Irondoorknob

My youngest son, age 9, is very angry. My AH has in and out of our lives for the past couple of years and we have been permanently separated for two months now. My son is having violent rages, which he takes out on me. He cannot seem to control his temper and is extremely defiant. These started while my husband was in treatment, about five moths ago, and have grown worse now that he is only marginally in our childrens' lives.

My son has been seeing a psychologist for anger mangement for two months, but it is not helping him very much.

Has anyone else had children who reacted this way to their spouse's drinking and ultimate departure? Any advice?

LaTeeDa

I cannot address your situation specifically, but I can share my own experience. Both my children (9yo son and 13yo daughter) were very angry at me when AH and I separated. I was the one who took the action, therefore, I was the one who split up their family. I had many talks with them about addiction, how I loved their father but could not tolerate his behavior, how he loves them even though he doesn't always show it, etc. My children were never what I would call violent, but they were very angry. They also go to counseling, which they resisted at first, but now enjoy very much.

Just one more thing, I don't believe in "anger management." Maybe it's just the words, but stuffing feelings is never good. Does your son know it's okay to be angry? That he isn't expected to stop being angry, just let it out in less destructive ways? Have you gone to any counseling sessions with him? Maybe the anger is directed at you just as my children's anger was directed at me. Can you work with the counselor to try and determine the source of the anger? Maybe then it can be addressed and dealt with. There is usually a lot of fear buried underneath anger, in my experience.

So sorry this is happening. It's hard enough to deal with our own feelings in such a difficult time. It's hard to remember that our children may not understand what is happening any better than we do.

Best wishes to you and your son. (())

L

ranae1221

I agree with LaTeeDa....

At 9 years old, your son likely doesn't know where that anger is coming from and it may even scare him. Yes, he needs better ways to express his anger, I think anyone would agree to that, but the feelings behind that anger is what needs to be dealt with. He, as well as you, have been through allot in the last few months, and he is likely reacting to all of that, reacting to his "loss of control".

Irondoorknob

Thanks for your help. The counselor who is dealing with anger management agrees that anger is appropriate, but is working with my son on better ways to express his anger. I have been to counsling sessions with him and he has been alone. He does feel a loss of control over the situation and he also blames me for the separation, even though he knows it is his fathers decision. It is heartbreaking to see him in such pain and, at the same time, it is also shredding my nerves. He screams and hits me and my older son all the time.

LaTeeDa, how long did the anger period last with your children?

Thank you again.

best

Ditto

and adding that even though he is angry..boundaries still need be held.
Boundaries tell our children... I care about you and love you so much that I will continue to tell you to do what is right and best for you.

pmaslan

I am sorry this is happening to your son and to you.
I have 2 boys 15 and 16 who were not raised in an
alcohol enviroment. The were introduced to this world
of insanity 3 years ago when I met my ex John. They
pited him and questioned my sanity the whole time he
was in our lives. I do not feel it has had a lasting impact on
them asided from the fact that they view alcohol as evil.
I have that much to be grateful for, I don't think they will
get involved with it or anyone who is in the future.
All you can do is continue to reassure your son and perhaps
alateen my help...I feel for your situation.

Irondoorknob

Thats what I am working on right now, boundaries. How to set appropriate boundaries. What are appropriate boundaries? How to set consequences when the boundaries are crossed? What are appropriate consequences?

Painful work in the given situation. I just want to hold him and try and take all of his pain away, but at the same time, I know that it is a life lesson. He has always had a bad temper, and he must learn NOW not to use physical actions to express his anger.

My AH is little help with this as he only sees the children about eight hours a week. I have asked him to maintain his schedule like clockwork, and as long as he is not drinking, there is a good chance that he can do this.

It is just so sad to see how alcoholism has affected everyone in our family.

