sunshine003

Ah called a bit ago...I could tell he was hungover, although he said he "had a cold." I kNOW he was hungover because whenever he ties one on, the next day he sounds very stuffy and groggy. That is how he sounded. Also, he's usually kinda down and he was. In any event, he said he felt he didn't have much to live for anymore, he just wanted to run his car off a bridge, everyone would be better off, blah blah blah.

I listened. Used to be, I would have tried to make him feel better (although he's never said stuff like this), him being down on himself (the hangover blues as we call them) always sent me into "make him feel better" mode in a second. But today, I just listened. It did make me feel sad but I didn't reach out. I simply listened. Of course, my silence according to him meant that I don't care, I don't love him anymore, etc. Even that didn't cause me to talk or try to fix it. I just said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm really just listening, that's all I can do."

He ended up getting irritated because I wasn't saying anything and got off the phone all short with me telling me if anything ever happens to him to tell the baby how much he loved her. I said, "certainly, I will."

Now, of course I'm really panicked. I realize he isn't going to do anything to himself....this is just QUACK QUACK QUACK. I also realize even IF he did, it isn't my fault. I assure all of you, he isn't going to do that he was trying to make me feel guilty or something.

and here I sit, feeling exactly that.....ICK.

sunshine003

oh and another big step for me is, I didn't call him back!

TomsGirl

Don't worry Sunshine, my first husband used to threaten suicide like other people change their socks. It's a manipulation tool. Now my current husband, he's attempted three times and never, ever said a single word to anyone about it. Some may not agree with my viewpoint but I'm just going by my own personal experience.

Take care

Jazzman

M threatened plenty of times. I was certain they were nothing more than attention getters. I can say that I knew her well enough to feel confident in my assessment. Call 911 next time he makes the threat, have them intervene. You'll find out just how much attention he really wants. And you guys are in litigation? Not a smart move on his part... nope, not smart at all.

StandingStrong

I remember many times that I knew ah had been drinking by his tone of voice and actions as well. Even when he would tell me that he only had two - I knew that he had been lying. I dont think they realize that we recognize the patterns.
I'm sorry that his manipulation still works on you. Then again, I'm sure that it still works on many of us as we've been through it so many times. Even when we know - it still old pattern behavior on our parts.
The blessing I see in your post though is that you recognize it and you know that his choices are his choices and not any responsibility upon you.
You did good - you didn't play the game! Growth isn't always easy. Look at it as a growing pain.

Kellye C

When I finally ended things with my ex-abf two months ago, he was crying begging pleading justifying etc. When he saw it wasn't going to work he just got quiet and then I hung up. He never said a word about a suicide attempt. When I got the word the next day that he had been found I felt horrible and wanted to blame myself. It was only through my AA program buddies, my sponsor, you guys and his nurse that I realized that it was a choice he made and that I was not responsible for it. I can't say I was all that surprised because he had told me of previous attempts some of which he said were cries for help and some deadly serious.

You know your ah better than any of us here do. I applaud you for not doing "the dance" with him. Good work on your part. And he may very well have been quacking trying to get any type of response out of you. If you truly think he could be a danger to himself you could always have the local police do a "welfare check" on him but I think it is best to stay away, do NOT go running over there yourself or else he has won and he will have found another manipulation trick that works.

I'm not giving advice one way or the other, just sharing my experience with this. I will never know if he was serious or if this was a last ditch effort to get me to come back and it really doesn't matter at this point. The nurse he had in ICU told me that the worst thing we could do was to go running up there and slather him with attention because then he won. She is also the one who told me to run not walk away from him and under no circumstances go to his home to try to clean up. She had experience, personal experience, with us alcoholics so I took her at her word, walked out and have not gone back.

Please keep sharing here and let us know what happens. I hope to God he was quacking and now feeling sorry for himself because you didn't fall for it.

