I just found out.....

Old 03-24-2006, 05:28 PM
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I just found out.....

G's getting evicted.

I may sound as if I'm stronger....well actually I feel stronger, but then this happens and I'm feeling things again.

Guess what my first reaction was *i'm ducking* Yep...I called. Guess what? Got his voice mail and left a message.

I'm sad. Sad b/c he'd rather live this life with "dirt bags" (sorry) than with us, his family. Sad b/c he's let his life get so unmanageable that he's being evicted!!! Sad b/c he may loose everything he's worked to get in the last two years.

And I'm mad at myself for wasting $500 bucks to put toward his rent (part of the income tax money). gawd....what an idiot (me).
I DON'T GET IT!!! IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME AT ALL. Does it have too? Why can't I just accept his choices? Well, a part of me does and really really wants to move on and is working really hard to move on. But when I think about the situation, I feel sad. How can I stop myself from thinking?


((deep breath))...I'm ok. I'm not going to call anymore. If he wants me to know about his eviction, he'll tell me. Right? That is, if he calls back (which I'm sure he won't).


help me out guys.....you know my CoDeness is kicking right now.


I need to focus on what he's not doing and not how sad his situation is. NO....I take that back, I need to focus on me and how my needs aren't being met. I can't feel sorry for him and let myself be walked on again. I'm not going to do it....no no no no!!!!

Really, I'm ok....I think.


[email protected] did I call him??????
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Old 03-24-2006, 05:30 PM
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That post sounded really out of control.....I'm ok. I just had a lot of thoughts going through my head at one time and had to get 'em out.
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Old 03-24-2006, 05:37 PM
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Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
I'm not going to call anymore.
Jessica, this is starting to sound like quacking. Not sure what you're trying to accomplish. Why can't you focus on you?

(())
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Old 03-24-2006, 05:39 PM
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I understand why you would say that. You're right. I say one thing and end up doing another. hmmm....sounds familiar.

I'm focusing on me. I slipped, but I'm ok.

Just needed to vent.
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Old 03-24-2006, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
I'm focusing on me. I slipped, but I'm ok.
I humbly disagree. If you were focusing on you your first reaction would not have been to pick up the phone. Only you know how you're going to get past this. I asked why can't you? How about why won't you? Why won't you let it be? I'm not telling you to, I'm asking you why you won't? What are you hoping will happen?
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Old 03-24-2006, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by denny57
I asked why can't you? How about why won't you? Why won't you let it be? I'm not telling you to, I'm asking you why you won't? What are you hoping will happen?
I don't know why I won't. It's not something that is not conscious to me yet. I've figured out a lot through my counselor.....my mind is not a hundred percent clear yet.


I have no answer....just a bunch of words that would sound like excuses. But trust me when I say I am definately harder on myself than anyone else could be. I'm not happy with the choice I made.

Regardless of whatever anyone may think, I honestly am trying. I know it's not healthy for me or my kids. I'm doing the best I can.
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Old 03-24-2006, 05:54 PM
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I know you are trying, and I'm not being hard on you. I had these same questions asked of me. It took a lot of thinking and self honesty to address them. At some point I had to stop saying I slipped and I'm trying. That's all I'm saying to you.

I'm off for the evening, so you get a reprieve from me!

((hugs))
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Old 03-24-2006, 05:58 PM
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Thank you denny....I'm going to be working on Step 4. Maybe that will help give me some answers. I understand what you are saying. I appreciate your thoughts. They do help me to think about my motives.
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Old 03-24-2006, 06:01 PM
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I don't think any of us are trying to be hard on you. Just wanting to help you figure out why you can't seem to separate Jessica's life from G's life. Jessica's life will not get better until G's life is his own.

JMO

L
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Old 03-24-2006, 06:18 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I don't think any of us are trying to be hard on you. Just wanting to help you figure out why you can't seem to separate Jessica's life from G's life. Jessica's life will not get better until G's life is his own.
I know.....

You know, i was talking to my mom today, she said she went through the same things as I am with me dad. She said her actions were very similar to mine. hmmm...just something for me to think about.
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Old 03-24-2006, 06:19 PM
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His actions bought him to this point ...... his consequences to suffer through. It's all part of the downward spiral for him Jess ....... I'd stay on your side of the street and keep that clean and let him clean up his own mess.

How'd you find out he was getting evicted? If you are staying away from the situation (no contact) how do you know this?

I ditto all of Denny's questions? Just to put a different spin on it, how'd you like it when the active A in your life said "I slipped, I'll try harder?" Really what was your first reaction to that? Disgust? Sadness? Anger? Incomprehensible?

