Ways to detach?
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: bangor maine
Posts: 44
Ways to detach?
I'm very new to trying to understand co-dependency. I'm very confused about the act of detachment! This is still a mystery to me. It seems like a temporary way to remove yourself from the "problem" and just another form of denial. Detachment isn't going to make the alcoholic in your life stop drinking, so how does one manage to live with any real peace in their life if they have to shutout or avoid the person they love. What kind of a life is this? It sounds very lonely. Detaching with love? I hear people say here they have found happiness again, while living with an active alcoholic. How does one even begin the process of detaching? I understand ways to detach are an individual thing and what works for one person isn't necessarily going to work for another. I'd be interested in hearing what works for others that have found ways to survive in a long term relationship by practicing detachment. Certainly one can add many positive things to their life to give them strength and happiness, but if the person you love is slowly killing himself in the next room, I don't see how you can balance this out and truly say you are happy.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
hi lizzy girl
this is a section from the Hazeldon site that I think offers a good definition of detachment:
http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/haze...&page_id=26669
It was also confusing to me in the beginning. It got easier when I truly learned what it meant to focus on my own life. Hope this helps a little.
this is a section from the Hazeldon site that I think offers a good definition of detachment:
http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/haze...&page_id=26669
It was also confusing to me in the beginning. It got easier when I truly learned what it meant to focus on my own life. Hope this helps a little.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I don't either, at least not what you describe.
I believe detaching means you number 1, want to stay in your current situation. You understand you didn't cause the drinking, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
So if you didn't cause it and you can't cure it, then you have to give up thinking you can control it. In other words, you said "how can detaching help them." It isn't to help them, it is to help you. BUT, in a way, it does help them as well. You know why? Because you stop trying to control it. You stop engaging yourself in the drunk arguements, the pleading with them to stop, etc. That way, they are left alone with their own problem.
It doesn't mean to "ignore" them.
When your husband is drinking you need to ignore him and find things that make you happy.....so you don't sit and obsess over what he's doing, what's going to happen, etc. It means you stop enabling and start living your life. If he gets in trouble, you let him deal with it....you don't try to fix it. Did you read the sticky at the top of the page about enabling behavior?
Nobody said it wasn't lonely living with an active alcoholic. But they do say there are ways to keep yourself happy.
I believe detaching means you number 1, want to stay in your current situation. You understand you didn't cause the drinking, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
So if you didn't cause it and you can't cure it, then you have to give up thinking you can control it. In other words, you said "how can detaching help them." It isn't to help them, it is to help you. BUT, in a way, it does help them as well. You know why? Because you stop trying to control it. You stop engaging yourself in the drunk arguements, the pleading with them to stop, etc. That way, they are left alone with their own problem.
It doesn't mean to "ignore" them.
When your husband is drinking you need to ignore him and find things that make you happy.....so you don't sit and obsess over what he's doing, what's going to happen, etc. It means you stop enabling and start living your life. If he gets in trouble, you let him deal with it....you don't try to fix it. Did you read the sticky at the top of the page about enabling behavior?
Nobody said it wasn't lonely living with an active alcoholic. But they do say there are ways to keep yourself happy.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Mountains CA
Posts: 11
For me personally detaching was a stepping stone, a band aid, a vacation from dealing with the inevitable. For the type of person I am, it is not a life long tool.
I know many will disagree so I strongly reinterate I am talking about just me.
It was helpful at the time in dealing with horribile situations and behaviors, but in time I had to react, I had to face what was going on and realize his actions were affecting my life and me personally.
My experience with detaching is I became cold, distant and bitter. That is not who I am. Some will say that I detached in the wrong way BUT that was my experience and I can't pretend it wasn't.
I am not saying don't try it, I think it is a very individual experience.
I know many will disagree so I strongly reinterate I am talking about just me.
It was helpful at the time in dealing with horribile situations and behaviors, but in time I had to react, I had to face what was going on and realize his actions were affecting my life and me personally.
My experience with detaching is I became cold, distant and bitter. That is not who I am. Some will say that I detached in the wrong way BUT that was my experience and I can't pretend it wasn't.
I am not saying don't try it, I think it is a very individual experience.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: bangor maine
Posts: 44
As the local tells the tourist asking for directions: "Cant get there from here"
leaving them feeling lost, frustrated and misled. I'm feeling like a real tourist right now.
