luvmyfurbabies

Hi everyone, I haven't been posting for a while due to my job, my counseling, taking care of my mother who lives next door in a MIL apartment attached to our garage and having to put my father in a nursing home. I go to counseling every other week. If I could afford the $30 copay I'd go every week. I have been on Prozac for about 6 months now and it seems to help. I haven't cried since I started taking it. The bad part is that I know I'm still depressed. I'm learning a lot from counseling but I'm not sure I can feel the recovery part of it yet. I have learned that most of my codependency stems from my low self-esteem. You know, never feeling pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough, blah, blah, blah. Thinking back on my childhood I realize I was never hugged, kissed, never told I was loved, never encouraged, etc. My counselor says I'm on a search for the real me. That underneath all the layers of responsibility I wear for everyone else there's a real me trying to get out. My AH is drinking more than ever and I'm still trying to ignore it. I did go on a short vacation with my sister to Lancaster PA. We went to a spa, went shopping, and to a dinner theatre. It was wonderful. Since my nephew is an alcoholic we can relate very well to the drunks in our life. In the past 6 months he has checked himself out of 3 rehabs, lost 2 jobs, and currently spends his days drinking and hating himself. Isn't addiction a terrible monster? Not only for the ones suffering from it but even more for the ones having to deal with the effects, moods, smell, and nastiness of it. I'm also afraid that my recovery is going to take me in a different direction and away from my husband. I told my counselor that one of two things is going to happen as I recover from this codependency depression.....One,,,I will grow up and realize I don't have to live with an alcoholic or Two,,,I will learn to accept his disease and be able to grow as a person anyway. I hope everyone is well. This board has been wonderful to me. You guys are the reason I'm in counseling. And I thank you for that.

megamysterioso

Yes it is. If you have never checked out www.empoweredrecovery.com, please do so. There is a free e-book that you can download on there and it may prove insightful to you considering the current direction of your recovery. I highly recommend it.
This statement of yours reminded me of it:

I personally have found that I am not the type of person that will be willing to live with an alcoholic for the rest of my life. To think of having to detach (for the rest of my life) in order to live "peacefully" in my own house with my AH is disturbing to me. I just don't think that I can deal with having more of a "housemate" than a husband. I want to REALLY be able to connect with someone in a relationship. I don't think that is possible when one person is an active alcoholic with no willingness to change and the other is a sober person who is on his/her own journey. A couple like that are literally not even on the same wavelength! They are living two completely different "realities." That's not for me.

LaTeeDa

Wouldn't it be great if there were some magical, instant way to fix all this? Unfortunately, the only way out is through. And I'm right there trudging through all this, too. Whatever you decide to do, you will be better for all this. The challenges we are presented with in this life are what makes us who we are. Growing and learning isn't all that fun sometimes, but worth it in the long run, huh?

Glad to hear counseling is helping you. It's helping me, too. Hang in there.

L