Beachbabe

Hey Ya'll:

All is well with me. No tears, no sorrow. Im as level today as level gets for me. However, I have a confession to make and I hope with that my thoughts change.

All day I have been thinking about my pills. Not really wanting to get high, not really craving, no anxiety about it but I just cant get them off of my mind.

I am 100% addict today and not much else. I have tried many different things to try and stop thinking about them but I just cant stop.

I have thought about the particular blue color they were, tasted that bitter taste they had, looked in my purse where I always kept them just to do it.

Its almost like I am acting out my addiction today. Living it vicariously. Alot of what I liked about being an addict was just that... being an addict. The score! The excitement! The calls, getting them in my hand... always made me feel so powerful. Then I would get so high and happy.

What am I going through? If they sat here in front of me I wouldnt take them. But, today I am very much inside my addiction and I cant detach from it.

I have walked, played with my birds, showered, talked to two clients, you name it... yet today I want to be an addict that doesnt use, I suppose. Because I cant stop thinking about the pills, seeing them even with my eyes open... hearing the break in the tablet when you only want to take half because the other half my be just enough to kill me.

*sigh*

Ok, now Im rambling. Out.

Sugasnaps

Good Morning Beachbabe **{hugs}}

Obsessions. I obsessed over alcohol. How much I drank. How much I would drink. How much I didn't want to drink. How much I could drink. How much I had left. How I was going to get more. How I would get it. How I would hide it. How I could figure out how to be "normal" while still drinking it. How I would feel after. How I would feel during. How I much I didn't want to be without it. How much I didn't want to be an addict. It consumed me too.

I'm really proud of you that even though you are obsessing over your pills you aren't acting on the obsession and taking them or getting them. The only choice we have in addiction is to choose not to take them. If we falter and make the choice to take them then we have no choice after that until we come down and are left with the guilt and insanity... then the choice is that much harder the next time around.

It is okay to ramble. Ramble away. It is good to hear.

Be good to you,

Suga

Beachbabe

I just feel guilty about obsessing. It is even more ignorant to obsess knowing you wouldnt use. Thanks for hitting my back hun. So thats what Im doing...

SR kicks ass. All I have to do is come here, be honest in what I am thinking and feeling and BOOM someone helps me understand.

I aint ashamed to admit it... without SR I would NOT be clean today. And thats a fact.

Ok, now I know what I am doing. I know now its normal and 'ok'. All I have to do is stay busy and this will pass. I just feel so damned guilty even thinking about my pills. I cant imagine the guilt and shame that goes with relapsing... but this has helped me be able to at least relate.

Smyle

I too am always thinking about the pills... checking my hiding spots etc...It makes me crazy sometimes...hang in there

Barbara

Anna

Well, I think part of it is the adrenaline high Beachbabe. I didn't even realize that that was part of my life when I was drinking, but I was not only addicted to alcohol but to the drama/adrenaline rush of not getting found out. I created drama in my life when there was none and that was a biggie for me in recovery. I had to recognize the drive to find drama in my life and to bring it into my life. I had to learn to live with calm and peaceful. It's what I wanted, right? Well, yes, I wanted it, but I missed the excitement. Maybe you are hoping to bring the drama back into your life and that's making you feel this way. I think if you just recognize it, just like you are doing, that's half the battle. And, then distract yourself. It will work, but like everything else, it takes time.

Justme57

Hi Beachbabe !

Suga is right , ramble away ! There are days when all I am is " not drinking", its a bit the same, i obsessed over alcohol, just like Suga said .

The important thing is, that you recognise what you are doing for what it is, and you have " done the next right thing", and you havent used !

More power to you

hang in there

HUGX
Lee