I have to believe there is a way to get "there" by my own discovery and perhaps with help of someone who cares. I'm not expecting any shortcuts, but I hope I have enough gas to stay on the road to keep looking.
leaving them feeling lost, frustrated and misled. I'm feeling like a real tourist right now.
I have to believe there is a way to get "there" by my own discovery and perhaps with help of someone who cares. I'm not expecting any shortcuts, but I hope I have enough gas to stay on the road to keep looking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
You have enough gas to figure something out. I know you can do it!!!
It is all very confusing at first. I know when I first came here, first started trying to understand everything, I was overwhelmed. I'd read something and think, "yes, I feel like that but he did this." I just didn't see myself in any of the problem. It was all about what he did, how he drinks, what he said, blah blah blah. I did NOT see myself as a part of the problem at all.
Things are much better for me now. I have some clarity. I slip and feel anger here and there but I can say I'm at a much better place.
Stick around, post your questions, read and I look forward to getting to know you.
P.S, what do YOU want?
when I first came here, I couldn't even answer that. Everything *I* wanted revolved around my ah. I wanted him to tell the truth, I wanted him to stop drinking, I wanted him to be this thing I thought he was, I wanted him to......But I couldn't answer what *I* wanted. The things I just listed, I can't have those.
It is all very confusing at first. I know when I first came here, first started trying to understand everything, I was overwhelmed. I'd read something and think, "yes, I feel like that but he did this." I just didn't see myself in any of the problem. It was all about what he did, how he drinks, what he said, blah blah blah. I did NOT see myself as a part of the problem at all.
Things are much better for me now. I have some clarity. I slip and feel anger here and there but I can say I'm at a much better place.
Stick around, post your questions, read and I look forward to getting to know you.
P.S, what do YOU want?
when I first came here, I couldn't even answer that. Everything *I* wanted revolved around my ah. I wanted him to tell the truth, I wanted him to stop drinking, I wanted him to be this thing I thought he was, I wanted him to......But I couldn't answer what *I* wanted. The things I just listed, I can't have those.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by lizzy girl
I have to believe there is a way to get "there" by my own discovery and perhaps with help of someone who cares. I'm not expecting any shortcuts, but I hope I have enough gas to stay on the road to keep looking.
Procrastinator
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by sunshine003
It doesn't mean to "ignore" them.
When your husband is drinking you need to ignore him and find things that make you happy......
When your husband is drinking you need to ignore him and find things that make you happy......
I too am having a hard time w/ detachment. I am trying my darndest to learn as much as I can and really grasp the concept. I'm trying my best....detachment with love is hard, detachment without bitterness is harder.
xoxo
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
Maybe this will help. Think of it as separating your "stuff" from his "stuff." His drinking=his stuff. Your reaction to it=your stuff. He will do what he will do. You can only control what you do (or don't do). His anger=his stuff. Your hurt/anger/disappoinment=your stuff. I've also heard it referred to as "minding your own business." You step out of the way and leave him to his own business. If he tries to drag you into his business, you go about your own. Always keeping in mind that you are your first priority. I wouldn't say it's the same thing as ignoring. More like saying "I'm sorry you feel that way," and then going about your business.
It sounds simple, and it is. But easy? That's a whole different thing!
L
It sounds simple, and it is. But easy? That's a whole different thing!
L
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus Ga
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by lizzy girl
As the local tells the tourist asking for directions: "Cant get there from here"
leaving them feeling lost, frustrated and misled. I'm feeling like a real tourist right now.
I have to believe there is a way to get "there" by my own discovery and perhaps with help of someone who cares. I'm not expecting any shortcuts, but I hope I have enough gas to stay on the road to keep looking.
leaving them feeling lost, frustrated and misled. I'm feeling like a real tourist right now.
I have to believe there is a way to get "there" by my own discovery and perhaps with help of someone who cares. I'm not expecting any shortcuts, but I hope I have enough gas to stay on the road to keep looking.
I believe that my ex ABF is deeper into his addiction than anything I've read here so far.
Detachemnt simply means to me that in order to win the battle you have to stop fighting it. If the person realizes what they are missing in their lives when they cannot particiapte because of the drinking, it may initiate a change. Either way, you will be healthier and looking at the big picture and able to see the forest instead of that big oak tree currently blocking your view of therest of the world. You will then be able to make choices for YOUR life based on the bigger picture.
