Hello all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 4
Hello all
I am thankful to have found what seems to be a really great online community for its purposes. I had been sober for two and a half weeks up until this Friday night, when my husband offered me a "toast", which turned out to be a sabotage to my efforts to quit for "good". So, now I have one day sober. I also know that each day that passes without a drink makes me feel stronger and more confident. I am thankful for this online community because I know that I can do this without a rehab center or AA meetings, etc. But I know that I need to vent and talk with other people in my same boat. My husband still drinks, as well as his entire family, who I am around a lot. I feel weak and fragile around them when they are drinking. I realize that this sobriety deal will be a long journey, but I also know that the odds are with me as I start this path.
~Author of My Life~
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
(((((((((((((Lola))))))))))))))
Welcome to SR!! I am soooo glad you found us.......there is lots of love and support around here. Hope you stick around and we can get to know you better! Post wherever you like..............
((((((((Warmest Welcoming Hugs))))))))))))))
Welcome to SR!! I am soooo glad you found us.......there is lots of love and support around here. Hope you stick around and we can get to know you better! Post wherever you like..............
((((((((Warmest Welcoming Hugs))))))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Our Aa Program
Welcome to SR. Hi, Im Sharon and I'm an Alcoholic.
They say this is a selfish program. Now it's time to take care of urself. To go to any lengths to stay sober, which means taking the Steps offered to us in AA. To Admit u have a problem drinking, to Accept it and to Believe there is a Power greater than urself to rely on to help u stay sober ONE DAY AT A TIME. There are many wonderful SUGGESTIONS heard in AA that will help u and guide u along the way. Suggestions like finding a sponsor to talk to and help u, going to 90 meetings in 90 days...if u try this and u find it's not what u want, they will glad refundly ur misery. To stay away from people, places and things that remind u of alcohol. All this may seem over whelming at first, all you have to do is crawl before u walk. Take those baby steps first. There are many choices u can make in life. The choice is urs if u really want it. U'd be surprised at how much wisdom is shared here in SR to inspire u to stay sober. Read and share ur own ESH here with us as we do with u.
Thanks for letting me share here.
They say this is a selfish program. Now it's time to take care of urself. To go to any lengths to stay sober, which means taking the Steps offered to us in AA. To Admit u have a problem drinking, to Accept it and to Believe there is a Power greater than urself to rely on to help u stay sober ONE DAY AT A TIME. There are many wonderful SUGGESTIONS heard in AA that will help u and guide u along the way. Suggestions like finding a sponsor to talk to and help u, going to 90 meetings in 90 days...if u try this and u find it's not what u want, they will glad refundly ur misery. To stay away from people, places and things that remind u of alcohol. All this may seem over whelming at first, all you have to do is crawl before u walk. Take those baby steps first. There are many choices u can make in life. The choice is urs if u really want it. U'd be surprised at how much wisdom is shared here in SR to inspire u to stay sober. Read and share ur own ESH here with us as we do with u.
Thanks for letting me share here.
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Welcome, Lola! We're glad you are here. This is an amazing place to come for support, encouragement and friendship. The bonds you can form here are stronger than many could believe. Hope you will stick around!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Greetings Lola,
This is a phenomenal community of compassionate people who can relate, lots of good information and support here! Yet, it's up to YOU to do the work, read intently, listen closely, honestly consider the suggestions with an open mind, and then do what it takes to progress in the direction you will.
Curious...does your husband (and/or extended family) know about your intent to quit drinking? Was his "toast" to your efforts raised out of ignorance, or intent to bring you back to prevent this change from happening. It's been my experience that without the support of others, especially those you live with and share a life with who continue to use, changing drug/ alcohol use habits is so fundamental a change it's more intimidating and complex than either party is prepared to navigate through. WAY too easy to return to familiar habits. With no firm foundation to stand on, ESPECIALLY when going it alone, there's no support to rely on when the desire to use comes around. Setting yourself up for a fall, starting over at ground zero, repeatedly. That gets to be insanity...doing the same thing over and over the same way and expecting different results. Makes one feel weak and fragile, insecure and scared to change. Wishing you WELL in progressing toward the desired positive changes you seek.
