View Poll Results: when the a in your life is in denial so much that all they do is blame you...should I
completely give up on situation and focus on me
21
52.50%
should i try to explain myself one more time
0
0%
should I keep trying
1
2.50%
should i look for a new way in life without him
18
45.00%
Voters: 40. You may not vote on this poll
Help!!!all He Does Is Blame Me...still
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: st. petersburg
Posts: 13
Help!!!all He Does Is Blame Me...still
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH...Is the only way to start this thread....I have written here before ....so my story in short is my husband of 9 years and I split up 4 months ago...actually in heart longer than that becuase in May of last year he got reallly drunk(more than his usual 12 plus beers a day)and he flipped out trashed the house put holes in the wall...locked me out...well I was so hurt...I couldnt take it anymo0re...I kept asking him to quit...OR AS HE CALLED IT BITCHING AND NAGGING HIM)I finally in july went on a trip with a friend in late june(things had not gotten better)he was just muling around all day...he basically withdrew himself from ME<THE BUSINESS<eveything except sleep and beer and tv.
I am just such a happy person and do not want to start fights that it just kind of boiled up inside and I just had enough...we split our business which was the start of us really splitting....well I never wanted to split from him completely...I just wanted him to get it the he** together.
I asked him to leave in early august he just kind of hung around until October...he has gotten so lazy
the thing is he kept telling me if I leave his side then that is it...I said you know I have been by your side for nine years through all of this and I just need some well deserved space to figure out where to go from here...WAS I WRONG TO WANT THAT SPACE...WAS THAT LEAVING HIM...IS HE JUSTIFIED IN PUTTING ALL THIS BLAME ON M WHEN HE WAS NOT CONTRIBUTING INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR QUITE SOME TIME.???
I never cheated on him I was always there for him...it was when I needed space away from him and his problem that he had to realize how much he wasnt doing and he would have to actually work...
well this story gets better
we havent really talked alot over these four months...
once around thanksgiving when he told me all he thought about was me and he was going to give me the best x-mas presend ever...he to needed space....
well I gave it to him...we really didnt talk much until the last 2 weeks where he denied saying he was going to change he said "OH I WAS DRUNK WHEN I SAID THAT"
HE completely crushed me...no matter what I had never given up on us or him...now he is still living with his mother for the past four months and we just had this blow up phone conversation where he told me "what did i do wrong" he said I was the one who left his side...that I made my bed now lie in it...he also said all of these hurtful things about me...and why becuase of my problems he would never get back with me...WITH ME>>>ALL I HAVE DONE FOR THE PAST YEARS IS BE TOTALLY DEDICATED TO US ...YES I DO HAVE MY FAULTS BUT THEY ARE SO MINIMAL COMPARED TO HIS EXCESSIVE DRINKING..
BUT NOW HE WILL NOT EVEN ADMIT THAT THERE WAS A REASON BEHIND MY LEAVING.
i MUST ALSO MENTION THIS FOUR HOUR BLOW OUT PHONE CONVERSATION WAS BETWEEN 1 AM AND 5 AM..when I finally hung up on him for saying to me "hey get over it it didnt work out...nice knowing you"he said nice knowing you...I mean that is heartless...HE WAKES UP AT 4:PM AND GOES TO BED AT 9am SO HE WAS PROBABLY REALLY DRUNK.
WHERE DO i GO FROM HERE IS THE QUESTION.
inside I want to write him and tell him all the things he has done to me and that there was a reason for me leaving...is he crazy why would I ever leave the man I love and a life I was so happy with for so long over nothing.
on the other hand should I just stop contacting him period...I honestly dont feel he is ever going to own up his faults
What should I do know
help
I am just such a happy person and do not want to start fights that it just kind of boiled up inside and I just had enough...we split our business which was the start of us really splitting....well I never wanted to split from him completely...I just wanted him to get it the he** together.
I asked him to leave in early august he just kind of hung around until October...he has gotten so lazy
the thing is he kept telling me if I leave his side then that is it...I said you know I have been by your side for nine years through all of this and I just need some well deserved space to figure out where to go from here...WAS I WRONG TO WANT THAT SPACE...WAS THAT LEAVING HIM...IS HE JUSTIFIED IN PUTTING ALL THIS BLAME ON M WHEN HE WAS NOT CONTRIBUTING INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR QUITE SOME TIME.???
