Step Study For Codependents
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Step Study For Codependents
Hi Gang
Well we lost our previous Step Study, so I will post the first three Steps here and we can resume our discussion and get familiar with them again before we move on to Step 4. First I will post all the Steps, then follow with an outline from Melody Beattie's "Twelve Steps for Codependents". Hang in there with me until I get this caught up.
The Twelve Steps
of Co-Dependents Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
The Twelve Steps reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Well we lost our previous Step Study, so I will post the first three Steps here and we can resume our discussion and get familiar with them again before we move on to Step 4. First I will post all the Steps, then follow with an outline from Melody Beattie's "Twelve Steps for Codependents". Hang in there with me until I get this caught up.
The Twelve Steps
of Co-Dependents Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
The Twelve Steps reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Step One Discussed
"Now we are learning a better way to own our power than being victims and being controlling. It begins by admitting and accepting the truth about ourselves and our relationships."
"I didn't know how to say no. I didn't have a life of my own. I had a backlog of feelings from childhood, and chances were great that whatever I was reacting to today was probably a patterned reaction from childhood."
"On Unmanageability"
"I felt so bad about myself, I hoped that if I helped enough people, God would start treating me good. That's when it dawned on me that I needed to start treating myself good. God wasn't making me do all these things. God wasn't stopping the good from happening in my life. I was."
"Our codependency, and our unmanageability, doesn't always surround addicts and alcoholics. Many of us discover that our efforts to control another's behavior extend beyond that of controlling one person's addiction. Many of us get caught up in overt, and subtle, gestures to control many people--what they do, think, feel, and how and when they change."
"Many of us find ourselves trying to control others well into recovery. I have come to recognize that my need to control, or take care of another, is instinctive. It's my first reaction to people. It's no longer as obvious as it once was, but it's still there.
Controlling and caretaking don't work. Codependency doesn't work. It makes us feel crazy. It makes us feel like people and circumstances are driving us crazy. Our lives become unmanageable. Controlling and caretaking create unmanageability."
"The Roots Of Control"
"The belief that we have power over other people is a powerful belief--a destructive illusion that many of us learned in childhood."
"Many of us grew up believing it wasn't okay to have feelings... That was part of the control we were taught to have--repression of our emotions. Now we are learning that whatever we try to control gains control of us. If we try to control our feelings in an unhealthy way--which many of us were taught to do and learned to do to survive-our feelings will gain control of us and create unmanageability."
"We don't know how to relax and detach. Some of us aren't aware of how afraid we are...Step One gives us permission to relax, stop controlling, deal with our fear, and take care of ourselves."
"...much of what I call codependency in life is a result of feeling frightened, trapped, and stuck in relationships because I don't know how to take care of myself with people."
"Step One does not imply irresponsibility or helplessness. We are not saying, 'I can't help myself because of what others are doing, or have done to me'. We are saying the opposite that we are responsible for our affairs. Others are responsible for themselves and their affairs--whether or not we like how they are handling them."
"When we accept powerlessness, we will become empowered to take care of ourselves...This step grounds us in reality and in ourselves. It centers us. It balances us. It brings us back home to ourselves."
"The Detachment Step"
"This Step helps us begin to identify the proper use and abuse of willpower. We begin feeling instead of running from our emotions. We identify how we have neglected ourselves, so we may better love ourselves in any circumstance."
"Often this step puts us in touch with our feelings--feelings of fear, hurt, or shame. It puts us in touch with grief. At first, the Step can feel dark and frightening. It doesn't have to, not for long. It renders us powerless over what we cannot control, so we become empowered. Once we accept whatever loss or area of powerlessness we're facing, we're free to feel and deal with our feelings, then move forward with life."
"Detach. Detach from the fear. Detach from the need to control. Focus on ourselves, and let ourselves be...Love and accept ourselves as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. the solution will come. But not from trying so hard...The answer will come from detachment".
"This Step takes us to a safe place, a comfortable place."
The Source for this Step One discussion:
Melodie Beattie's: " Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps
"Now we are learning a better way to own our power than being victims and being controlling. It begins by admitting and accepting the truth about ourselves and our relationships."
"I didn't know how to say no. I didn't have a life of my own. I had a backlog of feelings from childhood, and chances were great that whatever I was reacting to today was probably a patterned reaction from childhood."
"On Unmanageability"
"I felt so bad about myself, I hoped that if I helped enough people, God would start treating me good. That's when it dawned on me that I needed to start treating myself good. God wasn't making me do all these things. God wasn't stopping the good from happening in my life. I was."
"Our codependency, and our unmanageability, doesn't always surround addicts and alcoholics. Many of us discover that our efforts to control another's behavior extend beyond that of controlling one person's addiction. Many of us get caught up in overt, and subtle, gestures to control many people--what they do, think, feel, and how and when they change."
"Many of us find ourselves trying to control others well into recovery. I have come to recognize that my need to control, or take care of another, is instinctive. It's my first reaction to people. It's no longer as obvious as it once was, but it's still there.
Controlling and caretaking don't work. Codependency doesn't work. It makes us feel crazy. It makes us feel like people and circumstances are driving us crazy. Our lives become unmanageable. Controlling and caretaking create unmanageability."
"The Roots Of Control"
"The belief that we have power over other people is a powerful belief--a destructive illusion that many of us learned in childhood."
"Many of us grew up believing it wasn't okay to have feelings... That was part of the control we were taught to have--repression of our emotions. Now we are learning that whatever we try to control gains control of us. If we try to control our feelings in an unhealthy way--which many of us were taught to do and learned to do to survive-our feelings will gain control of us and create unmanageability."
"We don't know how to relax and detach. Some of us aren't aware of how afraid we are...Step One gives us permission to relax, stop controlling, deal with our fear, and take care of ourselves."
"...much of what I call codependency in life is a result of feeling frightened, trapped, and stuck in relationships because I don't know how to take care of myself with people."
"Step One does not imply irresponsibility or helplessness. We are not saying, 'I can't help myself because of what others are doing, or have done to me'. We are saying the opposite that we are responsible for our affairs. Others are responsible for themselves and their affairs--whether or not we like how they are handling them."
"When we accept powerlessness, we will become empowered to take care of ourselves...This step grounds us in reality and in ourselves. It centers us. It balances us. It brings us back home to ourselves."