This is a phenomenal community of compassionate people who can relate, lots of good information and support here! Yet, it's up to YOU to do the work, read intently, listen closely, honestly consider the suggestions with an open mind, and then do what it takes to progress in the direction you will.
Curious...does your husband (and/or extended family) know about your intent to quit drinking? Was his "toast" to your efforts raised out of ignorance, or intent to bring you back to prevent this change from happening. It's been my experience that without the support of others, especially those you live with and share a life with who continue to use, changing drug/ alcohol use habits is so fundamental a change it's more intimidating and complex than either party is prepared to navigate through. WAY too easy to return to familiar habits. With no firm foundation to stand on, ESPECIALLY when going it alone, there's no support to rely on when the desire to use comes around. Setting yourself up for a fall, starting over at ground zero, repeatedly. That gets to be insanity...doing the same thing over and over the same way and expecting different results. Makes one feel weak and fragile, insecure and scared to change. Wishing you WELL in progressing toward the desired positive changes you seek.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 4
sabotage
Aloneagainor,
Thank you for asking. I do need to vent a bit about that. My dh and I don't get to spend a lot of time together as he works over the road. He knew of my intent to quit. It wasn't that I was a raging alcoholic, but the alcohol has been affecting me physiologically in negative ways for some time now. I black out very quickly when I do drink, and I act a damn fool. The last time I drank too much I was sick, and I was drinking brandy with the intent of going to bed after my third one and sleeping off my sickness. My dh ended up taking me to his sister's where i had more beer, blacked out, and became very emotional. I was crying and my dh was playing with me like i was a toy, and being very mean. I can't remember what he was saying, i can only remember how upset i was at him and how my body was reacting, (shaking, trembling, etc) and how i wanted to be away from him.
Later that night he tried to apologize to me, and I told him that he simply shouldn't treat his wife this way, and I went to bed. A great deal more transpired later that night when he forced me out of a deep and drunk slumber to tell me that I was a dumb B@&*@, and that he wanted a divorce. He left that night and came back the next day and told me that I better do something to prove to him that things would change. Before he even came home, i had already made the decision to quit for ME and mY CHILDREN. So, I am taking back my dignity and respect for myself and for my marriage and for my two beautiful daughters. ALONE AGAIN, The scenario you present is sad, but be assured that that won't happen to me. My husband can't be trusted when I am drunk or sober. This is an issue. I need to be sober in order to watch my own back.
I realized fairly quickly that the toast was a complete set up, and that I fell for it. My dh wanted to go to a hotel to be alone. He said that he wanted to bring some beer with because if he just drank that bottle of wine after our "toast", he would be tired and want to sleep. I told him that I better not even take the first sip of wine, because I would want more too. He said, "Fine, you don't want to toast with me? Well, I am not going to drink by myself then, so we just won't bring anything." I should have left it alone, but I grabbed the bottle later, telling myself that I could handle one toast. I wanted to taste the wine, he brought it from Napa Valley, CA. At the hotel he was waiting for me to ask him to open the bottle, I didn't. When he finally did, I enjoyed two glasses. We had some decent conversation. He cracked a beer when he was done with his wine. I had been eyeing up the beer all night. I went to open one, and dh said "I know you don't think you are going to have that beer." So the power struggle began. He took it from me, i went and got another, and told him that I just wanted one, which I did.
By the way, my ultimate long term goal was to be able to have one or two beers, possibly a glass of wine, and then stop, but i know that this is not likely to work.
I drank the beer, and dh went to bed, withholding intimacy from me, saying that "You just had to have that beer, I knew that you were too weak to handle this."
Okay, so it was a setup and it turned into a controlling, abusive scenario. I felt awful for breaking my two and a half weeks of strong behavior and being degraded on top of it. I told him that he had no say in whether or not i had a beer or not, he sabotaged me the moment he poured that wine for me, the rest is between me and God. I know this. I was feeling and acting powerful and strong being sober. He saw this and had to drag me down.