I never cheated on him I was always there for him...it was when I needed space away from him and his problem that he had to realize how much he wasnt doing and he would have to actually work...
well this story gets better
we havent really talked alot over these four months...
once around thanksgiving when he told me all he thought about was me and he was going to give me the best x-mas presend ever...he to needed space....
well I gave it to him...we really didnt talk much until the last 2 weeks where he denied saying he was going to change he said "OH I WAS DRUNK WHEN I SAID THAT"
HE completely crushed me...no matter what I had never given up on us or him...now he is still living with his mother for the past four months and we just had this blow up phone conversation where he told me "what did i do wrong" he said I was the one who left his side...that I made my bed now lie in it...he also said all of these hurtful things about me...and why becuase of my problems he would never get back with me...WITH ME>>>ALL I HAVE DONE FOR THE PAST YEARS IS BE TOTALLY DEDICATED TO US ...YES I DO HAVE MY FAULTS BUT THEY ARE SO MINIMAL COMPARED TO HIS EXCESSIVE DRINKING..
BUT NOW HE WILL NOT EVEN ADMIT THAT THERE WAS A REASON BEHIND MY LEAVING.
i MUST ALSO MENTION THIS FOUR HOUR BLOW OUT PHONE CONVERSATION WAS BETWEEN 1 AM AND 5 AM..when I finally hung up on him for saying to me "hey get over it it didnt work out...nice knowing you"he said nice knowing you...I mean that is heartless...HE WAKES UP AT 4:PM AND GOES TO BED AT 9am SO HE WAS PROBABLY REALLY DRUNK.
WHERE DO i GO FROM HERE IS THE QUESTION.
inside I want to write him and tell him all the things he has done to me and that there was a reason for me leaving...is he crazy why would I ever leave the man I love and a life I was so happy with for so long over nothing.
on the other hand should I just stop contacting him period...I honestly dont feel he is ever going to own up his faults
What should I do know
help
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
When my alcoholic and I
split up, I was furious at him. I wrote him a lot of letters that I never sent, pouring out all of my anger and frustration about the things he had done. I ended up being very glad that I hadn't sent them, but I needed to write them to get all of the anger that was inside me out. Once I no longer needed them, I had a lovely fire and burned every single one of them. It was a blessed relief.
Sorry that you are living in such turbulance these days.
Peace,
Gabe
Sorry that you are living in such turbulance these days.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
dear delight,
i can't tell u what to do. it sounds like things are in chaos and crisis and that can become so hurtful. i guess if it hurts u to talk to him don't. i never got anywhere but pain and frustration trying to talk to my husband when he was drinking. u end up talking to the booze and are the brunt of all the attitudes and behaviors that mark a using a. u will keep getting hurt, while he is drinking. he's real unhappy from the sounds of it, and it's way easier to blame u, then to have to look inward. the illness does that.u can detach from him and still allow urself to love him. u love a man, not the person drinking himself down the tubes. please try some alanon meetings, and try thr post addictive personalities at the top of alanon i believe. it's a sticky post, so it stays there.
hope u can get thru this today, and i'm sending u hugs and prayers, take real good care of u, right now and push aside the quacking that he is doing( she old posts ), we call our using a's ducks
hugs from sugar
i can't tell u what to do. it sounds like things are in chaos and crisis and that can become so hurtful. i guess if it hurts u to talk to him don't. i never got anywhere but pain and frustration trying to talk to my husband when he was drinking. u end up talking to the booze and are the brunt of all the attitudes and behaviors that mark a using a. u will keep getting hurt, while he is drinking. he's real unhappy from the sounds of it, and it's way easier to blame u, then to have to look inward. the illness does that.u can detach from him and still allow urself to love him. u love a man, not the person drinking himself down the tubes. please try some alanon meetings, and try thr post addictive personalities at the top of alanon i believe. it's a sticky post, so it stays there.
hope u can get thru this today, and i'm sending u hugs and prayers, take real good care of u, right now and push aside the quacking that he is doing( she old posts ), we call our using a's ducks
hugs from sugar
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
delight,
I think Gabe's idea is fantastic and extremely therapeutic. I mean, your anger and hurt has to go somewhere, right? Just don't send the letter!
My take on it is, if your A is in total denial of what is truly going on with your relationship, then NO amount of explaining/begging/pleading etc. is going to wake him up and make him realize the truth. He's not going to turn to you and say, "You know what, you're right!"
But you know what, I feel sure that deep down inside, HE KNOWS the truth, and knows how you've sacrificed. Problem is, THAT isn't the part that's controlling him right now. Alcohol is. But if recovery ever occurs, he'll see things more clearly. This really helped me deal with my A.
I can tell you have a big heart and you've really been trying hard. I've only been here a very short time but am learning how to achieve peace of mind and learning how to address my anger (such as writing a letter, like Gabe did!) and then letting it go so it doesn't stay inside and fester.
Good luck and Hugs to you!!
kate
I think Gabe's idea is fantastic and extremely therapeutic. I mean, your anger and hurt has to go somewhere, right? Just don't send the letter!
