deettah

I was married to someone I thought was a good match for me last May. I have known him for a very long time as a family friend and local hot guy in our dinky little town. I was 29 when we married, he was 37. I knew his past of alcohol abuse, jail stints, arrests, and drug abuse but he had been sober for 3 years and had really turned his life around. He has a daughter from his first marriage and was a great dad, or so I thought. I believed that this man would be a good step-father for my son and that I had finally found someone who understood me. He asked me on our honeymoon why I had so much faith in him, and I told him because he hadn't given me a reason not to have faith. My faith was shattered soon after. He became very verbally abusive during fights, he was demeaning and bullying torwards my son while coddling his daughter, we were seperated last September for 2 weeks and in that time he sought comfort from another woman and drank again. He is text-book co-dependent and is smothering he is so needy. We seperated again over Christmas and he again went to see another woman, and drank. We have now been seperated again, for the longest time, almost two months. For the first 6 weeks, his behavior changed back and forth from sweet and begging to come home, to when I would tell him No, he would lash out and become verbally abusive again. The main reason besides all the others for seperating this time is that on two previous occasions he promised to go to AA and work his program, get a sponsor and work on his codependency, impulsivity and anger. He would do OK for a little while and when he would get comfortable, he would stop going again or make excuses as to why he couldn't go. He was tired, work, ect.....Now for the last 2 weeks he has done what he originally promised by going to AA regularily and he got his sponsor, and seems to be heavily working his program. I am starting to see the man I love come back, I am starting to recognize him again but I am so afraid. he swears all over the place that he will not let me down again. How am I to believe him? What has he given me to stand on here? I guess ultimately I don't believe that he really has a grasp on his issues yet because his sponsor told him to work on himself first and then work on his marriage, that he needed to put it in God's hands. Well, that didn't sink in because he's stilll stopping over unannounced, e-mailing constantly, I had to change my number so he couldn't call 20 times a day. I am wrestling with this. I guess I feel like I made the right decision in asking him to leave and asking for a divorce but at the same time I miss him so much. I don't want to drag my son through that again, I don't want him growing up thinking it's ok to treat people the way his step-dad did. Ugh!

denny57

Welcome deetah

For what it's worth, I think you've done the right thing. Two weeks is not enough time for someone to change a lifetime of behavior. Do you attend Al-Anon? I would highly recommend it as you will meet other people in your situation. If you're on the fence about divorce, that is not a decision that needs to be made immediately. I do believe you've handled it the best way for now. IMHO he should listen to his sponsor.

Rhino Gal

I too think you have done the right thing. It hurts very badly to let go of our dreams, but the pain lessens with time and this way you will be prepared if he does not follow through with his promise. You are a good Mom and I commend you for looking out for yourself and your son first! Stay strong- and if in the end you decide to go through with the divorce, take it from someone who has been there- the pain DOES go away. I think of it like this: Would I rather go through a TEMPORARY period of intense pain while letting go of this unhealthy relationship, or a LIFETIME of heartache by staying?

Hugs to you!

Susie

deettah

Thank you Denny57, I also told him that 2 weeks will not undo what is now 38 years of behavior. I also told him that he has no business making the promises that he is making to me. He can't guarantee anything and if he truly understood his desease, he would know that. I don't attent Al-Anon, there are no groups that I have found way out here in the sticks of MN so I have trying to find other supports like this. I am pretty sure that divorce is iminent. I don't think I could take that chance again, put myself, my son, his daughter and our families through that again. he keeps telling me that I shouldn't worry about what my family thinks but they are very close to me. He doesn't have that with his family, so it's easy for him to say that.

deettah

Susie, that last statement really hit home. Thanks!

sunshine003

deettah

I feel such a connection in your story. Ours is similar....another woman, broken promises, over and over....the behavior towards your son vs his own child, etc....just all of it.

I think you've done the right thing and I also think you know that. Remember something, it's okay to miss him. Not only is it okay but you're going to miss him. But you're missing the "good" you thought you had. Not the reality of what really is. It can be so misleading. I know you want to think all will be as it was and just maybe this time his promises will hold true.

You have no way of knowing that after such a short period of time. Time will give you the answer to whether or not he is serious. You can support him but that doesn't mean you have to have him back in your home while you are uncertain. Time will tell you if he means it.

The worst thing you can do for your son is have the "on again off again." Remember that as you're missing him and thinking about giving into his promises.
Actions speak so much louder than words.

Give it time and focus on yourself. It's easy to say but hard to do as you sit and wonder "is he for real?" Instead ask yourself if you're for real this time. Are you really going to give it the time it takes to see if you can trust for certain that he means it. It's not all in his hands you know, you have to mean what you say.

Good luck and stick around.

Cynay

Welcome to SR... Im sorry that your going through this now but glad that you found us.

I have to agree with the other... My sponsor never allows me to make decisions quickly... the last time I thought of getting back with my ex-abf she told me to give it six months no contact and see what happens.... guess what, I did and his true colors showed.

What Im say is you do not have to be "pressured" to make any decision right now, sober for 2 weeks is nothing and I would not put myself or my child into that situation again till I was very sure. That does not mean you have to divorce, you could file a legal seperation (your financial safety) and leave it alone ..... Sponsors usually say to not change anything for the first year, so if your seperated now it would be a perfect time to work on yourself and he can work on his recovery....

Also you should remember too, you only have one year invested in the marriage.... Imagine if this was going on for 15 or 20 years.... it is a progressive disease.

megamysterioso

It's natural and fine to be skeptical and according to your post, he has failed you over and over before. I think you are making the right decision and as the others said, it will take a lot of time to "undo" the hurt and pain caused by alcoholism. Please focus on yourself and do what's best for you and your child. The cycle of pain will go on and on until one of you decides to get off the ride. Best of luck to you.

deettah

It's hard for me to see AH so confused but I had gotten to the point where I no longer recognized myself either. I was angry all the time, I was always feeling anxious and suffocated, constantly worried about my son's mental health and feeling guilty because he was being drug through it with no say in the matter. I NEED to get off that ride, no matter how hard.

mallowcup

It takes so much energy, so much strength to start over with him or without him. Once infidelity enters into it, it's too late.

megamysterioso

Yes you do and it will be difficult. I'm going through a split with my AH right now and I'm having to live with him for at least another month before I can get out. It is anything BUT easy. It will be worth it in the end though. When you begin to not recognize yourself any longer, that's when it's time to reevaluate your entire relationship and yourself. Best of luck to you and you can do anything you want where there is a will.