Detaching is something you must learn ......
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Detaching is something you must learn ......
Reading some of the posts here made me think of detaching. I can't remember how or when I finally did, but I do know I did it out of extreme hurt and anger. Is that the right way? Who knows, but it worked for me.
So, that got me thinking about something and this analogy is so totally nutty, but please bear with me. Of course it has something to do with the dog training I do, but I think the point is made quite well.
When one of my dogs was 18 months old, I decided to start agility classes with her. For those of you who don't know what that is, you take an extremely fast, agile dog and run a course of jumps, tunnels, tires, obstacles and platforms that can consist of twists and turns and you are asked to finish this course of say 225' total in less than 45 seconds with your dog with no mistakes.
My trainer at the time was 18 whopping years old, had high level titles on her dogs and was training this 40 something girl with a dog that was way too fast and far superior intelligence than the owner, that would be me and my dog Kira.
At first, it was so foreign to me, moving my hands one way, dipping my shoulder left and right, making sure my feet were pointing where I wanted the dog to go, sending the dog another way, tripping over my feet, falling down, trying to remember the course and where I was heading, all while watching a moving dog and running myself.
After 4 lessons of feeling totally defeated, whining that I just would never get it, my trainer who could have been my daughter said to me "Judy, it's all memory, you just need to keep practicing and develop muscle & limb memory and it will become second nature".
Crying I left the building feeling as if I let my dog down and myself, but forged ahead I did. Although my dog is a fast learner and I am a slow learner, we took lessons and classes for the next 12 months and started to trial in shows and win! That's right, we started winning. We got our Novice Titles, our Open Titles and our Excellent Titles and most times with first place wins and under time.
Anyway, the point to this I guess is detaching is something you learn, something you practice, until it becomes comfortable and a way of life for each of you, no matter how foreign or uncomfortable the entire concept of detaching seems.
Just keep practicing .... eventually it gets easier and I know that each and every one of you who practice this will be champions!
So, that got me thinking about something and this analogy is so totally nutty, but please bear with me. Of course it has something to do with the dog training I do, but I think the point is made quite well.
When one of my dogs was 18 months old, I decided to start agility classes with her. For those of you who don't know what that is, you take an extremely fast, agile dog and run a course of jumps, tunnels, tires, obstacles and platforms that can consist of twists and turns and you are asked to finish this course of say 225' total in less than 45 seconds with your dog with no mistakes.
My trainer at the time was 18 whopping years old, had high level titles on her dogs and was training this 40 something girl with a dog that was way too fast and far superior intelligence than the owner, that would be me and my dog Kira.
At first, it was so foreign to me, moving my hands one way, dipping my shoulder left and right, making sure my feet were pointing where I wanted the dog to go, sending the dog another way, tripping over my feet, falling down, trying to remember the course and where I was heading, all while watching a moving dog and running myself.
After 4 lessons of feeling totally defeated, whining that I just would never get it, my trainer who could have been my daughter said to me "Judy, it's all memory, you just need to keep practicing and develop muscle & limb memory and it will become second nature".
Crying I left the building feeling as if I let my dog down and myself, but forged ahead I did. Although my dog is a fast learner and I am a slow learner, we took lessons and classes for the next 12 months and started to trial in shows and win! That's right, we started winning. We got our Novice Titles, our Open Titles and our Excellent Titles and most times with first place wins and under time.
Anyway, the point to this I guess is detaching is something you learn, something you practice, until it becomes comfortable and a way of life for each of you, no matter how foreign or uncomfortable the entire concept of detaching seems.
Just keep practicing .... eventually it gets easier and I know that each and every one of you who practice this will be champions!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
A dog related analogy! Something I 'can' truly understand! 
Reminds me of learning the multiplication tables in school. How foreign it felt at first! But through repetition and practice, especially with the whole class, we all 'got it'! OK everyone repeat...2x1=2; 2x2= 4; 2x3=6, 2x4=...
Practice, practice, practice!!!
Good uplifting message Judy!
Reminds me of learning the multiplication tables in school. How foreign it felt at first! But through repetition and practice, especially with the whole class, we all 'got it'! OK everyone repeat...2x1=2; 2x2= 4; 2x3=6, 2x4=...
Practice, practice, practice!!!
Good uplifting message Judy!
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Anyway, the point to this I guess is detaching is something you learn, something you practice, until it becomes comfortable and a way of life for each of you, no matter how foreign or uncomfortable the entire concept of detaching seems
The more we do things that are good for us and healthy for us, the less comfortable the old way seems.
I think that detachment is certainly a key point in getting healthy.
To deatch means to give up control.
Lots of folks dont want to.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by ASpouse
... it's all memory, you just need to keep practicing and develop muscle & limb memory and it will become second nature". ...
