Feeling very emotional....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 7
Feeling very emotional....
I left my abf over the weekend and moved into an apartment. We had been together for 3 years, living together for 2. We had rented a nice house that overlooked a little pond with a nice big yard and wildlife. The new apartment is nice, but smaller and not the beautiful location that I am used to. I moved almost all of my things and brought my cat with me. I am having a hard time with feeling very emotional, crying all the time and I have no appetite.
I had told my abf over and over again that I could not be with him if he continued drinking. He told me that he did not want to stop drinking and that it was too much a part of his life for him to stop. He will not even consider AA.
I think that I did what was right for me, but I didn't expect to feel so sad. I am wondering if any of you had a similar experience and how long it took for you to feel better.
I had told my abf over and over again that I could not be with him if he continued drinking. He told me that he did not want to stop drinking and that it was too much a part of his life for him to stop. He will not even consider AA.
I think that I did what was right for me, but I didn't expect to feel so sad. I am wondering if any of you had a similar experience and how long it took for you to feel better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Well he stated what his position was on drinking, that's for sure! If you found that to be unacceptable, and something that you couldn't live with, then you did the right thing for you, and the cat, by leaving.
It's hard and it will hurt for awhile and that's normal. Everyone's timetable is different. But you will get through it bit by bit, step by step. Have you tried journaling? It's a great way to express your feelings. Of course, you can always vent here.
As far as the crying jags and no appetite, that's normal, for a little while. But if it goes on for too long, you might want to think about counseling to at least get you over the hump.
You're suffering a loss so be gentle with yourself. Do nice things for yourself. Decorate your new home any way you wish! And finally, keep coming back!
It's hard and it will hurt for awhile and that's normal. Everyone's timetable is different. But you will get through it bit by bit, step by step. Have you tried journaling? It's a great way to express your feelings. Of course, you can always vent here.
As far as the crying jags and no appetite, that's normal, for a little while. But if it goes on for too long, you might want to think about counseling to at least get you over the hump.
You're suffering a loss so be gentle with yourself. Do nice things for yourself. Decorate your new home any way you wish! And finally, keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
He sure did let you know his position. You set a boundary, and he could not comply, so you did what you had to do for you. You are obviously very courageous. It's a whole lot easier to be complacent than to make a dramatic change...I am well aware of that!
ICU's right...each day will get better. But you have to surround yourself with friends and find things to keep you occupied. If you're sitting in your apartment alone all the time, his drinking suddenly starts to not seem so bad. Try to create your life, filling it with things you love and people you love, and you slowly feel better.
(((Chased)))
ICU's right...each day will get better. But you have to surround yourself with friends and find things to keep you occupied. If you're sitting in your apartment alone all the time, his drinking suddenly starts to not seem so bad. Try to create your life, filling it with things you love and people you love, and you slowly feel better.
(((Chased)))
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
good morning chased.... feel'n any better?... for me, seperation from a loved one, be it a move, or a death... bottom line, is about change.... i never liked change very much... it was, well, like a fear of the unknown... as i became stronger in recovery, these fears didn't seam quite as big... for me, i made it kinda like a little game... Fear For the Day... to face them as they came.... someone once said to me... " Theres nothing to fear in the Dark, thats not there when the lights come on" ... i pondered that one for awhile... i made my own fears.... as time moved on, and i began faceing myself, i kinda liked myself.... my past, ppfftt, what a mess.... today, well its about today... God does not give me anymore than i can handle for this day... as i stop'd thinking about yesterday, and worry'n about tommorow... i can focus on today... i have found, and so, so true, that reaching out, like i am doing right now, tends to take the me, out of me... as i'm alone, i can look foward to brighter moments... i can be good to me... the right music, the right people to talk to, the right book to read.... and so on... i have found, when i get nerved up, and i can realy nerve myself up... i look at what the real picture is... reality... the awareness of my thoughts... what is it that i'm unhappy about, what void is missing... for me it takes some real soul searching.... that CANT happen when i have head clog, My Band of Gypsy's as i call them.... they want me to feal hurt, misserable, sad, discontent, angry and on the list goes... just keep doing what in your heart makes you happy, forget about the other... YOU come first, the rest will follow... be true to yourself, and all will be ok!!!... ohoh, one more thing dont sit on your ass, watch Oprah, and eat Bon-Bon's.... that kills.... the horizontal position is no good for alk'y/addict's.... too many are dead from that.... no offence Oprah... good wishes chased, i look in on ya... let know how your do'n.... xxoo, Pattee ....ps, always try to remember those Promises... halfway through, you just bet on it
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
((chased))
Yes, it is sad and it will take a while to move on. I asked my AH of 15 years to also address his drinking, but he chose alcohol, too. It's very painful to do what is right when someone we love is involved. We have been separated for 5 months and I can tell you that it has gotten easier. There are still days that I am sad, but also more certain I DID do the right thing, because I feel so much better without the chaos in my life.
You should feel good about what you have done for YOU. Take care and be kind to yourself.
Yes, it is sad and it will take a while to move on. I asked my AH of 15 years to also address his drinking, but he chose alcohol, too. It's very painful to do what is right when someone we love is involved. We have been separated for 5 months and I can tell you that it has gotten easier. There are still days that I am sad, but also more certain I DID do the right thing, because I feel so much better without the chaos in my life.
You should feel good about what you have done for YOU. Take care and be kind to yourself.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
(((Chased))) I'm sure this is a very drastic change for you. Your environment is completely different and of course, someone you are accustomed to being around you all the time, is no longer there. As others said, it is a process. I'm sure that once you get completely settled into your new digs and you begin to rediscover yourself and all the wonderful things you love, things will get much, much better 
.