Hugs,
Kellye

megamysterioso

Hi Sunshine. I'm sorry that he is resorting to this. You seem to have done a good job at recognizing it for what it was- an attempt to get sympathy from you or some sort of old care-giver reaction. That is what he expected you to do. I hope that he does not seriously try anything. My friend's wife committed suicide about 3 years ago while he was out at a bar. He came back home and found her dead with the gun next to her. She had never threatened anything of the sort, but my friend knew that she had mental problems. They had a child together that was about 7 at the time. I personally think that suicide is the most selfish act on the planet. No one can be or should be held to blame for such a personal choice.

Cynay

Sunshine... you are keep a journal of all this right?

I hope he is quacking too, Im sure that when we end the dance they are scared and insecure and do almost anything to get us to dance again. You did really well in not taking the bait and your right.... if something happens that was his choice, not your issue.

minnie

Bet you think I'm a witch now, right?

Sunshone, go back and read the thread you did about him going to the ER. There was loads of good advice for you about this situation.

Sorry to hear you're dealing with this.

sunshine003

LOL minnie....yes, I picture you sitting there with all sorts of spell casting tools at your table.

I did reread that thread. Funny how lots of ya'll saw it coming.

I guess when I say it made me feel bad, I've come to realize that's MY PROBLEM. HE didn't make me feel bad, I just did because it was hard to NOT give into old behavior patterns. Trying to help him feel better is what feels right. Sitting there saying nothing, feels wrong. But I did see it for what it was. It's the game of, "you just think I'm horrible...." so then I say, "no, I think you're wonderful....." and it takes the spot light off of what the actual issue is. That game tires me out.

Changing my behavior patterns and reactions is difficult but I am trying my best.

osier59

Where I live, it's against the law to threaten suicide. So the last time he threatened, I called the police. It got big and interesting in a hurry, as he had a gun and we live near a school.

BUT we all learned a few lessons. He learned that I was no longer going to be manipulated. He learned that he needed some serious help, and if he wants to be a part of my life again he will continue to work at getting better.

I learned that I have come a long way in my recovery, and I can set and maintain some powerful boundaries for my own well being.

You are doing GREAT. Changing behavior patterns is a process, and I think you should celebrate this little victory.

Hugs
Barb

sunshine003

thanks oiser. it's such a hard thing to learn. To understand that it is not my place to help him feel better. What's harder is believing that he needs to be left alone to feel bad because then MAYBE, just maybe he'll do something about it. But, that isn't up to me either. I didn't realize just how controlling I was as I always felt so powerless. But I do have power, I have it over myself. I can't fix him, that's obvious. And fixing him for a moment is not good enough. It's only situational.

Funny, but I sat here feeling sorta bad for how I didn't respond to him last night. He's at work this morning and in a good mood as if nothing happened. I'm always having to learn the lesson that I'm the one feeling bad not him. he's over it and I sit sorta shell shocked.....LOL!

ASpouse

Well you can suggest once again to go to AA or the next time he calls you can say "Oh My God, I'm calling 911 right now to come and get you!"

It may stop him from bothering you with this nonsense, which is exactly what it is nonsense.

Tell the baby he loves her? Well his actions certainly don't show that paternal instinct ...... he loves no one but himself ........PERIOD!

robina

Having a loved one threaten suicide is very traumatic. In many cases, the alcoholic is using the suicide threat as a form of emotional blackmail. Last summer my daughter threatened suicide on a number of occasions. It is gut wrenching for the loved one to endure that.

I finally gained some serenity by working my Al-anon program, and talking to my therapist, and also talking to AA people who have been in recovery for years. An AA person told me in no uncertain terms that if someone commits suicide, it was their choice, and it is not something you have any control over.

Pretty much everybody I talked to said the same thing.

Love and blessings to you and your husband.

sunshine003

thanks everyone. If I truly thought he was going to do something, I would call 911. If he does it again, I suppose I should just call in order to show him he can't use this as a way to "get to me."

gelfling

(((((((((((Sunshine)))))))))))