He constantly talks about alcohol as if to rub it in my face that I am not having any. I guess it may be because like you said, he wants to resist this change. LIke he said, we met with alcohol, and it has been a part of our lives for the nine years that we have been together.
Oh yeah, and the "toast" wasn't a toast at all. He simply said, "Cheers". I said, "Cheers to what?" Hoping for something romantic. He had nothing to say. Later when we were arguing about the fact that he contributed to my "weak" actions, and confronted him about the toast, he told me that the toast was for us spending time together. The toast came a few hours too later. I know his game, and I am very upset about it. But at the same time, it made me stronger in the long run, because i will never trust him again when it comes to alchohol. I don't know. It's very difficult to say these things.
Sorry for the novel.
Thank you for asking. I do need to vent a bit about that. My dh and I don't get to spend a lot of time together as he works over the road. He knew of my intent to quit. It wasn't that I was a raging alcoholic, but the alcohol has been affecting me physiologically in negative ways for some time now. I black out very quickly when I do drink, and I act a damn fool. The last time I drank too much I was sick, and I was drinking brandy with the intent of going to bed after my third one and sleeping off my sickness. My dh ended up taking me to his sister's where i had more beer, blacked out, and became very emotional. I was crying and my dh was playing with me like i was a toy, and being very mean. I can't remember what he was saying, i can only remember how upset i was at him and how my body was reacting, (shaking, trembling, etc) and how i wanted to be away from him.
Later that night he tried to apologize to me, and I told him that he simply shouldn't treat his wife this way, and I went to bed. A great deal more transpired later that night when he forced me out of a deep and drunk slumber to tell me that I was a dumb B@&*@, and that he wanted a divorce. He left that night and came back the next day and told me that I better do something to prove to him that things would change. Before he even came home, i had already made the decision to quit for ME and mY CHILDREN. So, I am taking back my dignity and respect for myself and for my marriage and for my two beautiful daughters. ALONE AGAIN, The scenario you present is sad, but be assured that that won't happen to me. My husband can't be trusted when I am drunk or sober. This is an issue. I need to be sober in order to watch my own back.
I realized fairly quickly that the toast was a complete set up, and that I fell for it. My dh wanted to go to a hotel to be alone. He said that he wanted to bring some beer with because if he just drank that bottle of wine after our "toast", he would be tired and want to sleep. I told him that I better not even take the first sip of wine, because I would want more too. He said, "Fine, you don't want to toast with me? Well, I am not going to drink by myself then, so we just won't bring anything." I should have left it alone, but I grabbed the bottle later, telling myself that I could handle one toast. I wanted to taste the wine, he brought it from Napa Valley, CA. At the hotel he was waiting for me to ask him to open the bottle, I didn't. When he finally did, I enjoyed two glasses. We had some decent conversation. He cracked a beer when he was done with his wine. I had been eyeing up the beer all night. I went to open one, and dh said "I know you don't think you are going to have that beer." So the power struggle began. He took it from me, i went and got another, and told him that I just wanted one, which I did.
By the way, my ultimate long term goal was to be able to have one or two beers, possibly a glass of wine, and then stop, but i know that this is not likely to work.
I drank the beer, and dh went to bed, withholding intimacy from me, saying that "You just had to have that beer, I knew that you were too weak to handle this."
Okay, so it was a setup and it turned into a controlling, abusive scenario. I felt awful for breaking my two and a half weeks of strong behavior and being degraded on top of it. I told him that he had no say in whether or not i had a beer or not, he sabotaged me the moment he poured that wine for me, the rest is between me and God. I know this. I was feeling and acting powerful and strong being sober. He saw this and had to drag me down.
He constantly talks about alcohol as if to rub it in my face that I am not having any. I guess it may be because like you said, he wants to resist this change. LIke he said, we met with alcohol, and it has been a part of our lives for the nine years that we have been together.