My take on it is, if your A is in total denial of what is truly going on with your relationship, then NO amount of explaining/begging/pleading etc. is going to wake him up and make him realize the truth. He's not going to turn to you and say, "You know what, you're right!"
But you know what, I feel sure that deep down inside, HE KNOWS the truth, and knows how you've sacrificed. Problem is, THAT isn't the part that's controlling him right now. Alcohol is. But if recovery ever occurs, he'll see things more clearly. This really helped me deal with my A.
I can tell you have a big heart and you've really been trying hard. I've only been here a very short time but am learning how to achieve peace of mind and learning how to address my anger (such as writing a letter, like Gabe did!) and then letting it go so it doesn't stay inside and fester.
Good luck and Hugs to you!!
kate
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: oregon
Posts: 7
i'm sure at some level he knows why you left but it doesn't sound like he's at a place where he can acknowlege what the situation is or his role in it.
trying to get a point across when they are drinking is so frustrating it can make you feel like you're going crazy. even when i knew i was right i never got through to my husband while he was drunk. if i did it was because he thought if he agreed with me i would shut up. i used to try to have talks with him just to find out he couldn't actually remember what we discussed the next day.
write it out or think it through if you need to. then try to focus on you what do you need. you sound like you are suffering. remember you can't make him do anything you can only control what you do. i hope things get a little clearer and calmer for you soon.
trying to get a point across when they are drinking is so frustrating it can make you feel like you're going crazy. even when i knew i was right i never got through to my husband while he was drunk. if i did it was because he thought if he agreed with me i would shut up. i used to try to have talks with him just to find out he couldn't actually remember what we discussed the next day.
write it out or think it through if you need to. then try to focus on you what do you need. you sound like you are suffering. remember you can't make him do anything you can only control what you do. i hope things get a little clearer and calmer for you soon.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi delight,
You're definitely fighting a losing battle here. I hope those words aren't too harsh but there is a battle you can win and that is within yourself. You know in your heart that you left for your own sanity and there was nothing else you could do. An alcoholic is not going to see their part in things until they get some kind of recovery, surrender and get honest. It's the nature of the disease. The denial is so deep he really doesn't think his part was so bad, he only sees what you did to him. I myself am a recovering addict/alcoholic and I was not able to see past my own nose until I started working the steps in AA and and learned how to take an inventory of myself.
Now I am dealing with my husband and although he is not using at the moment, he is not in any sort of recovery so the behavior is still the same. He doesn't even see his using as an issue in our relationship. He only see's my reaction to it and he blames my yelling for our problems. I know it is very frustrating. But I say a losing battle because I have been fighting the same one for years. When alcoholics and addicts are in their disease they are looking at life through a very warped perception and no amount of fighting and convincing are going to make them see our point of view. A few other characteristic of alcoholics have to do with ego, self-centered pride, and stubbornness. All of which dissipate over time when the user has hit bottom and is ready to surrender and admit there is a problem. Until then Sugar said it...a lot of the talking they are doing is like quacking. i used to argue with my husband until I was blue in the face and he would make me so mad that I looked like a certifiable nut talking to him. A few things I found out when we went to marriage counseling is that he purposely pushes my buttons because he needs me to react like that so I remain the problem and he doesn't have to look at himself. If you get out of the way and leave your husband alone with himself for a while he may start to feel some of the consequences of his behavior because if you're not around he can't blame you. He has to look at himself.
This also helped me because I always thought it was so important for him to see my point of view. I mean how could he not see it? But the process we went through with the couselor was very validating for me and it helped me detach. I didn't have to argue my point anymore about what he does and who's at fault because I already know and it doesn't really matter what he believes or doesn't believe because in the state he's in it's a waste of my time and when and if he gets recovery, he'll realize it then and that's when I will be ready to listen.
You're definitely fighting a losing battle here. I hope those words aren't too harsh but there is a battle you can win and that is within yourself. You know in your heart that you left for your own sanity and there was nothing else you could do. An alcoholic is not going to see their part in things until they get some kind of recovery, surrender and get honest. It's the nature of the disease. The denial is so deep he really doesn't think his part was so bad, he only sees what you did to him. I myself am a recovering addict/alcoholic and I was not able to see past my own nose until I started working the steps in AA and and learned how to take an inventory of myself.
