I was on Dr. Laura!
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Location: Texas
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I was on Dr. Laura!
Some of you know, she's my fave. I'm going to paste in my "transcript" from the show just in case anyone wants to read it. Maybe it will help someone else too. Some of the things I said weren't that eloquent...especially when you see them in writing. But you get kind of thrown off guard with her! 
M, welcome to the program.
Hi Dr. Laura.
Hi.
Um, OK, I’m married to an alcoholic, and first of all, I think I should tell you that I do not plan to have kids with him and I’m taking measures to prevent that. So know that up front.
OK.
Part of me feels like I should leave and part of me is really afraid to do so, and I want to know how I can get over those fears.
Afraid of what?
Um, well while I was on hold, I started making a list so I would be prepared for that.
Sure.
Well first of all, because we’re married. That’s the obvious one. And, I don’t want him to be mad at me, and I don’t want to hurt him. And I know these sound ridiculous, but…
Yeah, they do so far.
That’s how I feel.
They really do so far. They really do so far. Um, no let’s slow down, they really do sound ridiculous. I’m glad you’re aware of it.
But they’re valid.
He doesn’t care, you know what, no they’re not valid.
But they’re what I’m thinking, is what I’m saying, they’re…
They’re not valid. They’re not valid. They’re excuses.
For what?
They tell me that you’re an insecure young woman.
I’m terribly insecure, I know that.
Who, for whom, people liking her is more important than her doing the right thing, in general, forget about just this circumstance. See, you’re not the person I would take into battle with me. Because your convictions don’t exist, it’s all about if people are going to like you.
And so what do I do to, to stop that?
Well, I don’t know, if I’m afraid of going into a dark closet, how do I get over my fear of that?
You just do it.
That’s correct. And the more you test yourself in that way, and that goes for any of us. When I dive off the high diving board, what do you do? You jump off the high diving board. And the more times you do it, the less scary it is. And that goes for everything mundane or not.
Well, this is a big first one, wouldn’t you say?
You know, size doesn’t matter. Ha! Sorry. That’s what I’m told anyway. Ugh, you know, what do you want to start with? Orange juice?
Well, I can decide if I want orange juice or not!
You deal with what you have to deal with in life. And if you don’t, you’ll always be in a bad place having a bad life. It’s up to you.
I don’t want to have to think about this anymore. I’m tired of worrying about it, and worrying what I’m going to do, and keeping everyone OK and…
Well, you’re doing that because you don’t want to have to make a move. The obsessing is that you don’t want to have to make a move.
I am afraid to make a move. I mean, I am.
Right. Well, you’re not going to have a very good life, M.
Well, that’s pretty sad.
Yes it is, but it’s totally in your control. You don’t want to make waves. You don’t want to annoy people. You don’t want to confront situations truthfully. You can never make history with your life.
That is so me, in a nutshell!
That’s very sad, but it’s in your control to change it.
OK.
You use your brain.
Well, I’m smart enough to do it.
You use your brain to make the decision. And there is no life with a drunk.
Yeah, it sucks. It really does.
There’s no life with a drunk. Truly his feelings don’t really matter.
Well, they do a little bit.
No. His feelings don’t matter!
Well they do a little.
Until he decides, no they don’t matter at all!
That’s hard for me to accept.
Well, I think you’ve got to think about that. He’s not really concerned about his impact on anybody. He’s not concerned about the breaches of morality and kindness and compassion and responsibilities. His feelings don’t count until he decides to become human again.
He is still responsible in that he makes a living for us.
That’s nice.
OK. OK.
But that’s your excuse. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He doesn’t care about hurting anybody else’s. Isn’t it supposed to go both ways?
It is.
And that’s not a reason to stay in a marriage where you’re not going to be able to have children.
Yeah. I’m terrified.
You’re not terrified. Would you stop using huge words? And stop giggling, it’s annoying me.
Ugh, I’m sorry, that’s what I do when I’m nervous.
I don’t care. Stop it. Stop it!
OK! Ugh, I can’t stop it!
Stop the giggling! Yes you can. Don’t tell me you can’t stop a nervous habit.
OK.
You can choose not to. You can choose to stop sounding like a silly little girl. It’s up to you.
OK.