"The Detachment Step"
"This Step helps us begin to identify the proper use and abuse of willpower. We begin feeling instead of running from our emotions. We identify how we have neglected ourselves, so we may better love ourselves in any circumstance."
"Often this step puts us in touch with our feelings--feelings of fear, hurt, or shame. It puts us in touch with grief. At first, the Step can feel dark and frightening. It doesn't have to, not for long. It renders us powerless over what we cannot control, so we become empowered. Once we accept whatever loss or area of powerlessness we're facing, we're free to feel and deal with our feelings, then move forward with life."
"Detach. Detach from the fear. Detach from the need to control. Focus on ourselves, and let ourselves be...Love and accept ourselves as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. the solution will come. But not from trying so hard...The answer will come from detachment".
"This Step takes us to a safe place, a comfortable place."
The Source for this Step One discussion:
Melodie Beattie's: " Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Two Discussed
"The Second Step puts us on track - a new track - a course that holds more power and direction than we have on our own. It is the transition Step. It takes us from where we are to where we want to go."
"All we are asked to do now is believe. In fact, all we are asked to do is "come to believe". We do that by opening our minds and hearts and connecting with other recovering people."
RESTORED TO SANITY
"Although we share codependency issues, each of us has a personal version of how codependency manifested itself in our lives and what being restored to sanity means."
"Not only do we have our own ideas of what it means to be restored to sanity but these ideas may change as we change. In the beginning of recovery, I needed to be restored from chasing alcoholics around, trying to make them stop drinking, to the sanity of living my own life. I needed to be restored from continual self-neglect to learning to pay daily, loving attention to myself and my needs. I needed to be restored from believing I had to, and could, control others to a place of letting go of others and allowing life to unfold."
"My idea of being restored to sanity centers around owning my power in relationships — learning how not to let others have all the power, learning not to allow others to control me, no matter how healthy or well intentioned the people I'm dealing with. To me, sanity is when I am at peace with myself and take care of myself with others, instead of taking care of them."
"Many of us find that as our recovery progresses, our definition of sanity changes. Initially, many of us come to recovery thinking that it is reasonable to repress our feelings, dislike ourselves, stay immersed in shame, and feel trapped and hopeless. We may come to recovery thinking it normal that people endure being alive and slog through a miserable form of existence. We may think it normal to deny and deprive ourselves. We may think expecting perfectionism of ourselves is reasonable!"
"We may look upon victimization as a normal day-to-day event, a reasonable reaction to most of life's circumstances."
"But this viewpoint changes for many of us when we begin to identify those past behaviors as codependent."
"Later, we may look upon any return to the unpleasant and negative thought patterns and emotions that accompany codependency as undesirable, and a reason to use this Step. We do not blame ourselves or expect to be free of tangles. Tangles can be beneficial and growth- producing. We do not look upon emotions as insanity, but rather as healthy expressions of healthy living. But most of us prefer to stay balanced. In fact, feeling good - and for us that means feeling all our emotions - eventually begins to feel good."
"Some of us are looking for more from this Step and from recovery as a whole than being restored. Many of us feel that we have never experienced the kind of life we want for ourselves. We feel we are beginning for the first time to develop a manner of loving and living that is healthy."
CAME TO BELIEVE
"We do not begin by believing a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. We work into it. We grow into our belief. We come to believe."
"Many of us find that we come to believe by seeing other people with problems similar to ours restored to sanity as a result of working these Steps. For us, seeing is believing."
"And coming to meetings is how we come to believe."
"Many of us have little difficulty working this Step, once we begin attending meetings. It is difficult not to come to believe if we listen and watch."
"Perhaps the greatest offering of this Step is that no matter what we want and need done in our lives, we do not have to do it by ourselves. We don't have to use our will to change ourselves. For once, we don't have to try so hard."
"We can turn to a Power greater than ourselves."
A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES
"We don't have to begin with a complex understanding of a Power greater than ourselves. We don't want to begin with detailed ideas about what we want accomplished in our lives and how that should happen."
"We don't even have to know what we're going to be doing tomorrow."
"We can start where we are, with whatever amount of belief or disbelief we have at the moment. We start by believing that we can and will be restored to sanity - whether that restoration is a brief event, such as handling a momentary feeling, or a larger event, such as the restoration we need when we begin recovery or go through a traumatic experience."
"We open ourselves to the help, loving care, guidance, and power of God. We come to believe we will be healed and that the tools we need to be healed will come into our lives. Our faith is not misplaced when we come to believe that recovery will work for us."
"God was inserted into this program of recovery because God is fundamental to recovery and fundamental to the psychic and soul-level change and healing we're seeking. We do certain things to change, but essentially, we are changed. It is a spiritual process."
"The decision to refer to God as a "Power greater than ourselves" and to allow people to develop their own understanding of this power is intentional."
"This program is spiritual, not religious. The Steps were written to be compatible with all religious and denominational beliefs. They were also intended to be accessible to those without religious or denominational beliefs."
"Many of us come to recovery with contorted, fearful, and sometimes rigid and shame-based understandings of God. We may fear God. We may fear that God despises us or has abandoned us. We may have had unpleasant dealings with certain religious denominations. Some people come to this program because of a religious system had the same destructive impact on them as a dysfunctional family system."
"Great care must be taken to allow individuals the freedom to explore and determine their own spiritual beliefs."
"Because of the great amount of physical and sexual abuse that many of us have suffered, some Twelve Steps programs have removed any gender reference to God. Some people don't want to identify God as a male-gender Being; some don't want to refer to God as a female-gender Being. Some don't want to call God "Father", because of the abuse suffered at the hands of an earthly father."
"Some of us are comfortable embracing a traditional concept of God. That's fine, too."
"These Steps allow us each to get our needs met by a God of our understanding. We can come to these Steps with our fears, prejudices, needs, and desires, and still find recovery."
"When we take this Step, we begin to learn through personal experience. Then, others come to believe through our example of how we have been healed and helped. This program is a never- ending chain of healing."
"By believing and staying open to this healing process, we will become changed, in a natural, manageable fashion."
"We can use this Step to help us get through difficult situations around us, within us, or both."
"We can use this Step to help us come to believe that we can develop a sane, loving approach to ourselves, life, and others - no matter what our past or present circumstances. This Step means we no longer have to limit our futures by our pasts."
