jojo49

I Have been in aa on and off for over 18 years.

Have had a few "bottoms",and still keep drinking.

Most times I get away with it,but sometimes I "go over the edge".

I feel this horrible weight on me every day,like something hanging on me that is wrong and no right.

It causes me to feel "plagued" by "something"............all the time,and guilty and heavy.....

I want to want to stop so bad,and realise I can not go on like this for too much longer.

I have no aa meetings where I am,and feel maybe coing on "chat" every evening at 7 pm when I get the urge to drink would help.

LILYBIRD

Can You Start An Aa Meeting, They Say It Only Takes 2 People.

jojo49

I do have one other aa friend,but he has many years of sobriety,can nly make it once a week,and I need a meeting evry day at this point.........thanks for replying

CarolD

Welcome......

Gee...I remember that horrid feeling of dread...guilt...depression.
Depression is why I quit drinking and started AA.
It ceased with my sobriety. Hugs

There are on line meetings...,,cgats,,e mail list...discussion boards
I suggest you use them all.

Keep in touch with us...Blessings

LILYBIRD

Hi Jojo
Sounds Like Chatting At 7pm Is A Good Option. At Least It Is Something. I Cant Imagine Sobering Up Without Meetings Readily Available, I Used Those As A Lifeline. Anyway Can You Get A Sponsor Long Distance? I Know Alot Of People That Do That. I Bounced In And Out Of The Program For Awhile Too. Years. For Some Reason Sobriety Finally "took" And Maybe It Will For You Also. My Thoughts Are With You. Good Luck
Lily

expenguin

Hi jojo....

Sounds like you are looking for a good answer to your problem....There are no simple answers.....You just need someone to talk to in the program that might live near by.....Meetings are good and if one is so long distance take a chance.....Then see if anyone from that program lives in your area....................There is a solution.......Connecting on line helps a great deal ...But not always the same as seeing others in the program in person.............. ....................You Need some good HUGS to keep going forward...... .....Keep Coming Back........There is an answer out there and all these opinions everyone is giving I'm sure will help ..............Hugs to you........I am always here if you need to talk............. .................Little Penguin............PS...I had some of the same problem years ago and found that I had to search for what I needed......Where I was living was not going to help my problem...............Friends around me mainly said to stay busy with work and my problems would go away....................NOT..........Meetings, a sponsor and staying connected in SR will help and anything others have already suggested..................I will Pray for you ..........

Justme57

Hi Jojo , I use Paltalk meetings quite a bit, I do shift work, and if I cant get to a meeting, they are in Pal every day

my user ID there is "newme_03 if you ever get there

HUGX
Lee

Don S

Here's the online meeting schedule here at SoberRecovery:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...line-meetings/

Don S

aloneagainor

Hi Jojo--
19 years of this for me of the constant "plague-or something"..what you wrote, I'm right there too. Disintegrating. It's the Jeckyl and Hyde scene enacted. Damn. By the time we've invested nearly 2 decades into these characters it's hard to know how to begin to change. For to eliminate one seems like killing half of ourselves. But I wonder if maybe, in reality, half of ourselves is actually killing us. Or at least gnawing on us, down to the core. So why keep feeding something that's such a terrible, voracious parasite.

Thinking that we "get away with it" is distorted, we still have to live with ourselves. It's divisive, fueling the disintegration. A line in a song plays in my head often, "Are you honest, when no-one's looking..." I think that deception is a big part of the "plague" we live with. It's awful having to constantly hide, for the guilt, and the loneliness and the isolation all contributes to furthering the addiction/ addictive behavior.

Though I'm s-l-o-w to make progress, it's been my experience that the more open and honest we can be with ourselves and in an open exchange with others, the more willing we become to keep thinking in that positive direction, to keep trying. It's not hopeless, as it so often seems to be in isolation. Writing and reading here is a positive start. Connecting with supportive people is essential. I've still got a long way to go but can see there is hope in the foundations of caring, compassionate people who are succeeding in their recovery, who understand, who will not judge you. I write this for you to consider, as well as myself. Hope to see more from you here...

jojo49

Thanks to everyone who replied to me.
I appreciate that alot.

