StandingStrong

I've been trying to post this now a few times - but you know me, I'm very long winded. So let me try again to get a shorter version of what's been going on here.

I discovered around March 10 that ah had been talking to a woman online. When I discovered he told me that he had only talked to her one time, told me the conversation, and then said that he hadn't talked to her for a few weeks.

Recently, due to ah's terrible attitude towards me as well as the worst verbal and emotional abuse he's ever gave me - I grew suspicious about what could have possibly spurred this new rage and hatred.

I discovered that ah is in contact with her. He has sent her pictures of himself (claiming she wanted to have a face to go with the name of who she has been talking too). -her picture is on her profile so he already knew what she looked like, as well as on her IM box and not sure if she sent him pictures or not as that has been another issue that has been told to me but he denies- ANYWAYS...... as if that isn't bad enough, I then discovered a few days later that he had also given this woman his phone number and she has called him!!!! (So now we need a voice to go with the picture and the name?????)

Needless to say - this discovery was not accepted well on my part. I was very hurt and very angry and I felt deceived - that he had lied to me, hid things from me, etc. "again"!!!! And as with most of our discussions concerning any issues - I ask questions, ah answers them, I dont believe him, he gets mad - and we go round and round. He gets angry and defensive, I get mad and keep asking questions cuz I want the truth and I want to know what is going on!!! (Are you all having flashbacks to the issue of last year????)

So, this past week has been a rough one. Not only because I have a cold and have been feeling weak anyways - but this has really been a very emotional week for me. The verbal and emotional abuse that he has been giving me this past week or so has been shocking. (Used the word shocking to convey to you just how bad it's been as I'm generally used to the abuse, but not to THIS extent!) Having those feelings of deceivement, etc. have all just been hard as well. Really had a bad week - been feeling like my spirit has really taken a beaten.

Of course - this is all my fault. He wants the dissolution now because I am nothing but mean, hateful, and spiteful to him. He believes that I am still seeing the man I was seeing for awhile last year, believes that I kicked him out of my life for this other man. Says that I have hurt him and messed with his head the past two years, that I have shredded his life, etc. (I'll spare you the names he calls me and the accusations he's made about me and said other man) and of course he says that I have made no effort whatsoever to get us back together - that he has tried to love me and show me how much he loves me but I want to remain in the past (referring to other woman of last year = paternity test, cell phone records, etc) and the list goes on and on. However - you can see the pattern is that "It's all ME!". (Ahh...the old blame game and manipulation game)

So here we are - ah is going to a lawyer and getting the papers drawn up for our dissolution. He's threatened to do it before but I know he's serious this time as he wanted my papers I had drawn up last year to take to a lawyer, etc. and even showed up to get them. And with his newfound excessive anger and abuse towards me, I have no doubt he is serious.

The people that are aware of our situation feel it's for the best - they believe we should be happy to be getting this over with. I don't feel "happy" about this. I feel sad. Sad that this actually got worse than it was before, sad that I feel betrayed and deceived and hurt AGAIN and that ah just seems to be getting worse and worse in his frame of mind. (I'd explain that further but I'm trying to not overload this post, as I usually do - and really, I shouldn't even be surprised by it)

So anyways..that's what has been going on here.

TexasGirl

SS, you have the knowledge and awareness to see this. I'm glad you can step away from the situation and recognize his verbal abuse and manipulation for what it is. That being said, I know that doesn't make the process less easy. I'm sorry your hurt. For me, one of the big kickers would be that because addiction is selfish, so he wouldn't even see his part in the failure of the marriage. I get that "have to be right" tendency in my relationship! Does that bother you too?
((SS))

ICU

I found this to be true of my ex too. His anger and abuse towards me intenstified as he was re-training his ex to become his new enabler, or rather, his renewed enabler.

It sucks; no other way to put it. I wish I had something more encouraging to convey to you.

Just keep working on you; recognize and own your feelings, and in time you'll learn how to deal with them, and put them away as you move on in your life.

I know it's hard, sad, and it hurts. Just take one step at a time. After we purge the garbage from our lives, it does get better. Don't lose sight of that, ok?