Irondoorknob

He is too young for alateen. They cannot attend until they are 12 years old. He will begin a native talking circle this summer. I hope that will give him a chance to express himself with others of his own age.

best

That is a good start. Consistant follow through will help him see that boundaries are going to be held. Hit me...this will happen. (sent to room, no TV, no Gameboy) Consistant is the important part. The degree of punishment is the lessor part. "I will ground you for life" is an unrealistic punishment.
"15 minutes in your room" is realistic and something that can be held to. "Mom its 10 minutes, can I come out now?" No I said 15, it will be 15 and next time you may remember before thinking of doing such and such again.

DesertEyes

Pardon me for jumping in.

You may want to see if there are any Alatot groups available in your area. They're just like Alateen, but for kids under 12. If there isn't one convenient to you they're very easy to start. You call Al-Anon central office

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

and ask for the material for starting a meeting. They'll ship you a ton of stuff. Then you tell all the ladies at your local Al-Anon, hold a potluck as the kickoff meet, and you're all set.

Mike :-)

pmaslan

Good idea Mike....

Irondoorknob

Thanks for the words of encouragement and the tips on Alatot. I don't know of any meetings in my area, but will discuss forming one with other moms in my alanon home group.

Today has been better so far. No major outbursts so far.

Pick-a-name

Yes. I am sorry. My son did, especially last year when AH filed for divorce. He was becoming violent in his anger. He started working out and he sought counseling for himself with a therapist whose own father was an alcoholic (and cut off all conact with her for several years after she confronted her dad about his drinking. btw they reconciled when he found recovery a few months before his death.) They dealt with the alcoholism facts and issues and then the anger management.

Of course, he still has lots of issues with his father; but he was able to stop anxiety attacks and moved to a different city, on his own for the first time and is doing very well.

Good luck to you and your son. This is one of the harder aspects of the addiction to me;the fallout, especially for the children. My daughter (just turned 18y) and I are having lots of issues with anger,too. She is very quiet and keeps it in; refuses to seek outside help,etc (although she does understand addiction and boundaries and is the best at keeping them in a non-hostile way).

Letting your son vent and then reminding him his dad is sick is all I can suggest; except at his young age I think you could insist he see a professional about this. I did that when the kids were younger and had epression and anxiety issues.

Sending you both a hug. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Let him know you are "safe" to hear him........the anger, fears, grief, etc.,etc......my son seemed like he was "testing me" a bit; if I would walk away from him.too.
We all felt/feel pretty unlovable at times.

(for what it is worth it is my kids who agreed/insisted that AH should not move back without treatment (even if he wanted to comeback) Son says he will never live with AH again.........he was the "whipping boy" (in addition to me as blamed) for AH's rage..........he wouldn't hit us women but there was some pushing/shoving, etc between son and him and that's when AH had to remove himself. So, it isn't anger at me for him not being in the home,etc. They know he is an alcoholic who needs treatment to be back. period.)

Irondoorknob

Thanks, Pick-a-name. I am sorry to hear about your daughter. My older son stuffs his feelings, but I am insisting that he also see a counselor, which I can still do because he is only 12. Yes, the fallout is awful!!! And sadly, my AH does not seems to be capable of dealing with it. So I am left being the responsible parent, although there are days I want to run away from this situation as well. I know we will work through this, but I was hoping it would be a few weeks, not months or possibly years of work.

LaTeeDa

I can't say the anger stage is over yet. (7 months later) But, I can say that it seems to have leveled out a bit. I think counseling has helped them by giving them a safe place to express their anger and they even tell me when something makes them angry now, instead of keeping it in. I guess the bad news is, it may well take years to work out. But the good news is, it gets better and better as more time goes by.

L

Irondoorknob

Wow, seven months later and the anger stage is not yet over. I sincerely hope it gets better for you and your family soon.

My counselor told me to be prepared for it to take a long time before my son gets better. So I am trying to think in terms of pacing myself now. I need to get out more and see friends, but this is difficult because money is tight. However, I am trying to take care of myself.

La, I hope you are taking care of yourself as well. If you crater, then your kids will also.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

K