Is that the impression you want to leave me?
Um, I guess not, no.
OK, well then stop it. And stop using hyperbole. You’re not terrified. Being in a burning building is terrifying.
That’s true.
Having to stand up and have a spine and having to make decisions in life is being an adult. That’s what we call it. We call it being an adult.
I don’t think I’ve ever really made a real decision on my own. Honestly, I mean, I have…
It’s called being an adult.
I have little ones, but I don’t know…
So, you haven’t before. What does that mean? You’re never going to?
I guess I could not ever going to, but I don't…
Yes, there are people who never, and they bounce from one alcoholic to another abuser to another druggie to another something.
Well, I certainly don’t want that.
And then they call me at 60 and tell me they’re miserable and there’s not much I can do at that point.
OK.
So you need to stop the giggling. You need to take yourself seriously. You have as much right as anyone else to take your own life seriously.
And just go get in the dark closet, huh? Oh, I’m sorry, I laughed. I’m sorry.
No, that was a joke, you’re allowed to laugh at a joke.
Good, cause it was funny.
Ha, ha, ha. You just can’t laugh as a way of avoiding yourself.
Thank you.
But laughing at jokes is cool. I do it all the time. So, if you’d like to call me back in a week with your game plan.
OK, I will….I have a job offer in another city.
Um hum, so you do have a game plan.
I’ve worked on a game plan, but I’d have to quit my job today to tell my boss today because it’s two weeks today and I’m freaking out about it.
Right, you have to show him respect. Well, instead of thinking about yourself, think about that shows your boss respect.
Well, I’m going to tell her, I wouldn’t just leave. I have to make a decision today.
No, I’m pointing out instead of going into the “I’m scared” thing, call it “I’m being responsible.”
OK.
Sometimes being responsible brings up a little adrenaline. But I would ask you to stop using words like terrified, afraid, just stop using those words. You have other words. I’m concerned. I’m being responsible. I’m facing new challenges. Call it different things. And they elicit even from yourself a different emotion.
OK, that’s true.
But don’t you dare laugh at yourself again, ever. You’re as worthy of respect as anyone else.
OK.
Thank you.
You're welcome. I’m Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I’ll be right back.
M, welcome to the program.
Hi Dr. Laura.
Hi.
Um, OK, I’m married to an alcoholic, and first of all, I think I should tell you that I do not plan to have kids with him and I’m taking measures to prevent that. So know that up front.
OK.
Part of me feels like I should leave and part of me is really afraid to do so, and I want to know how I can get over those fears.
Afraid of what?
Um, well while I was on hold, I started making a list so I would be prepared for that.
Sure.
Well first of all, because we’re married. That’s the obvious one. And, I don’t want him to be mad at me, and I don’t want to hurt him. And I know these sound ridiculous, but…
Yeah, they do so far.
That’s how I feel.
They really do so far. They really do so far. Um, no let’s slow down, they really do sound ridiculous. I’m glad you’re aware of it.
But they’re valid.
He doesn’t care, you know what, no they’re not valid.
But they’re what I’m thinking, is what I’m saying, they’re…
They’re not valid. They’re not valid. They’re excuses.
For what?
They tell me that you’re an insecure young woman.
I’m terribly insecure, I know that.
Who, for whom, people liking her is more important than her doing the right thing, in general, forget about just this circumstance. See, you’re not the person I would take into battle with me. Because your convictions don’t exist, it’s all about if people are going to like you.
And so what do I do to, to stop that?
Well, I don’t know, if I’m afraid of going into a dark closet, how do I get over my fear of that?
You just do it.
That’s correct. And the more you test yourself in that way, and that goes for any of us. When I dive off the high diving board, what do you do? You jump off the high diving board. And the more times you do it, the less scary it is. And that goes for everything mundane or not.
Well, this is a big first one, wouldn’t you say?
You know, size doesn’t matter. Ha! Sorry. That’s what I’m told anyway. Ugh, you know, what do you want to start with? Orange juice?
Well, I can decide if I want orange juice or not!
You deal with what you have to deal with in life. And if you don’t, you’ll always be in a bad place having a bad life. It’s up to you.