StandingStrong

Something that I keep discovering is that ah always hung out with people that were not of my taste. When ah had his fling last year, I really lost a lot of respect for him for many reasons - some of them concerning her age, who she was, what kind of person she was, etc. And that was when I realized that ah always did have a tendency to hang around with people that I found to be of less integrity (not quite sure how to word what I'm thinking without sounding judgemental).
One of the things that floored me with this situation with the online friend was that 1) they met in a chat room but 2) She supposedly is the one that contacted him via IM which took their conversing off of the public board. 3) She told ah that she is married. 4) Married but is asking for his picture - AND CALLS HIM!!! Now, I have to wonder about what he told me as I have some issues with not trusting or believing what he says, but if the above IS True, then what does that say about what kind of person she is? Yes, I know I sound judgemental - but I'm just sharing my thoughts. On the flipside of the scale, ah believes that I kicked him out for another man - so why would ah be putting himself in this situation to where virtually he could be pushing himself into a marriage where I'm sure the husband knows nothing about him. I even pointed out to him that her husband IF there is one probably doesn't know about him - to which he said "I don't know". I pointed out how it was unfair of him to do this to their marriage when he feels as he does about ours (other man issue). And I also asked him if he had her phone number - he said no and that it showed up restricted on his caller ID when she called him. I also pointed out to him that I am unsure if I believe that she is actually married since her ***** profile has info about her, but the marital status question has no answer.
All in all - regardless, I am really questioning the whole mental state of ah - let alone his morals, values, and integrity. Is he really so dense as to believe that this is just a friendship though I see it as moving along quite fast and secretly for being just a friendship. And why the heck should I really be surprised when he has treated me as he has all of these years, hung out with bad people, had an affair last year with the type of person he did, and now this.
Funny really - because nothing SHOULD surprise me anymore!!! (I shake my head)

I guess it doesn't really matter. When I quiet the voices in my head and I listen really calmly and openly - the truth is how I feel. His actions, his lack of actions, his words and promises, etc........all come back to how I feel. And I was really hurt and felt betrayed, felt lied too, and deceived - AGAIN. And I think that AGAIN word really jumps out at me. The verbal abuse has been so intense and worse than ever - truly abusive on so many levels. And while it's always been bad - it's just been so unacceptable and unforgiveable as of lately.

I don't think that ah is really drinking moreso than he was - but I can see where he is deteriorating on many levels. Sadly though, I look in the mirror at the stress bubbles on my face (have really broken out badly this week) and I see where I, too, am deteriorating. And I can feel it as I feel so often as though my spirit has just been broken.
I remember a time when I was angry and bitter at ah for all he'd done - but I was on the road to recovery and I was on a mission. A mission to have a better life, maybe even a better life without ah. That determination has changed over the past two years and has only gotten weaker in it's resolve.
It's high time that I let go of the drama and the mess - time I let go of ah. I accepted awhile back that my marriage was over - guess I just hadn't expected for things to turn out the way they have this past week which really threw me off in my progress.
So, I guess I need to start back over at step one and start my recovery over. Put on the Fake It Till You Make It attitude until it becomes reality.
*sigh*

ICU

It's a long and hard process that we go through SS, when we are at the point of accepting what 'is' vs. what we want for it to be. Then we continue on through the hurt, the anger, the mistrust. Then it dawns on us that we have a choice, a different choice than what we originally thought. Then we begin letting go and a whole new level of hurt, anger, and mistrust arises. But through each level we go through, we get just a little bit stronger.

As time goes on, we begin to focus less and less on their actions and their choices, who is in their lives, etc. We begin to focus more and more on our choices, our actions, who we accept in our lives, etc.

I feel your frustration, hope that didn't sound too cliche! I've been there....still fighting my way through the levels. I have mostly good days; still have some bad ones where the pain is as fresh as it was while I was still with him. I accept both the good and the bad days; what choice do I have? In order to let it go, of all of it, I've got to feel it.

Better days are ahead. Keep foucsed on you and what you need. I'm not going to kid you, the road will be long and hard, but, it will be so worth it!

I said something on here not too long ago...something about wanting someone to be as honest behind my back as he is to my face. I didn't realize what I was talking about when I said that had to do with integrity....until I found this magnet at the dollaar store yesterday. This is what the magnet said:


Bottom line, take away the alcohol, the abuse, etc. My ex does not meet the definition of integrity. Does yours?

megamysterioso

And really the only way to ever keep from feeling this way again is to permanently sever your ties with him (other than what is necessary for the kids of course). Grieving is natural. You are only human and have a lot of yourself invested into this relationship. I know there are brighter days ahead of you and I hope you can believe that too.