Cat3

I haven't written in a while for the sole purpose of waiting. I wonder how many of us put our lives on "hold" due to blind faith; another term for hope. Well, sometimes life has a way of "pushing the envelope".

For those of you who have not read my story, here is a summary. Met ah 6 years ago, married for 3. He always drank but not this heavy until recently (about a year ago). He bacame verbally abusive more and more until I confronted him several months ago. Told him I spent the worse Birthday, holidays and new year in all my life and didn't plan on ever having to spend another, ever (made that same statement, in many different ways in the past). He told me he would cut back on Feb 14 and has pretty much kept to his word. His last meltdown was March 16. Lots more to the story but this is the gist of it.

I went to see a lawyer in March to file for a legal separation and paid $2500.00 via credit card, non-refundable. I received the documents (serving papers) in the mail for my approval about a week later. I freaked, called the attorney's office and put everything on hold.

Last Saturday, while I was out shopping, the mail came. There was an invoice from the Attorney's office with the monthly statement. When I got home, he said I had a "letter" in my office that came in the mail. That is the extent of our discussing it.

I knew that he knew and he knew that I knew he knew. Does that make any sense? Based on history, we have never been able to discuss anything because ah would quickly get angry and it would just escalate to him blaming me for whatever it was we/I was trying to discuss.

After that letter arrived, he became loving, telling me how lucky he was being married to me, helping me around the house, just couldn't do enough. Yesterday (Sunday) he got up and went to the store and bought brunch stuff (eggs, bacon, strawberries, champagne, the works) and cooked everthing. I'm thinking, yeah, how long is THIS going to last? I have six months to file and after that, the money goes POOF!

I just don't know whether I should get everything out in the open and tell him exactly what's going on. I am fearful he will freak, especially over the money I spent. I can hear his mantra now, "all I do is work my butt off working 50 hours a week and commuting and go through all this stress at work for nothing!" "Quack, quack, quack!"

I asked him yesterday why the change and he said, half in jest, "it's because you are being nicer". Nothing is ever his fault and refuses to admit there is anything wrong when there is.

I have gotten to the point where my mindset is on leaving and it will be a matter of time. Like so many of us, I hold on to the "hope" that this will wake him up and let him know I am serious about leaving. I stopped trusting him and now realize that he can't be honest with me because he can't be honest with himself. That was a mind blower to discover. I also don't know how to get him to recognize that.

I have started doing volunteer work and plan on attending weekly alanon meetings (couldn't go last week because we had an electrician at the house and I couldn't leave). I am okay with the leaving and not very materialistic; just want to have a comfortable home to live in. I was going to ask him to leave if and when the time came, but now I am willing to do that myself if need be.

Any advice from all of you wise people would be appreciated. It is so hard to think straight when we are so emotionally involved.

laurie6781

I am sure I will sound cynical here, but oh well.

As a recovering alkie and also long time Al-anoner he has gone into "manipulation mode." I'll be nice for a few days or a week or more and she will forget about the whole thing.

Might I suggest, since you have 6 months, that you sit back and watch the actions, DO NOT listen to the words, that is just "quacking."

Sit back, go about your business, enjoy your volunteering, and see what he does. Does he stop drinking and do nothing else? Does he continue to blame others for his problems. Does he decide to get help? etc etc

Just wait and see and attend alanon. Work on you, so you can decide what the boundary breaker is. To me, what you described as happening yesterday is a very common practicing alkie reaction to a threat to their little world of "unreality." ie "I'll be nice for a few days and it will all go away."

I'm sure others like ASpouse, Minnie, Standing Strong, etc will be along shortly.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Love and hugs,

BayouSelf

I have been in and out of this type of relationship for three years now and the niceness NEVER lasted very long. I even filed the divorce papers and at first, this completely scared the crap out of AH and I kicked him out of the house. He got into AA and started working the program and even got a sponsor and seemed so fired up about recovery for about four months. That's about all it has lasted. He's back to doing the old behaviors again and now not even speaking to me and he is really struggling but I'm having nice peaceful days and nights. Here is a post that I wrote to someone else talking about after you finally get out of this type of relationship. Hope it helps you see what its like on the other side after you take a stand against them. It doesn't mean you don't still love them, but it means you still love YOU.