THE HOPE STEP
"Breathe deeply. Believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Be grounded on that new level. By believing, we create the space for that to happen. We stop empowering the problem and begin to empower the solution, one that will be given to us."
"Do not worry about how it will happen. Do not worry about when it will happen. All we need will be given to us, done for us. We are in the process of becoming changed. All we need to do is believe."
"Most of us find we don't have to work too hard at this Step. Coming to believe is a gift. It will be given to us when we are ready for it, and we will receive as much belief as we can handle as we are ready."
"In the First Step we surrendered to powerlessness. That was the beginning. Now we are on the way to becoming empowered by a Power greater than ourselves. This Power responds quickly and greatly to the slightest movement forward, the smallest indication of belief on our part."
"We will be restored. We will be renewed. We will be lifted out of our present circumstance and into a solution, whether that involves a change of heart, a change of attitude, a new path, a new feeling, or a new vision of what we are to do. Sometimes this happens quickly. Sometimes it takes a while."
"Open ourselves to the belief that a new and better way will appear, and it will. Open ourselves, for one moment, to the possibility that a Higher Power can create a new way or a new situation or a solution, and we have set the stage for that to happen. Open ourselves to the possibility that we can be restored, and we shall begin that journey."
"For many of us, taking the First Step - facing and admitting the unmanageability, pain, and loss in our lives - felt dark and hopeless. The Second Step takes us out of the darkness and into the light of hope and promise."
"This Step offers hope, not the false hope many of us have clung to for years, but real hope in a real recovery. Take it whenever we need to."
The Source for this Step Two discussion:
Melodie Beattie's: " Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps"
Step Two Discussed
"The Second Step puts us on track - a new track - a course that holds more power and direction than we have on our own. It is the transition Step. It takes us from where we are to where we want to go."
"All we are asked to do now is believe. In fact, all we are asked to do is "come to believe". We do that by opening our minds and hearts and connecting with other recovering people."
RESTORED TO SANITY
"Although we share codependency issues, each of us has a personal version of how codependency manifested itself in our lives and what being restored to sanity means."
"Not only do we have our own ideas of what it means to be restored to sanity but these ideas may change as we change. In the beginning of recovery, I needed to be restored from chasing alcoholics around, trying to make them stop drinking, to the sanity of living my own life. I needed to be restored from continual self-neglect to learning to pay daily, loving attention to myself and my needs. I needed to be restored from believing I had to, and could, control others to a place of letting go of others and allowing life to unfold."
"My idea of being restored to sanity centers around owning my power in relationships — learning how not to let others have all the power, learning not to allow others to control me, no matter how healthy or well intentioned the people I'm dealing with. To me, sanity is when I am at peace with myself and take care of myself with others, instead of taking care of them."
"Many of us find that as our recovery progresses, our definition of sanity changes. Initially, many of us come to recovery thinking that it is reasonable to repress our feelings, dislike ourselves, stay immersed in shame, and feel trapped and hopeless. We may come to recovery thinking it normal that people endure being alive and slog through a miserable form of existence. We may think it normal to deny and deprive ourselves. We may think expecting perfectionism of ourselves is reasonable!"
"We may look upon victimization as a normal day-to-day event, a reasonable reaction to most of life's circumstances."
"But this viewpoint changes for many of us when we begin to identify those past behaviors as codependent."
"Later, we may look upon any return to the unpleasant and negative thought patterns and emotions that accompany codependency as undesirable, and a reason to use this Step. We do not blame ourselves or expect to be free of tangles. Tangles can be beneficial and growth- producing. We do not look upon emotions as insanity, but rather as healthy expressions of healthy living. But most of us prefer to stay balanced. In fact, feeling good - and for us that means feeling all our emotions - eventually begins to feel good."
"Some of us are looking for more from this Step and from recovery as a whole than being restored. Many of us feel that we have never experienced the kind of life we want for ourselves. We feel we are beginning for the first time to develop a manner of loving and living that is healthy."
CAME TO BELIEVE
"We do not begin by believing a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. We work into it. We grow into our belief. We come to believe."
"Many of us find that we come to believe by seeing other people with problems similar to ours restored to sanity as a result of working these Steps. For us, seeing is believing."
"And coming to meetings is how we come to believe."
"Many of us have little difficulty working this Step, once we begin attending meetings. It is difficult not to come to believe if we listen and watch."
"Perhaps the greatest offering of this Step is that no matter what we want and need done in our lives, we do not have to do it by ourselves. We don't have to use our will to change ourselves. For once, we don't have to try so hard."
"We can turn to a Power greater than ourselves."
A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES
"We don't have to begin with a complex understanding of a Power greater than ourselves. We don't want to begin with detailed ideas about what we want accomplished in our lives and how that should happen."
"We don't even have to know what we're going to be doing tomorrow."
"We can start where we are, with whatever amount of belief or disbelief we have at the moment. We start by believing that we can and will be restored to sanity - whether that restoration is a brief event, such as handling a momentary feeling, or a larger event, such as the restoration we need when we begin recovery or go through a traumatic experience."
"We open ourselves to the help, loving care, guidance, and power of God. We come to believe we will be healed and that the tools we need to be healed will come into our lives. Our faith is not misplaced when we come to believe that recovery will work for us."
"God was inserted into this program of recovery because God is fundamental to recovery and fundamental to the psychic and soul-level change and healing we're seeking. We do certain things to change, but essentially, we are changed. It is a spiritual process."
"The decision to refer to God as a "Power greater than ourselves" and to allow people to develop their own understanding of this power is intentional."
"This program is spiritual, not religious. The Steps were written to be compatible with all religious and denominational beliefs. They were also intended to be accessible to those without religious or denominational beliefs."
"Many of us come to recovery with contorted, fearful, and sometimes rigid and shame-based understandings of God. We may fear God. We may fear that God despises us or has abandoned us. We may have had unpleasant dealings with certain religious denominations. Some people come to this program because of a religious system had the same destructive impact on them as a dysfunctional family system."
"Great care must be taken to allow individuals the freedom to explore and determine their own spiritual beliefs."
"Because of the great amount of physical and sexual abuse that many of us have suffered, some Twelve Steps programs have removed any gender reference to God. Some people don't want to identify God as a male-gender Being; some don't want to refer to God as a female-gender Being. Some don't want to call God "Father", because of the abuse suffered at the hands of an earthly father."
