22Tango

Family, AH and I got into the car after a pleasant morning in preparation to find something to do for Easter. He said, "car needs gas". Went to the gas station, stopped the car and said "Here ya go". I said "I just put 15 in on Friday, it's your turn". This man went berserk. He peeled out of the station going about 50 MPH all the way home, screaming at me the whole way. About how I had budgeted 50.00 for gas for every 2 weeks and it should go in first. Hello - MY budget with my money, not his. He has been driving his bike for 2 weeks and has put almost no gas in the car. I put in gas for everyone, his gas only benefits himself. He screamed and ranted all the way home. I kept my voice low and didn't yell, just let him rant and didn't say much, meanwhile the kids are freaking out. He told them we weren't going out and to ask me why.

Got home, peeled into the driveway, told me to get the F*&K out of the car. Calmly said not getting out of the car, because you are angry and I will not let you take the kids anywhere when you are angry. Made the same demand over and over and I calmly refused to get out. Finally he got out and went into the house, and I took the kids into the backyard to play and blow off some steam. Asked if they had been scared (they said they were - ages 5 1/2 and 3) and said I was sorry they had to see stuff like that. He came out and said, I need to talk, I said no, I don't want to talk. Twenty minutes later, he comes out and says going to a meeting or 2, be back later...oh, and by the way, you are manipulating me and there will now be a big change in how the money is handled around here. (He gives me 750 a month in "child support" and from that I pay everything but the mortgage - that money plus what I earn from a part time job for all the utilities, gasoline, clothes, food, sundries, co-pays, car repairs).

My sponsor says I don't have to talk to him when he is being unreasonable. But when I don't he just gets more and more out of control. He is scaring the hell out of me because financially, he holds all the cards. He has been sober for 10 years, to his credit, but emotionally I think it is another story. I stayed calm and tried not to engage. We are teetering on the edge of seperation/divorce - only money is holding us back.

Please - I know it is Easter but I am scared of what he could do legally and financially. And I am tired of being considered difficult and manipulative just because I don't want to do things his way.

It is much more emotional than I am describing it here but I am so rattled I am having a hard time saying what I mean. Please help me.

LaTeeDa

It sounds like he holds a lot of power over you because of money. My suggestion would be to make yourself a plan of how you would deal with things if you had to. I'm not saying you have to put the plan in place, but you need a way to feel that "things would be okay" without him. It will give you peace of mind to deal with what is going on from a place of confidence, instead of a place of fear.

My heart goes out to you and your children. (())

L

rivercitybelle

You might want to check your legal options... legal aide can help let you know what your rights are and are usually low cost. Check out the "stickies" at the top of the forum. Remember "child support" doesn't go away just because he does.
Do something nice for you today... just you.
You DO deserve it.

ASpouse

My situation was not as "explosive" as yours, but similar in many ways. My husband did the same thing to me, although when I asked for money, he gave it to me.

I closed "our" account and said ..... here's all the money from the account. Get your own. I give you all the money I make except for $200/week, that is mine to do with as I please. YOU do the rest. Now for me, this is working, although I still disagree the way he does it, but hey, I gave it to him to handle. We also were not./are not on the verge of divorce/separation, so that would make a huge difference. Talking about money is still very hard for us and I know at some point we will have to.

Personally, from what you describe, if you budget $50 a week for gas for the car, then you should have put the gas in the car and had a nice day. IMVHO, you are as much to blame as he is, and sadly the kids had to see this.

It would have been better to just put the gas in, re-think the budget and if you need more money, ask him for it and explain why you need it.

He's in recovery 10 years? and he is still behaving this way? I think there are other things working here besides him being an alcoholic. Perhaps counselling would work for the both of you to work on your marriage and clear the air about some issues. It just may be a "trust" issue on your part.

jimhere

He is not in recovery. He may be dry and going to meetings, but meetings do not treat the root of the problem. He is an example of what some people call untreated alcoholism. Whatever you call it, it is as unpleasant to live with as active alcoholism. People who believe that not drinking is the answer miss the point by a long ways. Please don't think that I am talking down to you.
Myself I could not treat people that way and maintain sobriety. And just because he is sober doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Have a good Easter in spite of it, if you can.
Jim

FriendofBill

Here here...he has no sobriety I would envy.

I no longer allow anyone to verbally abuse me, especially in front of my child.

He does not like your boundary setting, so he explodes. Sweetie, I highly suggest marital counseling, or at least individual, you do not deserve this abuse.

And it IS abuse.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking its ok to treat a woman that way?

laurie6781

Rune I would like to ask has he been this way for all his 10 years sober or has this behavior started to appear and get worse over the last year or so???

I ask this, because I saw behaviour like this come on with a person I respected in recovery. His wife was in alanon and she started saying how he was and had changed and would describe incidents, only to get a handle on how to react to him. At first he did not exhibit different behaviour in the meetings he attended and the functions, however, pretty soon it started there also.

Finally got him into the hospital for tests after one pretty bad verbal explosion and he fainted. Yep, turned out he had a brain tumor. No, no it wasn't cancer, but it was a very serious surgery they had to do in 1984 and then a 2nd one before they "got it all."

I cite this Jim to remind myself "not to jump to conclusions" when I don't know all the facts. That "happening" when I was only 3 years sober, was an EXCELLENT lesson for this alkie to learn. I keep my "judgments" of others to myself and watch and listen instead.

As far as "helping" you Rune, all I can say is maybe in addition to having a sponsor, you need to go to some private therapy, to help you work on you, to learn how to improve your own "self worth" and thus become able to discuss with your husband your own "expectations" and not just his. Why are you 'scared of what he could do legally and financially'? You live in a state that gives you "equal" rights to justice.

You also say you are tired "of being considered difficult and manipulative just because I don't want to do things his way." Have you worked a 4th and 5th step yet with your Sponsor? This is where we look at our OWN ACTIONS in things and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for our OWN ACTIONS.

I did a 4th and 5th (have done several now in my 25 years) in AA and then low and behold after joining Al-anon (I had married a "sober alcoholic" my 2nd marriage) I had to do another 4th and 5th, once again looking at MY ACTIONS in different situations and events and learning that I was indeed "manipulative" (as I had been accused of being by my hubby) and I was manipulative in a very subtle way, lol.

The above is JMHO.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, and please, please get with your sponsor and at least "think about" some "one on one" therapy with a therapist.

Love and (((((to all))))),

FormerDoormat

Apparently not sorry enough to put an end to it, as you stated your children have seen your husband behave like this before. This is an unhealthy situation for you and and unhealthy situation for your children.

I understand you choose to live this way, but your children don't have a choice. You say your biggest fear of leaving is financial, but you also state that you're only working part time.

Perhaps it's time to seek full time employment, then you can put the fear of not being able to handle things financially on your own behind.

You deserve a better life that what you've described here. Your children do, too. If you can't move forward for youself, perhaps you can for your children.

jimhere

Those are good points, Laurie. Thank you.