What Addicts Do
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What Addicts Do
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nearer to the top.
Posts: 15
Hey Ann,
Thanks for giving this it's rightful post in the stickies... I was just looking for this the other day when my M-I-L was going off on how "shocked" she is with my AH's "irresponsibility." "Irresponsible" seemed like such an understatement at the time. And re-reading "what addicts do," nowI know why!! thanks
Thanks for giving this it's rightful post in the stickies... I was just looking for this the other day when my M-I-L was going off on how "shocked" she is with my AH's "irresponsibility." "Irresponsible" seemed like such an understatement at the time. And re-reading "what addicts do," nowI know why!! thanks
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
Ann.. Thanks for putting this up! You responded to my post the other day about my son who is using drugs, which was very appreciated, so this was timely. He still hasn't called but I'm trying to get as much ammunition as I can so I know how to respond when he does call. This really helps and it fits him to a T!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Midwest
Posts: 17
2x4
I immediately printed this and taped it to my frig. I also gave a copy to my mother-in-law. Hopefully it will help her with her daughter. It was just like taking a 2x4 across the forehead! I almost cried, then sighed with relief, and finally came to terms with her "I love you and miss you"s. It is still necessary, however, to read this or at least think about it, as often as the serenity prayer! I continue to think about, what if this or what if that as if she is really any different than any other addict. I don't mean this out of the context of the disease, I simply mean that she is being controlled by this disease as are other addicts. What helps me keep her genuine desire to get clean and the relapses in perspective, is my own desire to detach and MY relapses! If detachment can be this difficult, I can't imagine how difficult it is to recover. Thanks so much for your posting of this confession.
Getting better.......
Getting better.......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: WIS
Posts: 1
The Ugly Truth
Wow, this needed to be pointed out to me in black and white printed words. The ugly truth of this addiction is when you start believing their lies are true. That the events that led them to using in a particular day, really happened (when later, they didn't really happen). What a game of deceit! I've read many posts, and they are all good writings. Each story is connected to mine. I want to believe that there will come a day, by the grace of God, serenity in my life of living with an addict that there was truly a purpose for me to stay with him and that the addict himself will live without drugs. I have seen a man go from a hard working, caring, honest man to a procrastinator, liar/deceiver, stealing man and now a man who has become very physically sick. I believe that God has a plan for each one of us. And I stand on his word that he has a plan for my A. One that is better than this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Droitwich, England
Posts: 2
My first time
This is my first time at this site. I have never tried anything like this before.
My ex-partner / best friend is a heroin addict and has been for the past seven years. We spilt up last year when he was sent to prison for the third time and I couldn't take it anymore. I fall in love at fifteen and we were inseperable and then over the years the person I loved who was kind, hardworking, loyal and caring turned into this lying, hurting monster before my very eyes.
He is 26 and I am 24 and I found out he was an addict about five years ago, its been really hard. He has stolen off everyone who loves him, been in and out of prison and generally appears to not care at times but most of the time he is very depressed and says he wants to stop but has not.
Even 18 months in prison didn't help, he couldn't wait to get a bag on the day of his release although it made him very ill.
He lost the use of two of his fingers a couple of years ago and could no longer inject in his arms and moved onto other areas of his body!
We live in a small town with many addicts, most of which we both know very well. So many people have died and we have another funeral tomorrow of one of our friends who died at the age of thirty in a garden shed!!
This has deeply upset my ex partner who says he has not had a hit for two days and can't stop crying, it was his best friend a really nice bloke.
I pray to God that this has made him see the light, I know he wants to stop I love him so much and he has so much to give.
I am trying to be supportive but he has let me down so many times, I have heard all the lies about being clean so many times. I know it's not about me and it's about him but I want to be with him, get married and have a family but until he fights his demons and faces up to this I have to realise that this may never happen in time to save his life!! :blackeye:
It hit home recently, you know it could be his family and me who get that phone call one day to say he has gone.
My ex-partner / best friend is a heroin addict and has been for the past seven years. We spilt up last year when he was sent to prison for the third time and I couldn't take it anymore. I fall in love at fifteen and we were inseperable and then over the years the person I loved who was kind, hardworking, loyal and caring turned into this lying, hurting monster before my very eyes.
He is 26 and I am 24 and I found out he was an addict about five years ago, its been really hard. He has stolen off everyone who loves him, been in and out of prison and generally appears to not care at times but most of the time he is very depressed and says he wants to stop but has not.
Even 18 months in prison didn't help, he couldn't wait to get a bag on the day of his release although it made him very ill.
He lost the use of two of his fingers a couple of years ago and could no longer inject in his arms and moved onto other areas of his body!
We live in a small town with many addicts, most of which we both know very well. So many people have died and we have another funeral tomorrow of one of our friends who died at the age of thirty in a garden shed!!
This has deeply upset my ex partner who says he has not had a hit for two days and can't stop crying, it was his best friend a really nice bloke.