Now I am dealing with my husband and although he is not using at the moment, he is not in any sort of recovery so the behavior is still the same. He doesn't even see his using as an issue in our relationship. He only see's my reaction to it and he blames my yelling for our problems. I know it is very frustrating. But I say a losing battle because I have been fighting the same one for years. When alcoholics and addicts are in their disease they are looking at life through a very warped perception and no amount of fighting and convincing are going to make them see our point of view. A few other characteristic of alcoholics have to do with ego, self-centered pride, and stubbornness. All of which dissipate over time when the user has hit bottom and is ready to surrender and admit there is a problem. Until then Sugar said it...a lot of the talking they are doing is like quacking. i used to argue with my husband until I was blue in the face and he would make me so mad that I looked like a certifiable nut talking to him. A few things I found out when we went to marriage counseling is that he purposely pushes my buttons because he needs me to react like that so I remain the problem and he doesn't have to look at himself. If you get out of the way and leave your husband alone with himself for a while he may start to feel some of the consequences of his behavior because if you're not around he can't blame you. He has to look at himself.
This also helped me because I always thought it was so important for him to see my point of view. I mean how could he not see it? But the process we went through with the couselor was very validating for me and it helped me detach. I didn't have to argue my point anymore about what he does and who's at fault because I already know and it doesn't really matter what he believes or doesn't believe because in the state he's in it's a waste of my time and when and if he gets recovery, he'll realize it then and that's when I will be ready to listen.
Last edited by Stephanie; 01-30-2003 at 11:16 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi Delight,
I have been here and done this....only this guy was sober.... dry, but sober LOL
Here is what I learned.... that when I am into his stuff, and into the crazyiness of manipulation.... then I need a break.
Its ok to take a break..... when the conversation is totally about "you did this" and the reply is "well you did this"....then take a break. I took a break and that is what was used to end the relationship. LOL
Granted I didn't say I was taking a break..... I just backed away, and didn't contact this person for about a month or more. Here is the bottom line.... I NEEDED A BREAK.
God I felt guilty over taking that break..... when it was used as a reason to end the relationship.
I got tired of being put in a position where I had to defend myself. I got tired of being told that I was the one who didn't want to take any responsibility. And I got tired of hearing "what's your part in this"..... I got tired of dealing with a dry drunk LOL
I kept going to a place of "hang in there and it will work out"..... Well the truth of the matter is that I am grateful that he ended this relationship...... I am now taking care of me. I am working on the only thing that I can do anything about... ME!
Yes, when this relationship was on the spiral down..... I got into the blame game right with him LOL I can't not tell you how many times that I would say something and be totally stunned at what he actually heard, instead of what I was really saying. It got to the point where I felt as if I were walking on eggshells...... don't say that, don't say this.... find a way of putting this so that it will not be misunderstood, manipulated, twisted ..... well that doesn't work either.
What I have learned is simply that it doesn't matter what he thinks, what he says, what he does.....what matters is that I am honest..... and that I am not responsible for how he takes it..... I am only responsible for what I think, do and say. Thats it.
See I got to the point to where I didn't know anymore what I was feeling....and I began to get into this craziness big time. I found myself trying to twist myself into something or someone who I was not. I found myself writing a letter to him and taking all the responsibility for this mess. That was BS LOL That was me trying to manipulate the situation and if I took all the blame, then I could fix this..... thats a lie that I tell myself when I don't want to loose the good parts..... but can no longer accept the unacceptable parts of the relationship.
I would suggest getting to Alanon meetings.....and doing the only thing you can do..... take care of you. Today I am working on me, and I can see that no matter what I did or didn't do, said or didn't say, thought or didn't think..... this relationship was going the way it was suppose to go when I am no longer into taking care of me.... and I am into FIX IT. A relationship is only as healthy as the healthiest person in it. Neither of us where healthy..... and I will take my part in that LOL
I can only do my part .... be honest with myself and then be honest with others. I have learned that when I am dealing with a master manipulator.... to step back, take a break, and find out what it is THAT I NEED. I need God in my life, and I need to trust that God is running the show... I need AA meetings, Alanon meetings, a good sponsor, and to take care of me, my sobriety, and my recovery...no matter what
Love to you and again.... I would suggest lots and lots of Alanon meetings.... because thats where we get healthy.....no matter what they do
Patsy
I have been here and done this....only this guy was sober.... dry, but sober LOL
Here is what I learned.... that when I am into his stuff, and into the crazyiness of manipulation.... then I need a break.
Its ok to take a break..... when the conversation is totally about "you did this" and the reply is "well you did this"....then take a break. I took a break and that is what was used to end the relationship. LOL
Granted I didn't say I was taking a break..... I just backed away, and didn't contact this person for about a month or more. Here is the bottom line.... I NEEDED A BREAK.
God I felt guilty over taking that break..... when it was used as a reason to end the relationship.
I got tired of being put in a position where I had to defend myself. I got tired of being told that I was the one who didn't want to take any responsibility. And I got tired of hearing "what's your part in this"..... I got tired of dealing with a dry drunk LOL
I kept going to a place of "hang in there and it will work out"..... Well the truth of the matter is that I am grateful that he ended this relationship...... I am now taking care of me. I am working on the only thing that I can do anything about... ME!