QUOTE:

I have just recently been out of the same kind of relationship you are speaking of. I also have a son, 10 years old. I was so scared to leave. I wanted the snuggling and the companionship too. Now that I am finally out of all of the drama, what a blessing. I never could imagine my life without this man. I thought some how he could make me happy. Even with all the bad things he did, I wasn't willing to give up the little bit of good he did, for fear of being alone again. I have to tell you, now that I am on the other side of this mess, I am blessed to be alone and actually I'm not alone. I have a 10 year old son who has been placed on the back burner for the past three years while I was playing private investigator and babysitter to an AH. Before I got out of this relationship, I NEVER had any money. I make good money, but was always in the negative in my checking account some how. I just couldn't figure it out. I was spending $400.00 a month on bank fees for bouncing checks. Since my AH has been out of my house and off my checking account, I have managed to save enough money to take my son and I on a carribean cruise (this was so fun!), we have money to go to the movies, go out to eat often and life is wonderful. I was so caught up in the drama of my AH, I forgot how good life really is, even without a snuggling partner in it. Thanks to Al-Anon I have made some new friends to do stuff with and if it is God's will, he will somehow place a healthy non-alcoholic loving man in my life, but only when he is ready to do that. I am just loving my life now and about five months ago, I was wishing I'd go to sleep and never wake up. Our children deserve the best that we have and we can't give our best if we are in relationships such as the ones we are in. Good luck and I pray you see your way out as I have been able to do, although at first it was very painful. Life now is wonderful!

HAVE A HAPPY DAY!

Cat3

It is strange how my mind can play tricks on me. I read these posts and think, "my ah is not that bad", " He holds down a steady job and never misses work", "he doesn't drink THAT much". But I know deep in my heart, I cannot live like this for the rest of my life. I am straddling the fence big time.

kmagk

My AH is currently in recovery mode and I am second guessing whether or not I should file for divorce. I pray he is in recovery, but what if he does relapse. I do not want to go through that again. He says I wont have to but, isn't him jsut saying that a red flag.?

Cat3

dear kmagk,
Recovery meaning no alcohol?

TexasGirl

You know, seeing that this is happening in many situations to many of us helps me see that this is probably just a phase going on with mine too. I forget that so many of them act the same way and say the same things. It's a reminder that hey, this isn't the first time this has happened in the world, and it won't be the last. You are not the exception.

Good luck, Cat. If anyone knows about fence-sitting, it's me. Heck, I've taken it up as a sport.

BayouSelf

My AH held down a steady job too and never missed work either, he just spent everything he and I made on partying or rims for his truck, or a new "loud" stereo for his truck, or any other necessities that would make him feel good about himself for the minute. I never had money to even go get a haircut. I would have been happy with just a haircut every once in awhile. Not only am I getting the haircuts now, I'm getting it colored, highlighted and whatever the heck else I want done.

denny57

you have six months. i'd let it play out for a while and see what happens. it's great he's being nice, but if he doesn't do anything about the drinking, and that's a deal breaker for you, you'll know what to do. now that he "knows," is it something you can discuss, or will it just turn into an argument?

Cat3

It will turn into a full blown argument based on past experience.

megamysterioso

Hi Cat. I'm sorry that you do not feel that you two could make any progress discussing it! I guess he would rather ignore it and pretend it does not exist than face it and deal with the real issues at hand. He's in such denial. I'm not one to give advice on this as I am right there on the fence with you. I have been using my time here to observe though as others suggested. I think that advice is stellar. You don't need to feel too terribly rushed or pressured during this time. It is surprising how much things can change in just ONE month- much less six! Just watch the actions and take a good inventory of everything you see. It should help you see things as they are. I'll be thinking of you and saying prayers for you. You will get through this .

Cat3

I think I am going to cross the line and level with him. It may mean a full blown argument or worse, but at least it will be out in the open. If he doesn't give me a chance to talk, explain or reason, then what is the sense of our marriage. I already lost my trust in him and can't believe him. Thank you all so much and please continue with the feedback/adivice. Mega, you have a BIG heart. I think of you too often and wonder how you are coping.

megamysterioso

Oh Cat... I hope you are OK and I hope that he will be man enough to discuss this with you calmly. You should be able to talk to your spouse and discuss these important issues. Your voice should never be deafened by someone else's uncontrollable rage. He's got to get a grip and respect you for the beautiful human being you are. Everything cannot be on his terms! That is not what a marriage supposed to be. I'm praying for you and thank you for your prayers too.

Cynay

Welcome back... glad you stopped in

Can I make one suggestion... journal every day about it.

My bet is 4 months down the road when your sitting on the fence and you go back and read the everyday of it....

Well you wont be sitting on the fence sitting anymore... for better or worse you will know

Cat3

It's been a while since I journalled anything. Do you mean his actions? My action? Both? What I am feeling? What he is saying? How much he is drinking?