I still love my A XBF but will I allow myself to be sucked into madness again? I pray to God that won't happen.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Lizzy,
I understand your confusion. Speaking only for myself, I needed to end my relationship, and I believe I would find it very hard to detach successfully while staying in a long term relationship.
My detachment really began big time when I read the following line in Melody Beattie's book Co-Dependent No More: "Only I am responsible for my own happiness." It was a lightbulb moment.
I realized that I had made my happiness dependent on my partner and on him changing. My thinking had been for a very long time, "If he [insert behavior or change], I'd be happy." I decided then and there to reclaim responsibility for my happiness, and so began the process of detachment. I wanted to be happy whether he changed or not. And I left his changing, or not changing, up to him.
This freed me up emotionally and mentally hugely. I began to give up the hyper-attentive observation of him. I began to stop stepping in to advise and correct. I began to pay attention to me, not him.
BUT -- at the same time, I knew what kind of relationship I ultimately wanted, and what I was willing to live with and not live with. In other words, as I took responsiblity for my happiness, I also began to ask what that happiness looked like.
So while I detached from his process, and if, how, or whether he'd address his own issues, for me I knew happiness could not include living with him if he did not change.
Staying out of his stuff, while pursuing my own happiness, would require living at a distance inside a relationship. To be separate and alone inside a relationship to me is FAR loneliner than being alone. And to detach inside a relationship while someone remains engaged in destructive behavior does mean a part off you is cut off, and you stop expecting a kind of relationship you would like to have. It requires letting go of certain expectations and not needing them in order to be content.
If you CAN let go of those expectations, then I see it would be possible to detach and remain in a relationship.
Only you can decide what is enough or not enough to stay in a relationship. Everyone has their own threshholds.
Maybe part of the problem for you is predetermining what you will feel and decide -- that no matter what, you'll stay in the relationship. Perhaps it may help to start the process of detachment, let things unfold over time, and see what's revealed to you in your feelings and thoughts about your situation as you go forward.
best
gf
I understand your confusion. Speaking only for myself, I needed to end my relationship, and I believe I would find it very hard to detach successfully while staying in a long term relationship.
My detachment really began big time when I read the following line in Melody Beattie's book Co-Dependent No More: "Only I am responsible for my own happiness." It was a lightbulb moment.
I realized that I had made my happiness dependent on my partner and on him changing. My thinking had been for a very long time, "If he [insert behavior or change], I'd be happy." I decided then and there to reclaim responsibility for my happiness, and so began the process of detachment. I wanted to be happy whether he changed or not. And I left his changing, or not changing, up to him.
This freed me up emotionally and mentally hugely. I began to give up the hyper-attentive observation of him. I began to stop stepping in to advise and correct. I began to pay attention to me, not him.
BUT -- at the same time, I knew what kind of relationship I ultimately wanted, and what I was willing to live with and not live with. In other words, as I took responsiblity for my happiness, I also began to ask what that happiness looked like.
So while I detached from his process, and if, how, or whether he'd address his own issues, for me I knew happiness could not include living with him if he did not change.
Staying out of his stuff, while pursuing my own happiness, would require living at a distance inside a relationship. To be separate and alone inside a relationship to me is FAR loneliner than being alone. And to detach inside a relationship while someone remains engaged in destructive behavior does mean a part off you is cut off, and you stop expecting a kind of relationship you would like to have. It requires letting go of certain expectations and not needing them in order to be content.
If you CAN let go of those expectations, then I see it would be possible to detach and remain in a relationship.
Only you can decide what is enough or not enough to stay in a relationship. Everyone has their own threshholds.
Maybe part of the problem for you is predetermining what you will feel and decide -- that no matter what, you'll stay in the relationship. Perhaps it may help to start the process of detachment, let things unfold over time, and see what's revealed to you in your feelings and thoughts about your situation as you go forward.
best
gf
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
You say,lizzy,but if the person you love is slowly killing himself in the next room,you dont see how another can balance this out and trully say they are happy.
