paddlegirl

This is my first post here, but feel so terribly drained from my 2 year r/l with my bf who is an active alcoholic. I played the enabler role for about the first year of our r/l and than started getting educated on Alcoholism and Co-dependancy. Slowly with the help of a counselor, Al-Anon meetings and my convictions I started detaching from him to the point of totally excluding him from my social life. I don't bring him around my friends because we're always on the verge of a breakup and I'm embarrassed of his out of control drinking. On a weekly basis he binges for about 1 - 3 days depending on the issue that he's not dealing with in his life. Often it's over the us not getting along. Than the whole cycle starts again, he returns with a huge hangover all remorseful and ready for AA. I tell him I can't be involved with him unless he's in a program (AA, Rehab, what ever helps with his sobriety) and he promises the world to me. Again I believe him and let him back in my life only to have him spin out of control again. The last two days he's been binging b/c he just got his sentence for his 2nd DUI which to me was a slap on the hand (4 days jail, suspended license, and Alcohol school).

It's really starting to take a toll on me emotionally and physically in the last month. My body is totally out of whack lately and I keep getting sick. I know I can't blame him, but his drinking worries me sick and I know I can't handle the stress anymore. I have colitis which hasn't flared up in over 6 years and all of a sudden I'm bleeding and feeling so depressed (colitis is stress and diet induced). That was last week, this week I have a nasty sinus infection which won't go away. I don't want to sound like he is making me sick, but I don't think my body and mind can take anymore of this emotional turmoil. He doesn't see how it hurts me when he abuses alcohol. I agreed to give him one month to prove to me that he's serious about his disease and he's out drinking again b/c he can't handle the consequences of his DUI. I don't get it, alcohol is what got him in trouble in the first place.

I guess I'm at the crossroad and I want to take the high road alone w/o him on my tail begging for me to come back.
I love him, but not enough to sacrifice a life of abuse and unstability.

I just need some advice on how to make this break up stick and how I can get himm to just leave me alone after I tell him to stay out of life.

thanks for reading this far in my post. Any advice is appreciated.

Paddlegirl

hanginbyathread

I read your post and felt for ya! I am an addict who is dealing with and addict (not alcohol) and feel like you do all the time. It amazes me how I know addiction, but still want to fall back into that codependent cycle. I have had advice from all types, some felt you should stay with your addicted love one and others said leave. Well, I say you do what you can do without killing yourself. If you feel the wieght of his problem every day, to the point where your health and your mental state is seriously affected, it's time to take major action. You are no good to him if you run yourself in the ground and it won't matter anyway. If you sit with yourself for 5 min. and really think about it, you will know what to do. The hard part is doing it. I am at that same point. I want to leave the addict and keep everything else. It's not possible. Not to mention that I feel guilty for helping him rebuild what he destroys, because he uses it to continue the cycle. My 2 cents worth as an addict would be: the best thing you can do for him is to decide how far you can go for him and then stick to it. People who helped me too much with my addiction hurt me as much as the people who didn't do enough. Only you know how much support you have to give and once you pass that point, you aren't really there anymore. You know?

JT

paddlegirl,

If you are ready, you are ready and you owe it to him to be honest. If you are hoping that you can move on without any pain, know that it won't work that way. You take you with you. You have been emotionally invested and you care. That won't stop when you call it quits. But if you are crystal clear that you are ready to move on just tell him and don't back down.

It could help to put your thoughts on paper so you can go back and remind yourself what your reasons are. If you try not to forget what got you to this point it will be easier to stand behind your decision.

Good luck!
JT

EmotionalMeg

Hi Paddlegirl,
I know that feeling so well. The promises they make when in complete remorse... and then you get hurt for loving and believing them. I used to get so angry at him, like he was doing all of this just to hurt me. And how could he be so selfish and spiteful!? But the thing I learned (it took me a while) is that the A is NOT trying to hurt anyone... he drinks because he has to, because his body and his mind convinces him he needs it to survive. This is all part of learning how completely POWERLESS we are to change him... All of that energy we put into worrying, stressing, being angry at, and crying over him and his disease is really only hurting us. And in a sense, HE is not making you sick... you are doing it to yourself.
So what can we do?? We can learn to give away those feelings. Don't let the anger and hurt consume you inside. Imagine that you can package up those emotions and deliver the packege to "god" or to who or what you perceive as your higher power. Just say "I don't want to feel this way... I don't want ownership of the anger and hurt... I want YOU to take it away!". And then give it to him. It takes a few times for it not to feel awkward and silly... But it works. It is also very important to not CONTROL his sobriety. He will only get sober if / when he wants to. The insane crying, pleading and yelling episodes (we are all guilty of) may make us feel as if we are helping, but they simply make the A feel shame, guilt and anger - which are not usually the reasons why they decide to get sober. Recovery is such an individual decision... and he has to come to it all on his own. You can let your feelings be known, when he is sober (without blame) and then just leave it at that. There is no need to repeat that same conversation everytime he uses - trust me... he knows how you feel. I read in Alanon that "there is a difference between expressing ourselves, and using words to control others"... "If I mention something that is on my mind and then let it go no matter what response I get, I am speaking sincerely... If I repeatedly make similar suggestions or ask prodding questions again and again, I am probably trying to control".
And once you are free of the emotion, begin working on yourself. Start setting BOUNDARIES. "I will not allow him in my space when he is using"... for example. You decide what is important in your life, and for your own safety. And begin to take your life back. For me, once I realized how insane I was behaving and how codependant I was, it occurred to me how little of my life was actually MINE. I spent so much time consumed with him, I lost ME... I have dreams and goals too! I am so much more WORTH IT than I give myself credit for! I have lots to OFFER! And get out there and impress yourself apon the world!
Anyway... all of this is advice I would have given myself a year or two ago, so don't feel that I am expecting you to heed to it. These are little lessons I've learned along the way, and they've made such a difference. My hubby (my A) has been sober for only a few weeks this time... but I am not thinking of the day when / if he uses again... I am simply grateful for today because he is sober today.
Sorry this is so long-winded.
Take care.
Meg

paddlegirl

Your insight and experience reminds me that he's not out to get me, but has a disease. I guess I get too caught up in his problems and some times can't see straight. I'm working on my boundaries which are not seeing him when he's using and not driving him anywhere if he's been drinking. I feel like he's so dependant on me when he does want to stay away from alcohol that it's a sick relationship.

I want to move forward in my life with my goals and dreams. I just don't see them with him anymore. He's prove to me over and over again that he's not serious about getting help. I just wish that at this stage in our r/l we would be moving forward with our lives together as a couple (marriage & family) which he does want, but I just can't see it happening if he's still using. I'm not willing to marry a man who is so unstable with the two kids he already has which breaks their hearts every time daddy doesn't show up on his scheduled nights.

Your absolutely right about focusing on my goals and getting out there showing the world what I have to offer. I do deserve more than he can offer. I want to detach with love, but am finding that my heart is so clouded and bruised that I can't see straight right.

Anyway, one day at a time. I appreciate your thoughts and insight.