Help- Feeling Razzled
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Help- Feeling Razzled
I'm leaving AH and have decided to leave this apartment no matter what. One minute he says he's staying here to work an AA program (yep- the man that thought AA was a joke is considering this) and the next minute he's moving out of state and saying, "F it." He cannot seem to find a roommate and cannot afford this place all his own. One minute he's blaming me at "making his life miserable" and the next he "totally understands why I'm leaving." I'm doing my best to take it in as the quacking that it is.
We're sleeping in separate rooms until I can move out of here. I've turned in my paperwork to the apt. management informing them that I'm leaving. AH has not done anything in that regard yet and I am worried he will "stick" himself with a lease he cannot afford (codie in me and I know it's not my problem). He knows what the deadlines are.
Our mutual friend came over from out of town yesterday and oh boy...
AH had this huge conversation with him about "choose your side." It was really ridiculous (he was drunk of course) and unfair to friend. I could've jumped in the conversation a hundred times, but controlled myself, said nothing the whole time and just left the room and went to bed.
My boss just called b/c I made an error at work. I'm trying to keep it together on the job front, but it is getting SO tough. One person there knows my story. I have not been able to sit down with boss yet b/c he's been out of town a lot lately. I mentioned that "I'm having some serious personal problems right now and I know it shouldn't affect my job performance and I'm trying my best." He seemed understanding. I almost burst into tears on the phone when I said that to him.
It's getting really rough around here. I just need some support and encouragement I guess. I'm sure that anyone that has managed to leave the AH in his/her life has gone through a similar experience when "waiting."
We're sleeping in separate rooms until I can move out of here. I've turned in my paperwork to the apt. management informing them that I'm leaving. AH has not done anything in that regard yet and I am worried he will "stick" himself with a lease he cannot afford (codie in me and I know it's not my problem). He knows what the deadlines are.
Our mutual friend came over from out of town yesterday and oh boy...
AH had this huge conversation with him about "choose your side." It was really ridiculous (he was drunk of course) and unfair to friend. I could've jumped in the conversation a hundred times, but controlled myself, said nothing the whole time and just left the room and went to bed.
My boss just called b/c I made an error at work. I'm trying to keep it together on the job front, but it is getting SO tough. One person there knows my story. I have not been able to sit down with boss yet b/c he's been out of town a lot lately. I mentioned that "I'm having some serious personal problems right now and I know it shouldn't affect my job performance and I'm trying my best." He seemed understanding. I almost burst into tears on the phone when I said that to him.
It's getting really rough around here. I just need some support and encouragement I guess. I'm sure that anyone that has managed to leave the AH in his/her life has gone through a similar experience when "waiting."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
((((mega))))
Yes, I've been in your exact position. My work was suffering, too. What I learned was that when I was honest with people - without looking for pity or turning it into high drama - they responded very well and understood. Acknowledging you're not performing as well as you did in the past is actually a strength, because you state you will improve.
What you are doing now - changing your living situation, etc. - was a very tough time for me. Even though I stayed in our house, the upheavel was awful. And I worried too about how my AH would manage on his own. But like you said, you have to leave that to him.
The friend situation will also work out. There are a couple friends I no longer hear from, but I understand that is probably for the best. In other words, I have learned that taking care of me and not focusing on everyone else has led to a more peaceful and happy life. Which sounds strange when I'm in the middle of a divorce. I apply the tools of keep it simple and let go. Sometimes I say them out loud many times when I feel myself getting anxious.
Just make sure to take really good care of yourself as you go through this stage. With everything going on you can forget that.
Good luck with everything. It will get better.
Yes, I've been in your exact position. My work was suffering, too. What I learned was that when I was honest with people - without looking for pity or turning it into high drama - they responded very well and understood. Acknowledging you're not performing as well as you did in the past is actually a strength, because you state you will improve.
What you are doing now - changing your living situation, etc. - was a very tough time for me. Even though I stayed in our house, the upheavel was awful. And I worried too about how my AH would manage on his own. But like you said, you have to leave that to him.
The friend situation will also work out. There are a couple friends I no longer hear from, but I understand that is probably for the best. In other words, I have learned that taking care of me and not focusing on everyone else has led to a more peaceful and happy life. Which sounds strange when I'm in the middle of a divorce. I apply the tools of keep it simple and let go. Sometimes I say them out loud many times when I feel myself getting anxious.
Just make sure to take really good care of yourself as you go through this stage. With everything going on you can forget that.
Good luck with everything. It will get better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: So Cal
Posts: 41
I actually lost my job as a result of my decision to divorce, but it has turned out to be a blessing. I thought my job was the only constant in my life, the only place I felt safe and supported, but my work was suffering too, and I was missing a ton of time for court appearances, attorney meetings, and I was getting sick all the time. When I was at work I couldn't focus, I was crying all the time, my anxiety was debilitating. My boss needed someone he could count on and I could not be that person. After I was fired I took the opportunity to file for unemployment for a little while and work on my emotional state before looking for another job. I am still in the midst of the divorce too, but I am a lot stronger now. I started my own business and I am happier than ever.