Yes, when this relationship was on the spiral down..... I got into the blame game right with him LOL I can't not tell you how many times that I would say something and be totally stunned at what he actually heard, instead of what I was really saying. It got to the point where I felt as if I were walking on eggshells...... don't say that, don't say this.... find a way of putting this so that it will not be misunderstood, manipulated, twisted ..... well that doesn't work either.
What I have learned is simply that it doesn't matter what he thinks, what he says, what he does.....what matters is that I am honest..... and that I am not responsible for how he takes it..... I am only responsible for what I think, do and say. Thats it.
See I got to the point to where I didn't know anymore what I was feeling....and I began to get into this craziness big time. I found myself trying to twist myself into something or someone who I was not. I found myself writing a letter to him and taking all the responsibility for this mess. That was BS LOL That was me trying to manipulate the situation and if I took all the blame, then I could fix this..... thats a lie that I tell myself when I don't want to loose the good parts..... but can no longer accept the unacceptable parts of the relationship.
I would suggest getting to Alanon meetings.....and doing the only thing you can do..... take care of you. Today I am working on me, and I can see that no matter what I did or didn't do, said or didn't say, thought or didn't think..... this relationship was going the way it was suppose to go when I am no longer into taking care of me.... and I am into FIX IT. A relationship is only as healthy as the healthiest person in it. Neither of us where healthy..... and I will take my part in that LOL
I can only do my part .... be honest with myself and then be honest with others. I have learned that when I am dealing with a master manipulator.... to step back, take a break, and find out what it is THAT I NEED. I need God in my life, and I need to trust that God is running the show... I need AA meetings, Alanon meetings, a good sponsor, and to take care of me, my sobriety, and my recovery...no matter what
Love to you and again.... I would suggest lots and lots of Alanon meetings.... because thats where we get healthy.....no matter what they do
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
patsy and searching,
i do so admire the courage and simple honesty i read in ur post to delight. u both took the time to sit down and explain the other side of the coin from a recovering aspect. i can see from the little step that my husband took in the program, that the self honesty is oh so necessary. as i try to work the alanon 12, i realize my honesty with me and my part are so vital to progress.
i guess i've been so focused on looking at myself, i forgot to add the compassion and from your realistic explanation u have made it clear to me and i thank u for your posts. the power of truth is so refreshing and simple.denial and the blame game are so draining and self-defeating. u get nowhere but crazy!!
big hugs from sugar
i do so admire the courage and simple honesty i read in ur post to delight. u both took the time to sit down and explain the other side of the coin from a recovering aspect. i can see from the little step that my husband took in the program, that the self honesty is oh so necessary. as i try to work the alanon 12, i realize my honesty with me and my part are so vital to progress.
i guess i've been so focused on looking at myself, i forgot to add the compassion and from your realistic explanation u have made it clear to me and i thank u for your posts. the power of truth is so refreshing and simple.denial and the blame game are so draining and self-defeating. u get nowhere but crazy!!
big hugs from sugar
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Delight,
Not much for me to add, you've been given great advice. I just wanted to send some hugs and I hope you keep coming back!
Patsy, you said something that really stuck with me: That is such a true statement. My husband was clean during the first year of our marriage, but I was still living in codependent denial, and I inflicted a lot of damage by being so controlling. Then he relapsed and it was hell all around. Husband went back into recovery but I was still pretty messed up. The past 6 months we have both been in recovery, and our marriage has gotten so much stronger, b/c we're both working at it and working at ourselves. As long as one person is still in denial and can't see their part in the dance, the relationship can't move forward.
Take care of you and keep coming back!
Hugs,
JG
Not much for me to add, you've been given great advice. I just wanted to send some hugs and I hope you keep coming back!
Patsy, you said something that really stuck with me:
A relationship is only as healthy as the healthiest person in it.
Take care of you and keep coming back!
