BayouSelf

In the "Language of Letting Go", February 12 says this:

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge it is cold and dark. We stood there with others, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain, some drank, some used other drugs. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people's pain. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped.

Then, some of us got lucky. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light and healing from our pain. We could barely imagine this, but we decided to cross the bridge anyway (we had faith).

We tried to convince the people around us that there was a bridge to a better place, but they were not ready to hear. We decided to go alone. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see that what we had been promised was real. The other side is a better place.

But now, the bridge is between us and those on the other side. We may be tempted to go on back for them, but it cannot be done. Each person must go by his or her own choice, when the time is right.

We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over.

If our time has come to cross the bridge, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be, etc....

What I want to know is for the last two weeks, I've been focusing on me and having a great time and not worrying so much about where my AH is and who he is with and what he is doing and how is his "recovery" going. I've been told he is not doing well. It is so difficult to enjoy my new found freedom and happiness knowing someone I love is hurting and in pain. I know that I have to stay in my own garden and out of his and I'm not really having a problem doing this. It's just so hard to enjoy this other side of the bridge, knowing my best friend is on the other side and I'm so afraid he's going to think I have forgotten him and I know I have to let this go. How can I be so happy one minute and so sad the next? I guess it just takes time. I'd rather just not know how AH is doing. I'd rather people just didn't feel the need to tell me that he's not doing well. I don't ask... people just feel they are doing their part I guess by telling us this depressing stuff.

How do you guys deal with this?

sunshine003

You deal with it in a way that you already know. You let go and remember that you cannot help him. He is in pain because that is his choice for his life at this time. You just read (typed here) how you cannot and should not feel guilty for doing what is best for you. Sometimes we have to save ourselves. an active alcoholic isn't going to save you, you know that. He doesn't think you've forgotten about him. He knows you love him, all that stuff. You don't have to constantly remind him....he knows.

It isn't easy and you're going to cry and feel bad. He isn't your best friend right now. He isn't a friend to anyone. Perhaps you miss the person you want him to be? The person he once was?

BayouSelf

That's who I miss, the person he once was. It just makes me so mad that I can have so many good days and come back to this feeling. I wish I could find what triggers this sadness after so many good days of happiness. You know I had a complete hysterectomy about eight months ago and sometimes I wonder if its hormones and true feelings. I'd like to think its just the hormones. :andy:

ICU

That's one of my favorite readings from that book. It's very healing and inspiring.

How can you be happy then sad? It's human. I often have those conflicting emotions. When I initially split from my ex, I was very concerned about his well being. I'm still concerned, but, I've gotten to the point that his well being is out of my hands....and it always was and will be out of my hands. I can't do anything about it. I have heard from him directly, and, his actions don't speak recovery, in fact, he's worse. It makes me sad for him, and, angry with him at the same time for the intrusion! I also fear what his next step might be. Again, not a darned thing I can do about it.

I'm lucky whereas we don't share mutual friends (for me, that's one of life's many blessings; if you knew his 'friends', you'd understand what I mean). But if we did, I would explain that I don't want to know how my ex is doing. I would hope they would respect my wishes. Until they get it, you might have to pull back from them temporarily until you are feeling a bit stronger. There's nothing wrong with that!

This whole ordeal is sad and heart breaking; no two ways about it. Just keep working on you, for that's all you can do!

sunshine003

LOL, I bet you would.

You can have good days and you'll still have bad ones....I bet the good days are going for longer stretches though....so there is a victory, right? Also, someday, you'll just have bad moments, not whole days.

You shouldn't get mad at yourself when you feel sad. It is sad to lose someone to their alcoholism. There's a good word, you're sad that you have to enjoy a healither life without the old him. But guilty? You aren't doing anything wrong so guilt isn't appropriate. You feel sad, that's all. It's okay to miss someone you once knew. But the addicted him, you can't miss that....it isn't healthy for you, for any of us.

When I get to feeling sad, I just let myself. What I don't do is mislead myself. I don't say, "I miss my best friend." He hasn't been that for a long time. I miss the idea of having what I thought my marriage was going to be. So, I'm disappointed by that. But miss "him".....the things that have happened over the past year, i don't miss that. I'm hurt by it and doing something to change it as I don't want that type of chaos in my life anymore. I'm sorry I put up with it for as long as I did. I'm sad for him, that he is in a place where he can't be honest and true. That must be painful to him but that's his problem and his choice.

So "missing him" isn't exactly real....does that make sense?

denny57

((blue))

i wrote a post similar to this a couple months ago. in fact someone had told me my ah "was not doing well." i wanted to scream I KNOW THAT! (i didn't) With my close friends I have learned to be honest and ask them not to ask me. Over time, they have worked really hard to understand my approach to this and have honored that request. With other people i now just politely change the subject. i guess my point is, a couple months on i have found a way to deal with it, and it sounds like you will, too.

thank you for posting this. right now, where i am in my recovery, it is my favorite passage from the book. it's nice on the sunny side of the bridge.

BayouSelf

Thank God tomorrow is a new day and I can start over with a much better attitude. I think sometimes we just need to allow ourselves time to grieve the loss. I will allow myself a little time to be sad, but tomorrow, I've got to jump back into happy mode.

brdlvr2

Glad you posted this. I too have ended an on and off relationship and I feel guilty too at times for wanting what's best for me. He is lost right now, goes from being very nasty on the phone to trying to be nice. Thanks for the reminder of the passage in that book, will need to re-read it and let it sink in.

Ayers1995

I'm really glad you posted that. I copied it and pasted it to read over again when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I don't have any advice .... but I do know what you are going through. I'm going through the same thing. It is very hard to be out of the fog, and look across that bridge and see them still fumbling around. Just keep taking care of yourself, working on yourself. If he is still not seeing the light, and not taking care of himself.... you will be that much stronger in your own recovery. Keep reading. I recently started reading the "empowered recovery" that was posted on here by one of the other girls and it is amazing. (Thanx Mega for PMing it to me) I am sorry that you are going through so much guilt right now, I hope that it will ease up. You have no reason to feel guilty, you have done nothing shameful by going over that bridge...it takes courage to do that. It takes self love to be strong and do what is best for you.