If your job is right for you, then you will keep it and things will be better before you know it. It was just another opportunity for me to learn and grow when I lost mine- I realized that not only am I not defined by my relationships, I am also not defined by my occupation. There is always something better out there when we are ready to receive it.
Hugs & Love,
Susie
If your job is right for you, then you will keep it and things will be better before you know it. It was just another opportunity for me to learn and grow when I lost mine- I realized that not only am I not defined by my relationships, I am also not defined by my occupation. There is always something better out there when we are ready to receive it.
Hugs & Love,
Susie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
oh mega. You're heading in the right direction....don't let it fall apart. I imagine you must feel as if it's starting to already with it getting harder to focus at work, etc.
Take a deep breath....don't let it make you frantic. Refocus on YOU. I know you are but I mean refocus on what matters here.
I'll remind you what matters.
Your job matters. So while you have all these outside things seeming to bog you down, just remember they aren't going anywhere. As your mind starts to wander at work or as you start to feel anxious while at work.....REFOCUS. Drop all the other thoughts just for the time your at work and breath, it'll help you remember.
You also matter. You are doing your part for yourself. Your finding another place to live, etc.
"His stuff", well, it doesn't really matter. Be a mirror with him, not a sponge. I realize you are good at not soaking in his words, anger, etc. But it can get to the best of us even if we don't react to it.
When he's blaming you, reply if you must but reply with a "I understand you feel that I am making your life miserable, it won't be much longer and you will feel better because I won't be around. I want you to be happy."
Right there, you're validating what he's saying while hearing him but you're also giving it back to him. It's very disarming to someone.
Or a "I understand your frustrations, I hear how angry you are. However, I do not want to talk about this right now...." again, it's disarming.
You can do this. You can keep it all together because in the big picture, you already are. Just refocus when you feel stress
Take a deep breath....don't let it make you frantic. Refocus on YOU. I know you are but I mean refocus on what matters here.
I'll remind you what matters.
Your job matters. So while you have all these outside things seeming to bog you down, just remember they aren't going anywhere. As your mind starts to wander at work or as you start to feel anxious while at work.....REFOCUS. Drop all the other thoughts just for the time your at work and breath, it'll help you remember.
You also matter. You are doing your part for yourself. Your finding another place to live, etc.
"His stuff", well, it doesn't really matter. Be a mirror with him, not a sponge. I realize you are good at not soaking in his words, anger, etc. But it can get to the best of us even if we don't react to it.
When he's blaming you, reply if you must but reply with a "I understand you feel that I am making your life miserable, it won't be much longer and you will feel better because I won't be around. I want you to be happy."
Right there, you're validating what he's saying while hearing him but you're also giving it back to him. It's very disarming to someone.
Or a "I understand your frustrations, I hear how angry you are. However, I do not want to talk about this right now...." again, it's disarming.
You can do this. You can keep it all together because in the big picture, you already are. Just refocus when you feel stress
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
Mega,
I suggest you sit and have a talk with your boss. It is difficult to keep things together at work, when personally you feel like your life is falling apart. I imagine he will be understanding.
Do you have any idea where you are going to go? Or what you're going to do? I think it's best for you to go ahead and be making plans of your own, since he is so wishy washy with his own feelings and problems.
I'm not much help, I am sure...but I am thinking of you and concerned. I hope you take care of yourself. K.
I suggest you sit and have a talk with your boss. It is difficult to keep things together at work, when personally you feel like your life is falling apart. I imagine he will be understanding.
Do you have any idea where you are going to go? Or what you're going to do? I think it's best for you to go ahead and be making plans of your own, since he is so wishy washy with his own feelings and problems.
I'm not much help, I am sure...but I am thinking of you and concerned. I hope you take care of yourself. K.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 7
I was going through just what you are going through not so long ago. I left my ex-abf in the begining of April. It is so painful. I felt that the pain was unbearable and I could not get through it. I am feeling better now (still have bad days, and moments) but better. I feel more peaceful and am starting to see things more clearly. ex-abf is still living at the house we lived in, but is leaving this weekend. I went there the other night and was shocked at how eerily empty the house felt. I wanted to run from it.
It is amazing how we get so used to a life of chaos and confusion. We almost forget what it feels like on the other side.
You will get through this. Try to remember that good things can come through change. You are very brave.
It is amazing how we get so used to a life of chaos and confusion. We almost forget what it feels like on the other side.
