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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: IL
Posts: 8
new to boards
I have never posted to any message board before. I need support, advice and understanding that I am not getting from family. I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 11 years. We have a 3 yr old boy and a 17 mos girl. My husband has had a drinking problem well before we met while in the Navy in 1989. Just about everyone drinks in the Navy, so his behavior did not seem odd to me at the time. Anyway, I am struggling on where to put him in my head. I am losing respect for him and feel like my love for him is fading as a result. I get really angry when he comes home wasted and is a bump on a log the rest of the night. One is not suppose to lash out with anger because it does not help the situation, but I feel that if I do not get angry that will show that I do not care and therefore do not love him anymore. (Lately, I am doing better with my anger, but he always does something really stupid to set me off.) I feel like I am doing all of the giving, understanding, being supportive and hopeful, but do not get much in return. My husband says that he is trying really hard to stay sober and that he is getting better. I have no idea what that means. All that I can see is that he is drinking on the job (1-2 x/wk), drinking and driving and blowing a lot money we do not have and constant lies. It hurts me that I cannot feel proud of my husband and trust him and have faith in our marriage while he continues to drink. It is hard for me not to hold him totally accountable for his behavior and blame the disease instead. I feel that I cannot love him and feel genuine pity for him at the same time. Any thoughts as to how I can get past this black & white thinking? Wallflower
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Wallflower,
Welcome!! Make yourself at home!!
The first step of alanon is the same as the first step in AA.
1. We admitted we were powerless over the alcoholic -- that our lives had become unmanageable
You are powerless over your husbands choices. By trying to control the uncontrollable we make ourselves crazy and our lives become just as crazy.
It is not a "rule" not to get angry at them. It is simply useless and gives them a reason to blame you instead of themselves. And it doesn't change one thing. I felt more guilt over arguments than relief. Who needs that?
Stick around and read the posts. Get to know us and let us get to know you. Someone is always here!
Hugs,
JT
Welcome!! Make yourself at home!!
The first step of alanon is the same as the first step in AA.
1. We admitted we were powerless over the alcoholic -- that our lives had become unmanageable
You are powerless over your husbands choices. By trying to control the uncontrollable we make ourselves crazy and our lives become just as crazy.
It is not a "rule" not to get angry at them. It is simply useless and gives them a reason to blame you instead of themselves. And it doesn't change one thing. I felt more guilt over arguments than relief. Who needs that?
Stick around and read the posts. Get to know us and let us get to know you. Someone is always here!
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
dear wallflower,
welcome to the forum. read the posts and u will learn alot about the illness, and recovery from this illness that impacts us too. try and find an alanon meeting to go to in ur area. they recommend 6 meetings as close together as u can get to get a feeling for the program. it has saved my sanity and i highly recommend any of their reading materials.
hugs from sugar
welcome to the forum. read the posts and u will learn alot about the illness, and recovery from this illness that impacts us too. try and find an alanon meeting to go to in ur area. they recommend 6 meetings as close together as u can get to get a feeling for the program. it has saved my sanity and i highly recommend any of their reading materials.
hugs from sugar
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Wallflower,
So glad you found us... I am tellin ya, I have been reading / posting here for many months and it has helped immensly! My A is my husband as well. With the help from the local meetings I attend, and from the wonderful love, advice, and support of all those here I am actually able to GET ON with MY life, despite my husband's disease. There IS help and hope... keep comin back
Meg
So glad you found us... I am tellin ya, I have been reading / posting here for many months and it has helped immensly! My A is my husband as well. With the help from the local meetings I attend, and from the wonderful love, advice, and support of all those here I am actually able to GET ON with MY life, despite my husband's disease. There IS help and hope... keep comin back
Meg
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Wallflower,
You will get the help and support you need on this message board. This has been the single most helpful support I have had over the past year. I also go to Alanon meetings and they are very helpful too. But I come here everyday and read and share about my thoughts, struggles, and issues. And I share the anger I feel and sometimes just vent. Keep coming back, you will feel relief with us and with Alanon. My situation is not much different from yours, and whereas the situation has gotten worse over the past year, I have gotten better. There is much love here. Welcome.........