"Some of us are comfortable embracing a traditional concept of God. That's fine, too."
"These Steps allow us each to get our needs met by a God of our understanding. We can come to these Steps with our fears, prejudices, needs, and desires, and still find recovery."
"When we take this Step, we begin to learn through personal experience. Then, others come to believe through our example of how we have been healed and helped. This program is a never- ending chain of healing."
"By believing and staying open to this healing process, we will become changed, in a natural, manageable fashion."
"We can use this Step to help us get through difficult situations around us, within us, or both."
"We can use this Step to help us come to believe that we can develop a sane, loving approach to ourselves, life, and others - no matter what our past or present circumstances. This Step means we no longer have to limit our futures by our pasts."
THE HOPE STEP
"Breathe deeply. Believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Be grounded on that new level. By believing, we create the space for that to happen. We stop empowering the problem and begin to empower the solution, one that will be given to us."
"Do not worry about how it will happen. Do not worry about when it will happen. All we need will be given to us, done for us. We are in the process of becoming changed. All we need to do is believe."
"Most of us find we don't have to work too hard at this Step. Coming to believe is a gift. It will be given to us when we are ready for it, and we will receive as much belief as we can handle as we are ready."
"In the First Step we surrendered to powerlessness. That was the beginning. Now we are on the way to becoming empowered by a Power greater than ourselves. This Power responds quickly and greatly to the slightest movement forward, the smallest indication of belief on our part."
"We will be restored. We will be renewed. We will be lifted out of our present circumstance and into a solution, whether that involves a change of heart, a change of attitude, a new path, a new feeling, or a new vision of what we are to do. Sometimes this happens quickly. Sometimes it takes a while."
"Open ourselves to the belief that a new and better way will appear, and it will. Open ourselves, for one moment, to the possibility that a Higher Power can create a new way or a new situation or a solution, and we have set the stage for that to happen. Open ourselves to the possibility that we can be restored, and we shall begin that journey."
"For many of us, taking the First Step - facing and admitting the unmanageability, pain, and loss in our lives - felt dark and hopeless. The Second Step takes us out of the darkness and into the light of hope and promise."
"This Step offers hope, not the false hope many of us have clung to for years, but real hope in a real recovery. Take it whenever we need to."
The Source for this Step Two discussion:
Melodie Beattie's: " Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps"
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Step Three Discussed
"Many of us have confused ideas about what it means to surrender to the care of God. Anyone who has battled with control issues may have a hard time giving up, giving in, and letting go. Sometimes we surrender too much. We become victimized, we refuse to take care of ourselves, and we blame that on God."
"In Step Two, we acknowledge that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. In this Step, we do what needs to be done to let God do that. We turn ourselves over to God's care. Then we do our part by learning to take care of ourselves."
TURNING OVER OUR LIVES AND WILLS
"Making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God, is making a decision to live our life with God's help, and we each have a life to live."
"We make a conscious decision to place ourselves and our lives, our internal affairs and external circumstances, over to the care of God. Then, we take responsibility for our lives and allow others to do the same for themselves."
"In Step Two, we acknowledge that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. In this Step, we do what needs to be done to let God do that. We turn ourselves over to God's care. Then we do our part by learning to take care of ourselves."
TO THE CARE OF GOD
"Some of us struggle with the concept of God as a result of what we have been through before finding our way to these Steps."
"Most of us find that if we stay open, we find our own path to spirituality. Most of us find things work out if we begin with whatever amount of belief, or disbelief, we possess."
"There is a great deal of relief in taking this Step. God is going to help us take care of ourselves."
"It is safe, now, to let go of our need to be in control."
"We can go to God as our source, our Creator, our inspiration, our guidance, our direction. And we hold ourselves responsible for our behavior and choices."
"It is a relationship based on trust - trust in God and trust in self."
AS WE UNDERSTOOD GOD
"This Step declares that God is an important part of our recovery and our lives. It also states specifically that we are each free to understand God as we choose. This Step is not about religion - although a particular religion may be important in our lives. This Step is coming to terms with a personal relationship with God, as we understand and define God."
"God is not malicious. Not punitive. Not a trickster. Not out to play jokes on us. God may ask us to wait longer than we want, but only if waiting is in our best interests."
"God knows our hearts and God understands our healing needs. God understands the good that is waiting around the corner for us, the good that we can't see yet. God sees the benefit in the lessons we're learning, not just the turmoil, which is what we so often focus on."
"God can help us bring out the healer in ourselves."
TURNING IT OVER
"This Step is about willpower, and the limits and the consequences of plowing our way through life running on our own fuel. Many of us have found that we haven't gotten too far or have not arrived at the destination we liked by using our own will."
"We do not have to look around us too long or too hard to find God's will for us and our lives today. It is not hidden from the eye. God's plan for us today is taking care of ourselves the way we want and choose, within the framework of what's happening in our lives today. When it's supposed to be something different, we'll know. We'll get interrupted. We'll be lead into a new circumstance. Or a new circumstance will find us."
"Usually we find God's will by becoming quiet, trusting God and listening to and trusting ourselves. It is a place found in peace and trust, not urgency and intensity."
"It is by surrendering to the present moment that we reach the next moment in our lives."
ACCEPTANCE AND GRATITUDE
"Gratitude has immense transformational powers - for ourselves, our lives, and our circumstances. Gratitude helps make things work out well. It helps us feel better while stressful things are happening. Then when things get good, it helps us enjoy the good."
"Focusing on the negative, focusing on the "what's wrong with this picture" is a large part of our codependency. Gratitude empowers and increases what's right in our lives. It helps make things right."
"Gratitude can help bring us to a point of surrender. It can change the energy in us and our environment. Gratitude diminishes the power of the problem and empowers the solution. It releases us from the tight, negative grasp of our present circumstance. It releases fear. It helps us move out and move forward. It breeds acceptance, the magic that helps us and our circumstances change."
"Next to the Steps and detachment, gratitude is probably the most helpful recovery tool available. Like any tool, thinking about using it isn't enough. It works only when we pick it up in our hands and actually begin using it."
THE FREEDOM OF SURRENDER
"This is the surrender Step. Once we surrender, we become free to take care of ourselves, with the assistance of our Higher Power."
