elizabeth1979

When we attempt to control an alcoholic by thinking things like...

Its for their own good
They are miserable anyway
If they would just listen
I can help you
I know whats best
Your way isnt working
Ive been there

It is negative control and most can see that is not a desired behavior.

Now switch the word alcoholic... with.... another codependent.

When we attempt to control another codependent by thinking things like...

Its for their own good
They are miserable anyway
If they would just listen
I can help you
I know whats best
Your way isnt working
Ive been there


Is it still negative control?

ASpouse

I would say yes, controlling is controlling and <blush> I'm sorry to say I do that!!!

megamysterioso

Yes, I think it is too even though we have good intentions. We have "good intentions" with the addicts in our life too ya know? "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." LOL

Ceridwen

hi - only experience I have is that in alanon meetings there is no - you should do this, or that will end in tears, just a sharing of experience and sometimes a prod to question your own motives. but honestly we can all only speak from our own experience, we can't predict the future (argghhh, its so easy to do!!!) I can't predict the future....

Zoey

Good thread Elizabeth, Very very good. Thank you.
Suppose any of us are affected by the full moon??
Sometimes I think I am. Never been sure.

GettingBy

Yuppers... I'm guilty of it too today, unfortunately. I hate that I can be so controlling... in so many aspects of life.

elizabeth1979

My intention was to get people thinking.

I do it all the time..not thinking..but controling

I do it for all the reasons above, and do not limit it to other codies. I do it at work, at with my friends, with my family, all over the place I find myself doing this.

I have a friend who was dating a jerk some time ago. It sent me. I couldnt stand it. I used to get irritated because she wouldnt listen to me.
She wasnt ready, but more importantly I had no business telling her to stop dating a jerk...not my place and to add insult to injury I was living with a lazy alcoholic. Im a codie, I hated seeing her upset, she was better than that, yada yada yada.

Maybe coincidence, maybe not..but she valued my words more and actually..here it is...asked for my opinion...when I was living the life I wanted...not hating my own life and trying to fix hers.

My point is, that this all goes back to another example of the only life we can control and effectively change is ours. All the more reason to keep on keeping on with our recovery!

pmaslan

I need a new broom from all the sweeping to keep my side of the street clean!!!!!

elizabeth1979

Me too Patty! Brooms dont work for me, too slow..Im a vaccuum girl..too much dirt over on my side!

Minx1969

[QUOTE=elizabeth1979]
Maybe coincidence, maybe not..but she valued my words more and actually..here it is...asked for my opinion...[QUOTE]

That is it in a nutshell...I don't give advice anymore..unless it is asked for..

I only help people who want my help..So people I mentor, coach or sponsor or if someone asks..

otherwise I try and keep my mouth shut..not easy but not having to make amends is a good thing..

I also learned to set good boundaries..I had a girlfriend in an abusive relationship a few years ago..she was sucking my energy from me but venting all the time..

I set a boundary by telling her that I would not talk to her anymore about the guy..we could talk about other things..just not him..

Aquiana

Totally! I'd say it works about as well too. Good question. rrfgcca (That was my son's 2 cents! lol)

pmaslan

Good Boundry Mix.....I had the same situation with a friend of mine recently.
She doesn't call as often as she used to anymore.....mission accomplished IMHO