You will get the help and support you need on this message board. This has been the single most helpful support I have had over the past year. I also go to Alanon meetings and they are very helpful too. But I come here everyday and read and share about my thoughts, struggles, and issues. And I share the anger I feel and sometimes just vent. Keep coming back, you will feel relief with us and with Alanon. My situation is not much different from yours, and whereas the situation has gotten worse over the past year, I have gotten better. There is much love here. Welcome.........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: IL
Posts: 8
I have been to Al-Anon meetings a while back. I just didn't feel at home at any of them. I probably did not give them a fair shake. Everyone was further along than I. I think that my husband is finally realizing that the only way to stay sober is to stick with AA. He has had problems with "God" in their program. He has never stayed with AA any longer than a couple of weeks or maybe a month. Recently, he admitted to me that he started to pray to God to help him stay sober that day. This is big deal because this is coming from someone who was not brought up believing in God and never went to church. He always said that he was Agnostic. He also thinks that God has spoke to him in suttle ways. I am floored with this because I never thought he would ever give God a chance and have faith and spirituality in his life. He asked if the family could go to church this Sunday. I hope this is the real thing. I am skeptical because he has never stuck with anything for very long.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Wallflower,
Glad you've found your way to this site. It has been a life saver for me. The support here is wonderful. And you will find people here who are living the same life you are. It helps to know there are others in the same boat. But what is better is that you know there are others in the same boat and THEY ARE MAKING IT!
Wall, please give the Al Anon meetings another try. I was SCARED to death to go, but took the step and gave them time. They are SO helpful. Just being with people who understand is so helpful to me. Plus I'm learning a lot about myself and how I can make my situation better.
I think it is a GREAT sign that your husband is mentioning God. Wall, recognizing there is a higher power and turning this all over to him is SO important for your husband and you. But don't worry about if his acknowledgement of God will last. Just enjoy it today. I'd take him up on his offer to attend church Sunday. I'm sure God will speak to him in some way. Hey, I think God is already working in him and that is a great sign!
Trust me, I understand your frustration with all of this. Just know I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. Now go find that Al Anon meeting and GO!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Glad you've found your way to this site. It has been a life saver for me. The support here is wonderful. And you will find people here who are living the same life you are. It helps to know there are others in the same boat. But what is better is that you know there are others in the same boat and THEY ARE MAKING IT!
Wall, please give the Al Anon meetings another try. I was SCARED to death to go, but took the step and gave them time. They are SO helpful. Just being with people who understand is so helpful to me. Plus I'm learning a lot about myself and how I can make my situation better.
I think it is a GREAT sign that your husband is mentioning God. Wall, recognizing there is a higher power and turning this all over to him is SO important for your husband and you. But don't worry about if his acknowledgement of God will last. Just enjoy it today. I'd take him up on his offer to attend church Sunday. I'm sure God will speak to him in some way. Hey, I think God is already working in him and that is a great sign!
Trust me, I understand your frustration with all of this. Just know I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers. Now go find that Al Anon meeting and GO!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
((((((Wallflower)))))
I'm so happy you found this board! You will get some much help here, and everyone is so uplifting.
The fact that your husband has mentioned God I so great! I'll keep you in my prayers.
In the meantime, take care of yourself, and your young'uns!
Hugs, Lyn
The fact that your husband has mentioned God I so great! I'll keep you in my prayers.
In the meantime, take care of yourself, and your young'uns!
Hugs, Lyn
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
(((Welcome Wallfower)))
hope you keep coming back here its a great start
and as Hangin in said give alanon another try
everyone you see there was in a starting place at
one time too, they are able to live their lives and be
happy whether they're with their alcoholic or not.
Thats what alanon is all about and these boards to
reach out and help another with our experience,
strenghth and hope. AA is for the alcoholic alanon is
all about us !
I'm (nor would any of us think so) not perfect but i'm making
progress on my own recovery.
love
liddy
hope you keep coming back here its a great start
and as Hangin in said give alanon another try
everyone you see there was in a starting place at
one time too, they are able to live their lives and be
happy whether they're with their alcoholic or not.
Thats what alanon is all about and these boards to
reach out and help another with our experience,
strenghth and hope. AA is for the alcoholic alanon is
all about us !
I'm (nor would any of us think so) not perfect but i'm making
progress on my own recovery.
love
liddy
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