"Surrender doesn't mean we're helpless. It doesn't mean we surrender to abuse or intolerable circumstances. It means we acknowledge these circumstances, then ask God to help us take care of ourselves in these circumstances."
"We will have to learn to say no; how to set boundaries; how to listen to our feelings, wants, and needs; and how to respond to external circumstances in a reasonable way, one that exhibits self- care, self-love, and respect for others."
"Surrendering is how we become empowered to take care of ourselves."
"Turning our will and life over to the care of God takes the control of our life away from others. It also takes the control of others' lives away from us. It sets us free to develop our own connection to our Source and to ourselves, a connection free of the demands, expectations, and plans of another person. It can even set us free from our own demands, expectations, and plans."
"When we stop controlling others and allowing them to control us, we become free to take care of ourselves. The First Step is about powerlessness. This Step is about owning our power to take care of ourselves."
"We can use this Step when we are beginning recovery or when we run into an impasse. We can use it in the big moments of our lives or in the smaller, quieter moments. We can use it in times of confusion or despair, or when we feel stuck and trapped."
"When we have neglected ourselves to the point of despair, confusion, exhaustion, and sometimes self-abuse, we can take this Step. We can surrender to the Highest Plan and Purpose for our lives - the one that includes self-love."
"There is another way besides ours, a better one. Taking this Step helps us find that way, even when the next move is a simple one like doing the dishes or watching television."
"This Step isn't about mindlessness or selflessness."
"Stepping into God's care is a gentle step, one that brings peace and harmony. That doesn't mean our actions will never cause discord, hurt feelings, or a reaction in others. But there will be a rightness, a naturalness, and a harmony to what we do."
"Taking the Third Step is a starting point for setting our new life in motion. We can do it when we begin recovery. Then we can do it as needed."
"Once we have placed ourselves in the care of a Higher Power, the act is complete. Our lives and our wills belong to God."
"People from our past may have abandoned us. God won't. When times get rough, we don't have to wonder whether God is there or whether God cares or whether God knows what is going on."
"God is there. God cares. God's plan is one that we can participate in, one that lets us use each event and circumstance in our lives to bring about our highest good."
"Surrender renders us teachable. Humility and giving up make surrender possible. Becoming teachable allows us to learn what we could never have learned, had we not become willing to become students."
"Sometimes we surrender to anything and everything and call it God's will, and then we feel angry and hurt and get mad at God. But this isn't about God, it's about our codependency."
"When we use this Step, we understand that we cannot control others, so we stop trying. But we also realize that we no longer have to let them control us."
"This process of surrender happens not once, but again and again and again as we master a succession of lessons - lessons of healing, liberation, and love. Each time we may think: That's it. Now I've learned. It's free sailing from here on! Then we realize to our relief and delight that we are starting over as beginners again."
"Trust this process. It will take us where we truly want and need to go - in Divine and Perfect timing. Trust God's plan, for it is better than ours. Trust ourselves, for we have now tapped into a power and source infinitely more powerful than anything we've known."
The Source for this Step Three discussion:
Melodie Beattie's: " Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps"
Step Three Discussed
"Many of us have confused ideas about what it means to surrender to the care of God. Anyone who has battled with control issues may have a hard time giving up, giving in, and letting go. Sometimes we surrender too much. We become victimized, we refuse to take care of ourselves, and we blame that on God."
"In Step Two, we acknowledge that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. In this Step, we do what needs to be done to let God do that. We turn ourselves over to God's care. Then we do our part by learning to take care of ourselves."
TURNING OVER OUR LIVES AND WILLS
"Making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God, is making a decision to live our life with God's help, and we each have a life to live."
"We make a conscious decision to place ourselves and our lives, our internal affairs and external circumstances, over to the care of God. Then, we take responsibility for our lives and allow others to do the same for themselves."
"In Step Two, we acknowledge that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. In this Step, we do what needs to be done to let God do that. We turn ourselves over to God's care. Then we do our part by learning to take care of ourselves."
TO THE CARE OF GOD
"Some of us struggle with the concept of God as a result of what we have been through before finding our way to these Steps."
"Most of us find that if we stay open, we find our own path to spirituality. Most of us find things work out if we begin with whatever amount of belief, or disbelief, we possess."
"There is a great deal of relief in taking this Step. God is going to help us take care of ourselves."
"It is safe, now, to let go of our need to be in control."
"We can go to God as our source, our Creator, our inspiration, our guidance, our direction. And we hold ourselves responsible for our behavior and choices."
"It is a relationship based on trust - trust in God and trust in self."
AS WE UNDERSTOOD GOD
"This Step declares that God is an important part of our recovery and our lives. It also states specifically that we are each free to understand God as we choose. This Step is not about religion - although a particular religion may be important in our lives. This Step is coming to terms with a personal relationship with God, as we understand and define God."
"God is not malicious. Not punitive. Not a trickster. Not out to play jokes on us. God may ask us to wait longer than we want, but only if waiting is in our best interests."
"God knows our hearts and God understands our healing needs. God understands the good that is waiting around the corner for us, the good that we can't see yet. God sees the benefit in the lessons we're learning, not just the turmoil, which is what we so often focus on."
"God can help us bring out the healer in ourselves."
TURNING IT OVER
"This Step is about willpower, and the limits and the consequences of plowing our way through life running on our own fuel. Many of us have found that we haven't gotten too far or have not arrived at the destination we liked by using our own will."
"We do not have to look around us too long or too hard to find God's will for us and our lives today. It is not hidden from the eye. God's plan for us today is taking care of ourselves the way we want and choose, within the framework of what's happening in our lives today. When it's supposed to be something different, we'll know. We'll get interrupted. We'll be lead into a new circumstance. Or a new circumstance will find us."
"Usually we find God's will by becoming quiet, trusting God and listening to and trusting ourselves. It is a place found in peace and trust, not urgency and intensity."
"It is by surrendering to the present moment that we reach the next moment in our lives."
ACCEPTANCE AND GRATITUDE
"Gratitude has immense transformational powers - for ourselves, our lives, and our circumstances. Gratitude helps make things work out well. It helps us feel better while stressful things are happening. Then when things get good, it helps us enjoy the good."
"Focusing on the negative, focusing on the "what's wrong with this picture" is a large part of our codependency. Gratitude empowers and increases what's right in our lives. It helps make things right."
