AH and Granddaughters - Please need advise
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
AH and Granddaughters - Please need advise
I need some advise: 
I’ve been on this site for awhile now - mostly trying to resolve my issues with my AH. I did not think about how my AH drinking as effected others in the family - until now!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday a situation came up.
My daughter was at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital with Destiny (14) (has cancer), for a blood transfusion. Our 2nd granddaughter , Brittany (12) , was at home alone. She hates to be alone in the house so she called me at work just to talk. Well I knew what was up, but I could not just stop working to go and get her. I told Brittany I would call her Papa and he would come and stay with her until her mother gets home from the hospital. Brittany told me no she did not want Papa to stay with her - will my heart fell. Brittany has always been a Papa’s girl: planting the garden, doing yard work - she drives the tractor etc. They have been buddies for 12 years. When I left my AH in 6-2005 Brittany was the one I worried about the most.
Here is the problem. After my conversation with Brittany I called my daughter and asked her about Papa going to stay with Brittany . My daughter told me: Brittany & Destiny don’t want Papa around them - they can smell the beer & liquor. Both girls don’t even want to talk with him anymore - they don’t want him to come to their home and they don’t want to go to his home - dirty & smells. Our daughter does not want the girls around him or go anywhere with Papa because of his drinking. My heart just broke 1st for my granddaughters and what they have lost - they should not have to go through this. Papa was always there for them (the girls father drives over the road Sunday - Friday). The girls, without even a 2nd thought, would call Papa at any moment of the day to come and get them, or come and get them and take them wherever they had to go - he was dependable. 2nd my heart broke for my AH, what he has lost and does not even know it yet. As always:: if we all keep our mouths shut about his drinking and not bring up his drinking than things are cool - he can carry on, laugh & joke. AH has noticed a change in the granddaughters attitude lately and asked me what’s wrong with them - I don’t live near them and my relationship with girls has not changed at all, so I told AH I have not noticed any changes. Last night I did sit and reflect back on things and was very hurt and upset with what I recalled
Brittany (12) is a 2nd child to her sibling, Destiny (14) is blonde hair-blue eyes- straight A’s-cheerleader- tons of friends -always had the attention from teachers / friends parents and now she has cancer. I hate to say it but Destiny can be the biggest, child, manipulator I’ve ever known.
Brittany has always wanted to be near family, she would stay at our home every and any chance she could - but she had to be home on Saturdays when her daddy come in from work, loves holidays with family, loves to talk with the youngest child in the family to the oldest person in our family. Now with Destiny having cancer she has taken over all Destiny’s chores with out compliant. AH went to impatient treatment, 6 weeks, when Destiny was 18 months old, both girls has never know or seen Papa drink.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what needs to be done. Do I let my AH know what’s going on, tell him how his granddaughters feel or just stay out of it - which will break my heart not to get this resolved for the girls? I’m not wanting to tell AH the above for any other reason but to let him know what’s going on with the granddaughters. His drinking has caused emotional problems for 2 granddaughters that don’t deserve to be hurt. He knows there is a problem with the girls - I guess he’s avoiding thinking about it and the problem will go away, or like our relationship “give it time and things will be better“. AH would never talk about problems, he would just wait a few days and than think everything was fine again - That was my down fall for not standing up to him - I let him get away with a lot and things between us that were never resolved. What steps do I need to take, if any, regarding the granddaughters. Do I let my daughter handle this situation - she has already told me she has washed her hands of her father. When it comes to my granddaughters he has played his last game - yes I'm very upset with him and his selfishness. This dam drinking is like a rock dropped into water - the ripple effect extents further than we all know.
Oh by the way I went and picked up Brittany at 3:00, we went out to eat & shopping. We had a great time
. I talked to her about being a 2nd child, as I was. She was surprised I knew what she was going through. But I told her “She would be a better person later in life for it”
I’ve been on this site for awhile now - mostly trying to resolve my issues with my AH. I did not think about how my AH drinking as effected others in the family - until now!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday a situation came up.
My daughter was at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital with Destiny (14) (has cancer), for a blood transfusion. Our 2nd granddaughter , Brittany (12) , was at home alone. She hates to be alone in the house so she called me at work just to talk. Well I knew what was up, but I could not just stop working to go and get her. I told Brittany I would call her Papa and he would come and stay with her until her mother gets home from the hospital. Brittany told me no she did not want Papa to stay with her - will my heart fell. Brittany has always been a Papa’s girl: planting the garden, doing yard work - she drives the tractor etc. They have been buddies for 12 years. When I left my AH in 6-2005 Brittany was the one I worried about the most.
