I feel like an Alcoholic that took a drink
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Clearwater, FL
Posts: 81
I feel like an Alcoholic that took a drink
This must be what it feels like to fall off the wagon. I fell of the ACA wagon.
For the past 4 months, I became involved in a co-dependant relationship. He broke up with me Monday. I realize that this is for the best because nothing should come in the way of recovery. I just am hurting so badly because not only do I love him, I also screwed up my recovery so badly.
What I can't believe is just how quickly it happened. It all spun out of control. Now I am a mess. An absolute mess and I am ashamed of myself. Monday, I have to go face the people at my group. I guess I now realize how carefully I must balance everything.
I am angry. I am angry that I grew up in the circumstances I did. I am angry because I tried so hard and thought I was doing so well. I am angry because I fell in love with another Co-Dependant ACA, just like me. I am angry because the universe or God or HP brought him into my life. I am tired of being tested. When is enough enough and when do I get to be happy?
For the past 4 months, I became involved in a co-dependant relationship. He broke up with me Monday. I realize that this is for the best because nothing should come in the way of recovery. I just am hurting so badly because not only do I love him, I also screwed up my recovery so badly.
What I can't believe is just how quickly it happened. It all spun out of control. Now I am a mess. An absolute mess and I am ashamed of myself. Monday, I have to go face the people at my group. I guess I now realize how carefully I must balance everything.
I am angry. I am angry that I grew up in the circumstances I did. I am angry because I tried so hard and thought I was doing so well. I am angry because I fell in love with another Co-Dependant ACA, just like me. I am angry because the universe or God or HP brought him into my life. I am tired of being tested. When is enough enough and when do I get to be happy?
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: London, UK
Posts: 115
Star gazer
I am sorry you're going through this. It's ok to be angry right now, you're hurt. But please also remember that your HP loves you and it's not always about putting us through a test. there's a meaning in all that happens to us. Turn it into positive (in your own time), and hopefully you'll be able to see that maybe this ending it's for the best.
Don't be hard on yourself, love yourself and treat yourself gently. In my opinion, you'll get happy when you accept and love yourself unconditionally, if you do that, then you don't need to chase or look for happiness in anything or anyone: it's already there. Someone you love and who loves you, will only add happiness to that existing happiness that it is in you. I'm trying to learn to do that.
Love Jo
I am sorry you're going through this. It's ok to be angry right now, you're hurt. But please also remember that your HP loves you and it's not always about putting us through a test. there's a meaning in all that happens to us. Turn it into positive (in your own time), and hopefully you'll be able to see that maybe this ending it's for the best.
Don't be hard on yourself, love yourself and treat yourself gently. In my opinion, you'll get happy when you accept and love yourself unconditionally, if you do that, then you don't need to chase or look for happiness in anything or anyone: it's already there. Someone you love and who loves you, will only add happiness to that existing happiness that it is in you. I'm trying to learn to do that.
Love Jo
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Anger is a powerful emotion, used properly it can be good. The key is to know when to let it go. A brief period of anger serves a purpose, a life of anger eats us up from the inside out. Anger must be managed and used as a path to a positive result. You felt your anger, now let it go.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go forward. It's not the circumstance you are in it's how you handle it.
Forgive yourself.
Life is a song worth singing...Sing it!
Dolly
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go forward. It's not the circumstance you are in it's how you handle it.
Forgive yourself.
Life is a song worth singing...Sing it!
Dolly
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey StarGazer,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting. I have felt that pain of broken love and know how deep it is.
I don't know how this recovery thing works for you, but for me it is a great sign of growth when I feel angry about harm that was done to me. You mention that you are angry over the circustances you grew up in. It took me years before I was able to love myself enough to where I felt anger at what was done to me. That kind of anger shows me that I am healing and making progress.
My HP doesn't test me. My HP provides me with opportunities to learn and excercise my "living skills". Being able to identify which people are good for me and which are not is one skill that I still have to work on. If I were in a sick relationship and got out after four months the way you have it would be a great healing for me. It usually takes me _years_ to untangle myself. I would be proud for "catching myself" after only 4 months.
Thank you for taking the time to share, and for trusting us with your pain. It helps me to see other ACoA's who are doing better in life than I am, as that gives me hope and encourages me to continue in recovery.
Mike :-)
I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting. I have felt that pain of broken love and know how deep it is.
I don't know how this recovery thing works for you, but for me it is a great sign of growth when I feel angry about harm that was done to me. You mention that you are angry over the circustances you grew up in. It took me years before I was able to love myself enough to where I felt anger at what was done to me. That kind of anger shows me that I am healing and making progress.