"Gratitude can help bring us to a point of surrender. It can change the energy in us and our environment. Gratitude diminishes the power of the problem and empowers the solution. It releases us from the tight, negative grasp of our present circumstance. It releases fear. It helps us move out and move forward. It breeds acceptance, the magic that helps us and our circumstances change."
"Next to the Steps and detachment, gratitude is probably the most helpful recovery tool available. Like any tool, thinking about using it isn't enough. It works only when we pick it up in our hands and actually begin using it."
THE FREEDOM OF SURRENDER
"This is the surrender Step. Once we surrender, we become free to take care of ourselves, with the assistance of our Higher Power."
"Surrender doesn't mean we're helpless. It doesn't mean we surrender to abuse or intolerable circumstances. It means we acknowledge these circumstances, then ask God to help us take care of ourselves in these circumstances."
"We will have to learn to say no; how to set boundaries; how to listen to our feelings, wants, and needs; and how to respond to external circumstances in a reasonable way, one that exhibits self- care, self-love, and respect for others."
"Surrendering is how we become empowered to take care of ourselves."
"Turning our will and life over to the care of God takes the control of our life away from others. It also takes the control of others' lives away from us. It sets us free to develop our own connection to our Source and to ourselves, a connection free of the demands, expectations, and plans of another person. It can even set us free from our own demands, expectations, and plans."
"When we stop controlling others and allowing them to control us, we become free to take care of ourselves. The First Step is about powerlessness. This Step is about owning our power to take care of ourselves."
"We can use this Step when we are beginning recovery or when we run into an impasse. We can use it in the big moments of our lives or in the smaller, quieter moments. We can use it in times of confusion or despair, or when we feel stuck and trapped."
"When we have neglected ourselves to the point of despair, confusion, exhaustion, and sometimes self-abuse, we can take this Step. We can surrender to the Highest Plan and Purpose for our lives - the one that includes self-love."
"There is another way besides ours, a better one. Taking this Step helps us find that way, even when the next move is a simple one like doing the dishes or watching television."
"This Step isn't about mindlessness or selflessness."
"Stepping into God's care is a gentle step, one that brings peace and harmony. That doesn't mean our actions will never cause discord, hurt feelings, or a reaction in others. But there will be a rightness, a naturalness, and a harmony to what we do."
"Taking the Third Step is a starting point for setting our new life in motion. We can do it when we begin recovery. Then we can do it as needed."
"Once we have placed ourselves in the care of a Higher Power, the act is complete. Our lives and our wills belong to God."
"People from our past may have abandoned us. God won't. When times get rough, we don't have to wonder whether God is there or whether God cares or whether God knows what is going on."
"God is there. God cares. God's plan is one that we can participate in, one that lets us use each event and circumstance in our lives to bring about our highest good."
"Surrender renders us teachable. Humility and giving up make surrender possible. Becoming teachable allows us to learn what we could never have learned, had we not become willing to become students."
"Sometimes we surrender to anything and everything and call it God's will, and then we feel angry and hurt and get mad at God. But this isn't about God, it's about our codependency."
"When we use this Step, we understand that we cannot control others, so we stop trying. But we also realize that we no longer have to let them control us."
"This process of surrender happens not once, but again and again and again as we master a succession of lessons - lessons of healing, liberation, and love. Each time we may think: That's it. Now I've learned. It's free sailing from here on! Then we realize to our relief and delight that we are starting over as beginners again."
"Trust this process. It will take us where we truly want and need to go - in Divine and Perfect timing. Trust God's plan, for it is better than ours. Trust ourselves, for we have now tapped into a power and source infinitely more powerful than anything we've known."
The Source for this Step Three discussion:
Melodie Beattie's: " Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps"
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Okay gang, we're back in business.
Let's do a review of Step One. Who is Powerless? What have you been doing to surrender this power and truly accept that you have no power over the addict or their recovery? Has anything you have every done had the power to change them?
The only thing that got me through this was to be aware every day for a period of time, of my words and actions and deciding each time if I had any power over the event at hand. If my son was late and I didn't know where he was, all the worrying, crying, screaming and pleading in the world didn't change the outcome. All it did was make me sick...because I was powerless but thought I had the power to change things, and it just left me sick and banging my head against a brick wall :banger . The action of banging my head was mine, the resulting headache was mine. The problem remained and was his, not mine...no matter how hard I tried to change that.
How about you? Where are you with this?
Hugs
Ann
Let's do a review of Step One. Who is Powerless? What have you been doing to surrender this power and truly accept that you have no power over the addict or their recovery? Has anything you have every done had the power to change them?
The only thing that got me through this was to be aware every day for a period of time, of my words and actions and deciding each time if I had any power over the event at hand. If my son was late and I didn't know where he was, all the worrying, crying, screaming and pleading in the world didn't change the outcome. All it did was make me sick...because I was powerless but thought I had the power to change things, and it just left me sick and banging my head against a brick wall :banger . The action of banging my head was mine, the resulting headache was mine. The problem remained and was his, not mine...no matter how hard I tried to change that.
How about you? Where are you with this?
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
*Gabe raises her hand*
I am powerless.
Not only powerless over the addicts in my life, but powerless over other things in my life that I have absolutely no control over.
I try to over-think those things and cling to them as tightly as I can.
But sooner or later I have to let them go.
Hanging onto them doesn't work.
It's only when I put those things in God's hands that I feel a sense of relief.
He will steer me in the right direction, as long as I let go and let Him.
That is not always an easy thing to do.
But one day at a time, I try to give to God the things I can't deal with on my own.
Peace,
Gabe
I am powerless.
Not only powerless over the addicts in my life, but powerless over other things in my life that I have absolutely no control over.
I try to over-think those things and cling to them as tightly as I can.
But sooner or later I have to let them go.
Hanging onto them doesn't work.
It's only when I put those things in God's hands that I feel a sense of relief.
He will steer me in the right direction, as long as I let go and let Him.
That is not always an easy thing to do.
But one day at a time, I try to give to God the things I can't deal with on my own.