I can totally understand ,for i felt the same way for many years.When my loved one,hurts,i hurt too.Can i do anything about it?Can i control their alcoholism?No.Thing is that with any illness,doctors are the first ones to tell the loved ones of the sick person,to get out at times.Have some fun.Get a break from it all.To detache,with love.For if not the non-ill person can become just as ill.One day i looked at myself in mirror,as my hub was slowing reaching his bottom.He came into the bathroom too,and there we were looking into this mirror.I looked,awful,worse than him,i, looked much older than i was at the time.My face was drawn,my mind was a mess,.How did i do this to myself?My not detaching with love.Thinking that when you hurt i need to ,take it over,and,hurt too,and get really into it all,.Make it better,which i cannot do.My hurting and getting into it all,never change him,it changed me. When he hurts,i dont take it over.I have understanding,compassion,love,im here ,but no i will not tourcher myself.I love another so much that im willing to step back and let them deal with the conquences of their lives.Changed attiudes aid anothers recovery.I detach from the ranting/ravings,and all that stuff.That was his stuff,never mine to own.I believed at one time that he was killing himself.I knew this beyond a shadow of any doubts,for he drank for many years.There was nothing i can do,but pray for him.Today by God,s grace we are both sober.So what did i really know,about his life?.Just never really know how things will turn out.
This is how it works for us,
May God,s peace be with you both,
God Bless.
I can totally understand ,for i felt the same way for many years.When my loved one,hurts,i hurt too.Can i do anything about it?Can i control their alcoholism?No.Thing is that with any illness,doctors are the first ones to tell the loved ones of the sick person,to get out at times.Have some fun.Get a break from it all.To detache,with love.For if not the non-ill person can become just as ill.One day i looked at myself in mirror,as my hub was slowing reaching his bottom.He came into the bathroom too,and there we were looking into this mirror.I looked,awful,worse than him,i, looked much older than i was at the time.My face was drawn,my mind was a mess,.How did i do this to myself?My not detaching with love.Thinking that when you hurt i need to ,take it over,and,hurt too,and get really into it all,.Make it better,which i cannot do.My hurting and getting into it all,never change him,it changed me. When he hurts,i dont take it over.I have understanding,compassion,love,im here ,but no i will not tourcher myself.I love another so much that im willing to step back and let them deal with the conquences of their lives.Changed attiudes aid anothers recovery.I detach from the ranting/ravings,and all that stuff.That was his stuff,never mine to own.I believed at one time that he was killing himself.I knew this beyond a shadow of any doubts,for he drank for many years.There was nothing i can do,but pray for him.Today by God,s grace we are both sober.So what did i really know,about his life?.Just never really know how things will turn out.
This is how it works for us,
May God,s peace be with you both,
God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Columbus Ga
Posts: 68
Getting free, that was very well said. I cannot exxpress my feelings more. We all have to address our own needs in a relationship and for me doing it all just doesn't do it for me.
Grasshopper, I know the feeling of looking into the mirror and finding that you look worse than he does. Been there. It is as if we let the disease infect us on some deepr level and it is etched into our faces for all to see. The first thing I did as a result of my detachment was to give myself a beauty makeover. The sad part of it was that people I worked with daily didn't recognize me on sight. Tht let me know how far I had fallen indeed
Grasshopper, I know the feeling of looking into the mirror and finding that you look worse than he does. Been there. It is as if we let the disease infect us on some deepr level and it is etched into our faces for all to see. The first thing I did as a result of my detachment was to give myself a beauty makeover. The sad part of it was that people I worked with daily didn't recognize me on sight. Tht let me know how far I had fallen indeed
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
I find that detachment is a process, not something you can "get" intellectually. Basically, you have to practice and live detachment, and this is hard and painful, especially if you are co-dependent.
One of the easiest ways to practice detachment is to start setting boundaries. When I set boundaries, it is about me doing what is best for me, and not me trying to control or fix the alcoholic...
Also, it does not mean that I have to stop loving the alcoholic. It just means that I have to stop trying to control them and their actions.
Start setting boundaries, and you will be practicing detachment...
One of the easiest ways to practice detachment is to start setting boundaries. When I set boundaries, it is about me doing what is best for me, and not me trying to control or fix the alcoholic...
Also, it does not mean that I have to stop loving the alcoholic. It just means that I have to stop trying to control them and their actions.
Start setting boundaries, and you will be practicing detachment...
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