I realized today that it was more than the proof.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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I realized today that it was more than the proof.
I have been thinking all weekend about ah and my arguement on Friday. Thinking about the proof that I found that showed me the truth. And something I realized is that it isn't just the proof that has gotten me to where I am. That surprises me really, but I'm sure it helped.
I went back and re-read the IM conversation/arguement that ah and I had. He started the conversation on a very angry, controlling, and verbally abusive note. It only continued to escalate throughout the entire conversation. Even when he was calling me names - I did not call him names. I simply stood my ground and told him that I was not going to allow him to call me those names or talk to me as he was doing. It was when he continued that I told him to get a lawyer. Of course he said he'd get one as he was tired of my sh*t. (Yea, whatever!)
Perhaps it has been a combination of many things - but it's the words he used, the blame game, the manipulation, the control, and the name calling - the verbal and emotional abuse that was just seething from every pore in him. Every other word was the F word as well.
Ah is a very angry man. He's pouting that he has not gotten his way this time. He's angry that he can't control me and manipulate me into doing things on his terms anymore. While he may not say that aloud - it's very obvious.
Strange how he's done this before - only this time seemed to be much worse! I'd have to say it was one of the worst ever! And finally, maybe I'd just had enough of it. I don't deserve that treatment - especially from someone that claims he loves me. I gave it alot of thought and I could not think of a single other person that has ever talked to me like ah does. Not one person that has ever been so verbally and emotionally cruel. Sad that the man that claims to love me treats me the very worst.
I still shake my head in amazement at the reality of it all. I was thinking back and being really honest with myself - and ya know, I think he's always been this very way with me. Sad that I didn't see it, or maybe I just ignored it (denial). Whatever the case may be - I know that I deserve better.
He made a comment during our arguement about how I'd gone too far this time. I still am not sure what he meant by that as I feel that he is the one that went too far this time. Then again, I'm sure it's not something that I'm going to figure out soon as there are tons of things I dont understand about him and probably never will.
Anyways, I guess that while I am glad that I did get my proof - I also realize that it wasn't just that which has given me the ability to let go. It just seems odd. I suppose it was different this time because as he was doing his usual stuff - he couldnt' make me feel guilty or blame me - because the proof was right there! Maybe that is what it took for me to stand strong.
Anyways...I just wanted to share my thoughts.
I went back and re-read the IM conversation/arguement that ah and I had. He started the conversation on a very angry, controlling, and verbally abusive note. It only continued to escalate throughout the entire conversation. Even when he was calling me names - I did not call him names. I simply stood my ground and told him that I was not going to allow him to call me those names or talk to me as he was doing. It was when he continued that I told him to get a lawyer. Of course he said he'd get one as he was tired of my sh*t. (Yea, whatever!)
Perhaps it has been a combination of many things - but it's the words he used, the blame game, the manipulation, the control, and the name calling - the verbal and emotional abuse that was just seething from every pore in him. Every other word was the F word as well.
Ah is a very angry man. He's pouting that he has not gotten his way this time. He's angry that he can't control me and manipulate me into doing things on his terms anymore. While he may not say that aloud - it's very obvious.
Strange how he's done this before - only this time seemed to be much worse! I'd have to say it was one of the worst ever! And finally, maybe I'd just had enough of it. I don't deserve that treatment - especially from someone that claims he loves me. I gave it alot of thought and I could not think of a single other person that has ever talked to me like ah does. Not one person that has ever been so verbally and emotionally cruel. Sad that the man that claims to love me treats me the very worst.
I still shake my head in amazement at the reality of it all. I was thinking back and being really honest with myself - and ya know, I think he's always been this very way with me. Sad that I didn't see it, or maybe I just ignored it (denial). Whatever the case may be - I know that I deserve better.
He made a comment during our arguement about how I'd gone too far this time. I still am not sure what he meant by that as I feel that he is the one that went too far this time. Then again, I'm sure it's not something that I'm going to figure out soon as there are tons of things I dont understand about him and probably never will.
Anyways, I guess that while I am glad that I did get my proof - I also realize that it wasn't just that which has given me the ability to let go. It just seems odd. I suppose it was different this time because as he was doing his usual stuff - he couldnt' make me feel guilty or blame me - because the proof was right there! Maybe that is what it took for me to stand strong.
Anyways...I just wanted to share my thoughts.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((SS)))
I love reading your thoughts on your journey. Sometimes you post something I relate to, sometimes I disagree and sometimes, like tonight, I just feel like I am a witness to something where I just need to watch and learn.
You're doing great.
I love reading your thoughts on your journey. Sometimes you post something I relate to, sometimes I disagree and sometimes, like tonight, I just feel like I am a witness to something where I just need to watch and learn.
You're doing great.
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: LOUISIANA
Posts: 179
I am right there with you Standingstrong. My AH is at a very angry stage too and it really hurts to be treated in that manner by someone who supposedly loves you. We wonder how we can continue loving people who treat us in this manner. I have just tried to tell my self over and over. Every time he lashes out at me, its just his low self esteem and guilt lashing out trying to make himself feel better. What they don't realize is they are only continuing to hurt themselves. I'm just killing him with all the kindness and love that I have left in me and it just ticks him off even worse. Just my telling him that "I love you and I'm sorry you are feeling this way", sends him through the roof, and its because he doesn't feel he deserves my love anymore. He hates himself so much for everything he has done, he hopes by being mean and hateful that it will push me farther away so maybe he won't ever get another chance to hurt me again (those were his words when he was not yet so very angry). I think this is something they have to go through in order to forgive themselves. I don't let it get me down anymore.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
He made a comment during our arguement about how I'd gone too far this time.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Sad that the man that claims to love me treats me the very worst.
I've never found an answer I like to that pondering line of thought. I like to think it's the disease, not the person.
((SS))
I wish you peace.
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