Here is the problem. After my conversation with Brittany I called my daughter and asked her about Papa going to stay with Brittany . My daughter told me: Brittany & Destiny don’t want Papa around them - they can smell the beer & liquor. Both girls don’t even want to talk with him anymore - they don’t want him to come to their home and they don’t want to go to his home - dirty & smells. Our daughter does not want the girls around him or go anywhere with Papa because of his drinking. My heart just broke 1st for my granddaughters and what they have lost - they should not have to go through this. Papa was always there for them (the girls father drives over the road Sunday - Friday). The girls, without even a 2nd thought, would call Papa at any moment of the day to come and get them, or come and get them and take them wherever they had to go - he was dependable. 2nd my heart broke for my AH, what he has lost and does not even know it yet. As always:: if we all keep our mouths shut about his drinking and not bring up his drinking than things are cool - he can carry on, laugh & joke. AH has noticed a change in the granddaughters attitude lately and asked me what’s wrong with them - I don’t live near them and my relationship with girls has not changed at all, so I told AH I have not noticed any changes. Last night I did sit and reflect back on things and was very hurt and upset with what I recalled
Brittany (12) is a 2nd child to her sibling, Destiny (14) is blonde hair-blue eyes- straight A’s-cheerleader- tons of friends -always had the attention from teachers / friends parents and now she has cancer. I hate to say it but Destiny can be the biggest, child, manipulator I’ve ever known.
Brittany has always wanted to be near family, she would stay at our home every and any chance she could - but she had to be home on Saturdays when her daddy come in from work, loves holidays with family, loves to talk with the youngest child in the family to the oldest person in our family. Now with Destiny having cancer she has taken over all Destiny’s chores with out compliant. AH went to impatient treatment, 6 weeks, when Destiny was 18 months old, both girls has never know or seen Papa drink.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what needs to be done. Do I let my AH know what’s going on, tell him how his granddaughters feel or just stay out of it - which will break my heart not to get this resolved for the girls? I’m not wanting to tell AH the above for any other reason but to let him know what’s going on with the granddaughters. His drinking has caused emotional problems for 2 granddaughters that don’t deserve to be hurt. He knows there is a problem with the girls - I guess he’s avoiding thinking about it and the problem will go away, or like our relationship “give it time and things will be better“. AH would never talk about problems, he would just wait a few days and than think everything was fine again - That was my down fall for not standing up to him - I let him get away with a lot and things between us that were never resolved. What steps do I need to take, if any, regarding the granddaughters. Do I let my daughter handle this situation - she has already told me she has washed her hands of her father. When it comes to my granddaughters he has played his last game - yes I'm very upset with him and his selfishness. This dam drinking is like a rock dropped into water - the ripple effect extents further than we all know.
Oh by the way I went and picked up Brittany at 3:00, we went out to eat & shopping. We had a great time
. I talked to her about being a 2nd child, as I was. She was surprised I knew what she was going through. But I told her “She would be a better person later in life for it”
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Your granddaughter who is going through her cancer treatments must be having a rough time, too. I get the impression from your post that you have some problems with your older granddaughter, and may have had some problems of your own growing up the 2nd child. I was a second child, too. My mother did show preferential treatment to my sister (my sister acknoweledges this, too, and actually feels quite guilty about it) and at times played us against each other. For a long time I resented my sister for it. Thank god I got therapy and realized my sister had nothing to do with it, though as children she sometimes used it to her advantage. We have a bit of work to do - adults sure can do a lot of damage to children, sometimes unwittingly.
It's a shame your granddaughters don't want to be around your AH due to his drinking. I would think he probably already realizes it. Do you think it would be helpful if you brought it up to him? If so, it might be worth having the discussion. If not, it might be best to just focus on you and your grandchildren for now.
Good luck.
It's a shame your granddaughters don't want to be around your AH due to his drinking. I would think he probably already realizes it. Do you think it would be helpful if you brought it up to him? If so, it might be worth having the discussion. If not, it might be best to just focus on you and your grandchildren for now.
Good luck.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
His asking, he knows something isn't right. Denial will carry him for a bit but the thought does stay around. Just as in all things...he will deal with it or ignore it.
For me, the realization of the lost relationship with my own children laid heavy on my heart. I have shared with others what they are giving up by continueing their actions that are negative (shared once) No need to repeat as it is something that returns to thought often.
He sees it and is thinking on it. It may be best to just let him continue to think on it and deal with it as he will. The choices remain in his hands.
For me, the realization of the lost relationship with my own children laid heavy on my heart. I have shared with others what they are giving up by continueing their actions that are negative (shared once) No need to repeat as it is something that returns to thought often.
He sees it and is thinking on it. It may be best to just let him continue to think on it and deal with it as he will. The choices remain in his hands.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I am so sorry...I have recently been thru a similar thing with AH and our children (who are 18yr and almost 24yr) We don't live with AH, haven't for a long time..as much the kids choice as his or mine (all because of this A behavior). It is heartbreaking to be see,etc......I still try to protect AH's feelings a bit I am afraid when I say...."talk to them about it", because they have stopped trying and he doesn't (seem) to get it; but it IS between them and me getting in the middle in the past just made me an easier target for him to blame. This ups the ante. If I would say, "they are afraid of you", or "they don't want to,etc" it would be so much easier for him to make it about me....BTDT. The kids are old enough and learned enough for me to bow out....physically they are not in danger. It is still hard to watch...not to "fix things"...haha, like I could..NOT!
Maybe this is a blessing in disguise....for your AH, for mine. Maybe these children will be able to put the spotlight on the problem in a way that may possibly break their blindness.........we can only hope and pray that could happen.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family.....I am sorry you have to go through all this heartache.
