elizabeth1979

I have to say I see an awful lot of encouraging unhealthy and non-recovery around lately. Where are the encouraging words that remind us that our HP has a plan? Where are the wise healthy suggestions? There are some, dont get me wrong, Im not saying there are none.
But it seems alot of us are he** bent on grumbling and expecting the situation to fix itself, and alot of naysayers and encouragement towards that negative attitude.
I find it incredibly telling that the posts with the most replies are the ones that are general gripe sessions and the the threads with recovery tools in them have little or no replies.
Is this the general direction now? I highly doubt that the intention of this forum was to be a bi*ch session about beer caps lying around and how everyone hates the alcoholic for ruining their life but oh gosh, I sure couldnt leave em.

It is no wonder that peoples lives are not improved with this attitude.
I am glad Im not in that place anymore.
Another thing. Anyone notice the board is called Friends and Family. That would mean to me, that wither a friend or family member is an alcoholic. So, why all the criticizing and making them into monsters. If its really that bad, and they are so horrioble, then everyone knows what the choices are. Anyone can recover and anyone can choose to get healthy. Not just the alcoholic.

Jazzman

I think the ratio of raw newbies outweighs the number of grizzled vets for the time being. Sure to change because change is consistent. Good reminder to focus on recovery SE.

pmaslan

Right on Sarah.....

I too have seen this happening alot latey and frankly am begining to question
why I am still here.
I have been through the mill as much as anyone here has. I have found a new
way of living and I am thriving.
While I was with my ex A I can't remember ever calling him any names except
the obvious, alcoholic. I loved him. I mean really loved him. I did my best
and when my best wasn't enough I moved on. I went to alanon, got therapy and
now I am living a considerably happy life. Did I think that was possible a year ago...
No....I did not. Once you have tried everything humanly possible and it doesn't
work you move on. Did I get a lot of flack and tough love here...
You betcha.... and I thank you....you know who you are.....
One year later here I am, yes.... alone..... but happy....
I'm smiling a big smile as I type....
and it feels good.

sunshine003

Well good for ya'll. I'm very proud to know you. Just because some of us get in ruts here and there doesn't mean we aren't taking steps towards improvement. I for one, do not care to share the odds and ins of my life with real life friends. Mostly because with them, I prefer to be positive and take that time to "get away" from home. In any event, I do think there are a lot of new people here and I think we all sound the same at first. Change doesn't happen over night.

I, for one, have been very frustrated the past month. However, I figured out nobody is going to "fix" that for me. So, today is a new day and I've taken steps to improve upon those frustrations.

I don't like these kinds of threads, I just don't.

I remember seeing even some of you "slip" and feel down.

equus

I still feel anger sometimes but now it tells me in big bold letters that my thinking has become lazy. Anger never took me where I wanted to be, anger never gave me peace of mind or pleasure, anger never drew people close or helped. Instead anger created pain on pain, it fertilised itself and grew until I spoke words I didn't mean and when it made me stupid enough for me to notice I felt regret.

I know there are many who feel strongly to vent and ride the anger train is the way out, but when I stopped and questioned, when I realised it didn't hold the answers I was looking for - I found I began to ask the right questions. The right questions for me were the ones that let me become happier as I gave the effort to finding answers.

For this chick the answer is to keep learning how to think, how to think in a way that makes thinking useful.

pmaslan

Let me correct one thing I said.....I keep coming back here because
it keeps me from going back to where I've been.....
Equus...I like you post

Missy

Being new here is a relief. I have tended in the past two years keep my life a secret and covering anything up that was not pefect. I felt if anyone knew, I would have been the failure in everyone else's eyes, family members, friends, etc. They still dont know what happens behind my closed doors.
However, when I found this site it was a real chance to vent and let loose. I've noticed that with us new guys And to me that is ok. That is the place where I am at right now. Getting it out of my system. This will dwindle down for sure.
Reading from the veterans is hope and encouragement to me that I too will be there. I'm learning from that.
Because of this forum, I am sweeter to my AH and grasp those sober times which are certainly less than not.
So I do "get" what you are saying and asking for patience to cope with me as I grow and recover.
I grew up in a stable home with no alchohol. Now that I am seeing all these "normals" living with A's I feel I can move on. If I'm babbling on and on I'm sorry. I just hope you get what I'm trying to say.
thanks, Karen

elizabeth1979

My thread was not meant to be a personal attack on anyone.
The threads intent was to be a reminder that life is what we make of it.
There is no rule that says we cant be angry, I get angry. Venting is healthy. Ive been in that place where I am angry and like Patty said, I dont want to be there again.
There are times when all of us feel like we just cant take anymore. My point is, where do we go from there? We choose to move on, move up, or stay stuck.

