JessicaNAJ

It's a good book. I have a very different opinion of it now than I did the last time I picked it up and started to read it. Why??

I have been doing what everyone else thought was best for me. I was trying to move on. That kept me in step...or continuing to dance....back and forth, around and around we go.

I'm now making decisions for me. I'm doing what I feel is in my best interest.

I'm not ready to let go. I know that is not what the majority rule is, I know there are a lot of critics who think otherwise, but I'm not ready. Not mentally or emotionally. Its too hard. I leaped before I was ready. I am not ashamed to admit that to myself or anyone else.

I'm waking up each morning as it is a new day. I am trying to not dwell on the past. One day at a time, right?

I am probably preventing G from hitting his bottom, maybe he already has. It's not for me to decide. All I can do is what I think is best for me right now...and the kids. I've been depressed since the beginning of this year...b/c I thought I lost him. HOW IS THIS GOOD FOR MY KIDS? I wasn't ready.

Al-Anon, counseling and my books will get me through this. I'm reading Getting Them Sober and contrary to what I thought the first time I read it, this book is not about him.....it's about me doing what is best for me.

I'm a new person....I have matured since we've been seperated. I cannot dictate to him what he can and cannot do, but I tell him what I will and will not tolerate and I can learn to do that in a way that I will not feel guilty, or blame myself in the future (that future being tomorrow or next year).

Today I feel no shame. I am comfortable with my choices and know that ANYTHING can happen tomorrow. But that will be another day and I will deal with it then.

I CAN ONLY CONTINUE TO GROW AND LEARN and I believe this is the path I need to take so I can FREELY move on with my life....whether that be with him or without him.

love you all

cwohio

((jess)) we all have to move forward in our own time. keep at your recovery!

brightlight

Very Good!!!

minnie

Jess, all I ever hoped you would do was make an active choice. And you have - I am so proud of you. You have thought it through and decided what's best for you today. What more can you ask of yourself?

gelfling

Doin' good girl!!!

StandingStrong

I think that often times we aren't really ready to do what we want to do, feel we should do, or even do as others believe that we should. If we felt ready - I'd think that many of us would have walked away from our A's a long time ago.
As long as YOU are happy and YOUR life is the focus, that is what matters Jessica. I wish you well on your journey. As Aerosmith's song says "Life is a journey, not a destination". Keep growing - but most of all I wish you peace and happiness.

Pick-a-name

Hi,Jessica...great to hear from you! Glad you sound so good!

I love the Getting Them Sober books and the forum on the website........it's helped me the most I think, for just the reasons you stated. My recovery is about ME and I need not feel shame or guilt for not being farther along in my recovery than others are..it is a process.

Hope you and your kids (and G) are well.

JessicaNAJ

I thought I was ready. 2 years ago I thought I could just get on with my life. but then I had some very strong outside influences. No one ever told me that moving on would be so hard. I just couldn't break through the barrier. I have to get over the guilt and blame that I put on myself.....and I have to stop putting myself in situations where I open myself up to guilt and blame.

G may never change, but I will. And I will do this regardless if he is with me or not.

FormerDoormat

I know others are probably thinking this as well, so I'll be the first to say it.

I'm assuming this means that, upon learning G. was about to become homeless, you took him back in. I thought that was the case when you stopped posting for a while. Am I correct in assuming this? If this is true, how is inviting a serious alcoholic back into your home good for your kids? How is inviting chaos back into your life "what's best" for you?

As I recall, you were separated from G. when you joined this forum, or you separated from him shortly thereafter. Nobody pushed you into that decision. It was yours, and yours alone.

As an outsider looking in, it appears to me that while you were separated from G and G wanted to return, you were happy because you were in control of the situation--the one in charge.

But then somewhere along the line, G apparently decided that he was tired of waiting and he was ready to move on. That's when you panicked. That's when the temper tantrums began. That's when you began the desperate daily postings on SR. Why? Because you felt you'd lost control--over G.

But apparently, things worked out according to your plan, Jess. G was about to become homeless and you were there to rescue him. That puts you right back in the driver's seat--the place where you're the most comfortable.

I'd ask you what you're afraid of, but I'll take a guess. I think you're afraid that you would not be able to control a healthy partner. This isn't about "what's best for you." It's about control. I know it is and you know it is. You can't get healthy unless you're willing to lift your veil of denial.

If this is the way you choose to live your life, then I wish you well. But then you need to realize this is a conscious choice and quit complaining about how miserable you are.

I guess in this situation, I'd be more pleased to hear you're reading a book on learning how to detach from a loved one's addiction as opposed to a book entitled "Getting Them Sober."

jimhere

If they could've gotten me sober, I'm sure they would have. God knows they tried. Between my drinking and them trying to get me sober, just about killed us all in the process.

denny57

So, Jess - are you blaming everyone else for the last 2 years? I don't think it's about majority rule, etc. You made a choice. I've learned when I've made a choice to state it clearly and carry on. Not point to everyone else and say you made me act the way I was acting. I'm going to sound like someone's grandmother here, but life is hard. And as my grandmother used to say, get over it. She was very popular LOL.

Good luck with whatever decisions you make. They are yours to make and own and you don't owe anyone here an explanation. Hope to hear how it's going.

Pick-a-name

For those of you who haven't read any of these books; the name is "tongue-in-cheek". It Is totally about learning to take the focus off "them" and putting it back on you and your own life.....written by an addictions counselor for family members (from an alcoholic family) and trainer of counselors in this field for years at Johns Hopkins (I believe!) who has been in Alanon for her entire adult life (from what is gleaned from her writings,etc) and stressing seeking help at Alanon,Alateen and Alatot. That is one of the major re-occuring themes in her book.