You will get through this. Try to remember that good things can come through change. You are very brave.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 66
Mega, glad you finally decided that you deserve a better life than he is willing to give you at this time. I myself can't offer too much advise, I'm on my way to the courthouse now to get divorce papers. You are in my prayers and I wish you the best. Let your boss know you need to talk to him and share what you need to of what's going on. As much as we try it's impossible to not let our home lives affect our work. Best wishes! ~Kim
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
When I left my ex-Afiance years ago, it was horrible. Truly and awfully horrible. I was a mess. I couldn't sleep, I had no support network (he'd successfully isolated me), and I could barely hold it together at work.
I finally had to fall back on the 5 minutes at a time thing. I would tell myself "focus on your work for the next 5 minutes, then you can go in the bathroom and have a complete meltdown". Usually I could go 15 minutes, but sometimes it was every 5. As time went on, the length between bathroom meltdowns got longer and longer.
While my boss didn't know any details, I had told him that things were really bad in my personal life (he pretty much guessed that when I would show up for work at 5 am).
If you think your boss would be understanding, and you're ready for it, I would tell him what the situation is. Most reasonable adults would understand and be supportive. Then, if you need to, take it 5 minutes at a time while you're at work. Instead of trying to go a whole 8 hours, break it into smaller increments. Once I started doing that, my work didn't suffer nearly as much (although it did take me longer to complete a task, what with all the running to the bathroom), the tasks themselves got done properly and with few errors.
Remember to keep breathing. As long as you keep breathing, you can work out the other details in time.
I finally had to fall back on the 5 minutes at a time thing. I would tell myself "focus on your work for the next 5 minutes, then you can go in the bathroom and have a complete meltdown". Usually I could go 15 minutes, but sometimes it was every 5. As time went on, the length between bathroom meltdowns got longer and longer.
While my boss didn't know any details, I had told him that things were really bad in my personal life (he pretty much guessed that when I would show up for work at 5 am).
If you think your boss would be understanding, and you're ready for it, I would tell him what the situation is. Most reasonable adults would understand and be supportive. Then, if you need to, take it 5 minutes at a time while you're at work. Instead of trying to go a whole 8 hours, break it into smaller increments. Once I started doing that, my work didn't suffer nearly as much (although it did take me longer to complete a task, what with all the running to the bathroom), the tasks themselves got done properly and with few errors.
Remember to keep breathing. As long as you keep breathing, you can work out the other details in time.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Oh man... BTDT. I was waiting for her to move out of the house. I moved into another bedroom and told her I was filing for divorce. This was after two months of trying to peacefully agree on a property settlement without going ballistic w/ a costly legal battle. With her knowledge I went to see a lawyer to ask specific questions about our situation with the "no blame the bad guy" approach, just here's our situation, here's what I make, here's what she makes, this is when we were married and here's what the house is worth.... what would she be legally entitled to?
She even agreed that that was the smart thing to do because she trusted that I would not try to screw her... in a couple conversations that is. As you can probably imagine there were other conversations with a whole different twist! Anyway, I kept her in the loop of all the conversations with the attorney providing updates as they came. I paid for a PSA to be drawn up and gave it to her to take to an attorney to review. So far so good... right?
The problem was trying to negotiate w/ an active alcoholic whose life is rapidly spiraling out of control. Well things got real ugly before and after she moved out. Fast forward to last October and as it turns out, she got exactly what I told her she was entitled to... a year and a half later AND, minus several thousand dollars to her lawyer. (Oh well)
It's very difficult to be the bigger person during a divorce even when there's no active addiction mucking up the works. You should try to keep your mind on staying safe. Is there someplace you can stay overnight? With a friend or something? Just in case it gets nasty for you there?
I would also take the time to let your boss know exactly what you're going through... with no tears and minimize the drama if you can, (only because he's a man, a woman boss would not see that as a sign of weakness if you cried. I know it sucks but you know how men are). Your boss should know why you're having a tough time for the present. I think he would respect you more if you told him why you're not feeling 100% right now.
Good luck and stay safe!
Vent, vent, vent...
She even agreed that that was the smart thing to do because she trusted that I would not try to screw her... in a couple conversations that is. As you can probably imagine there were other conversations with a whole different twist! Anyway, I kept her in the loop of all the conversations with the attorney providing updates as they came. I paid for a PSA to be drawn up and gave it to her to take to an attorney to review. So far so good... right?
The problem was trying to negotiate w/ an active alcoholic whose life is rapidly spiraling out of control. Well things got real ugly before and after she moved out. Fast forward to last October and as it turns out, she got exactly what I told her she was entitled to... a year and a half later AND, minus several thousand dollars to her lawyer. (Oh well)
It's very difficult to be the bigger person during a divorce even when there's no active addiction mucking up the works. You should try to keep your mind on staying safe. Is there someplace you can stay overnight? With a friend or something? Just in case it gets nasty for you there?