I don’t want to have to think about this anymore. I’m tired of worrying about it, and worrying what I’m going to do, and keeping everyone OK and…
Well, you’re doing that because you don’t want to have to make a move. The obsessing is that you don’t want to have to make a move.
I am afraid to make a move. I mean, I am.
Right. Well, you’re not going to have a very good life, M.
Well, that’s pretty sad.
Yes it is, but it’s totally in your control. You don’t want to make waves. You don’t want to annoy people. You don’t want to confront situations truthfully. You can never make history with your life.
That is so me, in a nutshell!
That’s very sad, but it’s in your control to change it.
OK.
You use your brain.
Well, I’m smart enough to do it.
You use your brain to make the decision. And there is no life with a drunk.
Yeah, it sucks. It really does.
There’s no life with a drunk. Truly his feelings don’t really matter.
Well, they do a little bit.
No. His feelings don’t matter!
Well they do a little.
Until he decides, no they don’t matter at all!
That’s hard for me to accept.
Well, I think you’ve got to think about that. He’s not really concerned about his impact on anybody. He’s not concerned about the breaches of morality and kindness and compassion and responsibilities. His feelings don’t count until he decides to become human again.
He is still responsible in that he makes a living for us.
That’s nice.
OK. OK.
But that’s your excuse. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He doesn’t care about hurting anybody else’s. Isn’t it supposed to go both ways?
It is.
And that’s not a reason to stay in a marriage where you’re not going to be able to have children.
Yeah. I’m terrified.
You’re not terrified. Would you stop using huge words? And stop giggling, it’s annoying me.
Ugh, I’m sorry, that’s what I do when I’m nervous.
I don’t care. Stop it. Stop it!
OK! Ugh, I can’t stop it!
Stop the giggling! Yes you can. Don’t tell me you can’t stop a nervous habit.
OK.
You can choose not to. You can choose to stop sounding like a silly little girl. It’s up to you.
OK.
Is that the impression you want to leave me?
Um, I guess not, no.
OK, well then stop it. And stop using hyperbole. You’re not terrified. Being in a burning building is terrifying.
That’s true.
Having to stand up and have a spine and having to make decisions in life is being an adult. That’s what we call it. We call it being an adult.
I don’t think I’ve ever really made a real decision on my own. Honestly, I mean, I have…
It’s called being an adult.
I have little ones, but I don’t know…
So, you haven’t before. What does that mean? You’re never going to?
I guess I could not ever going to, but I don't…
Yes, there are people who never, and they bounce from one alcoholic to another abuser to another druggie to another something.
Well, I certainly don’t want that.
And then they call me at 60 and tell me they’re miserable and there’s not much I can do at that point.
OK.
So you need to stop the giggling. You need to take yourself seriously. You have as much right as anyone else to take your own life seriously.
And just go get in the dark closet, huh? Oh, I’m sorry, I laughed. I’m sorry.
No, that was a joke, you’re allowed to laugh at a joke.
Good, cause it was funny.
Ha, ha, ha. You just can’t laugh as a way of avoiding yourself.
Thank you.
But laughing at jokes is cool. I do it all the time. So, if you’d like to call me back in a week with your game plan.
OK, I will….I have a job offer in another city.
Um hum, so you do have a game plan.
I’ve worked on a game plan, but I’d have to quit my job today to tell my boss today because it’s two weeks today and I’m freaking out about it.
Right, you have to show him respect. Well, instead of thinking about yourself, think about that shows your boss respect.
Well, I’m going to tell her, I wouldn’t just leave. I have to make a decision today.
No, I’m pointing out instead of going into the “I’m scared” thing, call it “I’m being responsible.”
OK.
Sometimes being responsible brings up a little adrenaline. But I would ask you to stop using words like terrified, afraid, just stop using those words. You have other words. I’m concerned. I’m being responsible. I’m facing new challenges. Call it different things. And they elicit even from yourself a different emotion.
OK, that’s true.
But don’t you dare laugh at yourself again, ever. You’re as worthy of respect as anyone else.
OK.
Thank you.
You're welcome. I’m Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I’ll be right back.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I like dr laura too, tg. I think you did great and my goodness, I would have done the giggley thing as well. She called you right out on it, didn't she?
