aloneagainor

I went to a meeting last night, not NA, but a women's support group affilitated with a drug treatment center...it's a place to be honest, and direct, a safe practice place to develop those missing elements from this addict's brain...

And there stated my ongoing, progressive situation, of hiding truth, hiding this addiction, hiding use, and why I think I do this. The dishonesty fuels the addiction, the addiction feeds the deception, the deception distorts the truth, the truth is buried under dishonesty, which prompts further desire for escape...and so on and around the vicious cycle goes.

In common consensus of the group was that I'm "settling". Settling for a life of avoidance, of limited potential, of chosen obsession and distraction. Resigning to a life of avoidance, so to not disrupt the home life, so not to hurt anyone's feelings, so not to have to endure whatever fallout might befall me should the truth of an ongoing drug addiction be known.

OR (!) am I settling so to protect the addiction???? Surprisingly no-one suggested that. Did they not see it, or did I actively hide that underlying desire from them, even in my attempts to be honest? Addicts are such masters of deception. Slaves TO deception. Deceiving even ourselves?

Sugasnaps

We humans have no greater power than the power to fool ourselves. No other living creature I think... has this ability. Self-deception is indeed one of the hardest things to avoid cuz half of the time you don't even see it - especially when you are drugging/drinking.

aloneagainor

There really is nothing more to be added to this post. I'm realizing in a terrible way that addiction is real, progressive, chronic. There is no happy medium in that condition. The next thread I start, and I hope there is one, will be on the day I begin recovery, or at least have intent to attempt sobriety. Still in the considering phase. Hoping to not get stuck and settle. There must be a better way to live than as an active addict. Practicing is so all-consuming. I know I have more to offer...

Beachbabe

Ouch, those ladies sound a little too judgemental for me. Are you new to that group or is that pretty much how the program works?

There is however, a fine line between judgement and making one accountable. The line is even finer when someone hears something they dont want to hear. I found that out here. People are vicious when called on things for accountability... unless they have reached a good place in recovery, then people dont feel judged and are more willing to be accountable for their actions.

You are soooo not alone. If you ever feel that way come here and you'll walk away feeling all of us behind you. Dont let those girls bash you in that group... ESPECIALLY if they know nothing about addiction. They have no right to open there mouth. That would be like me walking a Dr through surgery... blind leading the blind.

aloneagainor

People here are so supportive, encouraging. Beachbabe and Sugasnaps, I read your words across SR and admire your strength and compassion and insights...for your having been there (here) done that. Anyone can say whatever they want to me, I know (have learned) to take it all at face value, considering the source and the perspective, to determine what's valid, invalid, judgmental, vicious attack, self-defence, etc. My problem seems to be what my own brain then does with the information, so almighty capable of internally RATIONALIZING drug use, despite all evidence pointing to its irrationality. In my intently rational thinking mind I confuse myself. Amazing how clear is the direction I WANT to go, yet I'm still so easily lured off path deep into the wild. Where am I going.

Sugasnaps

**{hugs}} well you are going in the right direction I think... you are here and you are publicly challenging your addiction. Believe it or not that is a HUGE step in the right direction. Keep doing that... keep wanting a better life. You really can have it. You have to go through whatever you have to go through to get to the point of acceptance that you can't do drugs anymore. I had to get there with alcohol. It's a krappy place to be when you are in the grips of the addiction cuz it does everything it can to convince you that you gotta keep it in your life. I know it suckered me back into its deceitful arms more than I can count but eventually I did "get" it. Deep down in my toes I got it that the only way I can have what I want in life... the only way I can have my dignity and soul - is to not let alcohol inside my body.

So keep questioning it... keep challenging it. You are on your path and the choice really is yours for when you stop digging your own hole. You have the power. God I wish I could show you how beautiful your future is without your addiction. I wish I had that magic wand to wave over you and lift your suffering. What I can do is assure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel you just have to keep putting one foot infront of the other no matter what and keep moving forward. Sometimes moving forward means taking a few steps back but as long as you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, square those shoulders and try again, and again, and again, and again and do whatever it takes you can make it out.

Hang in there and keep that seed of recovery alive. Keep thinking about it and processing the why's of how addiction is killing your soul and keep hoping for more for yourself. It will grow if you let it and it will win out.

Love,

Suga

requiredfield

Amen...

aloneagainor- I really enjoyed your post. It's extremely insightful and, to me, it seems like the person you truly are that has been buried by years(?) of addiction is trying ever-so hard to shine through. For me, when I first got sober, and when I tell my story I talk about this tiny gleam of hope within my soul that was flickering. My addiction was trying to snub it for good, which may have resulted in death, or worse... a lifetime of deceiving myself and living a false life. I think about that now, and cringe at the thought of it, knowing what I know now about how beautiful life can be SOBER. For me, I put down the drink/drug just in time, and that light stayed lit, but more importantly one day at a time, with hope from the halls of AA that light in my soul grew and the real me, and my soul started to shine through.. And everyday since has been apart of an amazing journey.. I no longer had bad days... I had some bad moments, and lots of great days... and today, my life is amazing.

Like I said, I can sense that gift of desperation in your post. Your real, true self is trying to shine through. Make a decison to put down the drug/drink and let it. Then you can begin living a true life. Life is a gift.. We only get it once... What are you going to do with yours today?

Beachbabe

Learning the difference between rational thinking and my addict voice was very hard for me in the beginning.

Now, I hear it loud and clear so I know exactly what you're talking about and it sucks. We have to remember hun, we have altered our brain chemistry for yrs. It is going to take some time to level out.

You have my support and I am so glad you are here. This place does something for addicts that works. I dont know what. I dont know alot of things. But I do know SR works if you are ready.

aloneagainor

You all give me SO much to consider. I am decidedly here trying to work this through OUTSIDE the confines of my own head. It's not like it that I'm exposing it this way. Doing everything in its power to make me stop from looking at it, considering a life beyond it. Just as you wrote Sugasnaps, "when you are in the grips of the addiction...it does everything it can to convince you that you gotta keep it in your life." This is a long-term addiction, a way of escapist thinking that began years before I started actively using. You can hear the desperation. I'm glad to know it can be heard, because from in here it sounds like I've been screaming for a long time, but no sound comes out. Suppression. Avoidance.

In heavy contemplation of all your graciously received words this morning, on the drive home a song from Howe Gelb's 2006 new release played over the airwaves. Titled "But I Did Not". Check out these lyrics:

Could've slouched into deception
--But I did not
Could've just made it make more sense
--But I did not
Accept the devilish invitation
--But I did not
Should I just sit up on the fence
--NO!
Let Go!"

I kid you not. There's more. It's freakin' creepy how close this hits. Letting it go. The rationalizing side of my brain sees both sides. Very difficult to let anything go. Something's gotta give. Really, I can and do see the beauty in life. And I LOVE the fact I can. To enjoy a beautiful future...I don't have to spend my life hiding inside the confines of my own head. I can see that here. Thank you for encouraging me onward in this.