These books are also recommended by M. Beattie, author of Codependent No More.

I assume that it was a "hook" of sorts for codies to pick up the book. It also states the three C's but states that the most realistic way for someone to "help" an addicted loved one, is to first get help for themself, then if the A doesn't want to be left behind,that person may choose recovery for themself,too.

It is completely about detatching with love,setting boundaries, and re-gaining our own "self".

If you are interested, see: http://www.GettingThemSober.com

I thought that this should be clarified. These books are a wonderful source of help to me, and many others.


"These classic books are endorsed by....and Melody Beattie (author of "Codependent No More") who says "Getting Them Sober" is the best book for the family of the still-drinking alcoholic. "


(If it sounds like I am a "cheerleader" for Toby Rice Drews and her work, that's because I am!)

Pick-a-name

Jess, I understand the frustrations we can all feel for others when we read posts and it send up red flags or touches a nerve of our own.

Keep posting. Your recovery is about what works best for you that you are able to do....I fear that sometimes "pushing" people to be further along in their recovery than they are can sometimes lead to them giving up completely. You've come a long way and the path of recovery is not always a straight line. Do what is right for you and your kids,one day at a time.......moving toward your goal.

We all want to spare each other the pain and hardships we have endured,if we can, but sometimes we can't and not knowing all the facts in each others' lives makeds that more difficut,too.

I know one think for sure..........all the advice given here is given with love and the hope of helping each one of us get better the quickest way possible!

Keep posting and replying (everyone!) offering E,S, and H!

Hope today is a good one for us all!

Nutty

I picked it up 2 weeks ago and have worked through most of the activities. This book has helped me to see things more clearly. It has helped me to focus on what I want and need from our relationship and communicate those wants and needs to my husband in a positive way. It also helped me to observe his triggers, to identify signs of drinking or wanting to drink. It is helping me to put emphasis on the positive steps and to rephrase my communication so that I don't put him on the defensive. The results thus far have been positive and when I told him I was angry at myself for enabling, he said I should not blame myself because he didn't give me much choice. He is getting help. And there were more sober days than usual in the past week.

Zoey

Pick-a-name, Thank you for your reply, I do think the name of the books are misleading, but too it catches the eye of us who haven't been to Al-Anon, those of us who know nothing of this, cause we are gonna fix em" Good books to start on.

Same with "Under the Influence" it sounds like it would be a drunk-a-log. It should have been named "WHY" Why can't they stop and after treatment WHY arn't they completely well, WHY relapse???.

I read everything to see if they are telling it right. LOL, like I know for sure.
If someone says bad book, I check it, is it bad or wasn't that person ready??
If good, I check to see why it is good. I can learn something every day.

As usual, we are all human, different people will get different things from every book, or from every meeting, even in church we all hear something different.
One day our Minister mentioned doing 5th step work at the treatment center, I was excited about that, so said to my devout friend, how proud of the miniter I was for doing that. She said, "I never heard him say that, and I am SURE he doesn't do that"
She dozed off often. I said no more.

Jessica, Lv and HUGS I always listened to every one elses shoulds, thought they were smarter than me. If I couldn't or didn't do what they wanted me to do I felt guilty. To me reading to learn is better than listening to friends or relatives.

AA meetings taught me the most.

JessicaNAJ

How has the chaos ever left???? I've been miserable, depressed, totally not focused on what I needed to be....and that being my kids and myself. The choices I am making today are the best choices I've made in 5 months. That's my choice I made and now I'm going to carry on.

He is not moving back in.

I bought this book b/c someone here suggested it. When I first read it I thought it was geared toward him and I became frustrated and put it away. I almost pitched it.

I stopped posting b/c I HAD to think for myself. I COULDN'T listen to outside influence. But I didn't stop going to Al-Anon and I didn't stop going to counseling. My WHOLE life has been about what is best for everyone else.....do what I can to make other people like me. NOW I'm doing what I can to make ME like ME. Only then can I move forward. He is not moving back in.

One day at a time, right?

Thank you Pick

I don't want to "GET HIM SOBER" I'm not even going to try, but I am going to make choices that will make me more comfortable with the decisions I make. I can't just react anymore, I have to think things through.

JessicaNAJ

I'm not blaming anyone...but if you had tried your entire life to always do what others thought was what you should do, you would understand where I was coming from. Many already know that it doesn't matter what others think. My biggest problem (thank you quietsins)....I DO....that is a huge problem that I am totally working on....

sunshine003

Jess, I imagine it's very hard to take a break to think for yourself if it's something you've never done for yourself. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Keep moving forward, being true to yourself.

That's the key isn't it? Being true to yourself. It's a hard thing to do, to know if you're doing something for YOU or for someone else....to ease the guilt, blame you soak in, etc. If you take an inventory and can say it's all for YOU then no need to explain your motives to anyone.

I can say that I've experienced the misery that goes along with trying to break free. The guilt, the blame taking, the self doubt, the fear that they'll move on.....all of it. I've tried to let go and at times think, I'd rather be miserable with him than miserable without him. Kinda sick but I've honestly felt that before. Still do at times. I call it my "codie fix". Kind of like they need their alcohol fix. The pain and guilt I feel at times, it's like I want to just go back so it'll end. Because that will end it.....for a bit anyway. But it'll all go round again, this I know for a fact.

Not sure if we're alike at all but that is just my experience. I still haven't figured out how to not give into that fix thing. But so far I haven't but I do feel sad a lot and I do find myself wanting to give into it. But for now, I haven't.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Sunshine....