My HP doesn't test me. My HP provides me with opportunities to learn and excercise my "living skills". Being able to identify which people are good for me and which are not is one skill that I still have to work on. If I were in a sick relationship and got out after four months the way you have it would be a great healing for me. It usually takes me _years_ to untangle myself. I would be proud for "catching myself" after only 4 months.
Thank you for taking the time to share, and for trusting us with your pain. It helps me to see other ACoA's who are doing better in life than I am, as that gives me hope and encourages me to continue in recovery.
Mike :-)
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Clearwater, FL
Posts: 81
Thank you everyone for your kind words.
I am very sad but I also feel sorta exhilirated because I am allowing myself to feel emotions. In past relationships, I held it all back. I was careful not to put myself out to be hurt. I am hoping that the two of us will still talk but I am prepared to never hear from him again. It would be a shame if that happened.
My anger at HP really surprised me. I think I am just tired of feeling pain. It seems like the times of pain last longer than times of happiness and that frustrates me. I trust that whatever happens in life that there is a greater reason than I know, I just wish it was a bit more clear why people are brought into our lives and quickly taken away. It hurts so badly. I guess I will know in time.
In the mean time, I will be good to myself and surround myself with those that love me. I know the answers will come.
I am very sad but I also feel sorta exhilirated because I am allowing myself to feel emotions. In past relationships, I held it all back. I was careful not to put myself out to be hurt. I am hoping that the two of us will still talk but I am prepared to never hear from him again. It would be a shame if that happened.
My anger at HP really surprised me. I think I am just tired of feeling pain. It seems like the times of pain last longer than times of happiness and that frustrates me. I trust that whatever happens in life that there is a greater reason than I know, I just wish it was a bit more clear why people are brought into our lives and quickly taken away. It hurts so badly. I guess I will know in time.
In the mean time, I will be good to myself and surround myself with those that love me. I know the answers will come.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Hi Star Gazer,
I'm sorry you're hurting and I wish sometimes there was an easier way to learn the lessons we need to. It would be great if there were a big ladder up on this co-dependent snakes and ladders game board, and we could just shoot ahead and skip all the stuff in between.
My guess is that you learned something in this relationship, even though it hurts. And my guess is that whatever you learned will equip you better in the future to have a healthier relationship from a better place of health with someone in a better place of health. That's how I've seen my own journey. Each relationship has brought me closer to where I am today.
In this way, I don't see that people are brought into our lives or taken away by what my sense of a greater intelligence is. I believe that we attract and are attracted to people of like health, and with each experience, we learn more. This was another step in your journey.
That doesn't take the hurt away. I so very much understand how much loss of love can hurt. And it often is not only loss of the individual, but the loss of the hopes and dreams we allowed to come to life again with someone special in our lives. But the possibility of an enduring, loving relationship does still exist. It is out there. Don't give up hope.
As to shame -- I understand that one too. I've beat myself up as well for my failed relationships. And I've beat myself up for what I saw as bad choices or exposing myself again to more hurt. But there is nothing to be ashamed of here. Like all of us, you want and need love. You responded to the hope of it held out, and expressed yourself. You took a chance, a risk. And there is nothing to be ashamed of in that. And you chose according to right where you were at that time. And will learn. And in time, you'll learn different choices. Like Desert Eyes said, as more healing and recovery goes by, the better we become at identifying which people are 'good' for us and which are not. That you didn't get it perfect this time is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
About being able to 'still talk' with this person. You might want to give that some more thought. Sometimes the wish to remain in contact exposes ourselves to more hurt or re-injury, particularly during a recent break-up. Have a look at your motives, at the underlying feeling and you may get a better sense of what's in your best interests and what's serving a co-dependent need to remain attached, despite the hurt.
And in the meantime, get those feelings out. Let 'er rip. As you said, the fact you're expressing and feeling is great progress.
best,
gf
I'm sorry you're hurting and I wish sometimes there was an easier way to learn the lessons we need to. It would be great if there were a big ladder up on this co-dependent snakes and ladders game board, and we could just shoot ahead and skip all the stuff in between.
My guess is that you learned something in this relationship, even though it hurts. And my guess is that whatever you learned will equip you better in the future to have a healthier relationship from a better place of health with someone in a better place of health. That's how I've seen my own journey. Each relationship has brought me closer to where I am today.
In this way, I don't see that people are brought into our lives or taken away by what my sense of a greater intelligence is. I believe that we attract and are attracted to people of like health, and with each experience, we learn more. This was another step in your journey.
That doesn't take the hurt away. I so very much understand how much loss of love can hurt. And it often is not only loss of the individual, but the loss of the hopes and dreams we allowed to come to life again with someone special in our lives. But the possibility of an enduring, loving relationship does still exist. It is out there. Don't give up hope.
