure he means it. I'm sure he'd love to be able to quit. He's sick. Alcoholism is a disease. There is SO much more involved with quitting than just wanting it. Look at us...for example. We get so sick of living this crazy life and we want something better but each of us has to hit our own personal 'bottom' before we are ready to let go of our old way of thinking and living and find a better life. As hard as it is for us - the codependents - I think its 100 times harder for the alcoholic or addict. They aren't just dealing with an unhealthy way of thinking like us...they are also dealing with physical addiction to the drugs or alcohol. He knew his drinking was a problem. Right now, he'll undoubtedly say or do anything to make things work between you. But as we all know, wanting things to get better and actally being willing to do the work to change them - are two very different propositions.

I'm sure your AH isn't a bad person. I'm sure that he probably has a lot of wonderful qualities buried underneath the addiction. But as we all know, nothing changes if nothing changes. I congratulate you on taking the difficult step of changing things. It takes alot of courage. Hold your head up and look forward to brighter days. I have a feeling they're just around the corner for you.

Hugs.
outonalimb is offline  
Old 04-29-2006, 04:17 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Thanks outonalimb and what you said there makes a lot of sense and I needed to hear it. I really have no doubts that I'm making the right decision. I do care for him and I want him to succeed in life ya know? It's just a crying shame! I think that letting him go will be best for him ultimately too. By living with me, it makes being a drunk much easier for him. He'll do best out on his own without my "support."
megamysterioso is offline  
Old 04-29-2006, 09:38 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Followtheyellowbrickroad
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Hey Mega, you and I are joined by our stories I think. So very much alike, down to the things they told us about how "it wasn't that bad" and the empty promises. I was an enabler for him I have learned since finding this site yesterday. I was a provoker. I would punish him for hos behavior and it would never change. We've been seperated now since March 4th. Our one year wedding anniversary is in 15 days. Know that we are in this boat together with everyone here going through the same thing. You can PM me, IM me because when you need to talk, you just need to talk right!
deettah is offline  
Old 04-29-2006, 10:56 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
prodigal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I'm so happy for you and it's normal to have second thoughts when you think back to the early days when things weren't as bad. Carpetburn? My AH feel onto a gravel driveway in a campground two years ago and woke up the next morning with a bloody mess on one side of his face. He acted embarrassed, but by the time the day was done he had "forgotten" it - just another method of denial. Two weeks ago, he fell in our family room (all tile flooring) and bruised his face up bad. He also broke a champagne glass and didn't bother to clean up most of the shards of glass. Great. It would have been lovely if the dog had walked into that. This time he had multiple bruises. He almost decided to clean up his act, but after four days (and a serious case of the shakes) he was back on the sauce.

I haven't lived with him, for the most part, in almost two weeks. After being put through an emotional meat-grinder I can honestly say that I've grieved the loss of the man he was, realized that the man he was is dead and gone, and made peace with the fact that he probably will never get sober after numerous detox programs (both in-patient and out-patient). I truly believe it is a miracle from my Higher Power ("God") that I no longer wish to dwell on what might-have-been, what is no longer, and what will never be. I have peace. I'm not angry. And I wish him well, but it's no longer of any interest to me to be a player in his "drama."

I wish you every good thought that you will continue to grow on your own and be able to put the past to rest. We all grieve the loss of a loved one to addiction, but there is a point when we must cease grieving and move on with the one life we were given to life; namely, our own.
prodigal is offline  
Old 04-30-2006, 09:29 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
When Pigs Fly
 
kermit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Mega, I'm gald you made off the fence.I wish you the best. You have great spirit, I can tell from your posts. You have often helped me. I just want to send out a ton of huggs to you. Good luck I will always have you in my prayers.You are AWSOME!
kermit is offline  
Old 05-01-2006, 05:59 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Thanks so much you all.

I truly believe it is a miracle from my Higher Power ("God") that I no longer wish to dwell on what might-have-been, what is no longer, and what will never be. I have peace. I'm not angry. And I wish him well, but it's no longer of any interest to me to be a player in his "drama."
That is a gift from your HP. I too am not really angry at this point, but there is a certain sense of sadness that I am quite frankly shocked about. I did not think I had much in me left for him. I thought that I had come to total peace and acceptance of the fact that he chooses drinking over a future with me. I thought that I would never second guess myself during his quacking sessions of saying "you're not giving me a chance." I was wrong. His words do affect me, but I know that I cannot continue this way and if I were to stay, the "drama" would continue. I can no longer be a participant in the drama either. I am done and what he chooses to do with this time in his life is his business and HIS choice.

I do find myself saying these types of things to myself--- "If I were him, I'd take this time when we are separated to get my act together and 'prove' myself. I'd go through all the necessary steps to make life better for me and stop this cycle of pain." I just feel that NOW would be the time for him to pull up the bootstraps. He cannot see this as an opportunity for POSITIVE change. Instead, he is blaming, having pity parties and drinking himself stupid every day. Is it natural for me to have these kind of thoughts??????
megamysterioso is offline  
Old 05-01-2006, 08:52 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
denny57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by megamysterioso
I do find myself saying these types of things to myself--- "If I were him, I'd take this time when we are separated to get my act together and 'prove' myself. I'd go through all the necessary steps to make life better for me and stop this cycle of pain." I just feel that NOW would be the time for him to pull up the bootstraps. He cannot see this as an opportunity for POSITIVE change. Instead, he is blaming, having pity parties and drinking himself stupid every day. Is it natural for me to have these kind of thoughts??????
I had these thoughts, too, mega. Sometimes I still do. But I took action with the faith that it was the right thing to do for me. Six months down the road I can truly say the focus is on me, not him. My main emotion is sadness, too. That doesn't mean I'm down and sad all the time. I am not; in fact, I am in a very good place with my life and feel happier than I have in years. I am sad it came to this, but that is an emotion I can deal with when it is for all the right reasons.

Don't forget - be good to yourself as you go through this.
denny57 is offline  
Old 05-01-2006, 09:01 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Thanks Denny and I always love to hear from you b/c I know you've BTDT. That's pretty much what I'm doing is simply taking action with the faith that it is the best thing to do for me. I prayed about it last night and will keep my firm resolve that this is the ONLY way for now. I'll do my best to be good to myself first and foremost. Thanks again.
megamysterioso is offline  
Old 05-01-2006, 09:06 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Followtheyellowbrickroad
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Hey Mega, I know those thoughts must be normal because I am having them too. I didn't even tell my family AH had moved out for two weeks hoping that he would pull his act together. And still he put me through hell with his manipulative BS, making it my fault. What you need to do is listen to Denny57, that is the best advice to someone in our situations.
deettah is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:58 AM.