Everything she said makes such sense. It is about taking responsibility for your life. It's about time you (we) quit putting the responsibility of our happiness on your ah's. I mean, we've done it over and over and it doesn't work. We think that because we had a good week we can't leave. As if there has to be some big "blow out" for it to make sense. It is time to grow up.
TG, tell your boss today! Take responsibility of your life....don't be miserable. You know what else? I bet someday, when you meet someone else and he is able to be a partner to you, you'll look at life so much differently....I bet you'll even KNOW the answer to whether or not you want kids, etc.
Maybe your ah will be mad at you, so what? Just like she said, his feelings don't matter right now.
Everything she said makes such sense. It is about taking responsibility for your life. It's about time you (we) quit putting the responsibility of our happiness on your ah's. I mean, we've done it over and over and it doesn't work. We think that because we had a good week we can't leave. As if there has to be some big "blow out" for it to make sense. It is time to grow up.
TG, tell your boss today! Take responsibility of your life....don't be miserable. You know what else? I bet someday, when you meet someone else and he is able to be a partner to you, you'll look at life so much differently....I bet you'll even KNOW the answer to whether or not you want kids, etc.
Maybe your ah will be mad at you, so what? Just like she said, his feelings don't matter right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Oceanside, CA
Posts: 36
That sure sounds like Dr. Laura. I try to listen to her whenever I'm in the car between 12 and 3 each day. Her approach may seem harsh but when you really think about what she is saying, she is so right. How often do we make decisions and life choices for other people and our ah's instead of "doing the right thing" for ourselves?
When did you call in? I hope you are still taking the job in another city. Please don't back down now, you've come this far. If you back down now, all will be lost and you will be back to square one.
I will say a little prayer for you to keep your strength. Take care TG.
When did you call in? I hope you are still taking the job in another city. Please don't back down now, you've come this far. If you back down now, all will be lost and you will be back to square one.
I will say a little prayer for you to keep your strength. Take care TG.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Well that was pretty "in your face". I think she brings up some good paradigm shift exercises. For instance, I tend to laugh when I'm nervous. Recognized it years ago and even though I've made a lot of progress I still catch myself sometimes.
It's all rooted in self esteem.
It's all rooted in self esteem.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: SYDNEY NSW
Posts: 156
Sorry gals and guys, think I shifted prematurely in first gear.
Dr Laura is not shown here in Aus, but I have alot of respect for Dr Phil which features here at 12am Sydney time. He tells it like it is.
Dr Laura is not shown here in Aus, but I have alot of respect for Dr Phil which features here at 12am Sydney time. He tells it like it is.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
His feelings don’t count until he decides to become human again.
Perhaps there are many reasons why his feelings shouldn't count in your decision. Sometimes decisions need to be made despite feelings, sometimes we need to survive and be aware we didn't create what is actually hurting someone else.
But - we are human, we are all human.
I'm afraid she wouldn't be someone who I'd seek wisdom from - that's not to say she can never be right, just I don't want what she has.
I thought you did fine though TG!!
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
She does make sense. I've heard her say before that some people don't like her because she's rude. She said that she has to be rude sometimes to get ahold of people and make them face the truth. She said she's not a mean person, but it's a way to make people see clearer. I believe that.
As for the giggling thing, oh, it's TERRIBLE. I KNOW I laugh when I'm nervous. Although I knew I did it, I guess I never really thought about what that conveyed to other people. More to work on, I guess. *sigh*
But other news, I told my boss yesterday. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was hard because I like her, and it was hard because I'm leaving and changing, and it was hard because of what this could represent. I still don't feel comfortable...I want to go to her and say, you know what, scratch everything I said yesterday. But I'm doing it anyway. My pep squad here doesn't hurt either.
Cat, I was the first caller yesterday.
Jazz, it is all about self-esteem. She pegged me...I am terribly insecure.
As for the giggling thing, oh, it's TERRIBLE. I KNOW I laugh when I'm nervous. Although I knew I did it, I guess I never really thought about what that conveyed to other people. More to work on, I guess. *sigh*
But other news, I told my boss yesterday. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was hard because I like her, and it was hard because I'm leaving and changing, and it was hard because of what this could represent. I still don't feel comfortable...I want to go to her and say, you know what, scratch everything I said yesterday. But I'm doing it anyway. My pep squad here doesn't hurt either.