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi Journeygal
Yes it is tough... when we get caught up in someone elses stuff and not understand my own reactions and actions in the midst of it all. And that I did. And here is the real puzzler for me.... I KNEW THIS and still I went right down that road of insanity LOL
I am in CODA now, and I am learning so much about me, and my reactions. I have 14 years recovery in AA, and I went to Alanon meeting for alot of years. I believe I lost myself (voluntarily lol) in this relationship that I had. This is a problem for me. When I begin to love someone so deeply that I begin to give up who I am. And then I begin to actually blame them for ME giving up ME lol
I am learning how to be in a relationship and not loose who I am. This is really hard stuff LOL
I am also learning that under all addictions is co-dependancy,.... and I have never addressed the serious issues from a very long time ago. Its a miracle what I am learning about me, and I am so grateful to find and learn who I am, and take a good look at the truth about myself. The relationship that I had taught me so much about me, and for this I am so grateful
Love
Patsy
Yes it is tough... when we get caught up in someone elses stuff and not understand my own reactions and actions in the midst of it all. And that I did. And here is the real puzzler for me.... I KNEW THIS and still I went right down that road of insanity LOL
I am in CODA now, and I am learning so much about me, and my reactions. I have 14 years recovery in AA, and I went to Alanon meeting for alot of years. I believe I lost myself (voluntarily lol) in this relationship that I had. This is a problem for me. When I begin to love someone so deeply that I begin to give up who I am. And then I begin to actually blame them for ME giving up ME lol
I am learning how to be in a relationship and not loose who I am. This is really hard stuff LOL
I am also learning that under all addictions is co-dependancy,.... and I have never addressed the serious issues from a very long time ago. Its a miracle what I am learning about me, and I am so grateful to find and learn who I am, and take a good look at the truth about myself. The relationship that I had taught me so much about me, and for this I am so grateful
Love
Patsy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: st. petersburg
Posts: 13
Hi all who left positive words....today is a new day but at this point I am going one at a time...since the last post I where i had the phone conversation and was felling so hurt by things he said...well now I am glad to have had that to remember why I left in first place. months go by and you forget the reasons why and are blinded by the love ...I have to remember how mean he is now and there is just nothing fun when I talk to him...he seems so fake now...real out there.
So I did want to write a letter(even if I did not send it ...but right now I actually dont even want to think about it...becuase he really hurt me...with things he said.
So I am just trying to stay focused on the positives I do have in life FRIENDS~BUSINESS~ART~TRAVEL
and just try to get back to the old me...the one that didnt feel so stressed out everyday
Peace and Love
We are all one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I did want to write a letter(even if I did not send it ...but right now I actually dont even want to think about it...becuase he really hurt me...with things he said.
So I am just trying to stay focused on the positives I do have in life FRIENDS~BUSINESS~ART~TRAVEL
and just try to get back to the old me...the one that didnt feel so stressed out everyday
Peace and Love
We are all one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi ((((((((Delight))))))))))
"The denial is so deep he really doesn't think his part was so bad, he only sees what you did to him. I myself am a recovering addict/alcoholic and I was not able to see past my own nose until I started working the steps in AA and and learned how to take an inventory of myself."
The above share from Searching is soooo correct.
In the relationship that I was in, he wasn't going to meetings, he didn't have a sponsor, and he was isolating big time. He also was hanging with two active alcoholics that he went out with, and when they got drunk...HE would drive them home. I became frightened, not only for him, but for the relationship.
I found myself so focused on him, instead of looking at myself and what I was thinking, feeling, and reacting to..... I chose to focus on him and what he wasn't doing.... instead of focusing on myself and what I was doing
The bottom line is that yes, he wasn't working a program of any kind and all he saw was my faults..... he was into control big time LOL
Now....here is what I wouldn't look at in myself. That by keeping the focus on him and what he wasn't doing correctly...... I totally ignored my own part, and what I wasn't doing to maintain a healthy balance of my own .... on the inside. I too was into control big time LOL
So yeah, we can keep looking at what they are doing or not doing.... and that will keep us nuts. Or we can take an honest look at ourselves and do what we can do to maintain our own life, our own program and our own sanity.
I did write a letter. AND I MAILED IT LOLOL
I was angry, I was hurt, I was in the middle of grieving big time....and my counselor had mentioned that perhaps the relationship had taken on some addictive qualities. SOOO.. I sat down and wrote a nasty blame letter..... and told him that this relationship wasn't about love at all....that it was about pure addiction. (OUCH) Now I knew that would hurt.....and I mailed it anyways. So I would suggest that if you want to write a letter.... then do it.... BUT DO NOT MAIL IT
I know that he wasn't working a program..... but what I wasn't capable of doing was looking at the fact that *I* wasn't working a program either. I was coming from a place of pure hurt.... and I didn't want to see my own part in this.
Yes I will take responsibility for my own part, because I see my part clearly today. I left God out (EGO).... I was running the show on self-will.
God is good Delight.... Trust God. Today I know that the way our relationship was... it would have never ever worked out.... because neither of us were placing God or our program first in our own life.... so how could anything good come of THAT.
Someone in the program had shared with me that whatever I put ahead of God and the wonderful program of the 12 Steps..... WILL BE REMOVED.
Today I know that I can not save anyone.... not even myself LOL
In this one 24 hour period.... I will place God and my program first.... and whatever happens, will happen. I will Trust that
God knows what is best for me, and in turn.... I will be able to trust me
((((((((((Delight))))))))))))) Trust God...Work this program for you, take care of you, and KNOW in your heart and soul that God IS good and HE is doing for you, what is in your best interest
Love to you,
Patsy
"The denial is so deep he really doesn't think his part was so bad, he only sees what you did to him. I myself am a recovering addict/alcoholic and I was not able to see past my own nose until I started working the steps in AA and and learned how to take an inventory of myself."
