Beachbabe

Lets write a story together and just see how it flows.

I'll start:

Before I used drugs, I was scared to even take an aspirin. A half a beer and I was tipsy. I was 28 before I even started experimenting but I certainly made up for lost time.

I have taken almost everything you can think of except the really hard stuff, as of yet. But everyday is a struggle I...

Clark

. . .really haven't given any serious thought to quitting--to tell you the truth I don't think I COULD quit--what else would I have to look forward to in life if I couldn't get high?

One thing that worries me, though, is that I have to keep using more and more in order to get the same high--and even then, it doesn't quite get me where I want to go . . .

Beachbabe

... no matter what or how much I use. This will eventually lead to an OD or other event that might hurt or effect someones elses life.

I know there are ways to fill my time and my life will be different when Im clean. All I see in doom and nothing to look forward to but as as addict that cant score a buzz what am I chasing anyway? I might as well start chasing sobriety because if not...

2stop

if I didn't embrace and work at sobriety/recovery all I was really doing was busy dying..........death will come in it's own destined time. I wanted to LIVE, really LIVE before I died.
I figured if I had chosen to LIVE....might as well do it up right! Get as much out of it as possible.
For a very long time all I wanted to do was DIE, at at the very least numb the he$$ outta the pain of reality and failed attempts at meeting my definitons of success..........
But I found a better way.....and it includes feeling.....everything!it sucked at first......so bad......BUT.............today...........

splendra

what will I find at the bottom of the barrel of my addiction? Most likely a lot of shame, pain and emptyness. I want to quit using because I know I am good enough and I have lots of love in my heart and I want to be free to give that love that I have kept locked away and to be able to receive the love that I have blocked.

Beachbabe

...because as addict we do detach, not allowed to be more devoted to anything else that you are your addiction. I know I give far more hugs now. I dont receive anymore than before but certainly realize now that Im clean, I need many more.

As many as I can get!

Boredom isnt like I thought it would be in sobriety. Im too 'ok' to be bored. I find things to do now rather than just hanging out high. When it comes to those addicts that are scared of boredom because 'without drugs, what else is there'? I have one thing to say and its very simple... Life.

You dont live as an addict, you're dead and rotting as you exist, only a matter of time.

So when I get restless I: play with my parrot, come here and ask ya'll to play with me for a bit, learned to cross-stitch depite the fact Im fairly young, remember to play with my four boys and...

Clark

But I'll tell you one thing--I'm a very proud, intelligent, and independent person--I'm sure not going to any of those goofy "meetings" with a bunch of smelly winos. I'll just quit on my own . . .just as soon as I'm sure I'm ready.

Clark

Well, I used again last night--guess I didn't get enough of those hugs--maybe I WILL have to think about some kind of a "program"--but a friend of mine went to some of those meetings and she told me it's just a bunch of dirty old men trying to get into her knickers--I don't know what to think . . .

splendra

Yea I can listen to all the rumors about 12 step programs but I do owe it to myself to try and find a group that I can work my stuff out in. There are many groups in my area:

NA, AA, Alanon, Naranon, Co Anon, Adult Child of Alcoholics(ACOA) and if I look araound at all of these different meetings I am likely to find a group that I feel like I can relate too all of them treat addiction. Yea this time I might decide to not listen to the rumors and keep looking at the different meetings until something finally rings my bell...

Beachbabe

because programs are very important to some in recovery. Crucial even. I have heard such stories and went to a few meetings and it wasnt for me BUT I APPRECIATE the programs and respect them.

I simply cant pretend to do the steps such as 'realize I am powerless over drugs and alcohol'. For me, that isnt the case. I dont want/need or crave. Hell, didnt even know what I was taking for 10 yrs was addictive. So, I never developed addict behavior (counting, running out and having to get more, ect.). This probably helped me greatly in my recovery and Im thankful for not having and rituals or habits I had to break.

Dealing with all of the feelings is what I struggle most with.

I believe all people should try a program ESPECIALLY if you have already tried and your way didnt work. I am trying my way, alone with SR and I have no need to be high ever again and Im very proud of that.

There are many problems/issues with using online support for help. For one, there is no real accountability so you have to be very brutally honest with yourself and everyone. If I have an advil, I tell it.

I told myself, please try a program at least once and if you dont like that one, go to another place... they are all different and...

Clark

. . .and another girlfriend said I should try a meeting of just women, but I know that wouldn't work because I don't get along very well with women. I like to be around GUYS! Besides, I just bought a new dress and have noplace else to wear it . . .

Beachbabe

... however, common sense tells me the last place we need to look for love in new recovery is anywhere lol much less within the rooms of NA and AA. The last thing an addict needs is an addict partner if that can be avoided. Get two of us together and that could lead to more problems than I have now.

Getting along with girls can often be a problem but many of the girls here are loving and compassionate and they are members of such programs so I know I will meet cool girls. Besides, male/female sponsorships are usually not an option, although it would make me feel better around a guy because...

Clark

. . .guys always like me and give me stuff. You know what? I want to a meeting and had a REALLY COOL time--all the CUTE GUYS were sneaking peeks at me, if you know what I mean . . .and then this REALLY CUTE GUY was asking me out after the meeting when this old prune-face b@tch woman came up and asked me if I thought my "emphasis was in the right place". I don't even know what she was talking about--HOW PUSHY--I just brushed her off and went to meet Lance (he's my new NA boyfriend). We're gonna go out--I don't mind paying since he's gonna pay me back when he gets his paycheck in a few days.

Funny, though, I thought I heard another guy ask him if he had started looking for a job yet . . . I must have misunderstood . . .