As to shame -- I understand that one too. I've beat myself up as well for my failed relationships. And I've beat myself up for what I saw as bad choices or exposing myself again to more hurt. But there is nothing to be ashamed of here. Like all of us, you want and need love. You responded to the hope of it held out, and expressed yourself. You took a chance, a risk. And there is nothing to be ashamed of in that. And you chose according to right where you were at that time. And will learn. And in time, you'll learn different choices. Like Desert Eyes said, as more healing and recovery goes by, the better we become at identifying which people are 'good' for us and which are not. That you didn't get it perfect this time is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
About being able to 'still talk' with this person. You might want to give that some more thought. Sometimes the wish to remain in contact exposes ourselves to more hurt or re-injury, particularly during a recent break-up. Have a look at your motives, at the underlying feeling and you may get a better sense of what's in your best interests and what's serving a co-dependent need to remain attached, despite the hurt.
And in the meantime, get those feelings out. Let 'er rip. As you said, the fact you're expressing and feeling is great progress.
best,
gf
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
SG -
Or you could see this as another test of the program in forgiveness and letting go. Breaking up hurts, no doubt about it. I can only empathize with the pain you must be feeling. But think if you hadn't been in Alanon? You are now aware, you accept the situation, and now you are taking the action to stay in the program, and feel all those feelings which maybe you couldn't before, and are back on the road to recovery. I think your doing great !!!!!!!!!
Ken
Or you could see this as another test of the program in forgiveness and letting go. Breaking up hurts, no doubt about it. I can only empathize with the pain you must be feeling. But think if you hadn't been in Alanon? You are now aware, you accept the situation, and now you are taking the action to stay in the program, and feel all those feelings which maybe you couldn't before, and are back on the road to recovery. I think your doing great !!!!!!!!!
Ken
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Star,
I spoke with a counsellor just prior to having to talk with my parents. I was asking her for some 'cliff's notes' on how to stay centered as I really didn't want to get sucked back into the garbage.
She said "Allow yourself to feel. You can say "I know I am feeling X, I recognize that that emotion is there, and it's okay to feel it. I can't deal with it right now, but I will deal with it later."
While it's not quite the same circumstance, I still thinks it's good advice. You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to have emotions, including love. The question is what you do with those emotions.
It sounds to me like you were aware of the path you were heading down, but weren't quite sure what to do with it. I'm certain that, had he not broken it off with you, eventually you would have broken it off with him, because now you're aware. You're no longer living in a world where things happen for seemingly unknown reasons. You would have recognized it for what it was, and eventually you would not have been able to live with yourself like that.
You are well on your way to being healthy. The fact that you could recognize it at all is such a HUGE step. We don't get healthy overnight. We start with recognition, then slowly find new ways of doing things. And yes, sometimes we fall off the wagon, but we always get back on, because the wagon beats the heck out of walking. And we've already walked a long trek even get TO the wagon.
You're doing great.
I spoke with a counsellor just prior to having to talk with my parents. I was asking her for some 'cliff's notes' on how to stay centered as I really didn't want to get sucked back into the garbage.
She said "Allow yourself to feel. You can say "I know I am feeling X, I recognize that that emotion is there, and it's okay to feel it. I can't deal with it right now, but I will deal with it later."
While it's not quite the same circumstance, I still thinks it's good advice. You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to have emotions, including love. The question is what you do with those emotions.
It sounds to me like you were aware of the path you were heading down, but weren't quite sure what to do with it. I'm certain that, had he not broken it off with you, eventually you would have broken it off with him, because now you're aware. You're no longer living in a world where things happen for seemingly unknown reasons. You would have recognized it for what it was, and eventually you would not have been able to live with yourself like that.
You are well on your way to being healthy. The fact that you could recognize it at all is such a HUGE step. We don't get healthy overnight. We start with recognition, then slowly find new ways of doing things. And yes, sometimes we fall off the wagon, but we always get back on, because the wagon beats the heck out of walking. And we've already walked a long trek even get TO the wagon.
You're doing great.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
SG -
I can relate in a way too. I have been in Alanon 4 months now. I have learned alot and have seen much growth. But I get lonely at times and I met a woman in one of my Alanon meetings too. And the fact is that I like her. I struggle too ask her out having heard it is better to be cautious about getting involved in early stages of alanon. On the other hand, I want to meet someone and now I know I am a good person and have learned new ways to be with someone else. Am I perfect, NO. But I belive progress not perfection is a great saying. Maybe I will make a mistake, but maybe I will grow. And we only grow when we try, take chances, learn from them, and just keep going. It gets easier over time with constant practice. And maybe that's the real trick. Just practice, practice, practice!