Jazzman

Every newbie that comes here is raw and hurting, swimming in a soup of unhealthy $hit. The grizzled vets, (which I'm not) provide encouragement and support. We were all newbies at one time and that's why we all have an instant camaraderie.

The important thing to remember is humility for all who post here. That attitude will keep this place what it was intended to be. A place for hurting people to come get help and support. This is not an easy topic nor is anything black & white. This is serious stuff.

Missy

I think when we start to get active here... stuck is not where we want to be so we are searching and reading and responding to grasp what is best for us. I'm still amazed at how similar we all are not matter who our A is. If we wernt confused, admitting to our own illness or didnt really love our A's in my opinion we wouldnt be here.
Thanks elizabeth for bring this to my attention and making that light bulb go on.

sunshine003

Absolutely Sarah. I choose to move up, move on....but in my efforts, I sometimes get stuck. Venturing out of the unhealthy lifestyle, letting go of an unhealthy comfort zone, is a struggle at times.

I like how when I slip, some of you are right here to call me out on it. It helps to refocus and then I see what it is I'm doing....I catch myself.

I wasn't suggesting you were calling any one person out, I know you were talking in general. To me, it just feels/reads/comes across as "uppity."

Look, I really like it here. I've grown quite a bit, I've fallen as well. Those of you who have made it further in recovery help out a great deal.....but don't forget that you too were where I was. You moved forward, fell back, moved forward, fell back. I learn from your experiences, thank you

pmaslan

Jazz...what do you consider a newbie? Just curious

denny57

OK, sunshine, here's my question for you - why did you take this thread so personally? LOL!!! It's obvious you've been going through a tough time and that's ok. And it's ok to vent about it. You've also had times where you share some good wisdom and insight.

I'm glad the thread was started. Just the other day I was thinking why aren't any of these people posting that they are taking control of their lives? It's frustrating. But we are all different and we move at our own pace. I also think it is sometimes easy to go down the path of bit**ing and forget we are dealing with people we love. Yes, it's frustrating, painful and some things are unforgiveable.

I would hate to see people like patty or judy leave because they are frustrated. Their ESH is very important to me. I, too, wish the posts about recovery received more responses. On the other hand, I understand that this is a safe haven for people to vent when they feel they can't do it with their friends or family.

We learn in Al-Anon (and I'm aware a lot of people do not subscribe to 12 steps) that we need to turn the focus on us. All of us newbies in Al-Anon start out by complaining about the alcoholic and telling everyone within earshot all the latest details of his/her exploits. We soon learn to save those diatribes for our sponsor and to use the meetings for personal recovery and growth.

I hope there is room for all of us and those who are further along in recovery continue to post - especially on the threads regarding recovery, etc.

LaTeeDa

I haven't been posting here all that long. Grizzled old vet, I am not. But I have noticed that people come and people go around here. It seems that those who are only looking for a place to vent and gripe don't stick around very long. Those who are here to find a way to something better tend to stay. Some "get it" quickly, others stay stuck for a long time. The greatest thing to see is someone full of despair change and grow and get better. Not perfect, but better.

Sunshine, you are one of those. You have come such a long way since you first posted here, and I am proud to "know" you. I hope you are not offended by this thread, because you should be proud of yourself and the progress you have made.

Those who are only interested in complaining will not stay because there are too many of us who will call them on that.

I keep coming back here for two reasons. One--it helps to remind me where I was and where I never want to be again. Two--you are all a great bunch of people and a tremendous help when I question myself. If I start to get off track, I know someone here will call my attention to it.

Thanks to everyone,

L

pmaslan

Thanks Denny....

sunshine003

I think I've just been on edge. I have felt very bitc-y today...well, for the past few days. Just all uptight and tense....I haven't felt very accepting either. I am starting to see the brighter side of things today but still feel it a bit.

