New to the board....I don't know what to do anymore

Old 04-27-2006, 09:22 PM
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Unhappy New to the board....I don't know what to do anymore

Hi there everyone. I was fortunate enough to find this website tonight due to the fact that I couldn't sleep. I am 19 and my mom is an alcoholic.

My mom has been drinking all of my life, but it has gotten worse over the past three years. I currently live on my own (she is emotionally abusive and I didn't want to live there) and I have a 15 year old brother who lives with my dad.

Anyway, during the past six months she has left my dad and tried to commit suicide two or three times. Her last attempt was this past weekend. After a 72 hour stay in the hospital they released her, and then yesterday my mom did something I never thought she would do.

My parents took out life insurance policies on my brother and myself when we were born. Mine was in my moms name and my brothers was in my dad's name. Well, it turns out that my mom cashed in my life insurance policy. We were always told growing up that whenever we wanted to cash in on these policies, the money would be mine and my brothers'. So I called my mom and told her I had the check. She agreed to meet me at the bank to put it into my account where she attacked me in the parking lot, keyed my car, and cut my arms and assaulted me.

I know this sounds really out there, but trust me.....I'm not exaggerating even a little bit. I just don't know what to do. I love my mom so much and I have tried to be as supportive as I can....I just don't know how to rebound from this. It has seriously affected me, and I am just stuck.

Can someone please try to shed some light for me?
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Old 04-28-2006, 05:06 AM
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Welcome,

My alcoholic(s) are my Mom, Cousin and ex-bf.

I will focus on my Mom. She has been drinking for 60 years, yes, you heard me right. She is now 80 and to this date has never stopped for a day.
I know what you are going thru. I moved out at 18, forged my own way. Lots of bumps in the road for me, bad choices of men. All have been addicted to something.

Her actions have effected my entire life. There have been times I did not talk to her, once for 4 years, once for 10 years. For me, they were the happiest times of my life.

We made up again about 4 years ago, I had my bounderies set. I stick to them.
Two are:

If you are drunk, don't call me...I will hang up
If you are drunk, don't come over...I will ask you to leave

She is too old to push me around, yet she can still be verbally abusive.

All I can offer is to work on you. Detach, set your bounderies and stick to them.
I have found SR to be a great help to me. I do attend meetings. I have been in therapy on and off throughout my life.

I feel your pain, I've been there.

I love my Mom too, yet I know she will die with a drink in her hand...I accept that. I cannot help her...she doesn't want to be sober.

Keep posting and reading.

Dolly
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Old 04-28-2006, 07:37 AM
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First off, there is nothing you can do to help your mom. You mom doesn't want help, at least not right now. The only thing you can do is protect yourself as best as possible.

Did you file a police report after she assaulted you? I know it sounds harsh, but if you really want to help your mom, she's going to need to hit rock bottom. Protecting her from her own behavior will not help her, that's called 'enabling'.

The fact that she's tried to commit suicide means she's either hitting rock bottom and has no idea where to turn, or she's truly that depressed. Getting the authorities involved might actually HELP your mom. For one, when in jail, she won't be able to drink. For another, the courts may require her to go to AA or into rehab.

If she doesn't stop drinking it is NOT your fault. You do not force her to drink, you do not buy it for her or pour it down her throat.

If she commits suicide, that is also NOT your fault. Your mother is damaged (as well all are to one extent or another), and she may simply not be able to handle the world anymore. But her damage did not come from you.

This is a situation which is largely out of your control. If you can come to peace with that, you may be able to save yourself a lot of damage to you.

As for filing a police report and pressing charges, it would take a tremendous amount of courage to do that. I would totally understand if you didn't. But...if you did, here's a framework to think about: you are doing this not to be spiteful or mean or vindictive, you are doing it because you love your mom and you're scared for her. You are doing it not to punish her, but hopefully to force her to get help. As long as your actions come from a place of love, and not from a place of fear or meanness, then you're on the right track, no matter what she says to you.

We're here to support each other. Everyone posting on this board is here for a reason, and many of them are very similar.

Your mothers behavior does not strike me as unbelievable at all. It strikes me as the desperate acts of a desperate woman who feels she has nothing left to lose.

The best you can do is protect yourself emotionally (and physically), and accept that her damage is not your damage, that you did not cause it, and that you are powerless over it.