Ken
I can relate in a way too. I have been in Alanon 4 months now. I have learned alot and have seen much growth. But I get lonely at times and I met a woman in one of my Alanon meetings too. And the fact is that I like her. I struggle too ask her out having heard it is better to be cautious about getting involved in early stages of alanon. On the other hand, I want to meet someone and now I know I am a good person and have learned new ways to be with someone else. Am I perfect, NO. But I belive progress not perfection is a great saying. Maybe I will make a mistake, but maybe I will grow. And we only grow when we try, take chances, learn from them, and just keep going. It gets easier over time with constant practice. And maybe that's the real trick. Just practice, practice, practice!
Ken
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Clearwater, FL
Posts: 81
Yesterday I spent a very quiet time early in the morning at the beach. I wrote in my journal anything and everything I was feeling. In the midst of this moment, I found it was time to let this go and surrender this to my HP. So, I did. I wrote everything I wanted to give up and all my prayers on a peice of paper. Stood in the waves, read it over and over again and through the paper out into the ocean. It came back a few times in the waves, one time the wind took it and it smacked me in the chest. I simply said, I don't want this situation anymore. I can't control it. And then, the paper disappeared into the ocean.
Last night I also went out with one of my girlfriends and I was really able to let go and release so much. It felt good. I feel much more serene and calm.
I may have overreacted on the C-dep issue. I dealt with it in the past and it was really bad but I think this time, I simply lost myself in love and it felt good. I don't ever want to give up the abilty to fall in love just because I may be feeling a bit c-dep. I know that is what scared him. I will instead talk about it and be aware of it. I won't run away because I now see how painful that ACA trait is to the person you run out on.
Also, I am realizing it is just as important to embrace the pain as it is love. Next time, whether it is with him or another man, I will embrace love just the same, instead of questioning it.
Why is it that we never mistake pain for pain but when it comes to love, we always doubt it?
Last night I also went out with one of my girlfriends and I was really able to let go and release so much. It felt good. I feel much more serene and calm.
I may have overreacted on the C-dep issue. I dealt with it in the past and it was really bad but I think this time, I simply lost myself in love and it felt good. I don't ever want to give up the abilty to fall in love just because I may be feeling a bit c-dep. I know that is what scared him. I will instead talk about it and be aware of it. I won't run away because I now see how painful that ACA trait is to the person you run out on.
Also, I am realizing it is just as important to embrace the pain as it is love. Next time, whether it is with him or another man, I will embrace love just the same, instead of questioning it.
Why is it that we never mistake pain for pain but when it comes to love, we always doubt it?
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Originally Posted by Star Gazer
Why is it that we never mistake pain for pain but when it comes to love, we always doubt it?
I think you handled things really well, and I really liked your idea of throwing the piece of paper back and saying "I don't want this!" Good for you!
There will be more opportunities, and you will get better and better at it.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Originally Posted by Star Gazer
I simply lost myself in love and it felt good.
I'm glad you're feeling more peaceful. Your ritual at the beach sounded very healing.
The words you wrote above struck me. Too many times, I've lost myself way too much in relationships, in others. Does it feel good? I thought so. As a co-dependent, I struggled to distinguish my need to fill an empty, yearning hole from genuine love, affection and appreciation. I had to learn what genuine love looks like, behaves like and feels like -- as much coming from me, as coming towards me. It took a long time.
Falling in love is one of the most enthralling feelings there is -- almost like a drug. But the fact is that it happens all the time between people who would have trouble building a healthy loving long-term relationship. Sometimes the two -- two people falling in love and two people having the foundation for enduring love -- are so unrelated. I guess that's why I've come to view the falling in love stage with different eyes.
I don't mean to be cynical -- I love and am still in love with my partner of 2-1/2 years -- but I think it's important to be more watchful as we 'fall'.
best
gf
Digitally Remastered
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Samsara
Posts: 102
Why is it that we never mistake pain for pain but when it comes to love, we always doubt it? Wow. I never thought of that before. Something for me to think on.
and
Sometimes the two -- two people falling in love and two people having the foundation for enduring love -- are so unrelated.
The more I read from this group the more I realize I really don't know. I have never thought of this...getting context clues from TV...
Thanks Star Gazer for showing me what brave looks like today. And to the rest who've participated in this thread...thank you for sharing your compassion & love.
Digits
and
Sometimes the two -- two people falling in love and two people having the foundation for enduring love -- are so unrelated.
The more I read from this group the more I realize I really don't know. I have never thought of this...getting context clues from TV...
Thanks Star Gazer for showing me what brave looks like today. And to the rest who've participated in this thread...thank you for sharing your compassion & love.
Digits
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