Thank you la tee da, your compliment and acknowledgement just took that last little bit and tossed it away!

ASpouse

Thanks Denny ..... sometimes I feel as my words are virtual incendiary devices .... many times the posts get heated out of frustration, I will agree with that and I am probably one of the worst violators of that. I know better ..... in my meetings I do more listening and learning. I've learned that each person must find their own way in their own time.

Internet recovery is hard ... there is no inflection, no sorrow in the "tone". It's hard to tell what the "emotional' state is.

Sometimes I see folks so blustery and "bad" if you want to call it that, but what I see is someone scared, afraid as hell as to what the future holds, all that bluster and being "bad" from my POV is fear at it's finest. I personally hate to add to that bluster, because it only prevents the person from facing what they feel is their worst fear.

TexasGirl I think has much deeper problems than just an alcoholic husband, I think he is just a symptom of her insecurities. I do give TG a lot of credit for posting here what she is like, putting things off, hating confrontation etc. That took a lot of courage on her part, I'm sure it is and was painful for her. Hey, I could be off base, it's happened before.

Sunshine, well I think she is doing fine. There is a plan in place and eventually it will come to fruition. Personally for me, I'd like to hear more about the plan and how it's going and encouraging her to stick with it. I understand of course that living with an Alcoholic is no picnic and her husband is no exception. I think she is handling the fear of the unknown quite well.

What I don't see is a whole lot of detaching ...... lots of focus on the Alcoholic and his/her antics. I also notice that when an Alcoholic or recovering alcoholic reads the posts, their answers are all similar ........ and very short and sweet.

This disease/affliction of alcoholism is puzzling and not at the same time. I think that is where people, especially us enablers and co-dependents get confused. How can something that causes me such inner turmoil, physical and mental pain be explained away so simply.

We thrive on the drama, the digging for answers ..... I feel that is why so many people go away with their tails between their legs ..... they are not getting the answers they feel they should get, especially from people who know.

Some folks just aren't ready to do anything about their situation, so they come here, read the boards, try a post or two and then get on with their lives. That's OK too .... we can only advise, guide those who want it .... if they don't, well I for one wish them well and pray for them and their situation. I KNOW I can't fix anything but myself, but if my experience can help someone else, then I want to share it. It's sort of "it is what it is" type of thing.

pmaslan

..........and sometimes there are just no answers.....

megamysterioso

Patty said:

I bet you are smiling and you deserve to smile just like all of us here do. I hope to be in your position one year from now, but for now-- I'm an SR member for only 2 months and my circumstances dictate that I continue my destructive living situation for the next 2 months.

Denny said:

Me too. Both of them have given me a good shake more than once and I think their experiences are great ones to share with newer folks such as myself on the board. I think that it would be a shame if they left for good simply b/c they don't think people are at their level of recovery or will never get to their level of recovery.

There is hope for us ALL here and to me that is the purpose of this board-- to share hope (whether it be hope in living a happy life apart from or with the A). Everyone needs a good vent. It is part of the healing process. I too believe that the folks who post on this board are posting b/c of a need to feel understood, heard and connected. No one here has all the answers! If we did, none of us would be here.

I for one do not post about all of the side business that I'm doing behind AH's back to better my situation for myself. Don't assume "I'm not recovering". I see things for what they are and your "slaps" only encourage me to keep doing the right thing for myself. We all do have choices in life and no one is a "hostage." There are circumstances that prevent some from moving on as quickly as they would like however. I for one do not own anything of value. Seriously--- I've never been a homeowner, I have no trusts, I barely have a savings. I have limited means and options that would only regress all the progress I have made in my life, my finances, my career. We should not forget, myself included, that we don't know every single detail of a person's circumstance on here.

I've actually had someone PM once about "not feeling wanted" around here from something someone said in a post. I told the person that no one here means any offense, we all share different opinions and that it was OK and to not take it personally, et cetera. I told the person that everyone around here has the best intentions and I think I'm right. Right? I have yet to see that person post anything else on this board.

ASpouse

.... that's right Patty, sometimes for some reason we just aren't supposed to know the answers and that is where Faith comes into the equation ...... been there, done that too ...... sigh!