When we live with an A, so much of ourselves becomes lost in "living with" addiction. Even when we try to be concientious about focusing on ourselves, it is still difficult while sharing the same household. In time, I'm certain that you begin to flourish in your new-found freedom. Give yourself time. There is no shame in having sadness. Just don't wallow in it for too long! Hugs to you and it will get better. You did the right thing for you IMO.
. When we live with an A, so much of ourselves becomes lost in "living with" addiction. Even when we try to be concientious about focusing on ourselves, it is still difficult while sharing the same household. In time, I'm certain that you begin to flourish in your new-found freedom. Give yourself time. There is no shame in having sadness. Just don't wallow in it for too long!
Hugs to you and it will get better. You did the right thing for you IMO.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Hi Chased...
10 months ago I asked my ex John to leave as he chose drinking over life.
We also lived together and it was extremely painful. I could no longer live
the chaos of an alcoholic relationship. It was lonely.
I still struggle with the lose of my dreams and what I had hoped was to
be our future together but it was my dream. His dream is to live where
ever someone will enable him to continue on his path to distruction.
I would like to say that it gets easier over night, it doesn't, it takes time.
The good news though is it does eventually get less painful as the days go by.
You will eventually wonder why you stayed so long to begin with.
You will survive and you will be a healthier person because of it.
I know I have lived it and I am getting better with each passing day.
10 months ago I asked my ex John to leave as he chose drinking over life.
We also lived together and it was extremely painful. I could no longer live
the chaos of an alcoholic relationship. It was lonely.
I still struggle with the lose of my dreams and what I had hoped was to
be our future together but it was my dream. His dream is to live where
ever someone will enable him to continue on his path to distruction.
I would like to say that it gets easier over night, it doesn't, it takes time.
The good news though is it does eventually get less painful as the days go by.
You will eventually wonder why you stayed so long to begin with.
You will survive and you will be a healthier person because of it.
I know I have lived it and I am getting better with each passing day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Oceanside, CA
Posts: 36
You did a very brave thing. Three years ago, I married my (at the time) abf. As much as I love him, and he claims he loves me, it is only a matter of time before one of us leaves. Now, three years later, I decided to file for legal separation and now realize I made a mistake marrying him.
We all, at one time think that we can change them, and for a short time, sometimes we can. But the dependency of alcohol takes hold once again and sometimes with a stronger vengance.
You did the right thing and please don't doubt yourself for one second. Take hot bubble baths, go get your hair done, read books, just keep busy and do for YOU. The pain will go away but the memory will always be there. One day you will wake up and think, "What was I thinking!!!!????"
God bless and I will pray for you and all our sisters and brothers here at SR.
Smiles,
Cat3
We all, at one time think that we can change them, and for a short time, sometimes we can. But the dependency of alcohol takes hold once again and sometimes with a stronger vengance.
You did the right thing and please don't doubt yourself for one second. Take hot bubble baths, go get your hair done, read books, just keep busy and do for YOU. The pain will go away but the memory will always be there. One day you will wake up and think, "What was I thinking!!!!????"
God bless and I will pray for you and all our sisters and brothers here at SR.
Smiles,
Cat3
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hello Chased...glad you stopped by.
One thing I found significant is that he openly admitted right off the bat that the booze meant more to him. There are lots of people here who have gotten the promises of stopping, to discover they were just empty words and the drinker/user had no intention of quitting.
So, consider yourself a step ahead of most. You're not going to have to go through all the "I'll quit, I promise" crap that usually drags on for years. And the other baggage that accompanies the disease.
You're also probably missing the place you had to leave. You can make your apartment inviting too. We all have dreams but few come true or last. Makes the best of what you've got.
Perk up chickie... :bun5 this is the beginning of a better and healthier life. Please also try and find alanon meetings. You'll get an education and also find out you made the right choice in leaving.
Huggers
One thing I found significant is that he openly admitted right off the bat that the booze meant more to him. There are lots of people here who have gotten the promises of stopping, to discover they were just empty words and the drinker/user had no intention of quitting.
So, consider yourself a step ahead of most. You're not going to have to go through all the "I'll quit, I promise" crap that usually drags on for years. And the other baggage that accompanies the disease.
You're also probably missing the place you had to leave. You can make your apartment inviting too. We all have dreams but few come true or last. Makes the best of what you've got.
Perk up chickie... :bun5 this is the beginning of a better and healthier life. Please also try and find alanon meetings. You'll get an education and also find out you made the right choice in leaving.
Huggers
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
oh, I'm sorry you're feeling sad. Just remember why you're feeling sad. Sometimes, I've found, I let my saddness mislead me. In other words, because I feel so awful, I want relief. I let myself think it wasn't that bad or maybe it was me, blah blah blah. I'm just feeling lonely or afraid....sometimes I'm thinking I miss him. Then, I remember there isn't anything to miss about him. At least, not anything from the present. So what I'm missing is something within myself.....remember why you left, remember all the chaos, etc.....when you're honest with yourself, you'll realize there isn't anything to miss and your saddness is normal but don't let yourself misplace it.
It will get better.
It will get better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 7
Thank you for your words, everyone. It really helps to hear from people that understand where I am at. I just went for a walk and the sun came out here. I made plans with some friends to come see my new place this week. I know that it is important to keep busy and focus on all the good things/people in my life.
Sunshine- I really liked what you said here....
"Sometimes, I've found, I let my saddness mislead me. In other words, because I feel so awful, I want relief. I let myself think it wasn't that bad or maybe it was me, blah blah blah."
Makes alot of sense to me right now.
Sunshine- I really liked what you said here....
"Sometimes, I've found, I let my saddness mislead me. In other words, because I feel so awful, I want relief. I let myself think it wasn't that bad or maybe it was me, blah blah blah."
Makes alot of sense to me right now.
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