The above share from Searching is soooo correct.
In the relationship that I was in, he wasn't going to meetings, he didn't have a sponsor, and he was isolating big time. He also was hanging with two active alcoholics that he went out with, and when they got drunk...HE would drive them home. I became frightened, not only for him, but for the relationship.
I found myself so focused on him, instead of looking at myself and what I was thinking, feeling, and reacting to..... I chose to focus on him and what he wasn't doing.... instead of focusing on myself and what I was doing
The bottom line is that yes, he wasn't working a program of any kind and all he saw was my faults..... he was into control big time LOL
Now....here is what I wouldn't look at in myself. That by keeping the focus on him and what he wasn't doing correctly...... I totally ignored my own part, and what I wasn't doing to maintain a healthy balance of my own .... on the inside.
I too was into control big time LOL So yeah, we can keep looking at what they are doing or not doing.... and that will keep us nuts. Or we can take an honest look at ourselves and do what we can do to maintain our own life, our own program and our own sanity.
I did write a letter. AND I MAILED IT LOLOL
I was angry, I was hurt, I was in the middle of grieving big time....and my counselor had mentioned that perhaps the relationship had taken on some addictive qualities. SOOO.. I sat down and wrote a nasty blame letter..... and told him that this relationship wasn't about love at all....that it was about pure addiction. (OUCH) Now I knew that would hurt.....and I mailed it anyways. So I would suggest that if you want to write a letter.... then do it.... BUT DO NOT MAIL IT
I know that he wasn't working a program..... but what I wasn't capable of doing was looking at the fact that *I* wasn't working a program either. I was coming from a place of pure hurt.... and I didn't want to see my own part in this.
Yes I will take responsibility for my own part, because I see my part clearly today. I left God out (EGO).... I was running the show on self-will.
God is good Delight.... Trust God. Today I know that the way our relationship was... it would have never ever worked out.... because neither of us were placing God or our program first in our own life.... so how could anything good come of THAT.
Someone in the program had shared with me that whatever I put ahead of God and the wonderful program of the 12 Steps..... WILL BE REMOVED.
Today I know that I can not save anyone.... not even myself LOL
In this one 24 hour period.... I will place God and my program first.... and whatever happens, will happen. I will Trust that
God knows what is best for me, and in turn.... I will be able to trust me
((((((((((Delight))))))))))))) Trust God...Work this program for you, take care of you, and KNOW in your heart and soul that God IS good and HE is doing for you, what is in your best interest
Love to you,
Patsy
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hello
I was reading you story this morning. I am sorry for all your pain. Have you ever been to CODA? If not you may want to look into this. No one can give you any advice in this because you have to know what is best for you and what works for you. All of this going on with your A is just a evil cycle and until you stop running around in it and break out of it, it will continue. Being still and moving on with your life, getting the help that you need to get you better is not easy but it can be done. Nothing will ever change until you make changes within you! He blames you because it is easier for him to justify his own ill ways, he probably even sincerely believes that you are at fault. It is called emotional abuse. I left very early on , as soon as I found out. I to tried everything to get him to listen and talk but it DOES NOT WORK! It is HIM not YOU! When you are on the phone with him from 1-4 and he is blaming you , remember how your tummy feels twisted, how desperatly you want to "explain", that he "understands" your side of it and make him see his "problems". It feels awful and sickning. I know. Take this pain and do something about it for you. You are worth being loved by yourself andothers. You are a wonderful human being that deserves the very best! You can do this trust me! The best choice I made was to get away totally and live my life and suround myself with healthy people that care about me. Everything else to me is plain ABUSE! and we do not have to take it unless we choose to, I choose not to! Love is a choice!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
When my A starts blaming me he is feeding into my belief that I can control it...............but I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it............this is much easier for me to say and see now because I haven't spoken to him in over 2 months...but I can see that I don't have these kinds of conversations with anybody else either..........
live
live
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Hi Delight,
If it's any consolation, my XAH and I split 6 months ago and it was basically a similar situation. We'd been together 16 years, I stood beside him through all the ups and downs with his drinking, but the last few years he was putting no effort into our relationship whatsoever. He worked but his drinking was down to a science. He'd come home, cook me a nice meal, but never sit and eat with me because he had to wait til much later to eat. He wouldn't want to ruin the buzz he had going from the a. Then he would retreat to the spare room with his last drink, his bowl of food and watch a dvd on the laptop. I couldn't take it anymore and suggested he move out as I also needed space to figure out what to do next.