Anyway, the point to this I guess is detaching is something you learn, something you practice, until it becomes comfortable and a way of life for each of you, no matter how foreign or uncomfortable the entire concept of detaching seems.
Just keep practicing .... eventually it gets easier and I know that each and every one of you who practice this will be champions!
Anyway, the point to this I guess is detaching is something you learn, something you practice, until it becomes comfortable and a way of life for each of you, no matter how foreign or uncomfortable the entire concept of detaching seems.
Just keep practicing .... eventually it gets easier and I know that each and every one of you who practice this will be champions!
Thanks for sharing this positive story.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by ASpouse
Just keep practicing .... eventually it gets easier and I know that each and every one of you who practice this will be champions!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Thanks Judy, Loved about you and your dog. I suspect most of us would try harder to learn with our dog than working on detachment from our SO ?? (smile) So much easier to understand training a dog, and the dogs are so willing, but our SO try to side track us.
Detachment gives both people such wonderfull freedom, and more time to enjoy and love. but so hard to learn.
Denny, good reminder to, " act as if"
I agree, it is practice, practice, practice. We need a serious plan and reminders.
Pick-A-Name, Sorry your day is a cry-baby day, why not get a sad movie and let the tears roll, good therapy sometimes. I have had to go to a counselor to help me get a lump of tears out of my gut. BIG HUGS
Detachment gives both people such wonderfull freedom, and more time to enjoy and love. but so hard to learn.
Denny, good reminder to, " act as if"
I agree, it is practice, practice, practice. We need a serious plan and reminders.
Pick-A-Name, Sorry your day is a cry-baby day, why not get a sad movie and let the tears roll, good therapy sometimes. I have had to go to a counselor to help me get a lump of tears out of my gut. BIG HUGS
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
For me, I needed to learn that I could survive the pain... and I wanted all that assurance "up front".
That ain't how it works, as you all know.
But that IS what kept me from actually "doing the doing".
Fear of the pain... of watching my kid get worse and not being able to change that.
It took the EXPERIENCE of a doing it a few times and NOTICING the "coincidence" that the MOST TERRIBLE AWFUL GAWD I THINK SHE'LL DIE thing... didn't happen. That sometimes, as a direct result of "hands off the addict" and 'detatching'... sometimes there was a better result.
Whadya know?.....
Time takes time..... and experience brings confidence.
That ain't how it works, as you all know.
But that IS what kept me from actually "doing the doing".
Fear of the pain... of watching my kid get worse and not being able to change that.
It took the EXPERIENCE of a doing it a few times and NOTICING the "coincidence" that the MOST TERRIBLE AWFUL GAWD I THINK SHE'LL DIE thing... didn't happen. That sometimes, as a direct result of "hands off the addict" and 'detatching'... sometimes there was a better result.
Whadya know?.....
Time takes time..... and experience brings confidence.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Great thread....
Im still working on the detachment issues.... in fact I have had reason to practice this only last week... working well so far.
Something to point out also, I had to unlearn my negative way (still work in progress) of detaching before I can learn to detach with love.
When I was a child in an alcoholic family I learned at a very young age to detach. My therpist described it like this ....
If your emotions are a thread between your head and your heart, mayb abused children learn to cut the thread. Its wonderful in that you dont feel the emotion, but unfortunally the emotion does not go away and will have to be delt with one way or another... Took years and years of learning to attach, deal with emotion, and then to detach with love.... Still not great at it and I have been practicing for over 16 years....
But today Im much better then I have ever been in my life... so Im a happy camper.
Im still working on the detachment issues.... in fact I have had reason to practice this only last week... working well so far.
Something to point out also, I had to unlearn my negative way (still work in progress) of detaching before I can learn to detach with love.
When I was a child in an alcoholic family I learned at a very young age to detach. My therpist described it like this ....
If your emotions are a thread between your head and your heart, mayb abused children learn to cut the thread. Its wonderful in that you dont feel the emotion, but unfortunally the emotion does not go away and will have to be delt with one way or another... Took years and years of learning to attach, deal with emotion, and then to detach with love.... Still not great at it and I have been practicing for over 16 years....
But today Im much better then I have ever been in my life... so Im a happy camper.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Anyone who thinks it's not painful to train yourself to train a dog, well has never trained a dog to competition level! ..... only kidding!
Some great stuff in this thread, I think I'm glad I started it. LOL
Those assurances up front that Big Sis speaks of ..... I used to call them "guarantees", but have since learned that nothing in life is guaranteed.
Some great stuff in this thread, I think I'm glad I started it. LOL
Those assurances up front that Big Sis speaks of ..... I used to call them "guarantees", but have since learned that nothing in life is guaranteed.
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