I guess I "want to want" to stop drinking....and hwile I am not a "skid row"case,I know I cannot go on like this forever.

Sometimes I envy those who reach such a "bottom"there is no other way to go.
I can still get away with it,control it,do it one day and not the next,have the occasional "mini" bottom and so on.

I am trying to get back to meditation and yoga, so I am approaching it "backways"by feeing if I get stiller I will be able to finally stop altogether.

While aa is an amazing thing,I cannot suddenly find recovery by "finding"a higher power as many people have,and therefore recovered,because I already believe in a higher power,so it's not new and revelating,which I think contributes to so many other people's recovery......
I really want to go online for meetings and chat room,but the use of this web is not very user friendly ,and I am not a "techie".
Bless all

tryinagain

I have been in and out of AA a few times over the years. This time I have been going 3-4 times a week and giving it a serious effort. I too struggled with this the prior times as far as the HP thing as I already believe in God as mine. What changed things a bit this time is an old-timer and I were discussing it and I presented the very same thing that you said. His response was simply that since I already believe do I truly think that God is pleased with me when I say a prayer then grab a beer. It is like watching the 700 club with a drink in your hand. He said that is similar to bringing a six-pack to church and cracking one open during the beginning of the sermon. Although this may sound ridiculous, we are doing very much the same in a different way. So it may not be new or revelating but reconfirming my faith and living my life the way that God intended me to live it can and will make a major change in my environment and situations surrounding me thereby becoming a live changing event. I truly could not argue with that logic.

aloneagainor

Hi jojo-
Fascinating to see oneself through the vantage point of another. It's so much clearer standing outside looking in...
In your intro "I guess I 'want to want' to quit," you're still undecided, uncommitted to making this change, yet you know it's time. Curious what your reasons are. Like you, I've always considered my avoidance of hitting "rock bottom" as somehow "getting away with it." That you're still in control. But are you in control, or is the alcohol controlling you. Do you have a choice when you use, or are you compelled to use any/ every time the opportunity presents itself? Those little "mini-bottoms" appear to be teaching you better how to protect your use, so to continue.

There's going to be no "major revelation" effect for me either. I have so thoroughly thought through my concept of God as Interconnectedness and am firmly established in it, it IS my grounding, my connection to reality. I gather you also have a solid understanding of God in which you rely and trust as truth. We can take comfort in that awareness and use it as a launching point from which to grow.

But I'm convinced that we cannot grow in isolation. "Getting away with it" is the equivalent of hiding, of living a secret life, which propogates the deception and the need for continued deceptiveness in the way we live. That's corrosive and it diminishes us, separating us from other people, from our own convictions, and from God. Better to live an open life in which we don't have to hide our use, or our thoughts, or our actions. Perhaps you know what I mean, that living that way is leading a schizophrenic, divided life, separate from connections with other people, from self-realization, and from God. So we try to connect...

Good luck in participating in online meetings. I'm working toward this too. Yep, yet another part of my big secret life, hiding my addiction. But hopeful to see you there in the near future.

(I see now what you were referencing in your PM to me...dang, short term memory loss, yet ANOTHER reason to stop with the pot!)

jojo49

I'm still new to this website and find it confusing....like right now I don't know who this nte is going to!I'll get it with persistence.....
Thnaks for your reply aloneagain..you seem to be in the same space as I more or less.

Anna

Jojo,

Your post is the same thread that you started last week.

If you want to start a new thread you can. When you are in the Newcomers Forum, where all the threads are listed, there is a choice at the top left "New Thread". Just click on that and you can start a new thread yourself.

If you have any other questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help you out.

doorknob

There are programs that don't utilize the HP concept. LifeRing is one, and they have online meetings several times a day. Many there are not religious, but there are others there who are religious, but don't feel that it is relevant to recovery. Their web site is http://www.unhooked.com/index.htm.

DK