I pray to God that this has made him see the light, I know he wants to stop I love him so much and he has so much to give.
I am trying to be supportive but he has let me down so many times, I have heard all the lies about being clean so many times. I know it's not about me and it's about him but I want to be with him, get married and have a family but until he fights his demons and faces up to this I have to realise that this may never happen in time to save his life!! :blackeye:
It hit home recently, you know it could be his family and me who get that phone call one day to say he has gone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Redwood City, CA
Posts: 6
I know that space...
I am in a very similiar circumstance myself. My partner of 5 years has spent the last 15 months in relapse...crack..crystal meth...he's been arrrested so many times I'm not sure, maybe 20 arrests inthe last three months. He has spent time in prison during our relationship, 2 or 3 terms, I can;t remember now. I was heavily into my own stuff then...anything to tune it all out. My point is, he is at the same space again only maybe facing 8 years in state pen instead of 8 months. He is suicidal. I am working very hard at detaching froom him with tremendous love. It is not my life, it is his that he chooses to destroy. Fortunately, my Higher Power has been a great guidance and force inmy life, more so recently. I have a great sorrow in my heart and soul for this person that can be so very beautiful and the choices he has made, and this ******* awful disease he suffers from.....and I must go on living and growing and learning about myself and my own character defects and emotional instabilities. I am placing the focus on myself, as difficult as that might be, it's life or death for me too! I choose life!!!! 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 85
I guess I better think about Jon now every time my boyfriend lies, implies that he is cheating, stealing small food items from my place, blows up and tells me I am accusing him, stole my kid's child support check from the mail and returned it after I questioned him.....and the list goes on and on.
I just hurt so much now that the truth is slowly revealing itself. I guess what hurts so bad is he is the love of my life, my first lover, who has now turned into this sociopathic deceitful monster who has no remorse at all for the pain he causes me.
I found a Rod Parsley Ministry cassette in his car the other day. I wonder if there is a ray of hope since he may be listening?
I just hurt so much now that the truth is slowly revealing itself. I guess what hurts so bad is he is the love of my life, my first lover, who has now turned into this sociopathic deceitful monster who has no remorse at all for the pain he causes me.
I found a Rod Parsley Ministry cassette in his car the other day. I wonder if there is a ray of hope since he may be listening?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Redwood City, CA
Posts: 6
I feel for your space..
Hey Godsgirl,
The realization is important in keeping yourself and your children safe. It is the behavior that we hate, not the person. This was a difficult concept for me to get...seperating the addict behavior from the person. It is the drugs/alcohol that causes such monstrous changes, but the person, the 'love of your life' is still there, he's just hidden by all this crap.
The longer I am in recovery myself (I attend Al-Anon meetings) the more I realize my part, and what is and is NOT MY responsibility.
I am focused on myself and making a happy life with or without my partner. It's something I didn't learn as a child....no one lese can make me happy, only I can do that with the love and support of my Higher Power and good friends in recovery I am finding this to be even more important for the rest of MY life.
Just as a side note, I have noticed that those partners who have let the user run his course without 'interference' also known as my help, the quicker they hit bottom and can begin to move forward in recovery themselves, should they choose so. I have many friends that seperated from their partners, husbands, whatever to find that that two or four or more years done the road they reunite in a healthy way...if it is God's Will and everyone is working their own recovery.
I know the hurt you feel, awareness is the first step, then comes acceptance of the situation as it really is, which can be followed by action, whatever action you are guided to...just keep praying and working on yourself, I promise things will get better for you faster if you connect with your Higher Power and trust his direction.
My partner is now incarcerated, following that he will go to a live-in recovery program, it could be years before he is done with his work and even then it is still God's Will that will bring us back together or not.
I trust my Higher power completely and often ask him to comfort me and embrace me and guide me, life is easier this way, I can relax, God's in Charge!
Blessings and Prayers, :rose
Cougar
The realization is important in keeping yourself and your children safe. It is the behavior that we hate, not the person. This was a difficult concept for me to get...seperating the addict behavior from the person. It is the drugs/alcohol that causes such monstrous changes, but the person, the 'love of your life' is still there, he's just hidden by all this crap.
The longer I am in recovery myself (I attend Al-Anon meetings) the more I realize my part, and what is and is NOT MY responsibility.
I am focused on myself and making a happy life with or without my partner. It's something I didn't learn as a child....no one lese can make me happy, only I can do that with the love and support of my Higher Power and good friends in recovery I am finding this to be even more important for the rest of MY life.
Just as a side note, I have noticed that those partners who have let the user run his course without 'interference' also known as my help, the quicker they hit bottom and can begin to move forward in recovery themselves, should they choose so. I have many friends that seperated from their partners, husbands, whatever to find that that two or four or more years done the road they reunite in a healthy way...if it is God's Will and everyone is working their own recovery.