I am so sorry to hear you're going through this.
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Old 04-28-2006, 07:45 AM
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Originally Posted by whatsername
I love my mom so much and I have tried to be as supportive as I can....I just don't know how to rebound from this. It has seriously affected me, and I am just stuck.

Hey Whatser,

First, I want you to know that I believe you. My situation is a little different (more verbal/emotional/psychological mind games than actual physical abuse), but still more the same than not.

What struck me about this statement you made is that you say you love your mom so much...but, one thing I've learned since being in program is that I have to love myself first.

I constantly remind myself of the SCUBA rescuing scenario I once learned about. The rule is that if you have to rescue someone underwater and there is only one tank of oxygen, the rescuer must take the oxygen first, in order to have the strength to provide any help at all to the victim. So, I'd like to tell you, TAKE THE OXYGEN...that's one of the first and best things you can do.

She's obviously very sick, but I'll borrow a line from Al-anon...you didn't cause it, you can't cure it. You can still love someone without allowing them to pull you into their drama...take some "time off." Even if it is only for a few months to pull yourself together.

Check out some more support-type groups. Is there an Al-anon or al-ateen or ACOA group meeting in your area? How about a Codependents anonymous? You don't have to talk...but it's amazing what a relief it can be when we realize that others really do understand and really do care.

"Did you wake up today? Then, it's not too late" --Maya Angelou
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Old 04-28-2006, 09:18 AM
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Hello Whatser, and welcome aboard

I'm sorry to hear about your Mom. I know how crazy-making it can be to have a loved one in the disease of addiction. In addition to all the excellent suggestions other folks have made you may also want to check out the "Friends and Family" and "Nar-Anon" forums right here on this board. Lots of great information there that can help you help yourself and your Mom.

Mike
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Old 05-02-2006, 06:19 PM
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It's hard to deal with an alcoholic parent.
My dad is now in full blown alcoholism.
It's been getting wrost and worst. i don't think he's going
to be a functioning alki much longer.
The insanity and chaos that I would had never dreamed of
of my parents.

There's really noting i can do. For my dad.
He said he's seeing professional help.
He health is affect now
His doctor pretty much suggested AA, but as most alki in denial
would do is deem that they're different or too good, too smart
for AA or recovery. Yet he fits all the symtoms, traits writen in the
AA big book to the key. He say he would go to meetings.
I even suggested to him different meetings that he could attend
that i didn't attend. I can't make him go.

My mother is in so much pain or turmoil..she's a codi to the max.
Seeing my mother run out of her home 2 a.m . in the morning
in tears telling my dad to leave her along, strikes me at home
also. The many , many nights of chaos living with my GF.
I know her pain and suffering. Yet how can a mother or parents
take suggestions for their son, who was deem to be the blacksheep
of the family or rather from my stand piont, the lost child.
My parents didn't listen or heard me as a child to begin with.
I don't belive they're going to start listening to me now.

My parents are not educated/informed or understand about the disease
of alcoholism. They are having a hard time accepting or coping.

I came into recovery since I was 22. I'm curently 39.

It just so happen that I was working on my childhood inventory.
As an adult in recovery. I'm able to see clearer.
It was hard, yet it was a break through for me.
I would ocasionally fall back into my old thinking, beliefs, behaviors.
I'm more awear of them. I try to work on myself to the best of my
abilty.

I just pray for my parents.
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Old 05-03-2006, 12:13 PM
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hey whatsername.
I think i can kind of fit in your boat a little easier....im 20 y/o with an alcoholic mom also. My father is one too but he tends to just dissapear. My mother on the other hand is extremely emotionally abusive ...and at times physically. At our age this is probably the hardest time to deal with it. In my eyes. I mean weith school and work and relationships it feels liek everything is coming in on you at once. About your life insurance check...my mother did a similar ting to me except i didnt know about it...it was our college fund and everytime my mother felt the need for another bottle guess where it came out of if my father didnt hand her some cash. It hurts more than anything but unfortunatly theres nothing anyone can do. I love my mother more than anyone in this world. Shes one of the only people i can tell everything too...but at the same time i hate her soo much for what she has put me and my 4 siblings through. I myslef just realized after going to a counselor for A.Children that i need to move out myself. Good for you your already on the right track! if you need anyone to talk to please contact me! im new at this and it seems ur the only one my age haha.
goodluck and best wishes!
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