Long story short....he moved a long ways away to live with his brother. For the last 3 months we haven't spoken. I refused to pick up the phone and he finally stopped calling because he was just continually hurting me with his words. He called just last week and I happened to answer. He told me that he's never coming back, that I asked him to clear out so I could have a life and so he left; in other words something similar to what your guy said. He just turned the whole thing around so that he was saying the same words I'd used on him. He said he wasn't happy because we weren't getting anywhere in our life together. Excuse me? Those were my words. He just made it sound like he was so much better off without me, like I was the one who had injured him.
My point is, as painful as it is to hear them say these mean things to us....there is no reasoning with someone whose brain is not functioning normally. It's like trying to talk with someone who has dementia and make sense of it. It's impossible. I wanted him to realize why I asked him to leave and understand that I still loved him and it wasn't him I wanted to leave but the alcohol but it just goes in one ear and out the other. The truth is they probably never thought we'd have enough of it. They depended on us to always be there and when they realized they were losing our support, they had to find it elsewhere. Your guy went to his mother, mine turned to his brother. They now have new enablers. No amount of reasoning is going to get through to him. Believe me, I've tried. They just end up getting angry and saying something even more mean spirited to hurt you. It's probably best to cut off the communication until you do some healing. As difficult as it is, it gets easier when you're not constantly talking to him, at least that's been my experience. Otherwise the wound stays open. I didn't want it to be over either, I just wanted him to choose me over the 'a.' So I can totally relate to your pain.
Alanon will help, as will this forum. I like the idea of writing the letters and then burning them. It will help get all that anger, hurt & frustration out and on to the paper. No amount of reasoning will get through to him as long as he's still drinking. Take care of yourself.
If it's any consolation, my XAH and I split 6 months ago and it was basically a similar situation. We'd been together 16 years, I stood beside him through all the ups and downs with his drinking, but the last few years he was putting no effort into our relationship whatsoever. He worked but his drinking was down to a science. He'd come home, cook me a nice meal, but never sit and eat with me because he had to wait til much later to eat. He wouldn't want to ruin the buzz he had going from the a. Then he would retreat to the spare room with his last drink, his bowl of food and watch a dvd on the laptop. I couldn't take it anymore and suggested he move out as I also needed space to figure out what to do next.
Long story short....he moved a long ways away to live with his brother. For the last 3 months we haven't spoken. I refused to pick up the phone and he finally stopped calling because he was just continually hurting me with his words. He called just last week and I happened to answer. He told me that he's never coming back, that I asked him to clear out so I could have a life and so he left; in other words something similar to what your guy said. He just turned the whole thing around so that he was saying the same words I'd used on him. He said he wasn't happy because we weren't getting anywhere in our life together. Excuse me? Those were my words. He just made it sound like he was so much better off without me, like I was the one who had injured him.
My point is, as painful as it is to hear them say these mean things to us....there is no reasoning with someone whose brain is not functioning normally. It's like trying to talk with someone who has dementia and make sense of it. It's impossible. I wanted him to realize why I asked him to leave and understand that I still loved him and it wasn't him I wanted to leave but the alcohol but it just goes in one ear and out the other. The truth is they probably never thought we'd have enough of it. They depended on us to always be there and when they realized they were losing our support, they had to find it elsewhere. Your guy went to his mother, mine turned to his brother. They now have new enablers. No amount of reasoning is going to get through to him. Believe me, I've tried. They just end up getting angry and saying something even more mean spirited to hurt you. It's probably best to cut off the communication until you do some healing. As difficult as it is, it gets easier when you're not constantly talking to him, at least that's been my experience. Otherwise the wound stays open. I didn't want it to be over either, I just wanted him to choose me over the 'a.' So I can totally relate to your pain.
Alanon will help, as will this forum. I like the idea of writing the letters and then burning them. It will help get all that anger, hurt & frustration out and on to the paper. No amount of reasoning will get through to him as long as he's still drinking. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Prairiegirl,
You are so kind to respond to this poster.......but note that this message is from more than five years ago.....I hope and pray that she found her way by now.
Still -- good advice from you! Thanks
GL
You are so kind to respond to this poster.......but note that this message is from more than five years ago.....I hope and pray that she found her way by now.
Still -- good advice from you! Thanks
GL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Thanks GiveLove! How the heck did I manage to pull up an old post like that. I have no idea but it speaks to the fact that I've been feeling really overtired lately. Oh well.... thanks for letting me know what year I'm in.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Oh, it's so easy to do! Google searches find old posts all the time, and that can be a good thing -- just because they're a little old doesn't mean they dont' have wisdom still 
Hope you have a restful night out there - I'm exhausted too so I feel ya.
Hugs,
GL
Hope you have a restful night out there - I'm exhausted too so I feel ya.
Hugs,
GL
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