Gabe

(*Thanks to the gentle, good soul who sent me this.)

On her job as a UN Human Rights Commissioner:
"The best human rights job in the world. I think that central to it is the moral authority. I can take on governments, I can stand up to bullies. I like that part of the job."
~Former Irish president and UN Human Rights High Commissioner
Mary Robinson

Abuse tactics we may have never realized...

Door slamming, kicking or punching holes in walls, fist shaking
fist pounding of inanimate objects, throwing objects
Life-style/security - innuendo/threats ("I earn the money and keep a roof over your head!") financial asset control to create dependence
Threatening or aggressive body stance and gestures, disrespect for 'personal body space'
'The Look', The silent treatment or unanswered questions
Pessured decision making
Facial Glaring, distainful smirking
Audible, annoyed-sounding "Sighing"
Snide remarks "Can't you take a joke." insults
False accusation, fault-finding, nit-picking
Making a mess and failing to clean it up
Isolating/alienation from our support groups or family
Issuing orders without giving reasons "Call me."

Falsely-stated expertise/talent/knowledge
Non-performance of duties
Interrogation of whereabouts, spending or intentions.
Commiting our time/resources without our consent
Social exclusion, gossiping, exploitation
Lack of credit for efforts
Treating you differently - 'When there are witnesses'
Disproportionate allocation of assets
Display of weapon(s) meant to intimidate
Abandonment/stranding in dangerous locations
Displayed generosity to create 'appearances' which make you uncomfortable
Sulking, walking out, provoking guilt and turning the subject to his grievances
Criticizing

Failure to consider common-sense consequences to others of his behaviour
Changed expectations or unrealistic goalsetting
Lies, including omission of needed information
Eye-rolling, 'snippy shoulder-shrug' responses, the "hrumph response, 'spit-out' responses
whispering to others or mumbled below-hearing level criticism
Requesting information about us from others rather than to us
Finger poking/pointing
Irresponsibility of other people's possessions
Pretending to fire imaginery weapons (finger/thumb reenact gun use)
Failure to consider your worries and concerns
Lack of respect for different opinions


Public humiliation, ridiculing - often at unfortunate circumstances
Swearing, name-calling, nationality/occupation, age/disability mimicking/mocking
Humiliation at lack of knowledge
Discrepancy in treatment of children, corruption/enticement/coercion into illegal or sexual activities.
Be aware of the "drop the ball' abuser instigating situations then abandoning them leaving us to clean up the mess
Lateness or non-arrival causing distress
Reckless behaviour meant to scare
Possessiveness/Jealousy
Inappropriate show of tears to appear overly reprimanded or portray insincere apology
Cutting a deal: "If you__, then I'll___"
Selecting weaker targets: Picking on Women, Children, Elderly
Bluffing Threats
Throwing 'tantrums'

Strategy: Awareness of these abusive tactics.
Refusal to accept abuse.
Be financially and emotionally free and avoid these abusers.
Hold them to accountabililty and consequences.

These abusive tactics apply to male and female abusers. They are not gender specific.

abtchonamission

Gabe, this is great. Thanks for sharing it here.

Ann

Great post, Gabe, thank you.

Many things on that list are things we may not have thought of as abuse and just dismissed as bad behaviour or having a bad day. And we each have our moments of angry outburst without violence following, but when it becomes a pattern or a normal part of our home life, it is not acceptable and is abuse.

Each item on that list is a sign of someone being out of control, and that can escalate quickly to worse behaviour. Behaviour that shows a total lack of respect for the other person is abusive.

We each have the right to respect and to be treated well. Abuse never has to be tolerated, and we can learn healthy ways to protect ourselves and keep ourselves safe. We don't deserve to be treated badly, and allowing it only encourages it.

Hugs
Ann

splendra

well I admit that in trying to control my H I have resorted to several of these tactics....

Pressured decisson making

Taking an aggressive body stance

Finger pointing

Cutting a deal...yea I try that one way too much....

splendra

to the top...bump

Hopefloats

Thank you Gabe. I like many other women/men have probably lived under some or many of these conditions and tried to reason it away. We either "caused" the person to be angry and also we or at least I convinced myself at one point that things were not that bad.

I am guilty of the silent treatment for sure. NOT today..but in the past. If I am not talking today, I take time to explain that I need my space. It is never done with a punishing attitude.

Anyway Gabe..thank you again for this. I think we should all take a good look at this list, and consider what it means.
((((Hugs))))
Hopefloats

Surviving

thank you Gabe! I never thought of some of those examples as a person being abusive. My son and his x girlfriend are both very abusive to each other according to all the different things they say and do to each other. I am praying for them both to to for counseling before they go on trying to figure out what to do. thanks again!

BigSis

When Mr. BigSis and I were counseling for domestic violence, we both had to make up lists of abuse that had occured.... they gave us a cheat sheet -

Physical - Touching that hurts in any way
Emotional - Verbal abuse
Social - Embarassing another/ridicule/pressuring in public
Financial - withholding or controlling finances
Sexual - unwanted touching/unwanted sex

At the time, I was surprised by both the categories for Financial abuse and Social abuse - and I thought I was pretty well-read. I was also far along the path of "allowing", which was entirely MY responsibility.

A note: the most powerful thing anyone EVER said to me during the worst times was NOT 'get out and get out, now'... I KNEW that was the answer. It was a wise counselor who asked me to write down why I stayed - and every reason was valid. I found I stayed for financial reasons, because I feared failure, and because I feared confrontation. She listened to my list and told me that it was perfectly OK to return home that day, as long as I realized that it was my CHOICE to return home - for all those very good reasons on my list. So I did. But after that day, I never again felt "trapped", I knew in my heart that I had chosen to be there and, when I was ready, I could choose to leave.

As some of you know, he left first. And then the REAL work began!

BigSis

Serenity Bound

Wow Gabe what a list. I have to admit that both MR SB & I have used some of these tactics. I never once thought we had an abusive relationship and we've been married 35 yrs.

SB