CBB126

I am not new to SR, not new to trying to recover or Alanon. I think that I’m failing at it. I have been married for over 10 years, with my husband almost 20 years. He’s always had problems, with substance abuse, now alcohol. For awhile, I was doing great, detaching and learning to live life and now it seems as though I have regressed. I feel such apathy and dislike for my husband, yet I am going through the motions as if our marriage is working. I feel like a fraud. Last night we made love and it literally sickened me to my stomach, I was gagging once it was over. I asked myself how much more? Then when I picture myself trying to get away from him, how difficult he’s going to make it for me I stop making plans. I think about how we own a house, the kids, separating everything built for 20 years and I get afraid. How can I build a life? I don’t talk to him, don’t like doing things with him, don’t see friends…life is passing me by. In a prison of my own making. I try to fix everything and everybody, my husband is an only child, no real friends, and has a raging alcoholic elderly mother who also has no siblings and I wonder – how did I ever let this happen? My advice to anyone who thinks are involved with an alcoholic and can get away, GO..Don’t stay, run!!! I am just finding out who I am at 36, let so many opportunities to get out of this marriage pass me by. Now I’m drowning.

Chuckles101301

Your post breaks my heart because you are ONLY 36 and you still have many years left of this life to live. Don't base your peace of mind and happiness on a house and stuff that you have accumulated over 20 years with this man. You are not happy, can you live the next possibly 60 years of your life like this? Yes, he can make it difficult for you to leave, but there are many resources out there that would make it so much easier for you. I hate to hear people compromising their happiness because it is difficult to leave due to separating stuff. I hope you find the answers you are looking for and make the best decision for you. Your happiness and sanity and peace of mind are worth so much more. Good luck and God bless you.

ASpouse

You don't have to drown, it's your choice to do so and if you are going Al Anon, then I think you know this.

If you can be honest with your husband, tell him exactly the way you feel, that living with an alcoholic is a drag, and it truly is. You have a very long life ahead of you and what saddens me most of all, the environment and atmosphere you are living in is very very bad for your kids.

They will grow up and believe that relationships are supposed to be what yours and your husbands is, and relationships are not supposed to be the way you describe. If you can't find a reason to get out or at least start the ball rolling for yourself, then do it for your kids sake. I feel bad for them the most of all ..... the littlest victims of alcoholism.

Ayers1995

CBB,
I know sometimes we feel like we are failing ourselves. I am sorry to hear how much pain you are in...I know exactly how you feel. I was going through exactly the same thing until I decided to move out on March 5. I would sit on the couch at night and just look at him...like How can he not know?? How can we be soo close (married) and him have no clue that our life is the way it is?? He also was very much into being intimate...and it made me sick. It literally made me sick to not be strong enough to tell him NO!

What worked for me, was slowly making some plans. Plans that 'if' it came to it, I'd have options. I had to take one day at a time. If I thought too far into the future..(even today)...I'd panic or feel overwhelmed. I come here and post...and get great support. I am very sensitive, and alot of the tactics A uses, usually get to me right away. This board has been great to see through those things. I still have my days... but I am doing better.

Stay strong. You will get through this. You are in my thoughts.

lovemypup

Your not failing, you are just beginning to see that you are ready for a change. I left my ex AH after 27 years of marriage and I am 47 yrs old. It can be done. You can have a happy life. Material things mean nothing if you are not happy.
I have been divorced for almost 3 months now and I am so much happier. In fact I just got back from a cruise to the Virgin Islands with my daughter and her friend. Life is good! Its not easy but in time it does get easier.

Minx1969

Hey CBB,

I'm hearing a lot of fear in your writing..maybe it's time to get really involved with Alanon..do you have a sponsor? are you working the steps?

You have lots of choices..36 is young (i'm 37) and you can have a truly wonderful life ahead of you..when you decide to do so.

take it one day at a time..

Aquiana

Hi CBB. Just sending you a welcome. I can't really offer you much today other than I totally understand the drowning. I also understand your advice. There are lots of people here who know alot better than I on how to recover. Try to keep your chin up.

denny57

Hi! Maybe you're getting sick of hearing this, but you are YOUNG :-)

My story is very similar to yours. I was also with my AH almost 20 years. Separated 5 months now and getting stronger everyday. Before I went to Al-Anon and asked AH to move out, I went through the same emotional ride you seem to be on. I was convinced my life was over at 48. Now? I think yay! I'm only 48 I have my whole life in front of me. If someone told me 7 months ago I would feel or think this way (in fact, they did) I would think to myself, they just don't understand.

Lately I have also been going through some self doubt and felt I was backsliding. I've come to realize that those periods always end up being periods of growth. Kinda like those aches I'd get in my legs when I was young and my parents would say they were growing pains.

Hang in there and keep taking care of yourself. You are on the right path.

((()))

Tiredx5

CBB,

Welcome to SR! I too felt the way you did! Hang in there! I am 45 and have been separated only since February from my AH of 12 years. Kids, house, bills, etc can be overwhelming...just take it day by day, and for me, I took it in smaller chunks ... hour by hour. It does get better, every day I am feeling stronger and better about my decision. Whatever you decide, follow your gut! I did and am so happy it TALKS REALLY LOUD TO ME! Al-anon, SR and my counselor are support and I am so happy that I have found each one!!!! take care!

CBB126

Thanks for all the responses. I'm planning to do an alanon meeting tonight and start from day 1 again. One day at a time right? I was feeling very down this morning, but praying it through.