Oh yeah, and the "toast" wasn't a toast at all. He simply said, "Cheers". I said, "Cheers to what?" Hoping for something romantic. He had nothing to say. Later when we were arguing about the fact that he contributed to my "weak" actions, and confronted him about the toast, he told me that the toast was for us spending time together. The toast came a few hours too later. I know his game, and I am very upset about it. But at the same time, it made me stronger in the long run, because i will never trust him again when it comes to alchohol. I don't know. It's very difficult to say these things.
Sorry for the novel.
alcohol-kicked-my butt
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: oregon
Posts: 191
wow
i have never heard of a spouse doing such horrible things--i hope one day you can have a serene life with someone who truly loves you and cares and supports you--but first have you triedd aa for support or other groups or church friends--im so sorry you have to be in this situation --very sad--take care
laura
i have never heard of a spouse doing such horrible things--i hope one day you can have a serene life with someone who truly loves you and cares and supports you--but first have you triedd aa for support or other groups or church friends--im so sorry you have to be in this situation --very sad--take care
laura
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Originally Posted by Lola1971
...he told me that the toast was for us spending time together... I know his game, and I am very upset about it... i will never trust him again when it comes to alchohol...
I hear you, as I'm involved in that same terrible controlling mind game. Your husband does not want you to change, to grow beyond the common bond you share in alcohol, for to lose that connection removes you one step further from him. If you are healthy and strong you might start thinking you don't NEED him. But if you play his game and feel guilty, worried about hurting his feelings by not participating with him in that common bond you share, you'll stick with him and the alcohol. Therein you're stuck.
When I FINALLY told my husband one year ago that I wanted to quit using hard drugs, and was entering a 2-month outpatient abstinence treatment program, he insisted smoking pot would not do me any harm, he kept smoking and encouraging me to smoke with him. This was our shared bond! And also about the last common interest we maintained together. I didn't use anything those two months, but within 3 months started smoking again and within 5 months was back into my old using habits. There is NO support from him for me to quit smoking (on the contrary, it's encouraged!), and as a result of all that's transpired, there is no trust in our relationship, it's failing, his insecurities about losing me prevent progress, and my inability to be honest with him keep me trapped in escapist mentality. A relationship without trust and honesty is a hollow shell, set to collapse.
If you are serious about wanting to make lasting, positive changes for yourself and your children, the more support you can surround yourself with the stronger you can be. Keep thinking, keep searching, and don't be afraid to reach out to others for support. I write that for you as well as for myself. Thanks for giving me reason to state that. It's a message repeated over and over here, to reach out, as good SR friend Midas advises, "Gather all your support, and put yourself in the middle of it."
Still learning; ever grateful
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: VA
Posts: 842
Hi there, and welcome! I'm pretty sure you'll find the answers you need here, as well as a few "AHA!" moments. Though we've all walked in diff't shoes, we had the same disease. SR gave me hope and I got sober - listen, read and learn, and you'll do the same! We're pulling for you!!
Hugs,
DG
Hugs,
DG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 2,274
"I am thankful for this online community because I know that I can do this without a rehab center or AA meetings, etc."
Good luck on that! Online support is helpful but it is no substitute, in my opinion, for contact with real, flesh and blood people who are trying to do the same thing--stay sober. You make going to AA sound like it is this terrible and awful thing to do--like a last resort. I have found that AA is a great place to go for recovery. It saved my life and has saved the lives of countless alcoholics.
Good luck on that! Online support is helpful but it is no substitute, in my opinion, for contact with real, flesh and blood people who are trying to do the same thing--stay sober. You make going to AA sound like it is this terrible and awful thing to do--like a last resort. I have found that AA is a great place to go for recovery. It saved my life and has saved the lives of countless alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Powder Springs, GA
Posts: 4
I've only been sober a short time so my words may not be the right ones but this has been working for me. I basically have put my sobriety first and the needs of others regardless of who they are second. Heck why not! When I was getting hammered all the time I was putting my drunk first. At least this time I'm not hurting anyone. Especialy me! I say this with compasion.