Peace,
Gabe
Paused
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: riverside,ca
Posts: 1
I am so new to this.. my boyfriend is an adict and he was doing so good until 4 weeks ago when we broke up and my kids and i moved.. his whole family does drugs and his brothers are living with him and they bring the crap there and bring it around him amd now he has ben using on weekends.. i gave him alot of hell over it and he got mad at me and said i dont understand i was only making him feel worse.. i dont know how to deal with this or what to say or do to help him get back and go to meetings, I dont want him to go back to where he was before he got clean.. I dont want to see him screw his life up again.. help!! what do i do??
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
SandJ4ever
Welcome. I moved your question down in the regular forum under the title "Question From New Member SanJ4ever, as I believe you will get better responses there. This section where you posted is where we are doing a Step Study of the 12 Steps and is dedicated solely to that.
Don't worry, we all posted in strange places when we were new, LOL.
Just look further down on the Nar-Anon board and you will see your post re-printed.
Hugs
Ann
Welcome. I moved your question down in the regular forum under the title "Question From New Member SanJ4ever, as I believe you will get better responses there. This section where you posted is where we are doing a Step Study of the 12 Steps and is dedicated solely to that.
Don't worry, we all posted in strange places when we were new, LOL.
Just look further down on the Nar-Anon board and you will see your post re-printed.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: on the road
Posts: 110
I am powerless. Presently my AD is traveling in another state... So it is easier to accept my powerless over her. I consider this a blessing.
In the very recent past ...
I thought that calling her cell phone until she decided to answer it... 11am 12am 1am 2am 3am 4 am 5am would make her come home and stay out of trouble. haha.
I thought that following her to the school parking lot would keep her out of trouble.
I thought that sleeping with my pocketbook, cars locked, keys hidden, valuables locked up would keep her from using.
My realization of my powerlessness is still bitter-sweet, but I sleep better most nights. I realize that it is out of my hands, and I am beginning to change my focus in life. I am amazed at how much time I have. I have spent hours every day worrying, planning, arranging everything to try and control the situation. It has been freeing.
Thanks for this 12-step post. I REALLY need it.
jeepgirl
In the very recent past ...
I thought that calling her cell phone until she decided to answer it... 11am 12am 1am 2am 3am 4 am 5am would make her come home and stay out of trouble. haha.
I thought that following her to the school parking lot would keep her out of trouble.
I thought that sleeping with my pocketbook, cars locked, keys hidden, valuables locked up would keep her from using.
My realization of my powerlessness is still bitter-sweet, but I sleep better most nights. I realize that it is out of my hands, and I am beginning to change my focus in life. I am amazed at how much time I have. I have spent hours every day worrying, planning, arranging everything to try and control the situation. It has been freeing.
Thanks for this 12-step post. I REALLY need it.
jeepgirl
Bird on the rise
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Walking with my Higher Power
Posts: 220
So grateful for this step work
I Marie aka Novemberphoenix am powerless over the addicts in my life. I am powerless over the things I cannot change. I am powerless over my addiction to controlling others. I am powerless over my addiction to love and relationships.
I have been reminding myself again and again as each mental scenario I cling to presents itself - I have no power over this. I am getting nowhere hanging onto this except exaserbating the pain and fueling the addiction and obsession.
I thought loving them "enough" would change them - wrong! No amount of saying or doing or loving anyone has caused them to change. I believed that I could ellicit desired responses from people if I said things in just the right way (very old survival pattern). This is the one I get lost in denial about so often. I CAN'T CHANGE ANYONE! :banger
Too often I forget how much better life is and how much better I feel when I give my life and will to God. Too often I have blamed God for things going wrong in my life, and often I came to realize that everything had evolved exactly the way it needed to as opposed to how I wanted it to.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.
Novemberphoenix
I have been reminding myself again and again as each mental scenario I cling to presents itself - I have no power over this. I am getting nowhere hanging onto this except exaserbating the pain and fueling the addiction and obsession.
I thought loving them "enough" would change them - wrong! No amount of saying or doing or loving anyone has caused them to change. I believed that I could ellicit desired responses from people if I said things in just the right way (very old survival pattern). This is the one I get lost in denial about so often. I CAN'T CHANGE ANYONE! :banger
Too often I forget how much better life is and how much better I feel when I give my life and will to God. Too often I have blamed God for things going wrong in my life, and often I came to realize that everything had evolved exactly the way it needed to as opposed to how I wanted it to.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can.
Novemberphoenix
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
I am so very glad we are back up and running. Here are the questions for each step (1-3 at this point) from Al Anon's Paths to Recovery: Steps, Traditions and Concepts.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes� when I want to say “no�? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Do I say “yes� when I want to say “no�? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
How well do I take care of myself?
How do I feel when I am alone?
What is the difference between pity and love?
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Hiya,
I know I am powerless. At times, I have tried, every avenue known, to sideline them from using. I have tried manipulating, crying, screaming, lying, bribing, promising, etc. I've even resorted to subliminal messages. (don't ask...LOL)
On occasion, I still slip, especially when they trigger me...which is common, (all I have to do is look at them..) but, I am alot better than 3 months ago!
The only one who has the power to stop the drug abuse is them, with help from their H.P.
thanks Ann.....
I know I am powerless. At times, I have tried, every avenue known, to sideline them from using. I have tried manipulating, crying, screaming, lying, bribing, promising, etc. I've even resorted to subliminal messages. (don't ask...LOL)
On occasion, I still slip, especially when they trigger me...which is common, (all I have to do is look at them..) but, I am alot better than 3 months ago!
The only one who has the power to stop the drug abuse is them, with help from their H.P.
thanks Ann.....
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?
What would it take to allow my concept of my Higher Power to change?
Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?
What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?
Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How?
How do I describe the Higher Power I found in Al-Anon?
What does “Let Go and Let God� mean to me?
What does faith mean to me?
With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?
What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?
What does “came to believe� mean to me?
What does sanity mean to me?
How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life?
Have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my Higher Power? How?
How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior?
How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al-Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read Al Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL)? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not?
In working this Step, can I describe a Step Two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing?
When have I done the same things over and over, yet expected different results?
What is my concept of a Higher Power at this time?
What would it take to allow my concept of my Higher Power to change?
Have past experiences affected my concept of a Higher Power? If so, how?
What do I hope to gain from accepting the concept of a Power greater than myself?
Do I sense spiritual guidance in my life? How?
How do I describe the Higher Power I found in Al-Anon?
What does “Let Go and Let God� mean to me?
