Change4life

I have been smoking crack to the point of owning nothing but my car which I sleep in because of being evicted after 24 years, and I have been high evryday every waking hours sometimes staying awake for 4 or 5 days smoking until there is just no way to find $ anymore. My friend Laura and I smoked $32,000 of her $ up in 3 months probably less, and she stopped when the $ ran out, but I just kept going till everything i owned was gone. I havent made it to a meeting yet and rehab is still a far away thought but i have 16 hrs/51 min without using. I know that doesnt sound like a lot, but after the run I have been on. I want to smoke so bad and usually i would be out hustling to get $ somehow, but I am running out of ideas and energy. The day isnt over yet, but if I can make 24 hours it will be unbelievable. I am a cranky miserable b**** right now, border line monster, but Im not running around like a lunatic looking for another rock. I even gagged some food down. Granted I know I am getting $ tuesday and fully intend on getting high, and I am still contemplating ways to get $ tonight, I am only thinking about it and havent physically hit the streets. 17hrs/1 min

rose petals

sorry to hear yor struggle--truly i am---how do you have access to a computer?--laptop or something--anyway--wow--it is a hard place to be--keep postin--i care about you
laura

splendra

((((bfree))))

I am so proud of you. Keep that chin up!!We are all pulling for you. Take good care!!!

Change4life

for those of you wondering about my computer access, I try to park my car near school, I never bothered to go to classes, but its paid for and I have I.D. so I stay at school while it is open, then back to the car. Ispend most of my time in the b-room smoking and then walk around or grub money for the bus to go cop. Ican also catch a shower there as wel,. Although i am so Friggin skinny I cant stand to see myself naked. 18hrs/20min and counting. but I am desperate to get high. I keepcalling the guy that will front me but he is not picking up because someone got shot last night where all the dealings go on, and it is too hot. I am going crazy. absolutely crazy. I am thinking of just selling my car also so I can get high, but then i will rreally be in the streets. I got the car from someone i have an emotional attatchment to, I think that is the only thing stopping me. In the meantime another 4 minutes have past and I feel like banging my head agaianst a brick wall. Thank rosepetals, and Slendra.

Anna

Bfree,

If your intention is to stop using and get clean, then you are more than welcome to post here and you'll get loads of support.

If your intention is to score again by selling your car or just waiting till you get money next Tuesday you can use for drugs, maybe this is not the best place for you to be.

It's definitely not necessary to be clean/sober to post here, please don't misunderstand. But, when you're talking about finding ways to get money to score drugs, I'm worried that this will upset some people who post here and are trying hard to stay clean/sober.

Change4life

thanks anna Im gone

Change4life

I wouldnt want to upset nayone by communicating what I am going through. what do you think I am trying to sell mycar, or score here.
I am already in a state of total rage and frustration, I didnt expect this.
NO PROBLEM i WONT POST ANYMORE.
YOU CAN STOP WORRYING NOW.
tHANK YOU TO THOSE THAT HAVE TRIED TO SHOW SUPPORT.
Anna I will think of you every hit I ever take for the rest of my life.

Change4life

was on 19hrs/29 min

Anna

Bfree4u,

I definitely don't want you to leave as long as you are interested in stopping. We have a great community here and offer loads of support. You have brought a lot to SR and have been generous here as well. You are valued here.

Please don't misunderstand my intention. I felt that your posts were leaning more towards "how can I possibly get high" than towards "please help me stop".

2dayzmuse

Take a deep breath, step back and think about what Anna is saying. She isn't trying to hurt you or make you angry. Turn the tables, and I believe you will see her point from a different perspective. Remember, the only thing stopping you from quitting, is you. This is no excuse for you to go out and use. I know how addicts minds work. Oh how I know...

Phinneas

bfree - we've been trying to help you... but no one can save you but you. This is between you and god now, if you decide not to come back. This board is here for you and for ANYONE who has a desire to be free of the hell of addiction.

I urge you to get help. I pray for you. That's all I can do.

Gooch

That guy that isn;t answering might be the Godsend that helps you get through the first 24.

And don't run off.. I think Anna was just trying to help you understand if you got some cranky replies..

BLackshirt

Deep breath in...hold it...deep breath out.

I agree with Gooch, the guy that isn't answering is most likely a Godsend for you. You are so close to 1 day, break it down into the minutes, half minutes if you must. Just take baby steps and you can do it!

Change4life

He will call as soon as things are looking good. That will be the Godsend. lokking for help was a mistake on my part, I am not ready
goodnight

Anna

Bfree4u,

The light is always, always on and we'll always be here.

Please be safe.

2stop

when you're ready.....we'll be here.

hope you change your mind about getting some help, going to rehab.

****{Hugs}}}

requiredfield

I don't know that you're going to see this post, but it's worth replying. And let me just start by saying, I'm sorry if I come off harsh, but I think that with what I know of your circumstance, it would be best if I tried to give you a realistic, tough opinion rather than hugs and support.

First of all, stop looking for any reason to stop posting here or a reason to use.

Furthermore, try to look at how twisted your thinking has become. You think this guy calling you back is a Godsend? What if this score is the one that takes you out for good? That's a Godsend? Say for example you made it the first 24 hours, went to a meeting and picked up a 24 chip... even though you have every intention of scoring on Tues. you really have no idea what might happen b/w now and then. When I started in the halls, I was just checking it out, I had EVERY intention of drinking/drugging again. And what do you know? It's been over a year since I last used. And my life is amazing and NOTHING like what it was before. There is no difference b/w you and me, what has caused us pain, and what the cause of our using is/was. Drinking and drugging is only a symptom of underlying causes. The only diff. b/w you and me now is that I finally got honest with myself, and made a choice to LIVE rather than DIE.

You ARE ready to get help b/c if you weren't, you wouldn't have created a username and have over 320 posts on here. I truly believe that people who get sober are people who have the ability to get honest with themselves. And I believe if you have been trying for this long, (since you started posting) there is some honest part of you that is trying to shine through and rise above this addiction. The sadest part, and the reality is... if you don't take the first step you WILL end up in one of three places.. jail, looney bin, or dead.

It's just going to get worse and worse. But ultimately YOU are the only one that can take that first step.

Change4life

25hrs/18min without using