I know the hurt you feel, awareness is the first step, then comes acceptance of the situation as it really is, which can be followed by action, whatever action you are guided to...just keep praying and working on yourself, I promise things will get better for you faster if you connect with your Higher Power and trust his direction.
My partner is now incarcerated, following that he will go to a live-in recovery program, it could be years before he is done with his work and even then it is still God's Will that will bring us back together or not.
I trust my Higher power completely and often ask him to comfort me and embrace me and guide me, life is easier this way, I can relax, God's in Charge!
Blessings and Prayers, :rose
Cougar
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Saint Paul,MN
Posts: 3
WOW! That sounds like someone I was recently involved with.I wondered If she was being the way she was because of the drugs or If that was who she really is.She was so wonderful for 2-21/2 months and then wam!She turned abusive,decietful,angry,and most of all she took everything I said as meaning something else.I could not win for any reason.I don't think she has used again but how long does this behavior go on?She had only been clean 6 months when we met and I just found out she was cheating on me and lying to me from the beginning.I was really hurt by this because I fell for her.She didn't seem to care If I cried,she wouldn't comfort me.She didn't seem to care about much of anything except MY behavior which she tried to change.She was rigid,un-compromising and very emotionally and verbally abusive.I just want to know If this is typical of addicts who have used a long time and does it ever get better?I am not around her right now because she dumped me but I still wonder what happened?Will she probably try to come back later? I know she was abused as a child and she told me I wasn't raised right because she knew when to shut up.Any thoughts would really help!!Thanks!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 3
She may just be a mean person in general Crisinm. . . NOT because she is out to hurt anyone, she is simply killing any good thing to feel better about her own actions. . .that is my opinion because I was there once and still have that person burried inside me. . .I just learned to controle my hurtful words and abusive behaviors I suppose. I don't want to hurt anyone now or ever. . .she may realise her ways and feel the same way I do.
This 'sticky post' really bothers me. . .well some of it. . .I recognize alot of what he is saying, but I don't believe that my partner (crack addict) doesn't really love me. I believe he does.
This makes me want to drink heavily. . .but I won't. I work in a liquor store and I didn't buy anything, so that's good. . .my situation is this>
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...51662&posted=1
and my feelings are like most of you, 'leave it to God', fate. . .I learned quickly of his patterns. . .like it is a big joke! I don't understand it. . .what is so wonderful about the drug. . .and maybe that is my problem, but I am NOT willing to go any deeper into this then I already have!
My partner is seposed to go to jail. . .he was supposed to months ago, claiming he was going to turn himself in so that he could get clean. . .bla bla BLA!!! I don't believe he will even turn himself in, nevermind that a miracle will occur that will set him free of the 'demons' he has given himself to!
I love him more then I have loved any man. . .when I read all of your posts it makes me think that either we have to endure much termoil to receive what we all long for (true love) OR it isn't really love at all. . .just a manipulation by some random person for their own gain (not sure what his initial gain from me was in the beginning). . .but if that is true, then why do I feel this love so strongly?
ENOUGH WITH THIS!!! In my heart I know I can wait for him to 'get better' but in my head I think, "there's no time to waste. . .you might have to wait forever and you have a better life out there for you! you don't need 'love' no matter how true and real it may be! you need to forget him and go on without even a thought of him!"
He called me today, he had somehow got a bus back home. . .I guess all I can do is know that there is a possibility that one day we will live a 'normal' life together and see where fate takes me.
This 'sticky post' really bothers me. . .well some of it. . .I recognize alot of what he is saying, but I don't believe that my partner (crack addict) doesn't really love me. I believe he does.
This makes me want to drink heavily. . .but I won't. I work in a liquor store and I didn't buy anything, so that's good. . .my situation is this>
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...51662&posted=1
and my feelings are like most of you, 'leave it to God', fate. . .I learned quickly of his patterns. . .like it is a big joke! I don't understand it. . .what is so wonderful about the drug. . .and maybe that is my problem, but I am NOT willing to go any deeper into this then I already have!
My partner is seposed to go to jail. . .he was supposed to months ago, claiming he was going to turn himself in so that he could get clean. . .bla bla BLA!!! I don't believe he will even turn himself in, nevermind that a miracle will occur that will set him free of the 'demons' he has given himself to!
I love him more then I have loved any man. . .when I read all of your posts it makes me think that either we have to endure much termoil to receive what we all long for (true love) OR it isn't really love at all. . .just a manipulation by some random person for their own gain (not sure what his initial gain from me was in the beginning). . .but if that is true, then why do I feel this love so strongly?
ENOUGH WITH THIS!!! In my heart I know I can wait for him to 'get better' but in my head I think, "there's no time to waste. . .you might have to wait forever and you have a better life out there for you! you don't need 'love' no matter how true and real it may be! you need to forget him and go on without even a thought of him!"
He called me today, he had somehow got a bus back home. . .I guess all I can do is know that there is a possibility that one day we will live a 'normal' life together and see where fate takes me.
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