Cat, I was the first caller yesterday.
Jazz, it is all about self-esteem. She pegged me...I am terribly insecure.
alcohol-kicked-my butt
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: oregon
Posts: 191
dr laura is a pinhead --my hubbie stayed with me--he knew i was sick and knew he loved me--our love is deep and real and our life is beautiful--my feelings did matter and i DID feel horrid about how i was making my family feel--ifelt lower than scum and hated every breathing moment--my hubbie loved me thru it and i dont know 2 happier folks
Laura
Laura
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If like me, you were not raised in an environment that nurtured good self esteem, you have to develop it on your own. She also points out how to do this. Make a move, learn and grow with each risk you take enjoy each subsequent success. Then do it again, then again....
You're taking your 1st big step and you'll do just fine.
You're taking your 1st big step and you'll do just fine.
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Originally Posted by rose petals
my hubbie stayed with me--he knew i was sick and knew he loved me--our love is deep and real and our life is beautiful--my feelings did matter and i DID feel horrid about how i was making my family feel--ifelt lower than scum and hated every breathing moment--my hubbie loved me thru it and i dont know 2 happier folks
Laura
Laura
I know my ex felt horrible about choices she made, no doubt in my feeble mind. I'm glad you were able to make a change for the positive. You deserve a big pat on the back!
I wish everyone had the strength to make the change you did.
This forum would empty of posters.
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TexasGIrl,
When you called in, what were you hoping to accomplish? People asked me that after I was on the Dr Phil show. I personaly thought if I heard it from someone like him, I would listen and I knew, he would tell me to leave. You pretty much knew what Dr Laura was going to say right? So how do you feel now?
Do you feel allowed or permitted to run your life the way you want it now?
Jazz is right on..if we are not ever taught self esteem and never encouraged to think on our own and like ourselves and trust ourselves enough to make our own decisions, then we have to learn it later. You are learning it.
Every decisions you make for YOURSELF and YOUR FUTURE is easier than the last...
So how do you feel now?
When you called in, what were you hoping to accomplish? People asked me that after I was on the Dr Phil show. I personaly thought if I heard it from someone like him, I would listen and I knew, he would tell me to leave. You pretty much knew what Dr Laura was going to say right? So how do you feel now?
Do you feel allowed or permitted to run your life the way you want it now?
Jazz is right on..if we are not ever taught self esteem and never encouraged to think on our own and like ourselves and trust ourselves enough to make our own decisions, then we have to learn it later. You are learning it.
Every decisions you make for YOURSELF and YOUR FUTURE is easier than the last...
So how do you feel now?
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Honestly, Jazz, I don't know what happened to my self-esteem. My parents always told me I was smart, beautiful, you name it. Whatever parents are supposed to say, they did.
I never took the esteem issue to my counseling sessions...I always focused on him. Maybe I should try that. (Before you ask, Minnie, I did call another counselor that day I told you I would, actually twice, but I still haven't heard back from them, and they're the only other ones on my insurance that's not in the same practice as the original one, and I don't want to make her feel bad by seeing someone else).
I never took the esteem issue to my counseling sessions...I always focused on him. Maybe I should try that. (Before you ask, Minnie, I did call another counselor that day I told you I would, actually twice, but I still haven't heard back from them, and they're the only other ones on my insurance that's not in the same practice as the original one, and I don't want to make her feel bad by seeing someone else).
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I don't know what happened to my self-esteem..... I never took the esteem issue to my counseling sessions...
Before you ask, Minnie
sorry, couldn't help it...
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Day, it's a call-in radio show.
Sarah, good point. I did know what she was going to say. Maybe not in so many words, but the basic premise, yes. I wanted her permission to leave. So what's next? A step for now. New job. It doens't seem that big, but it is to me. I'm quite comfortable here in my little job now with my nice little boss.
I think my parents tried to teach self-esteem, but not to think on my own.
Sarah, good point. I did know what she was going to say. Maybe not in so many words, but the basic premise, yes. I wanted her permission to leave. So what's next? A step for now. New job. It doens't seem that big, but it is to me. I'm quite comfortable here in my little job now with my nice little boss.
I think my parents tried to teach self-esteem, but not to think on my own.
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