Maybe this is a blessing in disguise....for your AH, for mine. Maybe these children will be able to put the spotlight on the problem in a way that may possibly break their blindness.........we can only hope and pray that could happen.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family.....I am sorry you have to go through all this heartache.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
If I remember correctly, not long ago your daughter and granddaughters wouldn't have anything to do with you because you left your husband. What has made this big difference with them? As to your question, if he has asked you if you know why they are treating him differently, I would tell him the truth. Put the ball in his court and let him figure out what he wants to do about it.
Jo
Jo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
JoJo
I’m replying to your statement ““If I remember correctly, not long ago your daughter and granddaughters wouldn't have anything to do with you because you left your husband. What has made this big difference with them? “”
The difference between my daughter and I occurred in 11-2005 , my granddaughter, age 13 at the time, was diagnosed with a rare cancer. She has under gone 7 chemo treatments and has 7 more to go. Survival for her at this time is unknown - due to there are no stats on her type of cancer - she is the 14th child in the world to be diagnosed with this cancer and only 1 of 5 currently alive and under treatment. There is a time in ones life you have stop, make amends and help where help is needed.
I did not care for your statement at all, I felt it was a smart remark and very rude. If you would have read clearly my first statements was related to my granddaughter at the hospital for a blood transfusion. That should have given you a clue something was going on within the family.
Do not reply to anymore of my threads. You type of compassion and understanding is not needed on my end. As you know every day with an alcoholic bring all of us some new crisis. I come to this site to vent, get constructive feedback and ask for assistance on how to deal with a new situation/problem.
To other’s reading my thread my apologies for the above. But the questionable statement made just did not set right with me. Times have been hard and this new situation is very emotional for myself and granddaughters.
I’m replying to your statement ““If I remember correctly, not long ago your daughter and granddaughters wouldn't have anything to do with you because you left your husband. What has made this big difference with them? “”
The difference between my daughter and I occurred in 11-2005 , my granddaughter, age 13 at the time, was diagnosed with a rare cancer. She has under gone 7 chemo treatments and has 7 more to go. Survival for her at this time is unknown - due to there are no stats on her type of cancer - she is the 14th child in the world to be diagnosed with this cancer and only 1 of 5 currently alive and under treatment. There is a time in ones life you have stop, make amends and help where help is needed.
I did not care for your statement at all, I felt it was a smart remark and very rude. If you would have read clearly my first statements was related to my granddaughter at the hospital for a blood transfusion. That should have given you a clue something was going on within the family.
Do not reply to anymore of my threads. You type of compassion and understanding is not needed on my end. As you know every day with an alcoholic bring all of us some new crisis. I come to this site to vent, get constructive feedback and ask for assistance on how to deal with a new situation/problem.
To other’s reading my thread my apologies for the above. But the questionable statement made just did not set right with me. Times have been hard and this new situation is very emotional for myself and granddaughters.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
HadtoLeave -
I'm sorry that you took my question as "smart and rude." It was not intended that way. I was quite sure that at a time like what your family is going through that you all would be able to put the other issue behind you. I simply wondered why they were feeling as they do towards your husband now. I won't take offense at your rudeness because I can only imagine just how hard the illness of your granddaughter is for you.
Jo
I'm sorry that you took my question as "smart and rude." It was not intended that way. I was quite sure that at a time like what your family is going through that you all would be able to put the other issue behind you. I simply wondered why they were feeling as they do towards your husband now. I won't take offense at your rudeness because I can only imagine just how hard the illness of your granddaughter is for you.
Jo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
AH and granddaughters
Please Don't Patronize Me.
"""I won't take offense at your rudeness because I can only imagine just how hard the illness of your granddaughter is for you.""
Your right you can only imagine. I said nothing that was rude.
You did not read again: issues were put behind us
The AH is a drunk that the girls don't know how to handle.
Don't respond please
"""I won't take offense at your rudeness because I can only imagine just how hard the illness of your granddaughter is for you.""
Your right you can only imagine. I said nothing that was rude.
You did not read again: issues were put behind us
The AH is a drunk that the girls don't know how to handle.
Don't respond please
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
You've got alot of nerve, lady. Just because you misunderstood my response to you, you felt that you not only needed to send me a PM but you decided to berate me here. I hope that gave you alot of satisfaction. You ignore me and I'll ignore you!!
Jo
Jo
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Remember "TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE THE REST."
When you post you may get some responses you don't want to hear, that is part of it. When you reply here it can be taken the wrong way, that is part of it also.
TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AN LEAVE THE REST!
When you post you may get some responses you don't want to hear, that is part of it. When you reply here it can be taken the wrong way, that is part of it also.
TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AN LEAVE THE REST!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
Remember "TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE THE REST."
When you post you may get some responses you don't want to hear, that is part of it. When you reply here it can be taken the wrong way, that is part of it also.
TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AN LEAVE THE REST!
When you post you may get some responses you don't want to hear, that is part of it. When you reply here it can be taken the wrong way, that is part of it also.
TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AN LEAVE THE REST!
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