What does faith mean to me?
With whom and in what circumstances am I comfortable discussing my spiritual experiences?
What might I gain from believing I could be supported and loved by a Power greater than myself?
What does “came to believe� mean to me?
What does sanity mean to me?
How has the alcoholic situation affected my sanity? My life?
Have I allowed the alcoholic situation to become my Higher Power? How?
How has my thinking become distorted trying to handle the alcoholic behavior?
How have I turned to a Power greater than myself in times of great need? Did I call another Al-Anon member? My sponsor? Did I read Al Anon Conference Approved Literature (CAL)? Did I go to a meeting? If not, why not?
In working this Step, can I describe a Step Two experience to my sponsor or my group? In a written sharing?
When have I done the same things over and over, yet expected different results?
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
How do I feel about turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?
How do I know who or what my Higher Power is?
Am I willing to try to turn my problems over? What could help me to be willing?
How can I stop thinking, trying and considering, and actually make a decision?
Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? Give examples.
If I am unable to make this decision, what holds me back?
Do I trust my Higher Power to take care of me?
How might Step Three help me keep my hands off situations created by others?
What consequences have I had by obsessing on problems and other people?
When I “Let Go and Let God� take care of my life, am I willing to follow the guidance I receive?
How can I turn a situation over and let go of the results?
How can I stop myself from taking my will back?
What can I do when my loved ones make decisions I don’t like?
How can I let my loved ones find their own life paths as I am finding mine?
What can I do to try to see others as God sees them?
How can I express God’s will in my actions and words towards others, including the alcoholic?
How do I feel about turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?
How do I know who or what my Higher Power is?
Am I willing to try to turn my problems over? What could help me to be willing?
How can I stop thinking, trying and considering, and actually make a decision?
Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? Give examples.
If I am unable to make this decision, what holds me back?
Do I trust my Higher Power to take care of me?
How might Step Three help me keep my hands off situations created by others?
What consequences have I had by obsessing on problems and other people?
When I “Let Go and Let God� take care of my life, am I willing to follow the guidance I receive?
How can I turn a situation over and let go of the results?
How can I stop myself from taking my will back?
What can I do when my loved ones make decisions I don’t like?
How can I let my loved ones find their own life paths as I am finding mine?
What can I do to try to see others as God sees them?
How can I express God’s will in my actions and words towards others, including the alcoholic?
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
As a mom, I thought that the power came from love, and that if I loved him enough, allowed him to live "safely" at home, and if I monitored his actions, that it would stop the addiction. I thought if I drove him to meetings and picked him up, that he would get the message (what he did was slip out the back door and make it back before I came to pick him up).
I don't remember when I finally accepted that I was powerless, but I remember one night in particular when I sat outside a church waiting for him to come out from his meeting, and one by one others came out and left, and I kept telling myself that maybe he was cleaning up or talking to someone, and I waited and waited, until one last man came out and locked the door. I asked about my son and he said he had not been there (even though I had dropped him there myself). And I remember looking up at the cross on the top of the church and saying "God, I am finished so please take over". That was my biggest surrender and I remember the relief I felt right after I said that. Somehow I KNEW that it was now in God's hands.
When I look back today at how very sick I was with codependency, it is a little scary. I know that at the time I could only take little steps and it was a very slow process for me, but with time and practice and the Grace of God, I finally was able to surrender all thoughts of having any power over addiction. What a relief to give my burden, my fears, my sleepless nights, my anxiety attacks, all to God and to know that it was okay.
I'm not special or gifted but am just the same as anyone just walking in here. I have been to Hell and back, and I know that I don't have to go there again and am grateful.
Hugs
Ann
I don't remember when I finally accepted that I was powerless, but I remember one night in particular when I sat outside a church waiting for him to come out from his meeting, and one by one others came out and left, and I kept telling myself that maybe he was cleaning up or talking to someone, and I waited and waited, until one last man came out and locked the door. I asked about my son and he said he had not been there (even though I had dropped him there myself). And I remember looking up at the cross on the top of the church and saying "God, I am finished so please take over". That was my biggest surrender and I remember the relief I felt right after I said that. Somehow I KNEW that it was now in God's hands.
When I look back today at how very sick I was with codependency, it is a little scary. I know that at the time I could only take little steps and it was a very slow process for me, but with time and practice and the Grace of God, I finally was able to surrender all thoughts of having any power over addiction. What a relief to give my burden, my fears, my sleepless nights, my anxiety attacks, all to God and to know that it was okay.
I'm not special or gifted but am just the same as anyone just walking in here. I have been to Hell and back, and I know that I don't have to go there again and am grateful.
Hugs
Ann
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Re: Step Study For Codependents
Thank you Novemberphoenix. That's why we're here...that's why I'm here..to give back what was so freely given to me. I went to meetings and "saw" something in the people there who had been working a program. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that I wanted it. I have since learned it is called "serenity". And I was told that I too could have it, if I was willing to take those baby steps and try.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Re: Step Study For Codependents
"Many of us find ourselves trying to control others well into recovery. I have come to recognize that my need to control, or take care of another, is instinctive. It's my first reaction to people. It's no longer as obvious as it once was, but it's still there. Controlling and caretaking don't work. Codependency doesn't work. It makes us feel crazy. It makes us feel like people and circumstances are driving us crazy. Our lives become unmanageable. Controlling and caretaking create unmanageability."
Step one - I'm powerless and my life is unmanageable.
My codependency isn't just about someone's addiction. Jack is clean and has been for months. I don't even think about his using. But there's been other drama going on with his daughter, and I allowed myself to get caught up in trying to take care of him and make up for all his turmoil. I feel very much as I did when he was still actively using, before I found recovery the first time. Now, I just want peace. It's time to let go, again.
Funny, I'd forgotten how very hard it is to do that...
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Re: Step Study For Codependents
I have recently had to relearn powerlessness...at least in relation to the non-addicts in my life. There are certain types of behavior that trigger my control issues. I am not exactly sure what they are yet but I am getting there. I feel pretty sure tho that when I feel anxious about another person's actions and am tempted to "do" something about it that I need to stop, take note and give it some thought.
The thing I DO know is that since I have figured this out that I am happier.
Thanks,
JT
The thing I DO know is that since I have figured this out that I am happier.
Thanks,
JT
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