KenW
KenW
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
Hi there Lola , welcome to SR 
It is a great place for support!
Must say, that with all the opposition you are facing in your home, f2f meetings would be a big help, just to be able to ring someone who really understands.
I wish you well on your recovery journey
HUGX
Lee
It is a great place for support!Must say, that with all the opposition you are facing in your home, f2f meetings would be a big help, just to be able to ring someone who really understands.
I wish you well on your recovery journey
HUGX
Lee
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
(((Lola)))
Welcome and good luck on your sobriety. Your husbands behavior is not supportive at all. His actions, I believe are cruel in nature. Taunting, tempting and belittling are the last thing you need. Your sobriety is being sabotaged and I think it would be beneficial to ask yourself if you can succeed with your husband around. I wish you the best and keep coming back.
Welcome and good luck on your sobriety. Your husbands behavior is not supportive at all. His actions, I believe are cruel in nature. Taunting, tempting and belittling are the last thing you need. Your sobriety is being sabotaged and I think it would be beneficial to ask yourself if you can succeed with your husband around. I wish you the best and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New Focus
Posts: 687
Originally Posted by Lola1971
i had already made the decision to quit for ME and mY CHILDREN. So, I am taking back my dignity and respect for myself and for my marriage and for my two beautiful daughters.
.
.
Good for you and welcome to SR, you will find lots of support here.
Take Care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 4
I agree that my husband's actions and demeanor are cruel by nature, and I must fact this fact sooner than later. You know it is very easy for me to deny because he is not home half of the time. He is on the road, and his mood is different each time he comes home. But now that I am not going to drink with him, and as Alone said, I won't be projecting myself in a vulnerable or insecure manner anymore, he may even up the anty as far as being cruel by taunting me. I really lost it for him this weekend, and I am hurting, but I remain in denial as he is gone again, and I have Grad School and my girls to attend to. All I can do is be myself and not pick up a drink.
The reason that I say I do not need A.A. is because I have reached a whole higher level of consciousness and understanding about what I have been doing, and what I need to be doing with myself. I simply can't drink, and I have no desire to sink that low again. I read this excellent book called, Anyone can stop drinking, even you! I forget the author, i got the book from my university library. The book was from 1957, and the author simply wrote from his soul. I love the way he wrote, and he reinforced the fact that an alcoholic is always one drink away from being an alcoholic, alcoholics must become at one with their inner God power, and alcoholics must educate and help other alcoholics. There is no turning back for me. I have hit bottom, and I won't go back down there, ever. I hope that I don't have to lost my family life because of it.
The reason that I say I do not need A.A. is because I have reached a whole higher level of consciousness and understanding about what I have been doing, and what I need to be doing with myself. I simply can't drink, and I have no desire to sink that low again. I read this excellent book called, Anyone can stop drinking, even you! I forget the author, i got the book from my university library. The book was from 1957, and the author simply wrote from his soul. I love the way he wrote, and he reinforced the fact that an alcoholic is always one drink away from being an alcoholic, alcoholics must become at one with their inner God power, and alcoholics must educate and help other alcoholics. There is no turning back for me. I have hit bottom, and I won't go back down there, ever. I hope that I don't have to lost my family life because of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by 2dayzmuse
(((Lola)))
Welcome and good luck on your sobriety. Your husbands behavior is not supportive at all. His actions, I believe are cruel in nature. Taunting, tempting and belittling are the last thing you need. Your sobriety is being sabotaged and I think it would be beneficial to ask yourself if you can succeed with your husband around. I wish you the best and keep coming back.
Welcome and good luck on your sobriety. Your husbands behavior is not supportive at all. His actions, I believe are cruel in nature. Taunting, tempting and belittling are the last thing you need. Your sobriety is being sabotaged and I think it would be beneficial to ask yourself if you can succeed with your husband around. I wish you the best and keep coming back.
I can succeed, but I may hate him by the time he is done doing whatever it is that he is doing.
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