Missy

I'm getting back into my pathetic mode. I am having trouble detaching from my AH... He is paranoid and needs to be joined at the hip.
He rages on everything I want to do without him. He accuses me of being with another man in our every conversation.
He controls event he underwear I wear. When he calls me at work and I am not at my desk, he wants to know who I have been with, where I was and what I was doing. He runs for the phone at home. If I take out the garbage and am gone too long... he comes looking.
I am truly in love with this man but not his drinking. He doesnt think that he drinks enough to get any help.... da! then why am I going to Al-anon which isnt really working.
Someone I am friends with at work is retiring and I'd like to go to a function for just an hour to bid him well. I'm paranoid about telling my AH because he will make sure he is there too. I NEED MY SPACE.... I NEED TO DETATCH....
I want some feedback on your experiences of detatching.....
Thanks,

elizabeth1979

Hi Karen!
I think some of that beahvior may be attributed to a controling persons nature just as much, if not more so that of an alcoholic. However, an underlying issue could be low self esteem. If one is not comfortable in their own skin, and can see why you would want to be with someone else due to his drinking or whatever else, then he will continue to drink more to deal with his feeling like he isnt good enough for you, or he will change whatever it is he thinks would make you go somewhere else.
Rregardless of what he chooses, you have the power to control your own life and your own space. Sounds like boundaries are in order here!

What are you going to do for your own space?
Turn off your phone?
Dont run to it every time it rings?
Let him run home to check up on yo ua few times and find you cooking dinner with the music on too loud to hear the phone?

Minx1969

hi KarenM and welcome to SR..

Glad to see that you are going to Alanon..Just curious as to why it's not working? Do you have a sponsor? Have you used the phone list and called some others in the program?

Have you tried therapy as well? Your husband appears to be extremely controlling..which is not necessarily an issue related to his drinking..

Can you not view his words as "quacking" or is his tone towards you threatening as well?

Missy

After about 8 months of Al-anon I had asked someone to go through the steps with me. I can see everyone else is happy and I feel like the only pathetic one there.
I also am getting over the thought "why would they want to hear what I have to say when they all have their own baggage"
I lost an 18 year old son 2 years ago and feel guilty not being able to greive him on my own. His birthday of 21 was yesterday. We are christians and that is what is keeping me going.
People I work with say I used to be fun and I'm not anymore. I finally had to tell my boss what is going on because my AH calls so often at work when he is drinking.
I've been reading this board I stumbled across for a long time and feel good about what I read.
My AH is threatning when he drinks.... his eyes bulge out and he shakes. Hasnt hit me or hurt me though. On my al-anon nights he sometimes blocks the door so I cant leave. He has even run out into the garage naked once to stop me. That time I did laugh...... hmmm
I'm interested in what others have done with their crazy A's

Minx1969

Karen,

First of all..You need to stop viewing yourself as pathetic..Trust me when I say that most of us have been where you are..

You are not pathetic..you are just in a difficult situation and don't yet have the coping skills..you can get those through here, ALanon or counselling..

I want you to write down 10 things you like about yourself ok?

Also..people in Alanon LOVE to help..that's why we are in ALANON..I am on my 2nd sponsor..both are loving wonderful women who are there for me..I also sponsor someone and I am always willing to be there for her as well..Helping other people in Alanon is part of what helps us get better..it gets me out of my crazy mind..

Pick up a phone list from one of your meetings and start calling people when your A is bugging out..trust me it helps.

You may want to look into counselling through a domestic violence shelter..usually they have free counselling for all women whether you are physically abused or not..or maybe there is free employee counselling through work? both are good options..

When I was with my exabf it so affected my work I eventually left my job..I couldn't concentrate and was a mess...today (it's been almost 2 years) i"m very happy and content..even when life throughs blips me way..

I had another exABf kind of like your husband..threatened to hit me etc.. I didn't quite learn how to ignore him (he was a big guy) but managed to leave the house when needed etc..

Missy

OK.... guess I'm starting to 'get it" My temporary is out of town till monday and I think I will call another person. My temp. is coming over next sat and we are starting to do the "work". it does however make you wonder if he is really that bad or am I really that bad....
I just get so angry that I'm not the drinker and have to be the one to go through so much and feel that I am paying my AH's consequences....

Minx1969

Karen,

You know what I figured out..that I needed to do the work too..that I was reacting to his stuff..because of stuff in my past...I had to look at my part..which was the controlling, the reacting etc. etc. that I did in my relationships..

today there are still people that trigger me (No active alcoholism) but I don't let it bother me..

The trick is to get to a point where we don't let their drinking or stinking thinking get to us..

so that we can live a life that is happy joyous and free..whether they are drinking or not..

Ayers1995

Hi Karen,

I have an AH that does the same things you described above. If I was gone to the video store too long, he'd call wanting to know who 'I was doing'? It really pushed me to a point that I couldn't take it anymore. I'd had plenty of opportunity to do something, had I ever wanted to, but he couldn't accept that i loved him and wanted our marriage to work.