Remember, his actions, his consequences. YOU have nothing to do with this?
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Old 03-24-2006, 07:22 PM
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(((((((((((Jess)))))))))))) Go back a ways and read some of your old posts. I think they'll give you the continued stamina to stay strong and stop calling him. Just remember all the crap, the lies and everything that made your heart hurt.
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Old 03-24-2006, 07:43 PM
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Originally Posted by ASpouse
Just to put a different spin on it, how'd you like it when the active A in your life said "I slipped, I'll try harder?" Really what was your first reaction to that? Disgust? Sadness? Anger? Incomprehensible?

Remember, his actions, his consequences. YOU have nothing to do with this?
That last sentence left me bursting with excitement. It was like it set me free. Thank you for that.

You're right about the rest of it too.

Thank you!
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Old 03-24-2006, 07:45 PM
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Originally Posted by gelfling
(((((((((((Jess)))))))))))) Go back a ways and read some of your old posts. I think they'll give you the continued stamina to stay strong and stop calling him. Just remember all the crap, the lies and everything that made your heart hurt.
I should do that....I need to remember. Thank you for the reminder.

I feel stronger now...I posted and got it off my chest. I just wish I'd posted before I picked up the phone. Now I have to deal with the consequence of my action. But I'll get through it.
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Old 03-25-2006, 04:14 AM
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Now I have to deal with the consequence of my action.
Absolutely ..... start thinking Jess instead of reacting! Start thinking "if I do this what are the possible consequences to this behavior later, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year?"

If you are honest in your assessment of the situation, only then can you decide if the behavior you are thinking about is worth it. This is what I do in certain aspects of my life that I have difficulty with.

I know I am beating a dead horse, but there was absolutely no reason for you to pick up that phone so quickly to call him. It could have waited until you have made a clear reasonable effort to think it out.
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Old 03-25-2006, 05:08 AM
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Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
You know, i was talking to my mom today, she said she went through the same things as I am with me dad. She said her actions were very similar to mine. hmmm...just something for me to think about.
Lets think this through a little....
You reacted based on learned codie behavior.
Do you want your kids to learn the same lessons from you that you learned from your Mother?
Do you think your children would benefit from ending the cycle with you and not passing it on to the next generation?
Would this realization be enough motivation for you to stop and think before reacting in kind again?
Originally Posted by ASpouse
Start thinking "if I do this what are the possible consequences to this behavior later, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year?"
I would start with an even more manageable approach... say like: Don't think about the proper reaction at all! It's very hard to get a grip on learned knee jerk reactions subconsciously driven. No reaction is a valid reaction. As you start to make progress on stopping the knee jerk, then think about consequences later. Jess this has worked for me, thought I would share. As I got good at not reacting, I found that that really was the best reaction in my scenario.
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Old 03-25-2006, 07:53 AM
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Jess, Forgive me if I am wrong but did you say he called and left you a message?
Is he setting the stage for a return due to his eviction?
John would call me and be very sweet when he ran out of money
and a place to stay, thus setting the stage for his return home.
I have lived such the negative side of this addiction that I am always
assuming the worst as that is what I have seen with my ex A.
If you do break down and take him back now you have another mouth
to feed and take care of since he isn't able to do this for himself.
Jess, come on please just let that phone ring off the hook!!!!!
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Old 03-25-2006, 02:09 PM
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Jessica,

Look it this way, recovery is like a set of Dominoes. If you work at your side of street and keep it clean, take care of you then there will be a domino effect. The first domino falls and new things start to happen, healthier things.

You have nothing to do with G and his eviction his choice, his consequence, his life,his problem.

Your life will not change for the new and healthier if you keep on calling and worrying about him.

Let me ask you this? If you were getting evicted and he heard would he be worrying about it?

Ngaire
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Old 03-25-2006, 03:11 PM
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do you have caller id, I know I finally got it, then went and bought a set of portable phones that store and can retrieve the last 30 calls. Now when the phone rings, I answer if it's a # I know and look at it, if it isn't.......... and when I get home, I look at who has called... oh, so & so tried to call.... awwww peaceful..... it's a few extra $, but look at what I spent on xabf, already.... Not gonna happen Again.
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Old 03-26-2006, 05:27 PM
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Do you want your kids to learn the same lessons from you that you learned from your Mother?
Jess, this is the same point I made in response to one of your previous posts--one that I know upset you quite a bit. Perhaps because deep down, you know that it's true.

In fact, it was the realization that my actions were teaching my daughter to accept unacceptable behavior from her future partner that finally led me to end the cycle and ask Richard to leave.

And we all know what happened to Richard when I stopped interfering with his life (no phone calls, visits, letters, or information gleaned from friends). He hit rock bottom and finally got the help he needed. He turned his life around and found a path to sobriety.

And you know what? He did it all WITHOUT help from me. Which is as it should be.

As always, I'm pulling for you, Jess.
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