I would also take the time to let your boss know exactly what you're going through... with no tears and minimize the drama if you can, (only because he's a man, a woman boss would not see that as a sign of weakness if you cried. I know it sucks but you know how men are). Your boss should know why you're having a tough time for the present. I think he would respect you more if you told him why you're not feeling 100% right now.
Good luck and stay safe!
Vent, vent, vent...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
i told both of the directors i support that i was encountering some serious personal issues and if my job was not up to speed, that was why. i also let them know if they wanted to know what was going on in more detail that i would share. this was when things were rapidly going downhill after my husband got his DUI. they completely understood and asked nothing more. i was also looking into separation and moving out and we really were not sleeping in the same room either. it's tough but the end result will be worth it for your sanity and serenity. i think you are hadling yourself very well under the tough circumstances!
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
You all are a Godsend!!!!! 
I really needed all of your support today. Rhino Gal-- I'm glad that you started your own business as a result of losing your old job! That is inspirational and there are great things that come from change.
I will continue to focus as best I can at work and if that means having private mini-meltdowns Ginger, then that's what I'll have to do! I also think I really need to sit down with the boss man. He should understand-- he's an older war vet and a very good person. He's probably "seen it all" and I don't think he'll be shocked. He's probably sensed something was up with me for quite some time. I'll make that a priority for Monday.
I just had lunch with my MIL b/c I needed some f2f support. I let her know the latest and I am more than welcome to go stay over there this weekend if things get worse around here. I can also go to my SIL's house. I will stay safe so please don't worry about that.
My apartment manager just kind of blew me away. I was just informed that in order to get off the lease for the upcoming year if AH is STAYING is for him to sign a waiver that dissolves my financial obligation to the lease!!!!
I gave them more than their required 60 day written notice that I WILL NOT BE LIVING HERE. How in the heck can I be held liable when I won't be living here and I gave them the required notice?????? I'm calling legal aid as this does not seem right to me. AH may sign it-- who knows??? I just hate that this is yet ANOTHER complication to deal with.
Ayers-- I'm moving into a one bedroom apartment into a rather secluded apartment complex that is relatively close by. I'm staying in this town and keeping my job. I hope you're OK and good to hear from you.
Sunshine--- thanks for the refocus reminder. I know all of this is for the greater good. It's like I told him, "something this drastic HAS to happen in order for things to 'get better'." Nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm trying my hardest not to be consumed with thoughts of "how will he make it" and "what will he do" b/c it is really NOT my problem anymore. I hope he makes some smart decisions though.
Denny and everyone else that's been through it to the other side... I admire you and will join you soon. It's good to hear that your similar experiences led you to a better, more peaceful place. I can't wait to get there b/c today is bad for me. I'll do my best to make it better though.
THANK YOU.
I really needed all of your support today. Rhino Gal-- I'm glad that you started your own business as a result of losing your old job! That is inspirational and there are great things that come from change. I will continue to focus as best I can at work and if that means having private mini-meltdowns Ginger, then that's what I'll have to do! I also think I really need to sit down with the boss man. He should understand-- he's an older war vet and a very good person. He's probably "seen it all" and I don't think he'll be shocked. He's probably sensed something was up with me for quite some time. I'll make that a priority for Monday.
I just had lunch with my MIL b/c I needed some f2f support. I let her know the latest and I am more than welcome to go stay over there this weekend if things get worse around here. I can also go to my SIL's house. I will stay safe so please don't worry about that.
My apartment manager just kind of blew me away. I was just informed that in order to get off the lease for the upcoming year if AH is STAYING is for him to sign a waiver that dissolves my financial obligation to the lease!!!!
I gave them more than their required 60 day written notice that I WILL NOT BE LIVING HERE. How in the heck can I be held liable when I won't be living here and I gave them the required notice?????? I'm calling legal aid as this does not seem right to me. AH may sign it-- who knows??? I just hate that this is yet ANOTHER complication to deal with.
Do you have any idea where you are going to go? Or what you're going to do? I think it's best for you to go ahead and be making plans of your own, since he is so wishy washy with his own feelings and problems.
Sunshine--- thanks for the refocus reminder. I know all of this is for the greater good. It's like I told him, "something this drastic HAS to happen in order for things to 'get better'." Nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm trying my hardest not to be consumed with thoughts of "how will he make it" and "what will he do" b/c it is really NOT my problem anymore. I hope he makes some smart decisions though.
Denny and everyone else that's been through it to the other side... I admire you and will join you soon. It's good to hear that your similar experiences led you to a better, more peaceful place. I can't wait to get there b/c today is bad for me. I'll do my best to make it better though.
THANK YOU.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
mega, Everyones reply's are very good, so I just want to add, I think you are doing well, for being in this heartbreaking situation. Keep posting, I believe that helps to get it out. Hang on Dear One. LV and HUGS
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