It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with his insecurities. Most of the time I've heard that the one pointing the fingers is the one who has something to hide. My AH was even checking my messages in the middle of the night. It was pathetic. I moved out in March to try and work on my issues and let him work on his. He is trying to change and do better, but he slips every once in a while. Anyway.. back at the issue at hand... these things don't have anything to do with what kind of person or wife you are. You keep reading and learning all you can about alcoholism and codependency.... You should read a book called 'empowered recovery', I just finished it and it was a great read. It helped alot.

megamysterioso

Ayers is right on this one. My AH used to be the same way when he initially felt me pulling away from him to regain my OWN peace. I finally told him, "either you will give ME the time that I need or you can do whatever it is you need to do." Basically, I told him to quit pressuring and smothering me and if he couldn't respect that ONE request of mine then HE could leave. I was prepared for whatever he chose to do. I just felt like I would go insane if one of the two did not happen and happen immediately. He backed off a lot and I've had a lot of therapeaudic time with myself to hash out my own thoughts and feelings.

dan1958

Hi Karen,
Your not alone when your here in this group. I understand about the Cazy A frist hand. I think what you are doing is the right thing for yourself. When he acts up at home go into another room lock the door if you have to. You need to not let him get to you. I know its easer said then done. But,hang in there.

Missy

OMG... I thought I was the only one... yes, my AH too checks for messages in the dark. He goes through my drawers and checks to see that they are the same from when he checked before. He watches me get ready for work in the mornings
I am at work right now... i just came out of a meeting and there was a msg from him screaming as to where I was...ARGHHHHHH! and the worst part... I'm gaining weight because all I want to do is sleep. but you guys are awsome and I feel so good now. cant wait to go home and start living for Karen !

Tiredx5

(((Karen)))
Hang in there! I too am going through the calls...the screaming. I took it (and sometimes I still do) but I am working on me...and it truly has helped me alot to say in my head "quack quack quack" all the while he is "ranting and raving and screaming!". Definately puts a smile on my face instead of the crying I would do!
Hugs to you!

megamysterioso

(((Karen)))--- yep-- go home and take care of YOU and nope-- you are not alone!

Aquiana

Just out of curiosity if your boss is aware of the phone calls from him, would they be able to step in and help you out. I had a girl I worked with who used to get calls from a really nasty bf. She didn't want to speak to him at work. I was her boss so the next time he called, I answered and told him that no she couldn't talk to him because it was a place for business, not for personal calls. He never called there again. At least it might give you a little break from him when you aren't at home.

I'm glad you are ready to live for yourself. Don't let him get you down.

Ayers1995

My husband would call me up at work. If I couldn't get to the phone (I worked at a bank) he would then call my cell phone. If I couldn't answer because we were swamped... He'd call back. This is what he'd do. I'd answer... he'd sound all panicked... Hunter just fell off the swing set and broke his leg...we're on the way to the ER. I'd freak out! Get ready to leave and he'd call back and say he was kidding...that that's the reason I have a cell and I should answer it. He called again and told me that blood was all over the house that Austin cut his foot bad...they were going to the ER... I hung up on him. When I got home, there was blood everywhere. He had actually cut his foot, and my AH was telling him that I didn't care about him (son) that I didn't come home to take care of him that I loved my job more than him.

Yes. This can be very sick. I put up with this kind of mental abuse for a long time. This is just two of many many sick things that he's done. He called me at Hollywood video... said, "I just wanted to see where you were, Matt (our neighbor) left about 5 minutes after you did and I wanted to see if ya'll were meeting up somewhere." I said, " yeah, AH because that's the kind of **** I am!" and hung up the phone...

minnie

Ladies, this is very sick behaviour you are describing.

I hope you realise that you are worthy of having lives of your own, even within the scope of a relationship?

Easy for me to say, I know. It just pains me to hear these stories.

Missy

So what do we do... Just this morning when I got to work, AH calls me and wanted to know why there are so many calls on HIS cell phone from his spervisor. Was his supervisor really trying to call me? That must be the new MAN I am trying to be with.
He has called now about 10 times in a crazy mode wanting to know why his boss is calling me.
My AH needs neck surgery from a fall he had while drinking. His Dr approached him on his drinking and told him he is a surgery risk with the alcohol in his system and made an apt to see a psycologist (sp?) ahead of time. With his alcohol and bleeding, he could die on the table.
Easter has always been big for me. I wont invite anyone over because i dont know what level of psyco my AH will be in.

mallowcup

Don't tell him about the going away party. Go to the party. What's the worst thing that can happen? Will he hit you? He is mentally ill, you can't live winthin someones mental illness. You can die in it. He is paranoid. If he continues this behavior that will get worse, call an ambulance and have him taken to the mental health unit of your nearest hospital. You could call his doctor and discuss the degree of his illness. My ex used to sit at my job watching. I was a waitress at the Ground Round. He'd sit in a booth and watch all day. He'd wait for me to get done and then demand my tips. In the simple course of a work day, trying to make tips, I was friendly. It became humiliating and unbearable. Exhausted from work the only thing I had to look forward to was his interigations.

mallowcup

You need to start confiding in the people around you. They need to be aware of this. Stop covering it up. You need the support.

Missy

Agree and so early in the morning now... I'm at my desk and the phone keeps ringing. If my boss were here, and she is not... I'd have her answer my phone. I'm afraid if I tell the people I sit around...I won't be able to handle all the talk and gossip and judgments. Unless your in this situation, you really dont know and it is easy to tell someone else what to do unless you've walked the walk. That is why I am hesitant of opening up to my family and stuff. My best freind doesnt even know what is going on because they would come and kill my AH